bhgolf Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 i have been in a wonderful/terrible relationship for about a year. she pushes me away and then pulls me back in. and being stupid i keep getting sucked in by all the crap she says. i want to believe that she loved me as much as i loved her. well yesterday she kicked me to the curb again and to me it just seems that she uses me to get what she wants and once she gets it she ends things. a fight on the phone took place during the breakup and hurtful things were said from both of us. the question is, i was thinking of writing it all down and sending it to her. i thought maybe it wouldnt end in a huge arguement because i would have time to think about what i write rather than just saying it. and of course then she would have time to read it properly and absorb what is being said and so that she can realise just how hurtful she has been. the other problem with this is that in doing so will cement the fact that we are done. but i really do love her and i want to her back. is this just stupid? is any of this stupid? am i stupid? because i kinda fell a bit that way
VanessaVanessa Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I think you should write a letter if you REALLY feel you want to/need to. I do think that way it won't develop into an argument straight away, as you said. I think you should write a draft letter of everything you need to say or ask and then try to leave it for some time; after about two or three full days reread it and see if you still want to say to her all of what you wrote. If yes then you can send it, if not then make any changes you need to and then send it. Remember she may not want to respond soon or even at all, and if you do send the letter you have to try to be okay with that. If it has happened a few times before then maybe more time apart is needed? Goodluck.
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Write it all down -- purge yourself. Print it out & stick it in a drawer for at least one week. Re-read it. Now go somewhere safe & light it on fire. Under no circumstances should you send it to her. 8
Author bhgolf Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 I didn't want to write to her in order to hurt her. I care a lot for her but her actions towards people are going to leave her very lonely. I wanted to say this stuff so that maybe she could see exactly what she does to people in her life and maybe she would learn and grow and would not keep hurting others.
Zahara Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I didn't want to write to her in order to hurt her. I care a lot for her but her actions towards people are going to leave her very lonely. I wanted to say this stuff so that maybe she could see exactly what she does to people in her life and maybe she would learn and grow and would not keep hurting others. If anyone needs change, it is you. Why would a man stand for being treated so horribly, time and time again and still choose to be with someone that disrespects him? Maybe you need to work on yourself first, before trying to go about fixing her. Her actions are not your responsibility. You're so consumed with protecting her feelings but she has no consideration for yours when she keeps hurting you over and over again. And SHE KNOWS SHE DOES IT. Her life being lonely is not your problem. She's not ignorant to her behavior and the consequences of it. You said she uses you. People like her don't read a letter and shrug their shoulders and realize all their wrongdoings. People that manipulate and use don't really care about what you think about them or how you feel about them. Their NO. 1 priority is themselves. Write your letter. Get everything you want to say on paper. Then burn it. 8
Simon Phoenix Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I didn't want to write to her in order to hurt her. I care a lot for her but her actions towards people are going to leave her very lonely. I wanted to say this stuff so that maybe she could see exactly what she does to people in her life and maybe she would learn and grow and would not keep hurting others. Do you really think she's going to take anything a jilted ex-boyfriend says to try to "fix" her the least bit seriously? She's going to think you are bitter and weird and not take it the least bit seriously. Letters can be therapeutic to write. But do not send. 3
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Your expressed motives sound pure, but they aren't. You want to punish her to make her feel bad for whatever she did to you. That's an understandable reaction. However, writing her this letter will just make her see you as a bitter nut job she's happy to be rid of. She may further humiliate you by showing it to friends or worse, putting it on line & having it go viral. As I said, write away. You may feel better if you get it all out & "on paper" but don't send it because it has more potential to back fire than help. She will not change her ways because of what you said.
Atem Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I agree with most of what people said except one thing: If you think that sending the letter will have a therapeutic effect for you, then send it. However, here's the one caveat: Only send such a letter to close things for good. If you're ready for that, then feel free to pour all your anger and frustration into that final letter, hit send, and move on. At that point, she won't care about what you write (if she even reads it) but that doesn't matter because writing and sending the letter is to make you feel better, not her. The only way I see this "backfiring" is if she responds with an angry letter. However, there's this little thing called "block address" that you can use to prevent that from happening... If you're ready to ditch this girl, do yourself a favor and really do it - whether that entails writing/sending a final letter or not doesn't matter - do whatever makes you feel better. My 2c 3
FoolishMan Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) I believe that writing stuff down if you have been / are in a difficult relationship helps the person suffering to get anger out of their system and also makes sense of situations! You can re read it a day / week / month later and it may help you understand how you felt, whether it was an over reaction or not. I would personally use a password protected Word doc and in the end, just delete it! As to actually sending it to the person in question to rescue them, I think not! Use it to help yourself and then just cut contact. Edited July 3, 2014 by FoolishMan typo
Sugarkane Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I don't understand why you're concerned about whether she ends up friendless or not? That's her problem. 1
Hello201 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 each time she tries to contact me "wishing we were friends" i write my answer down and the reasons why i dont need friends like that in my life i did send her a letter when i sent all her stuff back telling her i know she lied and cheated on me , that was my closure write it down get it out if it helps you keep doing it if it doesnt then stop everybodies different stay strong
Atem Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I believe that writing stuff down if you have been / are in a difficult relationship helps the person suffering to get anger out of their system and also makes sense of situations! You can re read it a day / week / month later and it may help you understand how you felt, whether it was an over reaction or not. I would personally use a password protected Word doc and in the end, just delete it! As to actually sending it to the person in question to rescue them, I think not! Use it to help yourself and then just cut contact. How would a letter "rescue" them? I think we're talking about a different kind of letter here. The one I'm referring to is intended to voice your negative emotions/thoughts and, if you really don't care about the other person anymore, you can jsut hit send and then forget. Guess everybody has different opinions but - overreaction or not - if writing/sending a letter helps with coping, I'm all for it.
writergal Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 OP so the consensus here is that you have a few choices: 1. Write her an email and send it. 2. Write her an email and don't send it. 3. Don't write her an email. I don't think you are stupid or should feel stupid for wanting to write down your feelings about the entire relationship. I think it's extremely self-preserving to write down everything as if to purge yourself emotionally of all the negative feelings you have pent up inside. If you choose option 1 and send her your email, just know that you can't control how she will choose to respond. If you send the email, send it for yourself only. If you want her to respond, then ask her to but that doesn't mean she will. If you choose option 2, all the better, because you can really purge yourself of all the toxic emotions that have accrued over the course of your relationship. You'll feel better afterward. If you choose option 3 and do nothing, that also is fine, because in the end, your healing has to come from within. She can't give you any closure. Only you can give yourself closure. Choose whichever option will make you feel better. Always go with what you know and trust yourself. 2
Thegreatestthing Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I had an old bf who I cheated on he wrote me lots of these type of letters I did not pay attention at any of them,I wasn't interested in him anymore and the letters meant nothing because I was no longer interested in being part of his world. His silence would have had no effect either because I was over it,it's only now years later that I think hmm that was kind of cruel and can remember anguish in his face,but really the one who throws the stone forgets,the one who is hit remembers forever,an old proverb,you can't make her feel the anguish or anything,my ex wasted four years or something trying to do that. 1
Atem Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 OP so the consensus here is that you have a few choices: 1. Write her an email and send it. 2. Write her an email and don't send it. 3. Don't write her an email. I don't think you are stupid or should feel stupid for wanting to write down your feelings about the entire relationship. I think it's extremely self-preserving to write down everything as if to purge yourself emotionally of all the negative feelings you have pent up inside. If you choose option 1 and send her your email, just know that you can't control how she will choose to respond. If you send the email, send it for yourself only. If you want her to respond, then ask her to but that doesn't mean she will. If you choose option 2, all the better, because you can really purge yourself of all the toxic emotions that have accrued over the course of your relationship. You'll feel better afterward. If you choose option 3 and do nothing, that also is fine, because in the end, your healing has to come from within. She can't give you any closure. Only you can give yourself closure. Choose whichever option will make you feel better. Always go with what you know and trust yourself. ^^this. Great summary - nothing to add. 1
Atem Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I had an old bf who I cheated on he wrote me lots of these type of letters I did not pay attention at any of them,I wasn't interested in him anymore and the letters meant nothing because I was no longer interested in being part of his world. His silence would have had no effect either because I was over it,it's only now years later that I think hmm that was kind of cruel and can remember anguish in his face,but really the one who throws the stone forgets,the one who is hit remembers forever,an old proverb,you can't make her feel the anguish or anything,my ex wasted four years or something trying to do that. Makes sense but I think we're talking about a different letter here. You seem to be talking about a "Please forgive me so I can feel better" or an "I want you back" letter. As I understand the OP, he's talking about a "Here are all the things that pissed me off about you, so I'll write them down and send them to you to feel better about the BU" letter. In this case, it really doesnt matter whether she reads it or not - it's about the OP and how he feels and nothing else. With all fo that said - OP, if you only want to send a letter to illicit a response, don't, because the anticipation of a response that will likely never happen will kill you. Only write and send if it'll help you move on/feel better.
Thegreatestthing Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 No he did send letters saying everything I did wrong and how it hurt him that I cheated etc I didn't pay attention,what I will say op is that only when she has had to go through the anguish she causes others will she understand fully. right now this guy is rejecting me,not replying to my emails etc and never again will I ignore someone's emails or treat them poorly, now I know how devestating it feels ,she will one day have to bear similar things to what she has done to you,maybe then she will stop. I do think sometimes sending the email can be helpful I mean I regret the two I sent today and yesterday but in a way it woke me up and made me realise he doesn't care,he's gone.you do need emotional release so I would write anything whatever you do.
Atem Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 No he did send letters saying everything I did wrong and how it hurt him that I cheated etc I didn't pay attention,what I will say op is that only when she has had to go through the anguish she causes others will she understand fully. right now this guy is rejecting me,not replying to my emails etc and never again will I ignore someone's emails or treat them poorly, now I know how devestating it feels ,she will one day have to bear similar things to what she has done to you,maybe then she will stop. I do think sometimes sending the email can be helpful I mean I regret the two I sent today and yesterday but in a way it woke me up and made me realise he doesn't care,he's gone.you do need emotional release so I would write anything whatever you do. Gotcha - well, to restate the short version of my post: do whatever makes you feel better. This is ONLY about you and not about him.
AnyaNova Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 the question is, i was thinking of writing it all down and sending it to her. i thought maybe it wouldnt end in a huge arguement because i would have time to think about what i write rather than just saying it. and of course then she would have time to read it properly and absorb what is being said and so that she can realise just how hurtful she has been. the other problem with this is that in doing so will cement the fact that we are done. but i really do love her and i want to her back. I would reccommend against an email. :-). Or any contact at this point.
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