Leigh 87 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Deserve??? It depends on how you define "deserve." Do you "deserve" w/o regard to effort, hardwork, playing on a level-field, etc.? Rightfully yours??? Who defines that? How is that defined. Do you mean legally? Human history is fraught with examples of people taking and giving b/c it was "rightfully" theirs to do so and often based on laws that were created by those who meant to take with impunity and at the expense of others. You argument is subjective at best. Typical socialist. Ha ha. Love when people use the socialist card. People who use the socialist card often have weak MORAL values. They often live in a world where socialist ideas and benefits persist in their own lives but choose to ignore, that they themselves accept them. But, of course, they don't call it socialism. And your quoting my comment has no bearing on whether my views are socialist or not. I am a bit of a socialist... But umm, I get a lot given to my from my mother and yeah... it is absolutely a very kind gesture on her part, I by no means earned it. WTF. If anything it makes me more kind towards others. I have it a lot easier in life than others and therefore, my friend who is a single mother on a single income, I am generous to because I have it a lot easier than she does financially speaking. Not sure why people who inherit or are handed down money or gifts from their parents feel as though they somehow "earned it" themselves:sick: 2
lino Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Sounds like this relationship is headed South. Think of what advice you'd give to someone in a similar situation. If you indeed lived off him for 2 years then yes, you are indebted to him for that. 2 years of paying for someone is a long time. I wouldn't have accepted such an offer in that situation myself. I would've moved back home with my parents until I could once again afford to live out of home. Most blokes aren't offered such arrangements however.
Eivuwan Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 The bottom line is that if the relationship were healthy he would WANT to do those things for you (the rubs, the chores, etc) to make you happy. Those are signs of love and cannot be bought with money. I honestly think that he is saying these things because he is checking out emotionally from the relationship. 5
babycakees Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I am so sorry to hear you are having these sort of money issues. I was in a very similar situation with my most recent ex. We were together 4 years. We decided to move in together after about 2.5 years. We agreed from the very beginning that we would split rent 60/40 since he made more than I did. This worked fine for about the first 6 months and then he started to expect me to pay more. By the time a year went by I was paying 1/2 of everything and he was making way way more than I was. It was unfair and he would constantly tell me I needed to contribute even more (cook dinner, clean, do all the laundry). It eventually got to the point where we were fighting about everything. We split, I moved out and now he can have fun paying 100% of everything. I know what you are going through. Money can tear couples apart. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 OP I would suggest you get a second job to help you pay off your student loans and any other debt you have. It was nice of your bf to help you but you should pay off your bills. I think if you get a second job he will definitely know you are serious about your debt and this will help you reach your goal of being debt free much sooner. If you didn't have this bf with extra money what would you do? You have to work harder sometimes but you will be proud of yourself in the end. Glad to see someone make this point, it surprised me to see when the OP says: But for about 2 years (2011-2013), he had to help me pay my bills. I didn't make enough money to pay my full half of the rent because my money was going towards school payments, car insurance, gas, etc. No, he didn't have to help you pay your bills, you could have moved into a cheaper place or gotten a second job or anything like that. Relationships are about give and take and you should naturally want to do lovely things for your partner simply to make them happy, but personally I think $5k is an AWFUL lot of money and bound to get in the way of a relationship, especially one still at the dating stage and not a marriage. There is no 'had to help me pay bills' because you would have managed somehow if you weren't in a relationship with him, right? Gotten a second job, or taken out a loan, or anything to support yourself. Trust me, I know, I worked 70 hours per week during my two year Masters to support myself because there was no partner there to support me financially. Even if I had have had the offer I'd have turned it down because as an adult I want to support myself however hard it is. I think he's becoming unhappy with the relationship for whatever reason, and the money part is something he's fixating on at the moment. When things start to become a 'I did this for you so you owe me' then it's heading south. I'll be moving in with my boyfriend in a couple months and earning probably 25% more than him so I'll be paying a larger part of the rent but we will split the bills 50/50 and over time I would definitely lose respect for him as a man and a partner if he accepted me financing his lifestyle rather than working harder, longer hours or suggesting we get a cheaper rent. 2
Eivuwan Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Glad to see someone make this point, it surprised me to see when the OP says: No, he didn't have to help you pay your bills, you could have moved into a cheaper place or gotten a second job or anything like that. Relationships are about give and take and you should naturally want to do lovely things for your partner simply to make them happy, but personally I think $5k is an AWFUL lot of money and bound to get in the way of a relationship, especially one still at the dating stage and not a marriage. There is no 'had to help me pay bills' because you would have managed somehow if you weren't in a relationship with him, right? Gotten a second job, or taken out a loan, or anything to support yourself. Trust me, I know, I worked 70 hours per week during my two year Masters to support myself because there was no partner there to support me financially. Even if I had have had the offer I'd have turned it down because as an adult I want to support myself however hard it is. I think he's becoming unhappy with the relationship for whatever reason, and the money part is something he's fixating on at the moment. When things start to become a 'I did this for you so you owe me' then it's heading south. I'll be moving in with my boyfriend in a couple months and earning probably 25% more than him so I'll be paying a larger part of the rent but we will split the bills 50/50 and over time I would definitely lose respect for him as a man and a partner if he accepted me financing his lifestyle rather than working harder, longer hours or suggesting we get a cheaper rent. I am not sure about this. It all depends on whether you see this relationship as going for the long haul. If she were to spend the first few years of the relationship working a few jobs and going to school or whatever just to be able to pay half the bills, there will be other relationship problems because she will have no time or energy for him.
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I am not sure about this. It all depends on whether you see this relationship as going for the long haul. If she were to spend the first few years of the relationship working a few jobs and going to school or whatever just to be able to pay half the bills, there will be other relationship problems because she will have no time or energy for him. I actually did finance a partner living with me for the first six months to a year of our relationship, it was a difficult time and nobody was thinking straight probably because I was bereaved a month after we got together and he left the armed forces to be there for me... so it just naturally seemed that we had to live together, as he wanted to be there with me constantly, and he did not have a job. I never minded actually, I never begrudged it, I saw us as a permanent team so it was fine that I paid for pretty much all of the bills. However, he dumped me just before the two year mark. I wouldn't do it again. It's pessimistic but when you think it's going to last forever then yes, it's all great to share resources and everything... but once you start to see a relationship as having an expiration date, either in my case where I will never presume a relationship will go the distance again (and certainly won't act that way so soon into it) or in this OP's boyfriend's case where he's starting to check out, then you just don't want to share everything I don't think because you know it's not forever. I wouldn't do it again in a relationship where I wasn't married (then I'd see it all as 'our money' as long as we both took it in turns to contribute) nor would I do it for someone who I didn't think was pulling their weight to contribute (the boyfriend of mine was job hunting like mad every day, I saw the evidence, there just weren't any jobs). I don't think money mattered to OP's bf when he saw it lasting forever but now he sees the relationship ending for other reasons (maybe it's just ran its course or he's bored or met someone else) he's resenting the money he paid in. Also my relationship has never suffered from my crazy workload, sometimes working a 15 hour day across two jobs, you can always make time if you want to, and if you prioritise seeing your partner. Obviously this is because I'm lucky enough to live near him, long distance might vary. But especially living together I think you can work 60-70 hours in a week and still have time for one another, ya know? I'm maybe a weird rare case but I still socialise and have fun and build my relationship and volunteer along with the 40hr/week placement and the 25hr/week job. Not trying to sound like superwoman or anything, it's just the way it is. Whatever the case I think OP's boyfriend has checked out and she should brace herself. The future talk about a mortgage shouldn't be taken as a sign he's still thinking long term commitment, it should be seen as him saying a future isn't possible, because he's saying that he's concerned he'd be bankrolling it all. It irritates me a little to see people act entitled to someone else's money saying that the other person 'had to' pay their bills for such a long period of time, it kinda does sound lazy and entitled to me. 1
Eivuwan Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 It irritates me a little to see people act entitled to someone else's money saying that the other person 'had to' pay their bills for such a long period of time, it kinda does sound lazy and entitled to me. Well no one knows the OP's situation better than the OP herself.
Smilecharmer Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) OP, I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who treats me like a prostitute...you do more for me because I have money and have given it to you or bought you gifts....dump him, he is selfish and doesn't care about you like someone he loves. Find someone who is more about you and less about material stuf and money. Or, don't let him give you money or pay any of your bills because you will owe him, and owe him and the resentment will build even more between you two. He sounds like a money lender, not a bf. stop taking his money. I still think he is losing interest in you now for this to come to this. Men who love you and want a future and are mature see your education, your struggles as their own, just as women who love men see it that way. Edited July 7, 2014 by Smilecharmer 2
Els Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I don't think money mattered to OP's bf when he saw it lasting forever but now he sees the relationship ending for other reasons (maybe it's just ran its course or he's bored or met someone else) he's resenting the money he paid in. This is actually what all of us are saying - that money isn't the issue here. It was a year ago for chrissakes. Even if she'd paid exactly 50.000% of everything, he would still be resenting her for SOMEthing now (preventing him from sowing his wild oats, not being girlie enough, yadda yadda...), because that's just what people in downward spiraling relationships do. The financial aspect in itself is irrelevant at this point especially as it is well in the past.
xxmusical Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 While I don't expect a broke girl to pay me back for the things I do for her, I would kinda expect her to make it up to me in other ways. Why? Because in her position, that's what I would do. If I feel like my GF is just taking my money and her only way of showing thanks is by saying, "thanks," I'm probably going to say no thanks to a relationship with her. But...it's not like OP's not doing anything other than just saying, "thanks." She's been doing house chores, cooking, little sweet gestures of love. Are these not ways to pay him back? How should she "repay" her bf if monetary value does not count? How would you want a girl to "make it up to" you? 1
Els Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Perhaps you are right, but I doubt it. Speaking from the perspective of a man who has been in a similar position before, this isn't how I felt about it. For me, I don't mind paying for my girl, because I enjoy doing so. While I don't expect a broke girl to pay me back for the things I do for her, I would kinda expect her to make it up to me in other ways. Why? Because in her position, that's what I would do. If I feel like my GF is just taking my money and her only way of showing thanks is by saying, "thanks," I'm probably going to say no thanks to a relationship with her. If that had truly been the issue, he would have had plenty of time during the 2 years pre-2013 to voice it. Bringing it up one year after the support ends when there had been no communication about any sort of discontent before, either points to resentment stemming from a R that's dying for other reasons, or someone who's a terrible communicator. Either way the problem would lie on both sides at the very least.
Smilecharmer Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 If that had truly been the issue, he would have had plenty of time during the 2 years pre-2013 to voice it. Bringing it up one year after the support ends when there had been no communication about any sort of discontent before, either points to resentment stemming from a R that's dying for other reasons, or someone who's a terrible communicator. Either way the problem would lie on both sides at the very least. The time difference is why I think he just wants out of the relationship for another woman possibly. She needs to check to see if he is flirting at work or check to see if he has reconnected with an old gf. Seems suspicious that it is only after a period of time that he does this. She never answered me on whether her sex life or relationship was still exciting and good. 1
Els Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 That's just how many men operate. In many cases, we aren't very good about voicing our relationships concerns until we get really pissed off about it. I'm not saying that is the right way to handle things, but it's how it is. I do the same thing myself This would be an explanation if he had mentioned it at Year 2 of their two years. But if it had already stopped what is there to genuinely get 'really pissed off' about? This entire situation reminds me of a previous relationship of mine. I'm just saying how I felt at the time. I remember dropping money like crazy on this girl, and I would come home to see that she couldn't even do the dishes. That resentment didn't sink in right away, but after the honeymoon phase was over, I realized I had been financing this girl for a long time now, and felt like I was getting very little in return. Maybe I'm way off here, but I think that's how the boyfriend here feels. According to the OP, she's been doing the majority of the chores, and continues to do so even though she is also paying 50% now. I suppose it's possible that their opinions differ on how much each of them is doing, but I don't think her situation has any parallels with yours if what she says is true. At any rate she hasn't returned to clarify. I don't blame her, especially considering some of the blanket accusations that have been spewed at her.
smackie9 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 The time difference is why I think he just wants out of the relationship for another woman possibly. She needs to check to see if he is flirting at work or check to see if he has reconnected with an old gf. Seems suspicious that it is only after a period of time that he does this. She never answered me on whether her sex life or relationship was still exciting and good. How about just using proper communication with your partner instead? She's not in high school, she's an adult, and adults who have issues in their relationship should talk about it, not go on a snoop rampage.
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