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Can it be true when guys don't want relationships/want to focus on their career?

h0000

By h0000
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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I dated this guy for a month..I know,just a month...but things went extremely well and it really hurts now. We weren't just fooling around and he actually cared to call me,text me and see me everyday. (When he doesn't have time he would still manage to see me for 2 hours) He told me how much he likes me, how much we have in common and an hour before he broke up with me, we were talking about visiting his family!

The only thing is..he is very stressed and insecure about his work and money and study and he is highly likely to move away in a month due to his job. But once he said "I want to be your bf but you need to give me a month to sort out my life" and I said "ok,I will wait for you."

So completely out of blue he says he needs to end it when it's still early,because he's in a major cross road in his life and he can't distract himself anymore. And I'm so nice that I deserve more commitment which he cant give..

He said sorry but he's given up following his heart. He didn't want to do this but he needed to just for himself.

 

I mean, I don't know what to do and how to feel...Disappointed? Pity? Can I even believe him?

He is such a nice guy and I actually dont want to let him go...but I guess I have no other options..

Edited by h0000
sugarlove Established Member

sugarlove

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A lot of self-worth and confidence for a man ties with his financial security. Wanting to be stable with his job and studies simply means he wants to provide someone who comes into his life with a better life. THat's not a bad thing. I think that speaks of maturity on his part.

 

All you can do now is to accept and show him you support his decision. Offer friendship as you can be his friends whether or not he wants it. Keep in contact and be supportive. ONe month is not really that long but if you reckon there is something special, just be prepared to wait for a bit more.

 

Good luck to you!

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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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A lot of self-worth and confidence for a man ties with his financial security. Wanting to be stable with his job and studies simply means he wants to provide someone who comes into his life with a better life. THat's not a bad thing. I think that speaks of maturity on his part.

 

All you can do now is to accept and show him you support his decision. Offer friendship as you can be his friends whether or not he wants it. Keep in contact and be supportive. ONe month is not really that long but if you reckon there is something special, just be prepared to wait for a bit more.

 

Good luck to you!

 

you don't reckon it is because he's not that into me(ahh i hate that expression) so he doesnt want to fight for a better future with me?

sugarlove Established Member

sugarlove

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Well, I don't know how he feels, but I think starting things off with friendship as a base is always wise. Besides, he is not ready as he said but things change down the track. If you do like him, then hang in there. If you reckon it's not worth your time, then move on. :)

 

Meanwhile, date others if the chance comes up. It might help put things into perspective for you.

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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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Well, I don't know how he feels, but I think starting things off with friendship as a base is always wise. Besides, he is not ready as he said but things change down the track. If you do like him, then hang in there. If you reckon it's not worth your time, then move on. :)

 

Meanwhile, date others if the chance comes up. It might help put things into perspective for you.

 

i don't think it sounds like he wants a friendship from me....it sounds like a goodbye and wish you well.

sugarlove Established Member

sugarlove

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Then don't wait. :) follow your gut. Whatever you choose. Be happy with it.

David87 Established Member

David87

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i don't think it sounds like he wants a friendship from me....it sounds like a goodbye and wish you well.

 

 

 

Deep down you know what to do OP. NC :o

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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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Deep down you know what to do OP. NC :o

 

I am NC. of course I am.I am very good at it.but I still want him :(

David87 Established Member

David87

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I am NC. of course I am.I am very good at it.but I still want him :(

 

We all want what we cant have. I wish there were a time machine so I can visit my lost relationship with my ex but unfortunately she doesn't exist anymore she's a different person now that doesn't love me..... so why should I love her ( its the same with your situation )

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You get to be disappointed & upset. This was out of left field & it hurts.

 

But you know you can't get him back. He has some integrity for not letting it drag out.

 

Give yourself a bit of time to heal then move on.

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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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I started a thread yesterday regarding this but I just feel the urge to figure out the answer to this question or i cannot move on...

Anyway I recently got dumped by a guy who said to me he can't afford to have a relationship at this cross road of his life. And I deserve more commitment which he can't give.

Long story short he has been a very good date.. treated me very nicely and he invested a lot of time on me. So I just need to know is this merely an excuse (I got played. He actually lost interest) or he is honest?

I feel I need to get an answer...

drallafi Established Member

drallafi

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I started a thread yesterday regarding this but I just feel the urge to figure out the answer to this question or i cannot move on...

Anyway I recently got dumped by a guy who said to me he can't afford to have a relationship at this cross road of his life. And I deserve more commitment which he can't give.

Long story short he has been a very good date.. treated me very nicely and he invested a lot of time on me. So I just need to know is this merely an excuse (I got played. He actually lost interest) or he is honest?

I feel I need to get an answer...

 

 

Of course. In fact, if we're being honest, I think a lot of guys feel this way, but we just don't say it to our spouse / girlfriend.

 

Relationships are, for the most part, and endless series of obligations and compromises. For a career-minded dude, they can be a significant distraction.

theexfiance Established Member

theexfiance

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Of course. In fact, if we're being honest, I think a lot of guys feel this way, but we just don't say it to our spouse / girlfriend.

 

Relationships are, for the most part, and endless series of obligations and compromises. For a career-minded dude, they can be a significant distraction.

 

I agree. Guys usually aren't that conniving or deliberately malignant about this type of thing. Has he ever given you a reason to doubt him prior to this? If the answer is no, he is probably just being straight with you.

 

I loved my ex, but she really got in the way of me doing well in my career and my schooling. Because of my engagement to her I stopped at a master's degree and chose not to shoot for a higher paying career.

 

If he's honest about his priorities...you might just want to admire that trait about him and give him space (assuming he ended things amicably).

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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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and people argue "We are all busy. Later, with kids and family, even busier. He could make time for you if he wanted. In fact, at a 'crossroads' you need someone intimate!

 

He has maybe just lost interest, or has his eye on someone else and wants to devote his limited time and energy to HER..."

sugarlove Established Member

sugarlove

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Love, obviously everyone is telling you the same thing in both threads. I don't get this frustration you feel. One month is not enough to be deep in love so I don't think you are feeling truly heartbroken, perhaps your pride is hurt? Or maybe you feel he didn't see what a gem you are?

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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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Love, obviously everyone is telling you the same thing in both threads. I don't get this frustration you feel. One month is not enough to be deep in love so I don't think you are feeling truly heartbroken, perhaps your pride is hurt? Or maybe you feel he didn't see what a gem you are?

 

I don't know if its heartbroken..but it's not about pride. And I know I'm very sad cuz I miss his company so much and I miss doing lots of things with him so much..We were practically seeing each other everyday and definitely calling each other everyday..

sugarlove Established Member

sugarlove

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Truth be told, we don't exactly know what is in his head. We can only assume what he said is out of good intentions. Mainly because you said he is a great bloke and hasn't done anything really bad to hurt you.

 

Friends are biased with it comes to relationship advise, they will say what they need to say to protect your feelings and place the blame on him. If you find what they are saying is fueling your hurt, then choose not to indulge in it.

 

Again, you can either extend your friendship because you like him and want to believe he's honest or you can choose to believe he is a liar and move on. Whichever you choose, choose with a clear and fair mind.

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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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it's very hard to choose with a clear mind..I do not want to give him up yet..but I cant contact him.I cant bring myself to talking to him

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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It might be true for some but it is the classic line many men use to let a woman down gently.

 

I have always interpreted it to mean: I'm unwilling to take time away from my career for you because you aren't worth it to me

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sugarlove Established Member

sugarlove

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I think during times of stress, someone won't have very much to give to another. I've seen it on my own relationship whereby I'm a high achiever and struggle to juggle business, family and relationship. I just don't think it's fair to speculate negatively and just hope he means well.

 

Like I said, don't really know what his intentions are so it'll be difficult for us to advise OP. She seems to have nailed him to the cross so she should just accept her choice. :)

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Respecting that it is impossible to know what is in the mind of another:

 

Anyway I recently got dumped by a guy who said to me he can't afford to have a relationship at this cross road of his life. And I deserve more commitment which he can't give.

 

That was some pretty clear communication. Little ambiguity, in the words anyway.

 

Long story short he has been a very good date.. treated me very nicely and he invested a lot of time on me.

 

It appears there were supporting actions during the get to know, regarding his base mindset regarding dating and relationships. He left little ambiguity in your mind about how he treated you. Your takeaway was positive.

 

So I just need to know is this merely an excuse (I got played. He actually lost interest) or he is honest?

I feel I need to get an answer...

 

He treated you well. He stated he couldn't afford to invest in a relationship at the commitment level he felt you deserved. He ended the relationship.

 

You can choose to accept this reality or make another choice. If other, one path is to examine why you would reject the real in favor of another 'explanation'. IMO, as is customary, the answers lie within ourselves.

 

In another period of life, I might assign all kinds of assumptions and machinations of data to the real. Now I just accept what is. A person who was there is now absent. Gone. Done. Over. Next. Whether by breakup, divorce or death, people leave. Part of life.

 

Regarding the title, I see it as timing. At certain times, men/women focus on self, prioritizing self (career, family, friends, interests) over romantic/sexual relationships. At other times, the reverse. At other times, balance. It depends on the person and the time. If we accept the real here, I'd write it off to timing. At a different time, you wouldn't have written this thread because there wouldn't have been a breakup. That underscores the vagaries of human existence. It's not absolute and linear.

 

Best wishes for a successful recovery and moving on, wherever that might take you.

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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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a little bit update on my situation...I told him "you simply just lost interest" and what he basically said is..that it's complicated.It's bad timing.He didn't expect to like me this much this fast and when I'm around he can't focus on his own problems and he feels like he's about to make some wrong decisions..(sounds so fake I know..but he has said that multiple times when we were still together..)

I seriously got dumped cuz the love is too much?!

Tomorrow he's gonna meet me to give me my stuff back and we will talk then..any idea what I should say?? I mean..let's say its bad timing..but should I try one more time?

Edited by h0000
gaius Established Member

gaius

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Just treat him like you would treat anyone who is giving you a load of crap.

vassilbg Member

vassilbg

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Just treat him like you would treat anyone who is giving you a load of crap.

 

Yeah, it can really swing both ways on this. Its always been my opinion that if the girl is RIGHT and the level attraction is HIGH, a man will sacrifice for her.

 

Think about it, if he met lets say Scarlet Johanssen, and she was totally into him, you think he would be like "No, Scarlet, I can't see you because I have to focus on my career" ... see what I mean?

 

... however, thats not to say that he is the kind of person that doesn't want to spread himself thin and really did want to focus on his career.

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Griesfootball Established Member

Griesfootball

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Some people look at the future and they want to save their money up, focus on work/school or whatever the case and then search for love after they feel secure on their own but it can also be an excuse to just say I don't want to be committed or tied up to you

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