RDawg Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I'm a guy in his early 40's and I'm sharing my house with one of my closest male friends. About four months ago I started sleeping with this female friend of his. It was kinda a fwb/ rebound situation since I came out of a pretty serious relationship around 9 months ago. Now this girl is a bit over weight ok. Physically I'm not that into her but she's a great person and I have been very honest with her about not being ready for another full blown relationship just yet. Anyway so my male housemate friend has been making derogatory comments about her weight to me, saying things like "hey did you harpoon the whale again?" The other night it came up in conversation that me and this girl had sex again and he says to me "did you have to use the step ladder to get at her pussy?" Well I let the comment slide but after a day of thinking about it I decided to call him out and told him that I don't think that is a joke or an acceptable thing to say, I mean this girl is his friend, not some random person so why is he making fun of her in such a cruel way? Its disgusting to say something like that and an insult to her and to me. I was so upset I told her what our friend has been saying and now she is so angry she doesn't want to ever talk to him again. Was I wrong to tell her what nasty things he has been saying? I feel bad for not having called him on it sooner. How do I fix all of this?
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I'm a guy in his early 40's and I'm sharing my house with one of my closest male friends. About four months ago I started sleeping with this female friend of his. It was kinda a fwb/ rebound situation since I came out of a pretty serious relationship around 9 months ago. Now this girl is a bit over weight ok. Physically I'm not that into her but she's a great person and I have been very honest with her about not being ready for another full blown relationship just yet. Anyway so my male housemate friend has been making derogatory comments about her weight to me, saying things like "hey did you harpoon the whale again?" The other night it came up in conversation that me and this girl had sex again and he says to me "did you have to use the step ladder to get at her pussy?" Well I let the comment slide but after a day of thinking about it I decided to call him out and told him that I don't think that is a joke or an acceptable thing to say, I mean this girl is his friend, not some random person so why is he making fun of her in such a cruel way? Its disgusting to say something like that and an insult to her and to me. I was so upset I told her what our friend has been saying and now she is so angry she doesn't want to ever talk to him again. Was I wrong to tell her what nasty things he has been saying? I feel bad for not having called him on it sooner. How do I fix all of this? He has no respect for her as a woman and most of all too, as a friend. True and real friends don't speak crap like that! His behaviour is disgusting and you have every right to be pissed off. Yes you were wrong to tell her, you've created a big drama and really you should have just told your roommate/friend that you cannot stand his words and to shut up about your private life. telling her hurt her feelings, made her feel bad. She didn't need to know that rude and awful stuff he's said. 3
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Telling her the specifics was a bad idea. telling him off was a good idea. 4
mrs rubble Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I note you are from the Southern Hemisphere. I'm in NZ, it's common here for 'blokes' to talk about women disrespectfully. Yr mate sounds like a regular 'bloke'. I'd like to high five you for standing up to his pathetic lack of respect towards a so called friend of his! I wish there were more men like you around here. I can't stand that sort of carry on- it would be just like her telling you that yr 'bloke' mate had a tiny soft wanger or gets it on with Norm from the stores. Bet he'd hate THAT!! Your only mistake was repeating the blokey drivel to the lady, she really didn't need to hear that. 2
KathyM Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I think you definitely should have let her know that her friend is talking smack about her behind her back, but I would have suggested not going into too specific of detail, because that was probably pretty hurtful. She needs to know that this guy is not a friend, and is instead a backstabber who is trying to sabotoge her. And you should have also told your friend from the start that you don't want to hear those kinds of things, and that he's not acting like much of a friend to her.
preraph Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I don't think you were wrong. That guy needed to be told how gross and rude he is! Whether telling her or not depends on circumstances, like if he's nice to her face and she thinks he's a real friend, I wouldn't want her suffering from that delusion. On the other hand, his comments will hurt her. But no, you're not wrong. You stood up for common decency!! Your "friend" is a jerk.
todreaminblue Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I had a guy friend of my ex tell him he could do way better than me ...i was a fat bitch......he worked on him everyday concerning me, my ex treated me badly during this time......i miscarried during this time and fell pregnant again....i failed to tell my ex that this guy had tried to get with me.....i didn't want to see him fight with this so called friend.....we eventually moved away when i feel pregnant again......as i didn't want my baby bought up around vipers who were often telling him i was no good, i was fat he could do better i was trapping him when i was miscarrying he was drinking and getting stoned with them, i was alone and isolated no family around i had no support.... no friends........so i set him free releasing him from any obligation to me or his child.......he decided to come with me when i moved...........he never saw those friends again...... guys do and say things with ulterior motives and it shows more about them than your gf spiteful and callous words and actions arent what friendships should entail....i am curious however when you say you aren't attracted to her why you would stay........best wishes...deb
gaius Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Stop banging women that are other guys territory and they won't get aggravated about it.
SpiralOut Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 He sounds jealous. Are you sure that he didn't have a crush on her before you went for it?
Author RDawg Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 (edited) Stop banging women that are other guys territory and they won't get aggravated about it. His territory? She is his friend. They have never been in a relationship although he did make a pass at her many years ago and she rejected his advances. Maybe his nasty comments really are motivated by jealousy. He currently has a lovely girlfriend so I don't know why that would still bother him. I get what you're saying though. We men can be possessive over our female friends. Thank you to all of you for your comments. I certainly didn't handle this as well as I should have. I regret not having spoken up sooner and also having gone into the specifics of what he said. Although she obviously wanted to know exactly what he said and maybe she has the right to know his actual words so she can judge for herself how she would like to deal with it. What also bothers me is that he recently asked her for a substantial amount of money to put towards keeping his struggling business afloat, she duly gave it to him and maybe it is better that she knows all of this in case he tries to solicit money from her again. If he is mature enough maybe he can learn from this and try and figure out why he can be such a childish mysoginist. Edited July 2, 2014 by RDawg
Smilecharmer Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I think you did the right thing. I would want to know if one of my so called friends was talking about me like that. She deserved to know he isn't loyal if she thought he was her friend. Personally I don't need enemies if my friends act like that. He sounds jealous and like a tool, maybe get a new friend.
preraph Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Oh, well, I guess he's afraid of losing his ATM, then. He is not a very good person who would talk like that about someone who's a friend and that he will actually ask for money. I hope her finding out how he talks about her nips that in the bud because sounds like he's just taking advantage of her.
Theory816 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Not gonna lie but those are some pretty funny jokes. Your friend does sound like he is jelous because you are getting sum. Don't mind him
me85 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Your friend's a douche. You did right by calling him out. As far as telling the girl, you could have just told her he has been making snide comments about yours and hers RS or that he's had an attitude about it or something. But I would want to know if someone who was supposed to be my friend was talking about me behind my back. So you weren't wrong for telling her. Hopefully the drama won't cause you to have to move.
whichwayisup Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 What also bothers me is that he recently asked her for a substantial amount of money to put towards keeping his struggling business afloat, she duly gave it to him and maybe it is better that she knows all of this in case he tries to solicit money from her again. I hope he pays her back, with interest! This is a 'loan'. Your friend is a real a-hole. Sorry. And, she can say NO to him, she is not obligated to help him out with money. He has other friends and family to help, a girlfriend as well. WTF, seems he is using her, then cuts her up behind her back. He is not a true or honest friend to her. She has been a good friend to him, though I hope she distances herself from him and cuts him out of her life.
Leigh 87 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I think his behaviour is disgusting, making fat jokes in that manner is something high school boys do. If you are true friends it could have been a good thing to put him in his place. We all have to learn somehow, we all do things out of line occasionally and if he has a decent character he would have acknowledged that his comments are highly offensive and disrespectful and if his lovely girlfriend knew he spoke about women in this manner, she would likely not be too thrilled. When my boyfriend has laments about a larger woman or the fact the man his mother cheated on his father with is a cripple, I tell him that he outa not speak that way about disabled and overweight people. I tell him it is wrong and it turns me off him every time he makes such remarks. My bf apologised and agreed with me, he thinks I am a nice person and values my input.
Talukdar Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I think you don't taking her seriously and that is his problem. Let her to be your girlfriend or wife then he will be alright. Otherwise leave her at once and keep your long friendship more strong. Isn't it a good idea?
Recommended Posts