Should I reach out to her?

[sooshi]

I've struggled intermittently in coping with this.

 

I have rather strong feelings of resentment towards my former best friend, who my ex-fiance pursued/flirted with within days of ending our engagement. They've never met. She allowed the flirtatious behaviour to continue for quite a while without letting me know. Despite her saying it was heartbreaking and unacceptable behaviour, etc., she also admitted that she enjoyed it. Kept him on FB after he deleted me, and didn't tell me about the love song he wrote for her and sent her until I told her about him sending it to me. She kept him on FB even after all of this and got upset with me for asking her why she did it. She has deleted MANY guys in the past just because she thinks they like her -- many of them never hit on her or anything.

 

I kind of want to reach out to her. I don't know what I would say. But again, as a normally very, very calm and understanding person, I do not feel calm towards her. I've had thoughts of not wanting to hear from her again, that no part of me wants to have her in my life.

 

Unfortunately, I still have an emotional attachment to my ex-fiance. He's like a long-standing habit that's been hard to break. But I've had many moments of detachment. I'm getting there.

 

I'm thinking it's a bad idea to tell my ex friend how I feel. I want to tell her how a good friend doesn't ENJOY being at the receiving end of behaviour they deem heartbreaking/terrible, etc. at the expense of their friend's feelings. But I know it's probably not wise to say anything at all.

 

So I guess I just needed to vent about this.

Edited July 2, 2014 by sooshi

[theexfiance]

I've struggled intermittently in coping with this.

 

I have rather strong feelings of resentment towards my former best friend, who my ex-fiance pursued/flirted with within days of ending our engagement. They've never met. She allowed the flirtatious behaviour to continue for quite a while without letting me know. Despite her saying it was heartbreaking and unacceptable behaviour, etc., she also admitted that she enjoyed it. Kept him on FB after he deleted me, and didn't tell me about the love song he wrote for her and sent her until I told her about him sending it to me. She kept him on FB even after all of this and got upset with me for asking her why she did it. She has deleted MANY guys in the past just because she thinks they like her -- many of them never hit on her or anything.

 

I kind of want to reach out to her. I don't know what I would say. But again, as a normally very, very calm and understanding person, I do not feel calm towards her. I've had thoughts of not wanting to hear from her again, that no part of me wants to have her in my life.

 

Unfortunately, I still have an emotional attachment to my ex-fiance. He's like a long-standing habit that's been hard to break. But I've had many moments of detachment. I'm getting there.

 

I'm thinking it's a bad idea to tell my ex friend how I feel. I want to tell her how a good friend doesn't ENJOY being at the receiving end of behaviour they deem heartbreaking/terrible, etc. at the expense of their friend's feelings. But I know it's probably not wise to say anything at all.

 

So I guess I just needed to vent about this.

 

Would confronting your ex-best friend solve anything? Ultimately, they both did you wrong. I think that you already know what to do about the feelings that you are having about your ex.

 

However, with the ex-best friend things may not be so clear. If she had an explanation, would it make a difference? If the answer is anything other than "absolutely," then you shouldn't bother. Plus, if she still has a thing for your ex/is in contact with him, she may further betray your trust and inform him about you confronting her.

 

Without enough information, all I can suggest is to think it through and tread carefully.

[Tally123]

Do not contact her. She does not deserve anything from you.

 

Both of them sound pretty terrible people if I am honest and you are better away from them both.

 

I agree with the above poster that it will not help solve anything, it will just make you feel worse and dreg up all those feelings to the surface again.

 

Take Care

[sooshi]

Thank you for your replies, Tally and theexfiance. I don't think it will help solve anything. I've already told her how I felt months ago and she just got defensive about it, being sarcastic about being sorry for not choosing a side and banishing someone else. This is not about banishing someone. It's about standing up for your friend, and she didn't do that at all.

 

I did tell her that the way she reacted wasn't reflective of a friend. She said it was hard to scold my ex if he really was having feelings, because feelings can't be controlled. But then she went on to say that there's a difference between having feelings and acting on them. Well, duh!!

 

My ex-fiance told me about liking her the morning after she shared with my pieces of things he had said to her. He only said he liked her, not that he'd pursued her. But the damage had already been done, and he hated that I wasn't handle it agreeably. My friend didn't want me to tell him that she had shared pieces of their conversations with me. She didn't want him to think that she couldn't be trusted.

 

Sigh. She wasn't much of a friend to begin with, I guess. And neither was my ex-fiance. How disheartening.

[Zahara]

Please don't do this. You never got what you deserved from her when all this happened, you certainly aren't going to receive the validation you need now.

 

Sooshi, I'm sorry you're still struggling with this. I mentioned this to you that she was more concerned about prioritizing her feelings and your ex's feelings, and if the friendship meant anything to her, she would have prioritized you. Through everything that happened, you got sidelined by both of them. Why would she care now about how you feel when she didn't care then?

 

You want some sort of apology to validate how you feel, infact to even reinforce that what you feel is right and justifiable -- be confident in your beliefs and your boundaries. You don't need an apology.

 

You need to start accepting this. Granted you've been dealt with a double whammy, but trying to force validation so that you can close this behind you is only going to make you run in circles. It's done. It's over. I get that you are mad, hurt and still upset -- but process those feelings on your own. She can't fix that for you.

 

And let's just say you confronted her and she 1) hung up on you 2) mnimized your feelings 3) dismissed it and told you to take a hike -- what would you do and how would you then feel? How would you then want to fix that because you know you'll be in a deeper hole.

 

Let's just say she apologized. 1) You may feel vindicated for awhile but tomorrow you'll still struggle with the betrayal -- that only goes away when YOU have processed those feelings on your own 2) you still can't be friends with her because she was never a friend to begin with.

 

Let it go. The only one keeping you stuck is you. In time you'll look back and realize what a blessing this has been, painful as it was.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Zahara

[sooshi]

Thank you, dearest Zahara. I know you're right about it all. I won't contact her -- it won't end up doing any good.

 

You're right that I'm the only one keeping me stuck. I'll continue to work on unsticking myself, and I will strive to maintain confidence in my beliefs and boundaries and for long-term acceptance. I tend to bounce back and forth between feeling good and not-so-good, but I think it's better than never being confident about my beliefs/boundaries or accepting that this happened, and that I'm sure it really has been a blessing that I can't fully fathom yet. Thank you, Zahara. <3

[Zahara]

Thank you, dearest Zahara. I know you're right about it all. I won't contact her -- it won't end up doing any good.

 

You're right that I'm the only one keeping me stuck. I'll continue to work on unsticking myself, and I will strive to maintain confidence in my beliefs and boundaries and for long-term acceptance. I tend to bounce back and forth between feeling good and not-so-good, but I think it's better than never being confident about my beliefs/boundaries or accepting that this happened, and that I'm sure it really has been a blessing that I can't fully fathom yet. Thank you, Zahara. <3

 

Of course, hun. You are welcome.

 

Grieving and healing is a process. One day you'll feel on top of the world and the next few days you'll feel like something under your shoe. Like waves they come and go, some good days and some bad. It has happened to all of us. When they come, you have to feel it and then, it will pass. Never a reason to react on those feelings. Find consolation that while it makes you feel bad, the good news is that it's an absolute indicator that you're going through the process and it's slowly getting you somewhere, somewhere better.

 

You'll fathom the blessing when you're emotionally detached and have gained your mental clarity. You're emotionally clouded right now. If you step out of this for just a minute and imagine your sister to be in this situation, you'd give the same advice we're giving you. You can't see that for yourself because you're consumed by your wounds.

 

You're doing great, Sooshi. Things are going to turn around. It won't always be this way.

[theexfiance]

If I can share one more piece of unsolicited advice...

 

I learned something incredibly deep from my therapist yesterday:

 

You should stop calling them your ex-fiance. They're just another ex. An ex boyfriend, nothing more. The act of putting them above any other ex when they've done something so deplorable is a means of glorifying them and their behavior. They never really made it to the point of being something more.

 

Essentially, we're saying that they somehow stand a better chance of getting us back or that they have us so wrapped around their finger that we'll be buckling at the knees for a shot with them again after some time has passed.

 

**** that.

 

You are worth more than their behaviors. Frankly, without knowing any of you I can safely say that neither of them are worth a damn. They betrayed you without a second thought. They're selfish, immature, and self-serving.

 

Good riddance. Hold your head up and remember that you are worthy of respect. A friend and a true love would not so easily dismiss your feelings and selfishly pursue their own desires. My two cents.

[sooshi]

Thank you so much, Zahara, for your thoughts. It definitely won't always be this way.

 

theexfiance: Yeah, I do feel less inclined to think of him as an ex-fiance. He is slowly becoming something like mist in the past; he's slowly disappearing. I can see where your therapist is coming from.

 

They were my friends (or at least I thought they were), but you're right: a friend wouldn't so easily dismiss your feelings and selfishly pursue their own desires. I think that they thought I would be understanding of ANYTHING that happened, and since I wasn't agreeable with what they did, they turned in on me and I fell for it. As Zahara would say: manipulation.

 

Thank you for your thoughts. Like Zahara said, it won't always be this way (and the same goes for you, theexfiance!)

[redbaron005]

No reaching out!

 

You made the decision to distance yourself from your former friend and it's best to stick to that decision, for both your sakes. Many have gone through stages in life where we wish we had more friends and support, don't fall into the trap of lowering your standards for comfort.

 

PS: you're totally awesome!

[sooshi]

Aww, thanks, redbaron. You're great yourself!

 

You're right that I made the decision to distance myself from her and that it's best to stick to that decision. Thank you for the reminder.

 

She would've been the main bridesmaid at my wedding but now I can't even imagine inviting her to my wedding should I get married some day.

 

I hope you're doing well with your own healing journey.

[MuffMan6969]

sooshi, After reading your post, I think you are a class act. Keep taking the high road and let let those two take the low road.

Hope for them to get together and when you meet someone with as much class as you, you can look back and smile.

[mercuryshadow]

I think others are right in advising you to not reach out. However, if she were to reach out to you, I'd say you had every right to calmly and directly share your feelings and close the case, so to speak. I had a friend, a good friend, become involved with my ex fiance (I didn't know until ATF) and she ended up causing a lot of trouble, speaking to my ex of private things I had shared with her, etc. I didn't feel the need to tell her a thing, I just stopped talking to her. It was only after she reached out to me (years later!) that I told her how I felt. She understood, expressed to me her regret, and I appreciated that, but it is not likely I will ever be good friends with her again. And that's okay. Do I still care for her? Yes. And I forgive her, but I cannot rekindle a close friendship with someone who would knowingly cause so much harm.

[elseaacych]

Sooshi: I'm sorry that you're still struggling with this, even though it is still perfectly understandable that you have unresolved feelings. You got a double whammy between both of them.

 

That being said, you have to want to let go of reaching out to either of them. You know that they are just harbingers of pettiness and misery, and you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

 

What you can do is forgive yourself, first and foremost, for resolving to let go of these toxic relationships and following through on that resolution by giving them the cold shoulder. Nothing good came from your relationships from them, and you have to gently remind yourself of that regularly. Multiple times a day. Remind yourself that you are letting go for your own peace of mind. By letting go, you are not letting yourself be sucked into their drama. And it is very much okay to vent and release your feelings in a positive manner.

 

You've come a long way since you joined, and it's okay to feel uncertain at times, just have faith that you know what's best for you, and these feelings will pass.

[sooshi]

Aww, thank you for the support, everyone. I'm sorry for my delayed response. I was away for a week and didn't want to come on here while I was away.

 

mercuryshadow: I'm sorry you had to go through with that, but I'm glad you were able to forgive her!

 

Despite having decided that I wouldn't contact her, I did. It was after I had an intensely emotional dream where I was very angry with her, and woke up feeling that way. She was very receptive towards me and it actually helped me move on!

 

I was visiting a friend in my ex's state, about a 20 minute drive away from him. This friend had invited me. She and my ex used to be FB friends and she probably posted about my visit while they were still friends on there.

 

When I reached out to this other girl, she told me she had blocked my ex. That he had become too persistent and was becoming angry because she didn't want him and because she wasn't responding to him the way he wanted. He also told her that he knew I was going to his area and that he was really, really concerned and scared that I had ulterior motives. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to talk to him. And instead of asking me or the friend about the visit, he went to my former best friend instead and told made assumptions and made me out to be a monster. He said that I wasn't good to him, that he didn't have good experiences with me, didn't want to talk to me or have me in his life, that I was a bad person and that he hated me.

 

After she told him she wanted another child, he told her he wanted to give it to her.

 

Yeah, that did it for me. I don't deserve any of this. I was his biggest fan and supporter, and I guided him towards living healthily. Yep, I am so manipulative and untrustworthy, and was terrible to him. I am a bad person. Yep.

 

I don't buy into it anymore, and it's so liberating.

 

You guys are great. Zahara, you were right when you said it wouldn't always be that way. And elsea, you're right: those feelings have passed. I'm sure they'll come to visit in brief increments, but it's done. I can rest. I can breathe. I have so much weight lifted off of me.

 

I guess because I didn't respond in the way he wanted when he pursued my best friend, that he turned everything around on me. I'm so manipulative because I didn't support him. I didn't try to break up the relationship my friend was in at the time. He was. Yep. I was awful to him. Took the next bus I could to travel hours and hours when he was in dire need of support. Cooked for him. Didn't complain when he got upset. I was always calm. I listened. I was great to him. He can turn it all on me all he wants. He can hate me. He can make me the villain.

 

But I know that I'm not what he says I am.

And I stand by that whole-heartedly and won't let him abuse me anymore.