xxmusical Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Not sure if I should post this here or in the self-improvement forum, but here goes... I've always had somewhat of a low self-esteem. I was the quiet, nice, nerdy girl in high school, never the social bee, hated being in the center of attention. My bf was the complete opposite. He was the sporty leader, the dream guy many lower grades crushed on. Somehow opposites attract and we started dating and have been together for 8+ years. My bf has helped me with my esteem tremendously. He made me feel special, loved, and worthy. I guess I relied on him too much for my self-esteem. I know self-esteem should be "fixed" from within oneself, not by others, but I can't seem to know how to fix myself. Lately, my self-esteem has hit rock bottom. I feel like crap. My bf frequently invites me to his company events, and I go willingly because I want to meet his colleagues and have fun too. He's been working there for nearly a year now so I've been to these events several times. I enjoy meeting his co-workers, most of whom were friendly. But this is where my inner conflict starts: I feel like I'm not worth my bf's love, because he's the social butterfly while I'm just a pebble by the side. I feel like he's happier with other people and is better off without me. I feel drained if I have to talk to his colleagues because I never seem to have things to say. I feel very self-conscious, especially when his colleagues bring their girlfriends to events too; I feel I'm not pretty enough, not nice enough, not talkative enough...basically just not good enough, that I make my bf look bad. I want to reiterate that I go to these events willingly; my bf didn't force me. He understands that I'm introverted and is awkward in social events, but he also wants me to get to know more of the people he works with. I guess my main issue is learning my self-worth. I talked to my bf about my feelings and he assured me that he's absolutely happy with me, that he loves me the way I am, etc. But...I don't know how to push these negative thoughts away from me. I don't know how to change these into positive things. Once I have negative thoughts, I get depressed, and it really ruins things for my bf. I know he's under a lot of stress and is emotionally drained putting up with work and me. And then I'd feel even worst for being such a terrible gf, and things would go on and on and on (sometimes plus PMS)...until eventually, this negativity phases out or he managed to cheer me up. We're planning to get married, but I know my low self-esteem would get in the way, and I don't want that. Maybe I have deeper issues than just a low self-esteem, I'm not sure. I just really want to fix myself, but I don't know how. He loves me so much, but sometimes I don't even know if I love myself.
Els Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Do these negative thoughts only come during social events? At any rate, I think you should remind yourself that being 'pretty' or 'talkative' isn't necessarily a measure of self-worth. Different people excel in different ways, so there is no purpose in comparing yourself to social butterflies if that isn't what you are. There are people (including guys) who like quiet, nice, nerdy girls, and it sounds like your bf is one of them. Good for him! That being said, I know this is easier said than done. It's not easy to change a lifetime of habits. It takes a lot of time and sometimes you regress. That's okay. Feel free not to answer this if it's too nosy, but, do you come from an Asian country or family? I guessed you might have, from your previous posts, but I could be wrong. If you do, I might have some insight about the reasons for this (I'm a girl from an Asian country myself).
Author xxmusical Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Feel free not to answer this if it's too nosy, but, do you come from an Asian country or family? I guessed you might have, from your previous posts, but I could be wrong. If you do, I might have some insight about the reasons for this (I'm a girl from an Asian country myself). Indeed I am, though I grew up in a western culture.
Author xxmusical Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Do these negative thoughts only come during social events? I'm not sure, but definitely more prominent after attending events.
Els Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Indeed I am, though I grew up in a western culture. Ah, okay, that explains a lot of it. If your parents are first-generation immigrants, there would likely still be some cultural conditioning in them, and the way you are raised would reflect that. I'm not saying this to knock on your parents or the Asian culture (I think it has its advantages in some ways), but this is one of the disadvantages. Many Asian kids (both those raised in Asia and out of it) grow up with lower self-esteem than their peers. It's something you just have to take note of and strive to overcome bit by bit. I'm not sure, but definitely more prominent after attending events. Aight. So... would it help if you recognize your own self-worth in other areas, and try to stop comparing yourself to the other women you meet?
Author xxmusical Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Ah, okay, that explains a lot of it. If your parents are first-generation immigrants, there would likely still be some cultural conditioning in them, and the way you are raised would reflect that. I'm not saying this to knock on your parents or the Asian culture (I think it has its advantages in some ways), but this is one of the disadvantages. Many Asian kids (both those raised in Asia and out of it) grow up with lower self-esteem than their peers. It's something you just have to take note of and strive to overcome bit by bit. Hmm I actually agree and disagree with this. I agree that many Asians grow up with lower self-esteem, but I have a feeling my Asian genes have nothing to do with my low self-esteem Plus, my bf's Asian too. Aight. So... would it help if you recognize your own self-worth in other areas, and try to stop comparing yourself to the other women you meet? I see what you're saying, but sometimes I feel pretty worthless in other areas too...so it's not just about comparing other women or even other people in general... It's like I allow my own negativity carry me away. I'm the more outgoing, chatty type, like your boyfriend seems to be. My girlfriend is much like you are, quiet, and rather shy. That's one of the many things I like about her. When you look at yourself, the things that you don't like are probably some of the very things that your bf loves about you. Thank you, I do agree with your last sentence I'm just trying to learn to appreciate myself more, but I don't know how. Instead, I usually let my negativity get to me.
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Opposites attract. Your idea that he'd be better off with somebody more outgoing is wrong. Relationship dynamics work when the social butterfly person has someone who is willing to let them have the whole spotlight. He would be miserable with somebody who wanted to share center stage with him. Until your self esteem improves, look at yourself through HIS EYES He sees a great person worthy of his love. Believe him, not your own heart. It's not thinking correctly right now. 1
Author xxmusical Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 Until your self esteem improves, look at yourself through HIS EYES He sees a great person worthy of his love. Believe him, not your own heart. It's not thinking correctly right now. Thank you, I will try this - looking from his point of view.
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