JimmyB26 Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) This girl and I have known each other over a year. She texted me within days of me giving her my business card. There was immediate attraction. I'm 34 and just graduated from the grad school where she was starting to go when we met. She's 23. But there was always an on-again-off-again boyfriend in the background. We've been out a few times since we met, and a month ago I invited her out, she came out after a nine-hour shift and all the way to my side of the city. We drank for three hours, had great conversation like we always do, then she came back to my place. She put the moves on me, we finally had sex and she spent the night, naked in my arms, then took me out for breakfast and walked with me around the city for a while. She sort of got a little distant over the next couple weeks after that, so I asked her to call me about three weeks ago and she did within a couple of hours, even after I told her why I wanted to talk, and I basically said to her, "Look, I have a great time when I'm with you and we really connect. I'd like to date you and explore this with you, but I'm getting the sense that this isn't the right time. I'm putting the ball in your court. Get in touch with me when you're single and available and if I'm still single, we can pick this up again." She told me she really likes me and she'd totally date me, and she was trying to get out of a bad situation with this ex, but doesn't feel free to date right now. So we said our goodbyes after that, but we're still connected on LinkedIn, so she'll be reminded of me from time to time. It's been three weeks, and haven't heard anything. Obviously, I haven't said anything at all. No texts, no calls, no LinkedIn or anything else. Thoughts? I'll add that she has gotten distant before. The first time was when we first started hanging out. She asked me to call her and I did, and she told me it wasn't the right time. I said good luck, ball's in your court. She got in touch six days later on a Saturday night, but I was out of town. Then she got unresponsive over last summer while I was working out of town for a few weeks, but she had Read Receipts on her texts. I sent one after ten days of silence just to say hello, she read it, and ignored it, so I said the same thing, good luck, wish you the best. Went silent for three weeks, then she reached out, which led to a date when I got back into town and some serious making out. Things got in the way between about October and February, but there's been pretty regular contact since February, and then we saw each other a couple times in May before she started going quiet again and I told her to get in touch when she's actually single and ready to date me. Finally, she knew why I wanted to talk to her on the phone before she called me, I had told her via text. She called me right when she said she would, which I doubt she would have done had she not wanted to hear it. Also, she thanked me for being vulnerable and telling her what I wanted. It's like we can pick up after months and fall right back into our connection. Is this just a wait-out situation? Edited July 1, 2014 by JimmyB26
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 It sounds like she falls back on you whenever things cool with her ex. She's got you on the backburner. I wouldn't wait around any more. She's not consistent in her interest. I'm sure there are plenty of other girls who would be, and don't come with a not-so-in-the-past ex. What she's doing isn't fair to you, and you shouldn't be putting up with it. 1
Author JimmyB26 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) Thanks for your input. Yeah, that's pretty much why I said what I said. I left the ball in her court, but I set my boundaries. I do really want to make it work with her, but I am moving on. I would like to add that I don't think she's doing what she's doing intentionally. She is legitimately drawn to me. But whatever pull this guy has on her is going to last for as long as it lasts, until she's finally sick and tired of it. Fact is, she rejected a marriage proposal. He stuck around. She told him that we slept together. He stuck around. This guy has no ambition, low job prospects, and he's around my age. As far as she knows, unless she reaches out to me, she's never going to hear from me again. We are connected on LinkedIn, so she will get automatic updates as my career advances (I do think that this is the key to reminding her of me every so often when life gets busy, so whether it's after her breakup with this guy or some other third guy who isn't doing it for her she'll think back). It doesn't really change my position, but my question is that as I move on, if I am the guy who she "falls back on," when this current ex drama finally ends and she's finally had enough (and it will end), will she make an end run back to me, even months down the line? Edited July 1, 2014 by JimmyB26
Daisydance Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I'm sorry but this does sound like a confidence boost every time things go sour with her on off boyfriend. I'm sure she really likes you but if you did get together it may play on your mind a but that it only happenned because her ex didn't want her. Last year I went out with a guy who knew my ex, he was concerned that I was using him to get over my which was completely wrong. He was also concerned about the age gap, I was 25 and he was 33 but if I'm honest I really do prefer men a bit older. The other thing he was bothered about was that he worked away a lot and that I wasn't happy with that. Again I Think it's more about the quality of the time together than the quantity. Anyway it didn't work out but we are still good friends and have met up a handful of times in the last year when I have been single, it's not in an obvious way but the reality is that's what happens
Diezel Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 But there was always an on-again-off-again boyfriend in the background. This was all I needed to read. ON TO THE NEXT ONE. ON TO THE NEXT ONE. ON TO THE NEXT ONE. ON TO THE NEXT ONE. ON TO THE NEXT ONE. ON TO THE NEXT ONE. And in case it didn't sink in, ON TO THE NEXT ONE... 2
Diezel Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 As far as she knows, unless she reaches out to me, she's never going to hear from me again. We are connected on LinkedIn, so she will get automatic updates as my career advances (I do think that this is the key to reminding her of me every so often when life gets busy, so whether it's after her breakup with this guy or some other third guy who isn't doing it for her she'll think back). Oh jesus Christ, I just read this. Are you kidding me? Are you 34 or 14? Just take her off of LinkedIn. I think you have her on there more for yourself than for her to look at your career advancement. Have some self-respect, delete her from your life altogether. 3
Author JimmyB26 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Look, Yes I made this thread. I admit that even asking about her on here does mean that a part of me is invested in her. However, as you say, Diezel, I have no choice to move on to the next one. You can be as insulting as you want, but I made a difficult choice to walk away from someone who I connected with on every level and who genuinely likes me because I decided I deserve more than she can currently give me. That was on me. However, NOT burning bridges is important. I wanted to leave the door open for her because from everything I've learned and everything she's communicated to me over the entire period, she's not fully invested, fully satisfied, or fully committed to this dude and it's got an expiration date on it. Walking away from a gorgeous woman, even when you do it, isn't easy. I'm sure it will get easier, but I'm at the three-week mark right now and though I'm nowhere close to contacting her, it would be nice to know that I'm on her mind and creating the space and time for her to decide what she wants on her own, whether that's me or not. All you can do in life is really state what you want and let the chips fall as they may. Right now it's not me, but someday it very well might be. All I can really do in the interim is my own thing, and like I told her, if I'm single when she gets in touch, we can explore it. I was really just asking the forum if, based on your collective experiences, I left enough of an emotional impression on her that she decides to get in touch of her own initiative when that day comes. That comfort will make it easier to move on.
Assasda Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 First of all, I dont see any insults anywhere, people can always choose to be insulted, but the door is already open. the bridges are not burned. You didnt tell her to F off. What you are doing is placing her firmly on the pedestal, and she's not even with you, its sad. You shouldnt be thinking about if youre on her mind, not should you be her psychic therapist, wondering if her current love interests are good enough for her. Date other women, Then it becomes easier, Just believe us, and save yourself grief
Author JimmyB26 Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 Okay, I obviously appreciate objective advice, which is why I began the thread. I thought that sticking around and waiting, not freely dating, just being available to her as a "friend," etc. and getting in contact with her to check in, nonsense like that - I thought that was putting her on a pedestal. I thought what I was doing was specifically knocking her off the pedestal. Isn't that the message that walking away sends? I mean as far as she knows I'm long gone and not looking back, I said my piece and haven't looked back. I have not been in touch in three weeks. And yes, for the time being I'm faking it until I make it. I'm sure that with time and distance, the fog will clear, and only after months have gone by when I really am gone and not thinking about it will she actually get in touch, but what helps in the dark days before I really get that emotional distance is the knowledge that I played my hand effectively to get that return. After time I won't have to be posting on loveshack, I'll be on to the next. But the first times you get to a point of clarity and realize you deserve more, stand up and demand it, with a take it or leave it attitude, it's still a little counterintuitive.
todreaminblue Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 Look, Yes I made this thread. I admit that even asking about her on here does mean that a part of me is invested in her. However, as you say, Diezel, I have no choice to move on to the next one. You can be as insulting as you want, but I made a difficult choice to walk away from someone who I connected with on every level and who genuinely likes me because I decided I deserve more than she can currently give me. That was on me. However, NOT burning bridges is important. I wanted to leave the door open for her because from everything I've learned and everything she's communicated to me over the entire period, she's not fully invested, fully satisfied, or fully committed to this dude and it's got an expiration date on it. Walking away from a gorgeous woman, even when you do it, isn't easy. I'm sure it will get easier, but I'm at the three-week mark right now and though I'm nowhere close to contacting her, it would be nice to know that I'm on her mind and creating the space and time for her to decide what she wants on her own, whether that's me or not. All you can do in life is really state what you want and let the chips fall as they may. Right now it's not me, but someday it very well might be. All I can really do in the interim is my own thing, and like I told her, if I'm single when she gets in touch, we can explore it. I was really just asking the forum if, based on your collective experiences, I left enough of an emotional impression on her that she decides to get in touch of her own initiative when that day comes. That comfort will make it easier to move on. you have to do what feels right fro you if you think this woman is worth waiting for by all means wait.......i find when i am vested in someone and i date others.....my heart isn't in it......doesn't solve anything and i end up calling it off with the dates i have......even though i honestly feel they are better matches more guts and honesty......for me....my heart doesnt agree..... i dont think she will have a problem contacting you again when she is ready as she has done so previously...but....in saying that i think you have to protect yourself a bit here and not let her walk on you and available every time she decides she is ready i dont think its fair on you and ultimately doesn't make her a very nice person...i do this too when i really like someone, and i do get taken advantage of, they think i dont realize this .... but i do have an intellect that discerns when people really dont care about how i feel and are out for their own gratification, wanting to mold me to their specific purposes and or ideals..... i am actually adept at feeling this out........i just give them the benefit of the doubt....due to how my heart feels.......it is your choice....ignore insults directed at you...no one deserves them and if you wait you wait....just dont let her consume your days....be good to you if she isnt..best wishes....deb
Diezel Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 Fine, I admit that sometimes I come off a little harsh, but it's to make a point and not lob a softball at you. By "leaving the door" open to her, what you are doing is leaving the door open for yourself emotionally. Why should you have to wait around for her while she tries to figure out what she wants to do with another man first? What kind of message is that sending you and how fair is that to you!? What's the point of No Contact if you are already planning what to do at First Contact? You are only setting yourself up for emotional disappointment, not only that, but you are possibly missing out on other potential relationships. If you had left enough of an emotional impression, believe me... believe me, believe me... her ex would not be a problem anymore. 1
travelbug1996 Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 If she cheated on her boyfriend with you she'll probably cheat on you with another guy. Sounds like you're beating a dead horse. She's probably incapable of being honest with anyone. I really don't have any respect for people who cheat. 1
Emilia Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 All I can really do in the interim is my own thing, and like I told her, if I'm single when she gets in touch, we can explore it. I was really just asking the forum if, based on your collective experiences, I left enough of an emotional impression on her that she decides to get in touch of her own initiative when that day comes. That comfort will make it easier to move on. What you should focus on is your pride and self-esteem. Not being at someone's beck and call. I can assure you she won't respect you for it. Most people don't respect those that jump just because they click their fingers.
Author JimmyB26 Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 How is leaving the door open at her beck and call? AT THE TIME, when I said it, sure, she might think, "Hey, all that I have to do is get in touch and he'll give me attention," or "he's not really going to stick to his word, he'll be back." You're coming at it from the perspective of a totally self-assured woman who thinks that she's got someone secretly pining for her, his face pressed against the window, waiting for her to snap her fingers so that I'll meet her at the door. On the first or second day, she might think that. But after a while, the hamster wheel starts to spin, and she will start to wonder, "Did he find somebody else? He must have, he's a real catch. Am I ever going to hear from him again?" She will have that moment. And when she comes back around, that's the frame of mind she'll be in. I may very well be with someone else at that point, and the situation will be very different. I am getting plenty of phone numbers. And as for whether or not the ex would be a problem anymore if I left enough of an emotional attachment, I don't expect anything to change dramatically in 3 weeks. But the problems with him persist, and I'd rather they be front and center right now so that she gets as disgusted as possible. I know what they are, and they're not going to go away. I, on the other hand, continue to evolve. I'm sure she'll check back in. Bottom line: I'm sure that everyone on here thinks, because it's a common rejoinder on this forum, that I'll shirk my standards and be at her beck and call when she gets in touch. But when she does, I can make myself this promise because it's really irrelevant to make it to a bunch of strangers - albeit helpful strangers, and thank you for the advice - on a forum: My terms will not change. As soon as I can find out through pleasant conversation what her status is, if she's anything less than single, I guarantee that I will go pretty cold on her, and at the very least, as I should, get visibly annoyed that she's wasting my time. Conclude the encounter by repeating the same terms I made three weeks ago and walk away again. I fully expect her to try get me to wiggle on my terms and boundaries, to test my mettle. In fact, as far as I know, she could be doing that right now. I've had women who I just met wait days to get back in touch with me, by their own admission just to see if I'd blow up their phones with follow-up texts and calls like other "men" do. When this all goes down, I will update the thread. Until then I'll just have to enjoy myself. Thank you for all of your advice. I will go into this situation with eyes wide open when it comes back around.
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