sugarlove Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Hi everyone, just wondering how fast it is for you guys to move on after a breakup? Right now, I'm not dating anyone... just focusing on myself but I know my ex has been going online to date since the day we broke up. Is it easier for guys to replace the exgf after a breakup when love was involved? Do you usually compare this person with the exgf? Does online dating makes it easier to move on? How often does one find love on the internet? Just a thought that came to me.. x
PhillyConnection23 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 You can't replace your ex. Just like you can't replace a parent or an animal. Something else will come along and fill the hole but its not the same fit...maybe it will be a better fit, maybe it won't. However, dating and getting back into the game is a normal part of the recovery process. For me personally, it sorta helped. I started "dating" a lot sooner than I should have but it showed me that I wasn't some weird, ugly, or unattractive person. I made a point not really to pursue those relationships further. 3 months post break up I'm talking to someone casually and getting physical with occasionally. I realize I'm not capable of making the emotional investment to build this relationship further but she doesn't expect me to either. In this case it works.
Author sugarlove Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 (edited) I do agree. I tried online dating as well. But very quickly, I did find someone I could potentially have a rebound relationship with. I was honest with this guy from the start that I am not in the right state of mind to be invested in someone else. But the attraction from him did give me a huge morale boost as he was extremely eligible. But it was a shortlived one which was ended by me. A part of me hope my ex is still pining for me and not just jumped straight into another woman as the breakup felt incomplete. I felt it takes longer for women to open up again emotionally.. and for men, it's might be easier for them to find someone else. I"m not sure. Just wondering if being online with technology nowadays make relationships more easily replaceable, since there is such a large number of singles to choose from and one can easily just forget "the ex" so less likely for couples to try to work things out. Being a romantic, I'm sad that relationships where love was once present, can be so easily discarded. And I think online dating might be the culprit for that. Edited July 2, 2014 by sugarlove
PhillyConnection23 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Dating is definitely easier now with technology. Hell, I'm in Philadelphia and you are in Sydney, we could start a "relationship" right now that could give you the confidence, emotional support you need to get through this time. It definitely makes it easier but its not going to fill the void you are missing and it isn't going to replace what you had. In order for it to really work you need to be at the emotional point where you are ready and willing to fall in love with someone new. most people on this forum are waiting for their ex to contact them or secretly "planning" to attempt reconciliation at some point in the future.
Author sugarlove Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Dating is definitely easier now with technology. Hell, I'm in Philadelphia and you are in Sydney, we could start a "relationship" right now that could give you the confidence, emotional support you need to get through this time. It definitely makes it easier but its not going to fill the void you are missing and it isn't going to replace what you had. In order for it to really work you need to be at the emotional point where you are ready and willing to fall in love with someone new. most people on this forum are waiting for their ex to contact them or secretly "planning" to attempt reconciliation at some point in the future. Haha, and we are both 3 months in as well! It's almost a match made in internet heaven. Is it an 18 hours flight? Yeh it could work I might have fell into the "NC to make him miss me" category about a month ago. But quickly realised that mentality is giving him the control and not pushing me forward. I'm definitely not ready to fall in love. But talking to the opposite sex is a good distraction. I do hope that if it's really real love he felt for me, internet dating will not change his affections. But who knows... nonetheless, this pretty face aint gonna wait for no man!
Georgia2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I had met my recent ex from an online dating site. The day we broke up I signed back up for the site. After talking to my step mom she said she always started instantly dating again after ending a relationship until she met my dad. I decided to do what she did. I figure why wait he's not worth another second of my time. He proved he didn't love me with his actions. So I'm all ready looking for a new boyfriend. 1
PhillyConnection23 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Haha, and we are both 3 months in as well! It's almost a match made in internet heaven. Is it an 18 hours flight? Yeh it could work I might have fell into the "NC to make him miss me" category about a month ago. But quickly realised that mentality is giving him the control and not pushing me forward. I'm definitely not ready to fall in love. But talking to the opposite sex is a good distraction. I do hope that if it's really real love he felt for me, internet dating will not change his affections. But who knows... nonetheless, this pretty face aint gonna wait for no man! I've always wanted to go to Australia and a free couch might just seal the deal! You seem to have the right attitude with this. I don't know the circumstances of your break up but if it was a civil break up and you felt respected during it, there is a good chance he did love you. 1
Author sugarlove Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Our relationship on the whole was great, personality and interest wise, we just clicked. The issue is my constant need for space due to a few hungups from past relationships. Found out he has been sexting or trying to keep in touch with his exes 5 months into our relationship. All the while we were planning for a future with my kids etc etc. Didn't want to make it a big deal. But it did made me push him further. I untagged him off facebook out of sheer panic one day, he took it as an excuse to break this for us. No contact from his part. I was completely loopy and did all the wrong things. Yuck, I promise I won't ever degrade myself in that way again. Hmm, I don't think it was civil no. He did me a favour by not giving me any crumbs. I'm heaps better now, emotionally and counselling wise. Not sure what's going to happen in the future. He did love me, I was the one who always tend to hold back to protect myself. But we both have issues we've to deal with, my mental side and his sexting side. So.. who knows.. hopefully when we both dated a bit and start seeing what's truly out there, we might be back again. But I won't hold my breathe on that happening.
Dash23 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 sugarlove, You've been helping me in my other thread, which I'm going to respond to in it (with the worst possible update I just found out about my 10 year relationship). But I definitely have experience in this area with regards to your question from a guy's perspective. Like anything, it is definitely all circumstancial and depends on the guy himself and how the break up went down. A few examples. A friend of mine broke up with his LTR, they retried and she moved in for the second effort, and sure enough, it failed again. He has definitely been emotionally damaged in terms of being able to "fall in love" again, he sleeps with women, is charming, smart, great job, etc. etc. Yet it's been a couple years after their break up and life issues (and his ex) have even had him seeing a counsellor that he pays 180 weekly for. I literally just found this out when I asked him for advice on my situation. Another friend, divorced, and he honestly doesn't know if he'll be able to fall in love again (or anytime soon for that matter). Really good looking guy, treats women like gold, can't sleep around and be a good companion to women, and he's such a good guy that he treats even his casual hook ups like gold and they get the wrong impression. Then he lays down the hammer that he is "unemotionally unavailable". Myself, a few years ago, I dated a considerably younger girl who was all around AWESOME. But I knew she was a touch too young at the time (timing is everything, if I only I met her a year or two later in her mid twenties) and that it wasn't going to really have much of a shot for something long term. Our honeymoon phase ended after 9 months, she wanted to call it off, so being the proudful guy I am, I went NC, and started dating (and even sleeping) with a few people starting a day after our break up. It definitely momentarily helped although none of them were as great as the ex, but again, she dumped me, and I knew I allowed my ego to control my emotions since I was the dumpee. My last situation, which you are aware of from my other thread is a tough one because I was the actual dumper and now I am having regrets and was hoping to reconcile. I've online dated since, and I am a very sexual guy and have even got quite slvtty to the point I feel like a wh0re sometimes. Sure it is fun at the time, but even for guys, it is damaging when you are actually pining over an ex - all my friends agree with this to. I've been so rattled over the ex over the last several days that I've literally got off caffeine, haven't drank, and as embarassing as it sounds, I'm masturbating several times a day so that I don't get the urge to text one of the several girls I've been involved with lately! The average guy would be like "what! your insane, thats awesome!". Sure it's awesome when your in that frame of mind, but when your not over an ex and you know it's just sexual experiences and casual company with people you don't see any potential with, it is emotionally damaging. I really went off topic and was long winded there, but it really depends. I got another friend who seems to hop from relationship to relationship and is happy each time - he was married, divorced, then in another long term relationship and engaged, then broken up and with another girl for several months, then after that he is now with another one. I think what makes it scarier is if you truly know you are a "picky" person. You get that sense of "oh man, now how many years until I find the next "the one". I know I'm picky and I couldn't be anywhere near anything like the friend I just mentioned since I don't easily connect with people (unless its for casual company for the most part and sex unfortunately) Not sure if this helps at all but I tried! 1
Author sugarlove Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 (edited) Thanks Dash, i really appreciate the time you've taken to write all that for me. It did help me to put things into perspective. I guess I just felt insecure about him moving faster than I did. Though I'm trying my best to comfort myself that he always tell me that I've been the One for him as he dated so many women and no one compared to me. Everyone has their ways to cope with the breakup. I do know that guys tend to start sleeping with others to get their mind off the ex. Women tend to confide in friends more. I"m moving on okay, but I often wonder if it's because he is now actively dating which is the reason why he hasn't broke contact at all with me. Sex is basically just sex and like you guys have said, it doesn't replace the emotional connection they once had with that someone. Just have to wait I guess, patience is something I'm slowly learning to trust. Edited July 2, 2014 by sugarlove 1
slouch Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I forced myself back into online dating at a pretty early stage- within a month of my last BU. One thing I would say is that it is very much a numbers game. You'll probably have to have a lot of conversations before you find someone willing to make the leap to a face-to-face date, encountering a lot of rejections along the way. The most discouraging thing about online dating is that people you think you're hitting it off with can completely disappear off the face of the earth for no apparent reason. That's another reason not to put all your eggs in one basket, but inevitably you will come across people who you do quickly feel invested in. From what I know, this is as true for girls as it is for guys, so I would only proceed if you're able to handle a high level of rejection.
guest569 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 For me, when I was able to go onto the site and not burst into tears looking at other men. Even when I thought i was ready though, i burst into tears after one of my dates. Sometimes you don't know until you try. But i feel like it helped somewhat. It at least restored a bit of much needed confidence for me. Although in the end i was dumped and rejected by 2 guys which hurt but now I am back to grieving over my ex.
life-is-short Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I started online dating within a couple of weeks of breaking up. I'm surprised at how much it has helped. I'm very careful that I don't want to get in a rebound relationship. However, in the relationship that just ended, I really don't have any regrets because I was a very supportive and loving partner to my ex. I am far from perfect and made some dumb mistakes, but nothing major. I miss being in a relationship, but I don't really miss my ex. I've been on several dates so far and it has helped me gain confidence and also helped me to put my previous relationship into perspective and helps me to clarify what personality attributes I miss in my ex and what I don't. Dating has helped me to see how there are so many different and wonderful women out there with different things to offer. A week ago I had an amazing date with a woman and the level of intellectual conversation was astounding and I didn't realize how much I had missed such discussions (my ex-gf never wanted to talk about such things). Another date I had the other night was with a woman who was so down-to-earth and authentic and we had a long and very deep conversation about what is important in life...it was a beautiful evening (my ex was sarcastic most of the time and didn't like deep discussions). So all this to say that dating has helped me to see that there is life after the BU and there are beautiful, intelligent, healthy (physically and psychologically), emotionally available women out there. While I'm sad my relationship with my ex ended, it was the right thing (should have ended it last fall) and I miss being in a relationship. I'm not sure I'll get into a serious relationship or not with any of these people I'm dating. I want to be true to myself and the healing journey and also authentic about my situation. Online dating has definitely been a helpful tool in the toolbox. 1
thisisme Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Hey everyone, I just saw this post. I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago and we talked about trying again but then I found out he was back on dating sites right after we broke up. So, I was very hesitant... We went back and forth a few times and he admitted that he hung out with a girl he met online but just as friends. He said he isn't interested in her and he's not ready to get back into dating yet (I believe that). But when I said I want to give us another chance, he isn't willing to get off the sites or stop hanging out with these new girl friends he is meeting or have any restrictions at this point until we decide we are going to be back together. I just can't handle that... I can't feel safe not knowing what he is doing and with who one night and then me the next... even if it is just as friends. You never know when that can turn into more. He says he loves me and he said he doesn't want to lose me out of his life but I told him the other day I'm not talking to him anymore because of the dating sites. So, I guess my question is... Is he just being a jerk because I dumped him or does he really want his freedom. And if that is the case, how can he say he loves me? Will he come back around? I don't know if I should wait or move on... but I really don't want to move on
Recommended Posts