JimmyB26 Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 This girl and I have known each other over a year. She texted me within days of me giving her my business card. There was immediate attraction. I'm 34 and just graduated from the grad school where she was starting to go when we met. She's 23. But there was always an on-again-off-again boyfriend in the background. We've been out a few times since we met, and a month ago I invited her out, she came out after a nine-hour shift and all the way to my side of the city. We drank for three hours, had great conversation like we always do, then she came back to my place. She put the moves on me, we finally had sex and she spent the night, naked in my arms, then took me out for breakfast and walked with me around the city for a while. She sort of got a little distant over the next couple weeks after that, so I asked her to call me about three weeks ago and she did within a couple of hours, even after I told her why I wanted to talk, and I basically said to her, "Look, I have a great time when I'm with you and we really connect. I'd like to date you and explore this with you, but I'm getting the sense that this isn't the right time. I'm putting the ball in your court. Get in touch with me when you're single and available and if I'm still single, we can pick this up again." She told me she really likes me and she'd totally date me, and she was trying to get out of a bad situation with this ex, but doesn't feel free to date right now. So we said our goodbyes after that, but we're still connected on LinkedIn, so she'll be reminded of me from time to time. It's been three weeks, and haven't heard anything. Obviously, I haven't said anything at all. No texts, no calls, no LinkedIn or anything else. Thoughts? I'll add that she has gotten distant before. The first time was when we first started hanging out. She asked me to call her and I did, and she told me it wasn't the right time. I said good luck, ball's in your court. She got in touch six days later on a Saturday night, but I was out of town. Then she got unresponsive over last summer while I was working out of town for a few weeks, but she had Read Receipts on her texts. I sent one after ten days of silence just to say hello, she read it, and ignored it, so I said the same thing, good luck, wish you the best. Went silent for three weeks, then she reached out, which led to a date when I got back into town and some serious making out. Things got in the way between about October and February, but there's been pretty regular contact since February, and then we saw each other a couple times in May before she started going quiet again and I told her to get in touch when she's actually single and ready to date me. Finally, she knew why I wanted to talk to her on the phone before she called me, I had told her via text. She called me right when she said she would, which I doubt she would have done had she not wanted to hear it. Also, she thanked me for being vulnerable and telling her what I wanted. It's like we can pick up after months and fall right back into our connection. Is this just a wait-out situation?
Smarty Pants Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 This girl and I have known each other over a year. She texted me within days of me giving her my business card. There was immediate attraction. I'm 34 and just graduated from the grad school where she was starting to go when we met. She's 23. But there was always an on-again-off-again boyfriend in the background. We've been out a few times since we met, and a month ago I invited her out, she came out after a nine-hour shift and all the way to my side of the city. We drank for three hours, had great conversation like we always do, then she came back to my place. She put the moves on me, we finally had sex and she spent the night, naked in my arms, then took me out for breakfast and walked with me around the city for a while. She sort of got a little distant over the next couple weeks after that, so I asked her to call me about three weeks ago and she did within a couple of hours, even after I told her why I wanted to talk, and I basically said to her, "Look, I have a great time when I'm with you and we really connect. I'd like to date you and explore this with you, but I'm getting the sense that this isn't the right time. I'm putting the ball in your court. Get in touch with me when you're single and available and if I'm still single, we can pick this up again." She told me she really likes me and she'd totally date me, and she was trying to get out of a bad situation with this ex, but doesn't feel free to date right now. So we said our goodbyes after that, but we're still connected on LinkedIn, so she'll be reminded of me from time to time. It's been three weeks, and haven't heard anything. Obviously, I haven't said anything at all. No texts, no calls, no LinkedIn or anything else. Thoughts? I'll add that she has gotten distant before. The first time was when we first started hanging out. She asked me to call her and I did, and she told me it wasn't the right time. I said good luck, ball's in your court. She got in touch six days later on a Saturday night, but I was out of town. Then she got unresponsive over last summer while I was working out of town for a few weeks, but she had Read Receipts on her texts. I sent one after ten days of silence just to say hello, she read it, and ignored it, so I said the same thing, good luck, wish you the best. Went silent for three weeks, then she reached out, which led to a date when I got back into town and some serious making out. Things got in the way between about October and February, but there's been pretty regular contact since February, and then we saw each other a couple times in May before she started going quiet again and I told her to get in touch when she's actually single and ready to date me. Finally, she knew why I wanted to talk to her on the phone before she called me, I had told her via text. She called me right when she said she would, which I doubt she would have done had she not wanted to hear it. Also, she thanked me for being vulnerable and telling her what I wanted. It's like we can pick up after months and fall right back into our connection. Is this just a wait-out situation? Dating should not be so complicated. She clearly has something she's hanging onto with her ex. Never a good thing. I would hold off on reaching out to her. If you want to continue this merry go round, then keep doing what you're doing. She's 23. She doesn't know what the hell she wants. Don't expect much out of her until she grows up a bit.
Author JimmyB26 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) Like I said, I'm not contacting her. I have walked away, for all she knows. I will not reach out to her. I'm moving on as far as she's concerned. My question is whether I've cemented enough of a connection in her mind to have HER reach out on her own when SHE's ready. In other words, do women boomerang back to old crushes when a relationship finally is done for, look them up, and get in touch? Or is out of sight out of mind as far as men who she's attracted to but couldn't date at the time and she forgets about them and their "get in touch when you're single" offers? Edited July 1, 2014 by JimmyB26
harvej Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Yes. She will be back. Go no contact 100%. Don't answer any of her text for 24hrs. If you flinch . You lose. Expect within 2 week of NC. If more than 30 days, your healed by then and you have flushed out a bad investment before losing yourself in a mess.
Author JimmyB26 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) It's already been 3 weeks of NC. I'm not trying to rush her, man, and I don't expect her situation with her ex to end immediately or FOR ME. I wouldn't want her if she left someone else to be with me. But I do want to give her the full freedom to choose me when she wants to. More to the point, when it does end (because it will end), days, weeks, or months from now, will she be motivated to reach out to old crushes, or just find someone who she's never had something with? Keep in mind I have plenty to keep busy with and I'm lining up dates. She is on my LinkedIn, and will naturally be updated as my career will make several major advancements in the next few months (publications, job promotion, birthday) and LinkedIn does a great job of soliciting congratulations from contacts, even by email. So she will be reminded of me every so often down the road even if I'm not saying anything to her directly. Edited July 1, 2014 by JimmyB26
mirage12 Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 It's already been 3 weeks of NC. I'm not trying to rush her, man, and I don't expect her situation with her ex to end immediately or FOR ME. I wouldn't want her if she left someone else to be with me. But I do want to give her the full freedom to choose me when she wants to. More to the point, when it does end (because it will end), days, weeks, or months from now, will she be motivated to reach out to old crushes, or just find someone who she's never had something with? Keep in mind I have plenty to keep busy with and I'm lining up dates. She is on my LinkedIn, and will naturally be updated as my career will make several major advancements in the next few months (publications, job promotion, birthday) and LinkedIn does a great job of soliciting congratulations from contacts, even by email. So she will be reminded of me every so often down the road even if I'm not saying anything to her directly. Not sure what type of answer you're looking for here...but if she's interested, then sure she'll reach out if and when she's ready to. In the meantime, move on and try not to think about her.
Author JimmyB26 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Oh I'll move on and enjoy myself alright. I guess there's two ways to look at the wait: 1. She wouldn't take this long if she were really interested in me; OR 2. She knows and respects my position and before she gets in touch with a guy she likes and can move forward with she needs to really make sure that the relationship she has is dead so she can do so with no regrets. Like I said, I believe in loving a woman out of confidence so that she feels free to come and go, rather than possessing her or controlling her out of fear.
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