After 4 years, he doesn't want to marry me

[kalika]

Hey LS,

 

I need some advice, and I'll try to keep it as brief as possible. I don't know what to do and would really like a guy's perspective on this situation.

 

This morning before work, my boyfriend and I ended up getting in a huge fight. Basically, after being with/living with each other for 4 years, I asked him if he ever intends to get married to me. He said yes but I was in tears and demanded he give me a time frame. He looked like a deer in the headlights and just said "soon." I demanded to know when and he then said something about how he doesn't want to have to give me a time frame. He also said he doesn't want more kids. I left very upset and went to work.

 

Some backstory:

 

-My boyfriend has been helping me raise my 11 year old son. This has made it ten times harder to break up with him because my son is very close to him.

-I just left NY without him a little under a year ago. I took him back, and he moved down here to ATL, because he told me things would change. (they haven't)

-He has never once, in all the time we've been together, initiated a conversation where he told me he wants to marry me or spoken about a plan for us/our family. I'm always the one who has to initiate these conversations - and when I did, he would say hurtful things to me like: "You don't even know what you want", or "Marriage won't make you any happier; you're just an unhappy person in general." Needless to say, the times I do try to bring up our future become huge fights wrought with frustration and anger.

-He also tends to pretend like these conversations never happened. Ie after our fight, while I was at work I got a text from him that he is craving pizza for dinner.. WTF?! I left the house in tears and all you can effing say to me is you want pizza for dinner?!?!

 

I'm really hurt. My pride is hurt. I've seen literally 10 couples who started dating AFTER us already get engaged AND married in the time we've been together. I feel like ***** that he also uses this as an excuse (me starting fights and breaking up with him) - like, "See? What would have happened if I'd have proposed??" - although it seemed like he had no intentions of doing so in the first place.

 

I'm emotionally worn down, crying, exhausted, stressed, and feeling so unloved. I left a LOT out but I'm trying to keep it as short as possible .. sorry for the long rant..

Edited July 2, 2014 by kalika

[Turtles]

Maybe you are focusing on the wrong problem. He has one thing right - marriage won't make you happier if you are unhappy right now. Do you have other issues in your relationship or is that it??

[Miss Awesome]

He has one thing right - marriage won't make you happier if you are unhappy right now.

 

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

I wonder if you're really eager to marry this man, or if you're just eager to get married. I don't say that with any ill intention or any judgment. I just hear some things that make me think you're not very happy with him (i.e., it's hard to leave him because of your son, you left him once already, and you feel he doesn't acknowledge the intensity/depth of your hurt when it comes to this subject).

[pink_sugar]

There's no reason your boyfriend and your son cannot continue having a relationship if you break things off. My dad and his ex dated for 4 years when I was young and we're still close now. She was a positive influence in my life and my dad is still friends with her and will invite her over for birthdays or holidays because she's been a good family friend for over 10 years.

[kalika]

Maybe you are focusing on the wrong problem. He has one thing right - marriage won't make you happier if you are unhappy right now. Do you have other issues in your relationship or is that it??

 

He said this to me about a year and a half ago, and yes - at this time I was pretty unhappy in general, although most of that was work related and I tried not to bring that stress home too much. I had a job that was extremely (emotionally) stressful and a dead-end relationship with him, plus I really wanted to move. I just wasn't where I wanted to be in life at all. That is why I finally made the decision to move, without him - I was going to lose my mind if I didn't. I sold my house in NY, moved to ATL, bought a house here and have been much happier ever since. But he acted like he really wanted things to change for the better too, and that's why I let him move down here to be with me, even though I had some reservations.

[kalika]

Agreed.

 

 

I wonder if you're really eager to marry this man, or if you're just eager to get married. I don't say that with any ill intention or any judgment. I just hear some things that make me think you're not very happy with him (i.e., it's hard to leave him because of your son, you left him once already, and you feel he doesn't acknowledge the intensity/depth of your hurt when it comes to this subject).

 

That's pretty astute Miss Awesome. Part of me thinks that marriage is nonsensical and that it's destined to fail. Part of me also wonders if I want to marry HIM. Although he has many good qualities, he lacks a solid career and any set goals - he can't even plan a trip without changing his mind 10 times. Marrying him would force me into the role of breadwinner, probably for the rest of my life, which is a really big deal to me and not something I prefer.

 

And yet I still love him and want to be with him regardless, and can't really see myself with anyone else. But a part of me really does wonder sometimes why it is that I push this marriage thing so much because in a way, being tied to him like that could be a horrible decision.

 

It's very confusing to want something that is completely illogical to want.

 

I really think that part of it is just my ego is bruised by this. I see guys who are so madly in love that they're bursting at the seams to propose to their women - and my guy doesn't seem to love me that much. Even thinking about that right now is bringing tears to my eyes. It stings. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I have seen MANY couples start dating long after we did, and they're already married. He seems to think 4 years isn't that long. I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me. Am I too fat? Too naggy? Not beautiful enough? I've even asked him before, What's wrong with me? Of course he says nothing is - but I feel like I'm forcing him into marriage and he really doesn't want it. He doesn't really want me forever. I feel like a chump.

Edited July 2, 2014 by kalika

[kalika]

I'm really sad and angry right now. The more LS posts I read, the more it's pretty clear that if he hasn't proposed by now, he's probably not going to, and deep down he probably has serious doubts about me being The One. I feel like such a freaking loser right now. FB doesn't help with all the happy pictures and engagents/marriages that are popping up everywhere.

 

I can't believe I played myself like this by allowing this to happen.

 

I really want to give that other guy a solid chance. I don't think he would abuse it the way my boyfriend has done. I could really have a life and a future with him.

 

This sounds crazy right now but being 100% honest, right now I want my boyfriend to hurt. Although we've broken up in the past - a hundred times - I want him to see me moving on completely from him and to know how it feels to have your partner move on from you and stop loving you. I want him to feel as hurt and rejected as I do right now.

 

Blah.

Edited July 2, 2014 by kalika

[Mr. Lucky]

Although we've broken up in the past - a hundred times

With all due respect, other than the vague notion that he somehow owes you matrimony, you haven't given any reason why you'd be good marital partners.

 

The drama, dissension, arguing and lack of communication you've described don't play any better in a marriage than they do in a LTR. And as unhappy as you sound with him in general, why would you want to marry him :confused: ????

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't know why you're letting other people's engagements/marriages and babies affect you...half of those damn people are going to end up miserable or divorced anyway.

 

At any rate, that probably has no affect on you whatsoever right now...but I think you're spending a little too much time looking at other people's lives, I hate how often women compares themselves with each other and essentially compete...but do you deserve to get married? well you're the one that wasted 4 years with a guy you kept breaking up with and going back and forth, what did you expect? just everything to magically work out.

 

There are always signs in the beginning, the thing is women don't choose to read them and then 4 years later they act like the damn victim and get all upset because it didn't turn out the way you wanted to...you're going to have to be a big girl and realize you made some mistakes with this guy and he was ever really invested on the same level as you were in different ways.

 

The good news is he's helped you raise your child with you, but he's made it clear he's not having more and doesn't really want to get married...so why the hell do you want to get married then? just so you can post it on FB?...what do you expect to change or improve? your problems are only going to get worse, the man's doing you a favor because chances are he'd divorce you sooner or later at the rate you're going...and don't give me "at least we'd be married"...look marriage doesn't do jack crap, I know it's this big great accomplishment for women and everything but it's not going to fix the problems in this relationship, I have no idea what motivates women to force it anyway even when it doesn't fit over and over.

 

You need to stop complaining and just actually take control of your own life and be responsible for you...if the man don't want to marry you stop trying to make him, and if you're not happy with him then move...no arguments, no useless fights and shouting, no disgruntled behavior, yes you're hurt but this guy never damn changed for 4 years, what did you think would happen if things weren't going to work out in the end? oh wait you didn't think...or think that far.

 

Stop playing childish games and prolonging the situation, you're a grown woman plotting all these ways to hurt him and get back at him for "wasting your time", you wasted your own time, this guy seemed pretty predictable...and trust me, you can't see yourself with somebody else but that's because you're still in this relationship, that'll change but if you keep wasting more time with this guy and you're not happy with it then stop fighting and do something about it to change it...can't control him, only yourself.

 

Besides, the best way to get back at anybody is go on with your life and be happy without them. And stop using love as a bargaining chip to keep yourself in this, you had 4 years already, it ain't working.

[Smilecharmer]

Marriage doesn't repair broken relationships. It is a beautiful thing for people who want the same things in life and who are compatible and drama free. Otherwise it isn't feasible because you don't force someone to marry you. I'm not sure why you want to get married as your relationships sounds awful and he obviously doesn't want to marry. Why did you stay for so long if you two aren't compatible. If someone kept telling me how I'm unhappy I act, I would listen and get myself together rather than try to marry an unwilling partner.

[still_an_Angel]

Reading up on what you've written, I don't think he is ready to marry you (or probably anyone) for that matter. I think he knows this too, he is not decisive and he's probably not sure if he can keep up with you. He is the male after all, and not very "alpha" to keep the direction in a marriage. (not saying that he should lead because marriage is a partnership therefore both parties lead) but he can't even make up his mind about stuff, how much more if he marries?

 

 

Please don't look at all the other people around you as the guide to life and life events, we all have our paths, other people marry, some don't. Its not a competition and you don't have to lead your life by keeping up with your friends who have married and had children. Marriage won't guarantee your happiness.

[d0nnivain]

Although I didn't have a child, I have been where you are. I wanted to be married. I thought we had an otherwise good relationship & the biggest point of contention seemed to be that we weren't married. My EX gave me the "it's just a piece of paper" BS. If you have ever been married, you know it's so much more than that.

 

First, your timing sucks. You don't have discussions about important life changing stuff like this before work.

 

Second, in hindsight, one of the things I finally realized is that when I was all wound up focused on what I was not getting, it made me a very unattractive partner.

 

When you are calmer, sit down & discuss his views on marriage in general. If he's just anti-marriage, you have to decide if you want to live with him forever or you want to walk Don't demand a time frame but in your head know how long you are wiling to continue to wait. Make it clear to him that you won't wait forever. Then let it go & be sweet.

[BetheButterfly]

Hey LS,

 

I need some advice, and I'll try to keep it as brief as possible. I don't know what to do and would really like a guy's perspective on this situation.

 

This morning before work, my boyfriend and I ended up getting in a huge fight. Basically, after being with/living with each other for 4 years, I asked him if he ever intends to get married to me. He said yes but I was in tears and demanded he give me a time frame. He looked like a deer in the headlights and just said "soon." I demanded to know when and he then said something about how he doesn't want to have to give me a time frame. He also said he doesn't want more kids. I left very upset and went to work.

 

Some backstory:

 

-My boyfriend has been helping me raise my 11 year old son. This has made it ten times harder to break up with him because my son is very close to him.

-I just left NY without him a little under a year ago. I took him back, and he moved down here to ATL, because he told me things would change. (they haven't)

-He has never once, in all the time we've been together, initiated a conversation where he told me he wants to marry me or spoken about a plan for us/our family. I'm always the one who has to initiate these conversations - and when I did, he would say hurtful things to me like: "You don't even know what you want", or "Marriage won't make you any happier; you're just an unhappy person in general." Needless to say, the times I do try to bring up our future become huge fights wrought with frustration and anger.

-He also tends to pretend like these conversations never happened. Ie after our fight, while I was at work I got a text from him that he is craving pizza for dinner.. WTF?! I left the house in tears and all you can effing say to me is you want pizza for dinner?!?!

 

I'm really hurt. My pride is hurt. I've seen literally 10 couples who started dating AFTER us already get engaged AND married in the time we've been together. I feel like ***** that he also uses this as an excuse (me starting fights and breaking up with him) - like, "See? What would have happened if I'd have proposed??" - although it seemed like he had no intentions of doing so in the first place.

 

I'm emotionally worn down, crying, exhausted, stressed, and feeling so unloved. I left a LOT out but I'm trying to keep it as short as possible .. sorry for the long rant..

 

I'm not a guy, so that basically disqualifies me from giving the advice you ask for. However, I do just want to say that you are not alone. Many women stay in a relationship hoping the man will commit to her, but he doesn't.

 

Because of this, if a woman wants to get married, she needs to find a person who truly shares that desire from the beginning.

 

I am sorry. While it is very nice and caring and good that he has helped you raise your son, if you truly want to get married, you need to let this man go and find a man who truly wants to commit to you.

[BetheButterfly]

Marriage doesn't repair broken relationships.

 

So true!!! It's vital to have a healthy and strong relationship first. Marriage is not a bandaid by any means.

It is a beautiful thing for people who want the same things in life and who are compatible and drama free.

 

100% agreed.

 

Otherwise it isn't feasible because you don't force someone to marry you.

 

And why would one want to? I would not want to marry someone who felt forced to marry me, and I would not want to force anyone to marry me. Marriage should be a mutual symbiotic relationship/commitment/team.

 

I'm not sure why you want to get married as your relationships sounds awful and he obviously doesn't want to marry. Why did you stay for so long if you two aren't compatible. If someone kept telling me how I'm unhappy I act, I would listen and get myself together rather than try to marry an unwilling partner.

 

OP, why did you and he split up before?

[BetheButterfly]

I feel like such a freaking loser right now.

 

You are not a loser. Please don't call yourself that.

 

FB doesn't help with all the happy pictures and engagents/marriages that are popping up everywhere.

 

That's not FB's fault. The engagements and marriages of other people are nice, but I think it best to learn from happy old marriages. It'd be good to learn from people who have been married for more than 39 years, who love each other and who you can see that they are a team who are there for each other.

 

I can't believe I played myself like this by allowing this to happen.

 

Again, you're not alone. Many women find themselves in the same place.

 

I really want to give that other guy a solid chance. I don't think he would abuse it the way my boyfriend has done. I could really have a life and a future with him.

 

Please break it off with your boyfriend before pursuing a relationship with another person. That's really important.

This sounds crazy right now but being 100% honest, right now I want my boyfriend to hurt.

 

? Wanting revenge and letting bitterness creep into you is not going to help you have a healthy and happy relationship with another human. I was hurt by a guy before I met my husband, but I had to make sure to forgive and let go. When I let go of the bitterness and anger, that helped me to be ready for my husband.

 

 

Although we've broken up in the past - a hundred times - I want him to see me moving on completely from him and to know how it feels to have your partner move on from you and stop loving you. I want him to feel as hurt and rejected as I do right now.

 

That's not going to help you be ready for a man who is committed to loving you. Please let the bitterness and anger go. It's not worth it. Please be happy and move on for you, not to get revenge cause your boyfriend hasn't proposed.

 

When I was hurt, if I had held on to anger and bitterness, I don't think I would have been ready for meeting my husband. My husband is not an angry or bitter person, and is not attracted to anger or bitterness. Many guys who are marriage-minded want to marry women who are not controlled by negative emotions.

[MissBee]

Marriage is to solidify already good relationships....

 

You guys do not sound like you have a good relationship and I would not suggest you try to get married.

 

As others have said, he can continue a relationship with your son even if you separate.

 

He doesn't want to marry you. Frankly, there have been so many threads on this, one recent one on "Forever GFs" that you should check out. I will say the same thing I always say: If you want a husband and to be married, do not date, live with and move states for someone who has not committed to you in that way. My bf and I for example discussed this before we even went on a date, that right now we're both looking for our future spouses and are only interested in dating people or getting into a relationship with people whom we see that as a potential. We talked about wanting kids in the future etc. So from jump we knew that deciding to be together meant we're gonna be married down the line or break up. We haven't even been together a year but we often talk about marriage, the future and we talk to each other with the idea that you could potentially be my husband/wife and make tentative and concrete plans with that in mind. We briefly thought of moving in together, but decided not to right now, but while discussing that he made it clear that if he moved in with me, that was pretty much me saying "I do" because he's not moving in with anyone he's not going to marry....since that was such a big thing for both of us, we held off on that to give our relationship time to mature. Point is: this is how couples who are thinking of marriage with each other do things. It's a topic brought up frequently and is something discussed explicitly. Not one person sitting around and every year hoping for a ring with NO DISCUSSION about it ever being brought up.

 

From day one you should let it be known what you want and then only date men who feel the same. But to be in a relationship for years with a man who says nothing about marriage, all the while secretly hoping he pops the question is silly. It's not a romantic comedy. It's real life. People who want to be married, when they're dating should let this be known so that when they do get into a relationship they and their SO have marriage as the end goal and you either work towards it or not. But to never have this discussion and essentially waste your life waiting is silly.

 

If you have to beg, beseech, cry, throw tantrums, demand time frames etc....you should NOT be marrying this person. If a man isn't as happy to talk and think about marriage as you are and isn't dying to make you his wife (look around here at other men who've proposed or are planning to propose and how excited they are about marrying their gfs) then he doesn't want to marry and isn't the man for you and trying to force it out of him won't make you happy. Do you want a husband who is in love with you and who of his OWN FREE WILL chose you and wants to be with you or do you just want to have a ring and be Mrs.ReluctantGuy for show?

 

I would cut my losses and break it off. Dude doesn't want to marry you, doesn't want more kids, he's pretty rude to you and your relationship won't get any better from here and adding marriage will only make it WORSE.

Edited July 2, 2014 by MissBee

[kalika]

Thanks for the replies so far everyone. It's really given me a lot to think about. In truth I pretty much know all the responses .. I just haven't really acted on anything at this point - completely my fault.

 

I do want to clarify a few things. First off - he's not a bad boyfriend at all. I had never even wanted to marry anyone, not even remotely, before I met him and started dating him. I honestly think, though, that in reality he is quite immature in many ways, and he can be very indecisive about important things in general. Our communication also isn't the best and that's something that I would consider going to counseling with him for, if it were worth it to both of us. Beyond these issues though, I know that he does love me. He is extremely good to me and my son and is extremely kind, considerate, loyal and very loving. Unfortunately though, he's not one to think about the future very much in general, whereas I do; so he's very comfortable with how things are, and has no real motivation to change it at all.

 

Also - I'm not trying to compare my relationship just for the sake of a Facebook status. I hardly even post on FB and I don't care much about it; same with him. But it does hurt to see guys posting about how they popped the question to the girl of their dreams - and how much planning and thought went into it - because they want so much to be with that girl. Especially when that guy knew within a year or two that he wanted to start a life with that girl.

 

Some of the things I said, I shouldn't have. I'm not trying to be a victim in this and I am totally aware of all of the things I shouldn't have done with him. I understand that if he's not ready, he's just not ready. I don't want to marry someone who doesn't truly want to be married to me. It just hurts on a deep level that I finally find a guy that I ACTUALLY want to marry, someone that I trust enough with my life and my son's life, and he doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do.

 

I haven't made a decision yet as to whether I'm going to end it with him once and for all. I'm going to calm it down, give it a few weeks and see how I'm feeling after the fact.

 

He just made a huge move to be down in Georgia with me. That complicates things a bit. Before I throw this out the window I'm going to ask him to go to counseling with me. If things don't progress at all though, either with our communication or commitment, I will definitely be asking him to move out and I don't feel that would be unjustified at this point.

Edited July 4, 2014 by kalika

[Miss Awesome]

And yet I still love him and want to be with him regardless, and can't really see myself with anyone else.

 

 

...

 

It's very confusing to want something that is completely illogical to want.

 

I can't believe I played myself like this by allowing this to happen.

 

 

I spent almost six years in a terrible relationship. I intended to spend the rest of my life with that guy, even though I knew the relationship wasn't going well. Now, he ended up leaving me, not the other way around, so I can't speak on having the courage to end a long-term relationship. Here's what I can speak on though: Once I got out of that situation, I was able to see all the ways in which I was kidding myself into thinking he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. I also found I was much stronger than I ever thought I could be. Like you, I couldn't imagine my life without him. Now? I wouldn't go back to that life no matter how much you paid me.

[iiiii]

Two things.

 

Firstly, if he asked you to marry him, would you say yes, immediately and unreservedly, with your whole heart? From reading your post, I wonder. It sounds kind of like you are into the idea of him wanting to marry you, but are maybe not 100% sure that he is the right guy for you to marry? If you are not 100% sure you would enthusiastically commit to him for the rest of your life - then it's not really reasonable to give him grief for not proposing to you.

 

Secondly, if you do really, really want to marry him - you need to bring it up in a respectful and calm manner. If you don't ask, you don't get. If you don't bring it up, he might assume that it's just not all that important to you.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

Sounds like he is fine with the status quo and you're not. That means it's up to you to be decisive. You have 3 options - either you propose with te understanding if he drags his feet or is ambiguous in his answer you're outta there.

 

-you move on now.

 

- live with the status quo.

 

You are both full grown adults. An adult man knows within a matter of months-year if the woman he is involved with is who he wants to marry or not. If she is he will do it. If he doesn't want to, he won't.

 

If marriage was your goal you woulda left 3 years ago. Instead you had him be a surrogate daddy to your child and let it slide.

 

Now you just need to decide if you want to marry at this point in your life or not.

 

If you do, this guy definately ain't it. If you don't and can live with the status quo then knock yourself out because how it is now is how it's going to be.

 

You basically have the right to lay down an ultimatum and put a deadline on it provided you are willing to go through with it.

 

You also have the right to walk if this isn't the life you want to live anymore.

 

And you have the right to accept the status quo and live with it.

 

What you don't have the right to do is live under the current situation and bitch about it all the time. Every day that you aren't packing your bags and leaving is a day you made the conscious decision to stay. Whining and bitching and breaking up and threatening to break up and then coming back is nothing more than ineffectual manipulating and being bratty.

 

You bitch about him being indecisive, but that's exactly what you're doing.

 

Decisiveness is taking action. Either shove a marriage through.

Pack your stuff and leave. Or live with the status quo and make the best of it without whining and destabilizing the household with all the break ups and pressure and fighting.

[The Like Fairy]

I vote kick his sorry ass out and move on.

 

I vote this because I spent many years with a similar buffoon in a similar situation.

 

It wasn't worth it. I know that now.

 

Plus your guy (like my ex) is abusive, for example the pizza text he sent, like no fight had happened. He wasn't absent minded, accidentally overlooking your state of mind.

 

That's ABUSE, intended to drive you mad.

 

Google ' Gas Lighting',- its similar to that type of subtle abuse.

 

It will make you nuts over time.

 

While you are at it, check out the website baggage reclaim dot com. Great articles about all forms of mind f*ckery that can happen in toxic relationships. Knowledge is power, and emotional freedom, eventually. All the best to you!

Edited July 5, 2014 by The Like Fairy

[irtech]

Hello kalika,

 

if you read my post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/482259-dependece-love-both, I also live with a GF that wants commitment.First I want to make a disclaimer. there are differences in our situation so maybe your guy does not feel like me at all. difference is that we rarely argue . she also has become badly dependent on me. I never promised her anything from first place, never! because I don't want to promise a thing that even maybe I can't make. she never been my ideal girl from first place and I never felt a definitive sense of love for her. so these and some more are differences between our situations.

 

As i said definitely she is not my ideal girl but I am ready to sacrifice some of my expectations from my ideal wife if I was sure that she would also do sacrifices for me. I would marry her if I was sure that she really loves me and not just needs someone like me. If I was sure that if someday I became terminally ill and I can't support her, she will do all the things that I done for her.

If your guy feels close to me, all he wants to know is that you are also ready to sacrifice many things in your life for him if someday he needed that. And believe me that he doesn't want to know a lie just for you to get married, so if you genuinely love him and are ready to sacrifice many things for him then try to prove it to him and if not just leave him. it will be better for both of you ; because if your guy feels like me then be sure if someday he finds out that you just needed him or wanted to get marry at any price and he was the only one who has sacrificed his wishes and you are not ready to sacrifice many things for him then your marriage will end up badly. At least I know for sure in this situation mine will end up badly and I greatly regret marrying her.

 

I Hope best thing happens for you!

Edited July 6, 2014 by irtech

[The Like Fairy]

Enigma32

That's pretty thin. If someone told me they were abused because their boyfriend said he wanted pizza for dinner, I would laugh at them. I think it's a spit in the face to all women who have been actually abused.

Let me educate you a bit on abuse. I know a thing or two about it, I was married to a psychopath and master abuser for almost 2 decades.

 

He did things like the pizza text, all the time. It's not thin, it's absolutely legitimate as a subtle form of abuse.

 

But to the outside observer, it it a small subtlety that can be argued as 'thin' or 'weak'. When it happens on a continual basis, is when it becomes more obvious as a distinct form of abuse, similar to Gas Lighting.

 

 

-He also tends to pretend like these conversations never happened.

 

I.e. - after our fight, while I was at work I got a text from him that he is craving pizza for dinner..

 

WTF?!

 

I left the house in tears and all you can effing say to me is you want pizza for dinner?!?!

 

.

 

This is the pizza text I was referring to.

 

Yes, it is a form of abuse, similar to Gas Lighting.

 

He is pretending the fight never happened.

 

He totally ignored the fact she left the house in tears and in a highly upset state.

 

His ignoring her state of mind when she left.

 

He sent a text saying he's hungry and wants pizza, instead of a text asking if she was ok, got to work ok, and that they should try to discuss it again calmly when she gets home.

 

He could have ordered the pizza himself without texting her. A further slap in the face occurs if his intent was for her to get it for him and pay for it.

 

It's abuse. It's a subtle form of abuse, but very damaging all the same.

 

This subtle abuse will make you crazy.

 

This abusive behaviour is along the same lines of Gas Lighting.

 

It is insidious in nature, meant to be subtle and hard to prove as a form of abuse. But it most definitely is abuse.

 

Someone who cares about someone, does not ignore the fact they left the house in tears and highly upset about something that is very important to them, and they certainly don't ignore the person's upset feelings entirely and instead send a self centered text about being hungry for pizza.

 

That's sick and uncaring. It's abusive in this context.

 

Furthermore, these observations of mine highlight and examine this subtle form of abuse, are in no way a 'slap in the face' to other people of either gender that have experienced other forms of abuse.

Edited July 6, 2014 by The Like Fairy

[Clockwork]

4 years is long enough to know if a girl is the "one". I am a man, I got engaged to my wife after 14 months and married 6 months after that. A total of 20 months knowing each other. We're still going strong, children and all. I made the right choice, so did she. I wouldn't change a thing. I "knew" almost instantly that this woman was going to be my wife, maybe a couple weeks in. Your guy obviously hasn't or else he would have done it by now. Sorry to be so blunt, and I know girls hate hearing this, but if a guy wants to marry you, he will because he wants you to be his wife not his "girlfriend" for the rest of your life. He would be proud to call you his wife. That's if a guy wants to marry you. This guy doesn't seem to thrilled about it and you guys both seem like you are in a relationship that is shaky. Try to assess why that is.

 

But I suggest being with a man who has the same needs as you. He doesn't want anymore children and you have just one and want more. That is a huge issue. Huge. That can make you spiteful in 30 years when it is impossible to turn back the clock.

 

Find a guy with your needs. It might hurt now, but it won't in the long run.

[oldshirt]

4 years is long enough to know if a girl is the "one". I am a man, I got engaged to my wife after 14 months and married 6 months after that. A total of 20 months knowing each other. We're still going strong, children and all. I made the right choice, so did she. I wouldn't change a thing. I "knew" almost instantly that this woman was going to be my wife, maybe a couple weeks in. Your guy obviously hasn't or else he would have done it by now. Sorry to be so blunt, and I know girls hate hearing this, but if a guy wants to marry you, he will because he wants you to be his wife not his "girlfriend" for the rest of your life. He would be proud to call you his wife. That's if a guy wants to marry you. This guy doesn't seem to thrilled about it and you guys both seem like you are in a relationship that is shaky. Try to assess why that is.

 

But I suggest being with a man who has the same needs as you. He doesn't want anymore children and you have just one and want more. That is a huge issue. Huge. That can make you spiteful in 30 years when it is impossible to turn back the clock.

 

Find a guy with your needs. It might hurt now, but it won't in the long run.

 

Yes ^^^^^^^^^^^