Sex ruined our relationship

[LoverDrake]

Before I tell you the complications I am having here's a little background with my girlfriend and I. I'm 21 and shes 20. We have been dating for six months now. We both grew up and lived in the same town but we go to two different colleges that are roughly an hour and a half apart. We met over Christmas break when two mutual friends introduced us at a basketball game. Ever since then its has amazing.

 

With us going to two different colleges we would only see each other about once a week. We would go on the typical couple dates. Everything was perfect that was up until about two months ago. At that time we both went on summer break and moved back in with our parents. Which is great cause we are only about 15 minutes away from each other. Or so I thought.

 

The first week of summer break she came to my house and asked if I was always home alone. I told her yes cause my parents work and my siblings go to summer school. Some how that conversation shifted to the sex talk. She told me the reason we are going so long without having it was because she was a virgin and was scared to death of it. I told her the line of I'm not ready until you are. She smiled and we cuddled. Which led to making out. Then that led to us heading to my room where we did the deed. And this where my story of how sex is ruining our relationship starts.

 

Since that point we have been seeing each other about every other day. But we don't go on dates. She shows up, we have sex and then she leaves to hang out with her friends. This lasted about a month before I told her I wanted to do something more with her.

 

Her idea of something more? Pop in a movie and have sex while its playing. Again this lasted about a month until I said something. About four days ago She showed up at my house and tried the usual of picking out a movie. This our conversation,

 

Me-"Hey babe the movie theater in town is playing (random movie) in about an hour. Want to go see it?"

 

Her-"Not really. I don't feel good"

 

Me-"Oh. Hey why don't we go to (ice cream place in town) and pick up some ice cream. We can bring it back here and watch the movie."

 

Her-"Im not hungry. I just want to watch a movie and cuddle with you"

 

Again that led to sex. And again she left to hang out with her friends after we were done.

 

After that I had enough of it. We started fighting about it the next day. After a few days of fighting she asked to come over to my house so we could talk face to face. Nothing out of the blue about that cause usually when we fight we like to see each other to talk it out.

 

She comes to my house and we sit on the couch. She wanted me to start. I told her how I felt about what is happening. She never responded. She kept tickling me. I told her to stop and listen to me. After a while she listened. When I was done I asked her how it made her feel. She shrugged her shoulder and went to kiss me and I backed up.

 

She started crying so I started to comfort her. She started to open up with me. She claimed she likes sex a lot and felt bad she put it before me. After talking for a little bit she agreed she was going to work on it. We kissed. She got up and tried to lead me to my room. I told her that I wasn't in the mood. She got mad and asked why. I told her that I wanted to take her out that night before we do anything. She said she wasn't feeling good and left. She went to her best friends house and spent the night their.

 

That night, which was last night, I got a random text from her this is our conversation,

 

Her: "Do you even like me anymore?"

 

Me: "Yes I do. I more than like you I love you. But something has to change if you want to keep our relationship alive. Why do you ask?"

 

Her: "Sometimes you confuse me"

 

Me: "What do I do that confuses you?"

 

Three hours went by so I sent another text. This text was 10:30pm. She usually doesnt go to bed until midnight.

 

Me: "Did you get my message earlier?"

 

Her: "Yeah sorry I fell asleep"

 

Me: " At 7? Thats really early"

 

Her: "Yeah Im just tired."

 

Me: " Okay. Can we pick up where we left off?"

 

Her: "No I'm going to bed now. We can talk about it tomorrow. Night"

 

This morning we said our usual morning text. Here's our conversation after the morning text,

 

Me: "Can we talk about what I do that confuses you?"

 

Her: "No"

 

Me: "You said we could"

 

Her: "Yeah well I dont want to"

 

Me: "Why not?"

 

Her: "Cause it will be a hard conversation to talk about so we are not talking about it. Leave it be."

 

Me: "Why will it be hard?"

 

Her: "It just will be. Leave it be."

 

Me: "How about we talk about it face to face?"

 

Her: "Leave it be"

 

Me: "Okay. You don't want to talk right now so hit me up when you are ready. Bye. "

 

Her: "Yeah"

 

Four hours later

 

Her:"...."

 

That was the last text I got from her and that was about an hour ago. What do you guys think?

Edited July 1, 2014 by LoverDrake

[TXGuy]

I think you are running off the best girlfriend imaginable.

 

Now that the seal is broken, it appears she wants to make up for lost time. You can be part of it or not. You have the rest of the summer to enjoy this (or not). But I strongly suspect the relationship will not last thru next semester once the two of you are 1 1/2 hours apart.

[LoverDrake]

I think you are running off the best girlfriend imaginable.

 

Now that the seal is broken, it appears she wants to make up for lost time. You can be part of it or not. You have the rest of the summer to enjoy this (or not). But I strongly suspect the relationship will not last thru next semester once the two of you are 1 1/2 hours apart.

 

She is the best girlfriend possible. I love her to death but I feel a relationship cannot just be sex. For two months its just been this; she walks in the door, picks a movie out, we cuddle on the couch, make out, do the deed and then she leaves. Little to none talking.

 

Don't get me wrong I like the sex. In fact its the best sex I have ever had. All I want is to go to the movies with her or try out a new restaurant we have never been too and then we can make love afterwards. I just miss going on dates with her

[Diezel]

Hoooooooooooooooooooooly cow buddy, I wish I had your problem.

 

Where do I sign up for all of that?

[marcjb]

I understand where the OP is coming from. He does not want a FWB relationship, in fact it sounds like it's even less than a FWB relationship. A relationship will not last that's just based off of sex.

[d0nnivain]

Why can't you leave with her & go hang out with her friends too? Have you suggested that you will pick her up at her house?

[ExpatInItaly]

I would call her (not text) and ask her when a good time to talk is. Suggest a day. Her problem-solving skills aren't so good so you will need to be gentle but firm. Make it crystal clear that you enjoy sex with her (her ego is hurting right now, rightly or wrongly) but that you enjoy doing others things with her too. Ask her if she still interested in doing those other things.

 

If she refuses to talk about it, well...you have your answer.

[Mondmellonw]

I had the same issue as you, but the difference was that I, as the girl, wanted to go out on dates, and he, as the guy, wanted to "watch movies" on his place, this meant of course, that he wanted to get intimate.

I guess he was desperate, because I never gave in. And every time we were alone he would ask me when "that" would happen.

 

I was afraid of a bunch of things. Like you, I was afraid that he would start to only use me for sex. I was afraid of pregnancy, and actually, I was afraid of becoming the way your gf is now. lol ....So I didn't had sex with him. Eventually, the relationship turned into him just trying to get laid or into him just trying to take me out to drink alcohol. And due to other issues, I broke it off.

 

 

I don't know if my experience will help you at all.

But it seems you are a good guy and you are worried because you truly love her... So I suggest that you have a serious talk with her. You can try to find a healthier balance: this means you could still have sex but also, hang out and talk. Conversation is an important part if you want this to be a LTR.

 

 

...Good luck.

[SJC2008]

She wants more of the physical and you want more of a "relarionship". You tried, good job for doing so. Most people your age, let a lone adults, don't have the communication skills/tools that you seem to have. That being said, this type of incompatibility is pretry insurmountable IMI. Either enoy it while it's "hot" or look for a woman you're more compatible with.

[Jono85]

She wants more of the physical and you want more of a "relarionship". You tried, good job for doing so. Most people your age, let a lone adults, don't have the communication skills/tools that you seem to have. That being said, this type of incompatibility is pretry insurmountable IMI. Either enoy it while it's "hot" or look for a woman you're more compatible with.

 

although I agree, it's good OP has brought it up and demanded answers etc, i'm going to have to disagree with giving him too much praise here.

 

people with self-respect, should not let this kind of situation happen for as long as you have. for the guys saying "dream girlfriend", it's kind of silly; not everyone wants some girl who just wants to use you for sex and doesn't care a lick about you at all, and this is exactly what it sounds like. i'm shocked you guys haven't mixed it up even a little bit (ie. date out once a week or two). She's been controlling you with sex, and although you've brought it up a few times finally, she's already gotten away with quite a bit.

 

honestly, if you actually love her, i think you need to re-evaluate A. why do you even love her??? B/c she has sex and watches movies with you (only watches the movies b/c you want to btw...). is that REALLY worthy of your love?? and B. this is not going to end well imo. I've had girlfriends who only wanted sex from me, and I realized it too late. They spent lots of time talking to me, on the phone, and on dates, BUT, after really evaluating things when I was heart-broken in the end, I realized they never really took the time to get to know me really well, and it was just infatuation, not love.

 

The reason that's key is they WILL leave you at some point when their next infatuation comes along. You'll be shocked at how easy it is for them to leave you too. This girl just loves the sex, and it's very obvious. She can't even go out once with you and do non-sex things?? Not even pretend to care about anything else? Re-evaluate this girl, I think you can do better.

[Els]

The OP has stated that he needs more than just sex in a R (and he's not alone, by the way - there ARE guys who need more, even if they wouldn't bring it up in typical bro-talk). So how about we help him out instead of taking pot shots at his masculinity?

 

OP, I know you're young and text is the rage and all that - but if you really want a shot at a proper R, you have to communicate the important stuff in person if at all possible. So tell her you really need to meet up with her and it's important. If she ignores you, then you're better off cutting your losses and meeting someone who actually cares about you.

 

If she agrees to meet you, then talk to her in a calm, non-accusatory manner and explain your concerns.

Edited July 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[guest569]

It comes across as though she is just using you for sex. She also sounds very unreasonable and immature. Not sure why people call that a perfect "girlfriend".

 

Of course guys want relationships and love. Look at all the married guys around. It's not "feminine" to be in a relationship, or at least not want to be used.

[firmness]

A few thoughts:

 

1. Your hormones are affecting your thoughts and feelings. You know this to be true. Factor that into your decisions before you make them.

 

2. What I have done in the past in situations like this is to deliver the exact same behavior (I have this mantra "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you - if they do not reciprocate, do unto them as they have done unto you). So you should set up a three month plan of sex only dates. Call her up, f&^k her, and then leave in a bit of a hurry. Do this repeatedly and see what happens.

 

3. What the hell do you want at 21 years old? I remember being that age and thinking I was ready for life, but I was not. I intend no disrespect there. Older men warned me about getting married. Did I listen? No. Because I knew better. You should be playing the field my friend. You should be seeing several people - even if it is serial monogamy (NEVER cheat, by the way).

 

Good luck

[Diezel]

He's 21 and she's 20... the last thing he needs to be worried about is movie date night at the theatre.

 

This is my problem with the scenario, he is LETTING her dictate how the relationship is taking place. If you aren't cool with the scenario, change the scenario or change the players.

 

He is WAY too young to be complaining about movie date night. You know who does that... MARRIED PEOPLE. Not this guy, not at 21.

 

Hence the comments. I didn't call her the perfect girlfriend, but do you know how many men would love to be with someone who just showed up for sex? Sure, it's not the perfect arrangement but he gets to go out and do whatever else he wants.

 

The constant problem here in this relationship isn't HER, it's HIM.

 

And let's get serious... anyone who types up a thread subject called "Sex ruined our relationship"... wouldn't 9 out of 10 times you expect that to be a female? Let's get real now.

 

She obviously is in a phase where she is just using him to get her rocks off while he sits around waiting for it. He either needs to change the narrative with her and set the tone of the relationship or he needs to change the relationship. Do what is best for you, OP.

[Charlie Harper]

I ll tell you the ugly truth, because it has been the story of my life...

 

She is using you, plain and simple. You are not a 9 to 10 on a looks scale and you are not a flashy guy or one that brags, or the hey look at me macho kind of guy. You are trusty, good listener and confident sleeper. Women feel secure around you so they like to use you.

 

She loves sex with you but does want to get a big fish elsewhere, so she uses you and then hangs out and likes to be chased and to lure flashier type of guys.

This is one of the main reasons why women hang out and eventually marry jerks, stupid macho types and deadbeats...

 

Enjoy the sex, don't get emotionally attached and LEARN. Be patient because tons of women do this all the time...

[harvej]

Dude, if she likes sex that much, she chose you as her booty call. Now she leaves and is finding it from somebody else. If you want a relationship, go NC and see what happens. She is obviously not into a relationship, its about the sex. When they want it that bad, and cannot get it, they leave to go to a "friend's" and she probably gets it there. Her text appears to indicate that she wants to cover things up and perhaps she is with another dude. I agree about relationships, but she is not into you that way, she just wants sex. Disappear and see what she does. If she doesn't contact you, she found her fix. You are young and the odds of her being long term are almost zero, so perhaps you enjoy now, and cuddle later?

[littleplanet]

Impressions:

 

You set up a time to have a serious discussion with your girlfriend, a heart-to-heart talk face to face.

This doesn't work (for or with her.)

She leaves - the way she did, for the reasons she did -

and then later at her friend's, decides she wants to do this.............

by text?

 

As if that really is her comfort zone.

As if the absence of your physicial self allows her to think without distraction.

 

What you describe here is the complete opposite of the classic girl-guy thing when I was your age. Sex and then leave. It was always the guy.

 

I commend you on your determination to stand your ground, and go for something more.

You describe to me in your story what 'hookup' culture often is.

And yet you two are not casual.

Yet she's acting as if you are.

 

And strangely, it's not like she has oodles of experience with this - you are her first.

But it's as if all she's ever gathered in her ideas and attitudes of what a relationship is supposed to be, and how it's supposed to work, is from a hookup kind of mentality.

 

As if...........her real relationships are actually with the friends she goes to hang with after she's done the deed with you. A complete psychological (and perhaps emotional) separation. Which is completely disconnected from sex. Which does not bring you two closer together - but in fact, separates you even more.

 

And when you object to this - she gets hurt and feels unloved.

Because of course, she places all the meaning of that within the sex itself.

Deny her that, and you're denying her value.

Appears that she doesn't know how to consider her value in any other way?

But in particular - her value to you.

 

Could be a tough nut to crack.

But if you persist - you may be able to help her learn a valuable lesson in life.

[Elle1975]

She isn't the best girlfriend ever. She is the best f*ck buddy ever. She gets sex, she leaves - might as well call yourself a living sex toy. Obviously not what you want with her.

 

She won't change, didn't respect you enough to hear you out while you guys where talking, and then lied to you.

 

So.. I'd suggest finding someone who actually wants to spend time with you, in and out of the bedroom.

[Charlie Harper]

Or you could have sex with her and order a Pizza, so you can watch football afterwards…

 

The perfect trifecta…. by the time you are 35 you will know you destroyed something perfect.

 

No I am not kidding

[MalachiX]

She sounds spoiled and unaccountable for her actions. She's unwilling to address something with you and throws a temper tantrum when you point it out. I don't see why you'd want to waist any more time with this girl.

 

My instinct is that sex isn't the root of your problem. Someone doesn't magically start being so selfish and immature once they get laid. My guess is that she's always had these issues and they just became more prominent when the sex thing reared it's head.

 

She seems like someone who is suffering from what I'd call "spoiled girl syndrome" (phrase just coined, patent pending ). What is "spoiled girl syndrome" you ask? It's something which I've noticed more and more often in the relationships I've seen some of my friends have and I think is a result of out-dated gender roles.

 

For countless generations, our society has unfairly set double standards for men and women and usually they end up favoring the male. We let men act like studs if they are promiscuous yet shame women for the same actions. We also, as is evidenced by so many of our films and TV shows, set up women as prizes that a man has to win. Look at all the teen romantic comedies out there (let's take "Can't Hardly Wait" as an example). A dorky guy falls for the popular hot chick and spends years pinning after her. He does a number or romantic things to show much he likes her and at the end he "wins" the girl and they live happily ever after. In a film like that (and so many ones with a romantic subplot); it doesn't matter that our dorky hero and the "prize" girl don't appear to have anything in common and have never had a real conversation. It doesn't matter if they "click" or not or if she even likes him. Our society brushes this aside because men have to prove themselves and, as a reward, they will "win" the woman.

 

Another common case of out-dated gender expectations comes from the cheep romance novels that are often sold to women. In these, the female heroine is often portrayed and helpless, usually having some kind of breakdown at some point in the story and needing the man to lift her up and provide stability. Woman are weak and overly emotional in these tales, needing the man to be the mature force in the relationship. A woman's only concern in these books is realizing that she is "worthy" of this man's love; or, to put it another way, if she is worthy to be his prize. One only has to look at the Twilight series to see this in full effect.

 

I'm elaborating on this mindset because I think it's what creates "spoiled girls" who act the way your GF seems to be acting. It also creates "entitled d-bags" who think they're owed love/sex if they buy a woman dinner; but I'm sure we already know enough about that type.

 

Many women grow up with this "prize" thing stuck in their heads and are used to a general sense of powerlessness. They believe that they have to be "won" and basically expect the man to live up to all the antiquated gender expectations that have been drilled into their head (including that men favor sex over a relationship). When a man actually wants "equality" in a relationship, they get upset. In cases like this, they figure, "hey, you're a guy so you just want sex and that's what I'm giving you!!!" When one tries to talk to them as an equal partner in a relationship (as you did), they are immature and inconsistent, unwilling to justify their positions and throwing a temper tantrum when it's brought up (as she seemed to by telling you to "leave it be.") They embody the unfair stereotype of the "overly-emotional woman" which has been programmed into them by our society's outdated view of relationships.

 

There's not much point in trying to reason with a girl who has this mindset just like there's not much point in trying to reason with a man who has sexual double standards (i.e. "I won't date that woman anymore because she slept with me too fast...")

 

She needs to grow up and realize that everything that our society foisted on her is BS. She can't do that as long as you are giving her a free pass and enabling her.

 

The best thing you can do is explain your position and then let it go. Don't let her come over anymore until she's willing to address this and don't try to "meet her half way" any longer as it's clear she won't do the same for you.

 

Maybe she'll grow up and realize how unfair she has been. Sadly, it usually takes a while for people to be broken out of their destructive preconceptions (and sometimes it never happens). It's more likely that she'll simply let this relationship fade into nothing and then seek out some guy who also likes gender double standards. Someone like this:

 

He's 21 and she's 20... the last thing he needs to be worried about is movie date night at the theatre.

 

---------------------------

 

I didn't call her the perfect girlfriend, but do you know how many men would love to be with someone who just showed up for sex? Sure, it's not the perfect arrangement but he gets to go out and do whatever else he wants.

 

The constant problem here in this relationship isn't HER, it's HIM.

 

And let's get serious... anyone who types up a thread subject called "Sex ruined our relationship"... wouldn't 9 out of 10 times you expect that to be a female? Let's get real now.

 

Here we see a guy who clearly WANTS the double standards of gender roles and encourages them. Like so many men and women; he decides that gender-based double standards are more important than equality and people are weird if they don't abide by them. Comments like this continue this awful trend in society that programs men and women into looking for the wrong things in relationships and sabotaging potential happiness.

[ktya]

OP,

 

You have some serious first world problem there.

 

You bang a virgin, break the seal and she wants to come over to your house and bang you every other day?

 

Chee. Get a grip dude. Your going to need yourself out with the direction your going.