bbeacy Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 My bf revealed to me last year that he's married to his lesbian friend. She was having financial issues, so he said they only got married for financial gain since active duty military members get additional money. However, I feel like he had other intentions as well. He had a crush on her in high school and a short time again during the time they were married. But both dated other people during this time. They even discussed/tried to live together as roommates (so he says). He said they never dated (cause she's a lesbian), she didn't change her last name or never been intimate, but they did file their taxes together. Also, know they used to be pretty close at one time. And although, all this happened before we met, their relationship makes me uncomfortable. They haven't hung out or communicated as much since they both are in relationships. But the length of the marriage is unsettling to me. He was on active duty for 8 years, so they've been married for a long while. He didn't file for divorce right after, cause he said he got lazy! But ended up filing about 6 months before we met. However, after we've been dating for awhile, found out it was never finalized. Ended up hiring a lawyer and continued the process. It's still not 100% finalized. He only has a divorce decree. I have shared with him my concerns and (hate to admit it) gave him an ultimatum. Either he wants to keep his friendship with her or continue his relationship with me. I felt that I had no choice. I couldn't stand the fact his ex-wife would be at our wedding. He said he really wish it didn't have to result to this and regrets them getting married, but said he wants to continue our relationship. Also, said he understood this situation, but I can't make ultimatums a regular thing. Which I agreed. After making it clear to him, I do not want them communicating at all, believe he hasn't (although I have no real way to confirm). He was unsure how he should be or what he was suppose to do. Asked if he should be deleting her. I didn't want to make things obvious, so said as long as there no communication he didn't have to do anything further. Although he has probably complied with not communicating with her, I snooped a bit and found out he has been FB searching her profile. And not only her's, her gf's too. He definitely does it more often than I like, so that's where the doubt comes in. Think in the last 2 months, he has search their profiles about once a week. Is he checking up on her cause he's secretly in love with her? Does cutting his interactions with her make him want her more? Why does he check her FB so often? Didn't notice him checking up on his other friends. I want to confront him, but obviously can't without revealing my snooping. And since most people hate confrontations, he would just answer the obvious answer if I'd asked if he has romantic feelings for her. Plus, why would he give up his second choice, if he can't have his first? I can't stop thinking if he had a chance to be with her, would he choose her over me? What other signs will there be if he's secretly in love with her? The last thing I want is for him to realize he's in love with her while he's with me. Am I overacting? For those of you who want to comment on how snooping is bad, please save your time. I know snooping is horrible, but I just need to known I'm not wasting my time, get blindsided and get my heartbroken.
Author bbeacy Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 wait a second.... Your dating.him now? Yep, still currently dating him. Despite me feeling unconformable with his past, he is the sweetest and most caring man I have ever dated. Should I dump him and move on?
ASG Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Although he has probably complied with not communicating with her, I snooped a bit and found out he has been FB searching her profile. And not only her's, her gf's too. He definitely does it more often than I like, so that's where the doubt comes in. Think in the last 2 months, he has search their profiles about once a week. Is he checking up on her cause he's secretly in love with her? Does cutting his interactions with her make him want her more? Why does he check her FB so often? Didn't notice him checking up on his other friends. I want to confront him, but obviously can't without revealing my snooping. And since most people hate confrontations, he would just answer the obvious answer if I'd asked if he has romantic feelings for her. Plus, why would he give up his second choice, if he can't have his first? I can't stop thinking if he had a chance to be with her, would he choose her over me? What other signs will there be if he's secretly in love with her? The last thing I want is for him to realize he's in love with her while he's with me. Am I overacting? For those of you who want to comment on how snooping is bad, please save your time. I know snooping is horrible, but I just need to known I'm not wasting my time, get blindsided and get my heartbroken. To the bolded? Yes! How can you tell he's been checking on her profile? FB does not give that kind of information. You can't tell who you've been looking at or not, despite what some spam might tell you. So how have you reached this conclusion? And then... she isn't even an ex. She's a LESBIAN friend. In a relationship WITH A WOMAN. Why are you so worked up about it? They don't even interact that much, by your own admission, even before your ultimatum! 1
todreaminblue Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Yep, still currently dating him. Despite me feeling unconformable with his past, he is the sweetest and most caring man I have ever dated. Should I dump him and move on? he is the sweetest and most caring man I have ever dated. do you think you can deal with his past having the above which is the most caring guy you have ever dated...... 1
Author bbeacy Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 do you think you can deal with his past having the above which is the most caring guy you have ever dated...... This is what I'm trying to figure out with myself at the moment. 1
Betsy_Beth Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I do have the similar situation (additional problem I didint mention in my own post). Anyway, don't you just hate when he says "she is just a close friend and i care about her" but you feel there might be something more. This is driving me insane.
TXGuy Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 He is complying with your demands (not contacting his wife). But he is still checking his wife's Facebook page every week or so. I don't think that was against your rules. If you want to add the new rule that he shouldn't look up his wife on Facebook (or it it to once a month), you can try that. I don't think it is unreasonable for him to still care about his wife of 8 years, even if it was primarily an economic marriage. I think he has already compromised quite a bit by shutting down contact with her. 1
Author bbeacy Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 To the bolded? Yes! How can you tell he's been checking on her profile? FB does not give that kind of information. You can't tell who you've been looking at or not, despite what some spam might tell you. So how have you reached this conclusion? And then... she isn't even an ex. She's a LESBIAN friend. In a relationship WITH A WOMAN. Why are you so worked up about it? They don't even interact that much, by your own admission, even before your ultimatum! Thank you for being blunt. BTW, FB does give you that information if you search by name. So reached this conclusion directly from FB. She's a lesbian who in the past have said was open into dating guys. They have mutual friends saying she keeps he around as backup. They've even gotten into arguments about him hitting on their other mutual girl friend. A friend of theirs told me this after we met.
ASG Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Thank you for being blunt. BTW, FB does give you that information if you search by name. So reached this conclusion directly from FB. She's a lesbian who in the past have said was open into dating guys. They have mutual friends saying she keeps he around as backup. They've even gotten into arguments about him hitting on their other mutual girl friend. A friend of theirs told me this after we met. Just looked on my FB. And no, no info about how often I look at people's profiles at all. Where exactly are you seeing this info? In any case, as per your own admission, they haven't even interacted that much since you've been dating him. So clearly, they're both busy with their own relationships and not really interested in pursuing whatever fantasy of what might have been. I still think you're overreacting. And in my experience, telling people they cannot talk to X Y or Z only makes them lie to you. 1
deathandtaxes Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 If you're FB snooping, the trust is gone in this relationship. You might as well split now. You gave him an ultimatum over this? This relationship is DOOMED. It looks like they helped each other out, because iirc, military get more housing with more dependents (ie spouse) and separation pay when deployed and still get the housing. What's your beef with all this? Why wouldn't you want this lady to attend your wedding? Imo, you shouldn't even get married. You don't trust him.
FitChick Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Why would you want to be with someone who defrauded the government? 2
GH3 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Don't be insecure about your partner and his lesbian ex-wife. He chose to be with you didn't he? And he still misses his friend, since he can't communicate with her now. You should make sure that he's happy. Ask him that? "Dear, are you happy?"
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