Boyfriend resents me over money

[smackie9]

You should ask him why showing affection like a back rub or buying flowers is considered as a chore or is of monetary value.....see what he says to that.

[Eivuwan]

I am sorry you are going through this. This sounds similar to my old relationship in which my ex and I were together for 4 years and we broke up because he thought I should have been giving him more sex and making myself more feminine and attractive because he paid for more things than I did... It didn't matter that I was doing most of the chores and the cooking despite being a graduate student. When people start using money as their main criteria of how they contribute to the relationship, then the relationship becomes tainted imo. Money is important, but other acts of love are much more important.

[preraph]

This is an old way men have always had of controlling women and why back a few decades when women began joining the workforce rather than being their husband's slave full-time, men were very angry about it. A lot of men don't want you to have any money because money is power. Of course, it's up to you if you let him decide the terms, but it's not fair of him to think you have to do everything because he makes most of the money. That's nonsense.

 

You're the only one who can decide what to do here. But I wouldn't take money from a man unless they were supporting me because they really cared and wanted to help me rather than because they wanted to bribe my housekeeping and other services so they didn't have to. If I were you, I'd get two jobs and let him start splitting the housework, and you pay your loan off and pay more of the bills yourself.

 

I bet if you do, he won't like that either because he doesn't really miss the money but just wants to get something for it. I bet he doesn't want a woman with her own money and that there's no way he'd do half the chores. But I'd damn sure find out by trying it.

[Els]

I agree that there is something deeper than just the money issue. He is the type of person to hold in most of his emotions and suddenly let it all out at the onset of a disagreement (which, in this case, was the fact that neither of us care about doing little caring things for one another - but he thinks he doesn't have to because of the past financial help) and he'll use past things as fodder for his argument against mine. I'm still trying to work up the courage to ask him what's really bothering him. So I'll keep you guys posted about the outcome of that.

 

Please do not ever feel scared to bring up relationship issues in a calm, rational manner! Definitely talk to him about it and see if you two can get to the root of this. It may be salvageable, and it may not, but it's worth a try if you want to keep this.

 

We did, however, have a long talk last night. I expressed my frustration at not being able to pay for everything in the past and even though I am very grateful for his help, it truly sucks to "be in his debt." I already owe a huge amount to my school loan debt, so all of this stress has got me down. But! He listened to my concerns and he let me know he doesn't expect repayment. And he truly doesn't resent me. He did say one thing that surprised me because I had never thought about it. He said that he has been thinking about the future, about our buying a house together in a few years, and he's upset that I won't be able to help pay for the mortgage because I have the school loan debt (side note: he's also mad at the fact that I chose to go to an expensive school... And although I agree it was unnecessarily expensive, it was the only school with the degree I wanted to go for, and I was a young achiever who, like any other young person, didn't think about the future loan debt. Continuing my education seemed like the right thing to do. So I did it. He said he "tried to tell me".. but that I was a fool for going against his opinion and choosing this school. And now "he has to pay for my stupid schooling decision" because the school loan payments will forever hold me back from helping with future purchases.) -- Does anyone have any experience in this regard? I would love to hear from you about having to pay loan payments while your partner does not.

Especially if you are paying back your own loans and not expecting him to do so, IMO a partner who cares about you would be emotionally supportive of you making the decision you believe to be best for your career, despite the inconvenience to him.

 

There's one thing, though, that I can't get over. He still thinks that because he has given me lots of financial help, he shouldn't be expected to do little caring things like backrubs or small surprise gifts. It hurt my feelings to hear that and I don't know how to react... What are your thoughts?

My honest opinion is that he's either very calculative, or it goes back to the 'something deeper that is wrong with your R' issue. Especially given that his financial help to you was in the past.

 

My SO pays for the majority of our shared expenses, and I do the majority of our housework/paperwork. We both do little caring gestures for each other from time to time. Neither of us expresses entitlement towards the other person gussying him/herself up. We also don't try and put a direct $$ value on everything, because we know it isn't possible. So yes, not all men are this way.

Edited July 3, 2014 by Elswyth

[MalachiX]

While its been stated in the thread before ill make it blunt.

 

Money has the same value no matter how it is come by.

 

It doesn't in a relationship. Being lucky doesn't suddenly mean that you deserve more.

 

I hate to resort to using bible verses on this board but I think this one sums up my feeling pretty well.

 

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. 42 But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

 

43 Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. 44 They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

 

She's put in just as much (if not more) work into the relationship as he has. He simply has the fortune to have been born with more money. She doesn't owe him for that.

 

If i win the lottery and rake $64 million, why would that money be worth any less than the money someone makes working at minimum wage at a fast food joint?

 

Because you didn't earn it.

 

Lets say I was living with a girl and we both worked very hard at a fast food joint. We each contributed equally to our cheap/crappy apartment and did our best to split the chores around the house.

 

Then, she wins the lottery and is rich. She decides that she wants to live in a better apartment says she's willing to pay the extra amount for it because she really wants to live there. If I were to say, "OK" and move in with her, I sure as hell wouldn't want her to tell me I had to be her butler all of a sudden. I'm not working any less hard at my job and she's not working any harder at hers. Why should I have to put in more because she got lucky and won the lottery?

[Elizzie]

Ktya, it was interesting reading about your experience (the one where you ended with "Just want you to see it through a guys eyes."). I can understand where you're coming from, but I agree more with what MalachiX said. If the financial help he gave me in the past were anything other than a gift, he should have made that apparent. The whole - "He still thinks that because he has given me lots of financial help, he shouldn't be expected to do little caring things like backrubs or small surprise gifts" - thing doesn't seem fair to me because he confirmed it himself that he doesn't expect repayment.... I will say, though, that we both weren't very good at socializing. So I can chalk it up to our being teenagers at the time and it could very well have been a miscommunication.

 

My boyfriend has always been a very calculative person; he's traded in the stock market since he was 17, and almost all of his decisions are based on hard cold facts. Sometimes when we get into it, I have to bring him to my girly emotional level because I just can't make decisions like he does, and vice versa. We are both working to see things through the others' eyes. It gets frustrating at times, but we each have the patience and the love for eachother to see through the disagreement.

 

The issue of whether or not his money and my money "have the same value" is a tricky subject because people have different opinions. MalachiX also made several good points in his most recent reply (the one where you write, "Lets say I was living with a girl and we both worked very hard at a fast food joint."). I've never been the one who instigated a big ticket purchase. Things like a new bed or season tickets to Kings Dominion were his decisions, and I certainly could have lived without and didn't NEED to purchase them. In this case I just didn't have the money to pay half, so he was left paying the full amount. Things like this, in my bf's mind, are added to the "I've given you big gifts and financial help in the past, therefore I am owed." And I really don't think it's fair to me. I could have said "I can't afford that hun, maybe we should wait awhile" but it would always work out like this: at the time of purchase, I would express my sadness at not being able to split the cost with him, and he would purchase it anyway, saying "don't worry about it." If he considered it a gift (or at least he never said anything about my repaying him), why would he consider them part of the "you owe me" pile.... It just doesn't seem fair.

[DarkKnight1]

 

 

 

Because you didn't earn it.

 

 

But It Still Has The Same Value! Regardless Of How It Came By

[lollipopspot]

I'm an extension of my dad. So yes, because he dad worked for his money then I did as well. The OP's BF probably feels the same way — if you parents earned it and gave it to you then it's rightfully yours.

 

Sure, it's yours. But you didn't "work" for it. I find your sense of entitlement kind of disgusting, I think your dad really failed you in that, and I'm someone who inherited plenty too. But I recognize that I didn't "work" to get it and I'm damned lucky for it.

[Imported]

I laughed when I read this nonsense. Spoken like a spoiled, self-entitled uhum.

 

 

That might be true, I really don't know, but the money is not hers to decide how he spends it whether he worked a 9 to 5 or not.

 

OP keeps bringing it up as if she is just as entitled to the money as he is. The money was given to him by his fater, not to her. She is not part of the family. His father did not go, 'here, take this money and give it to your girlfriend'.

 

And yeah, it's probably pretty nice that he doesn't have to worry about school lones because his family paid it for him and it must suck for her to pay her bills and her lones for school.

 

Is the boyfriend supposed to pay for her ****?

 

All I am hearing is her side of the story and as pretty as she tried to paint it for herself, it still sounds like she thinks she is entitled to have him pay for her **** because he has more money.

 

 

"When they starts worrying about finances........."

 

Is probably because it was brought on by the other person in the equation and there is probably a very good reason for the concern.

[BlueIris]

I've never been the one who instigated a big ticket purchase. Things like a new bed or season tickets to Kings Dominion were his decisions, and I certainly could have lived without and didn't NEED to purchase them. In this case I just didn't have the money to pay half, so he was left paying the full amount. Things like this, in my bf's mind, are added to the "I've given you big gifts and financial help in the past, therefore I am owed." And I really don't think it's fair to me. I could have said "I can't afford that hun, maybe we should wait awhile" but it would always work out like this: at the time of purchase, I would express my sadness at not being able to split the cost with him, and he would purchase it anyway, saying "don't worry about it."

 

I'd just change expressing sadness that you can't contribute half. It's his purchase. I’ve been on both sides of this kind of economic imbalance, and it IS hard to feel pressure to contribute when the other person makes/has considerably more- and spends more. With my wealthier boyfriend, I just couldn’t afford to be with him if we were going to live his lifestyle and I was breaking my little bank to try to be “fair.” The rich boyfriend was too expensive for me to live with- ironic, huh? Alone, I never would have lived the way we lived together. He was smart and saw it and was easy to talk to about it. He chose the relationship over a balance sheet. If you talk to your boyfriend and the money or exact financial equality is more important to him than the relationship, you have your answer- you can't afford him.

[soccerrprp]

I have no problem that people inherit money that they do not deserve nor worked to obtain. The world is unfair in many respects. I have a problem with the language that such people use to make others feel low, inadequate considering they, themselves likely know little or nothing about earning an honest buck. The bf in this thread sounds selfish to me. Not b/c he has greater expectation of his gf, rather, b/c he has less for himself and then tries to make her feel guilty using a value system that he certainly doesn't abide by himself.

[Els]

The issue of whether or not his money and my money "have the same value" is a tricky subject because people have different opinions. MalachiX also made several good points in his most recent reply (the one where you write, "Lets say I was living with a girl and we both worked very hard at a fast food joint."). I've never been the one who instigated a big ticket purchase. Things like a new bed or season tickets to Kings Dominion were his decisions, and I certainly could have lived without and didn't NEED to purchase them. In this case I just didn't have the money to pay half, so he was left paying the full amount. Things like this, in my bf's mind, are added to the "I've given you big gifts and financial help in the past, therefore I am owed." And I really don't think it's fair to me. I could have said "I can't afford that hun, maybe we should wait awhile" but it would always work out like this: at the time of purchase, I would express my sadness at not being able to split the cost with him, and he would purchase it anyway, saying "don't worry about it." If he considered it a gift (or at least he never said anything about my repaying him), why would he consider them part of the "you owe me" pile.... It just doesn't seem fair.

 

You're correct, gifts are freely given. Debt should be explicitly stated. Sounds like in his case it's a gift-turned-into-debt for whatever reason, which isn't fair to you. Decent people in healthy Rs don't buy gifts for their SO and then tell them a year later: "Hey, you know that item I bought for you back in 2013? You owe me for it."

 

Are you going to talk to him about it? You know you have to, sooner or later.

[soccerrprp]

This is not, imho, about the bf feeling slighted or undervalued. It seems to me that the OP is doing a lot. The problem is that the bf does not value or appreciate what she is doing at the level that he probably should. His "gifts" no longer are gifts when he wants compensation of some kind in return. He wants more than what he's getting, however earnest, giving the gf thinks she's being...I think this has to do with values and for now, I'm not sure the bf's values are not tainted with a conditional attitude that will persist throughout any relationship he is in.

 

I dare to say that he's acting like he's buying or paying for expectations to be redeemed at some later time. Not gifts, but a sort of down payment with the expectation of services that meet his standards. May I suggest such a thing?

 

He's now asking for services of past payments rendered by bringing up what he's bought for her, what she "owes" him, etc.

Edited July 4, 2014 by soccerrprp

[kassy]

It sounds like he invests his money and has made decisions financially to live within his means and build upon the good fortune he had. Which is quite mature for his age, as many would have partied up hard and racked up debt anyway.

 

My guess would be that he feels you do not make good financial decisions. Did your studies lead to a good job? Do you have a plan to pay off your loans? When would you pay them off entirely? Do you have an emergency fund? Do you budget? Do you save? Invest? What are your future financial plans?

 

If from his perspective you have done none of these and a large debt from possibly a useless degree (not saying it is but many people do this, and this would make it worse) does he get the impression your long term financial plan is to marry him and him pay off your loans and find your retirement while you spend every penny you earn? Especially if your career plan is not that promising.

 

Maybe try an approach where you talk to him about helping you devise a budget and a plan to start doing the things listed above? Then he may feel less concerned about your financial future together. As long as you implement it.

 

From my perspective, regardless of whether your relationship works out these are things you should be doing for yourself. Maybe your conclusion is you need to earn more after looking into it, maybe then you can work out how to get a promotion. Or apply for better jobs, get a part time job or start a business on the side.

 

I don't know if your relationship will work or the real problems. But either way I think you personally need to show a little more responsibility for your past present and future financial decisions. It's not how much money you earn or have it's what you do with it.

 

Without goals and a plan you are unlikely to achieve much financial success and without it life is much harder. You don't need to be a millionaire, you just need to be moving to a secure position.

 

Sorry that wasn't much about the relationship, but I think it needed to be said

[smackie9]

lol so this debate still goes on! Has the OP returned yet with an update guys?

[PegNosePete]

You're correct, gifts are freely given. Debt should be explicitly stated. Sounds like in his case it's a gift-turned-into-debt for whatever reason, which isn't fair to you. Decent people in healthy Rs don't buy gifts for their SO and then tell them a year later: "Hey, you know that item I bought for you back in 2013? You owe me for it."

Yes, this. He freely gave the gifts, I'm sure he was quite happy to buy the bed or whatever at the time you needed somewhere to sleep. But now he is saying retrospectively that you owe him for it. That is not right.

 

If he thinks giving you his money gives him the right to have food made, sheets cleaned and dishes done then he needs to get a cleaner, a maid or a chef. Not a girlfriend.

 

He said that he has been thinking about the future, about our buying a house together in a few years, and he's upset that I won't be able to help pay for the mortgage

...

He said he "tried to tell me".. but that I was a fool for going against his opinion and choosing this school. And now "he has to pay for my stupid schooling decision"

Oh man. It doesn't sound as though this relationship is going to last long. I certainly wouldn't be spoken to like that. I would be outta there.

 

He still thinks that because he has given me lots of financial help, he shouldn't be expected to do little caring things like backrubs or small surprise gifts. It hurt my feelings to hear that and I don't know how to react... What are your thoughts?

What he "feels" about this is irrelevant. If he is not fulfilling your relationship needs, and in fact has explicitly stated that he won't, then it's time to move on.

Edited July 4, 2014 by PegNosePete

[piggyoink]

So if someone has a BMW do you say "Its full of plastic and it breaks?"

[Baller25]

"When they starts worrying about finances........."

 

Is probably because it was brought on by the other person in the equation and there is probably a very good reason for the concern.

That's a good point. It seems like the bf is better off without the gf.

 

I find your sense of entitlement kind of disgusting, I think your dad really failed you in that, and I'm someone who inherited plenty too. But I recognize that I didn't "work" to get it and I'm damned lucky for it.

Where did you get that? I know that I'm lucky especially when I see how others live. My point was that just because you inherited it doesn't make it "not count".

 

I have no problem that people inherit money that they do not deserve nor worked to obtain. The world is unfair in many respects. I have a problem with the language that such people use to make others feel low, inadequate considering they, themselves likely know little or nothing about earning an honest buck. The bf in this thread sounds selfish to me. Not b/c he has greater expectation of his gf, rather, b/c he has less for himself and then tries to make her feel guilty using a value system that he certainly doesn't abide by himself.

If you inherited it then you deserve it. To deserve something is when that something should rightfully be yours. If a guy works hard, earns money and then decides to give some of it to his offspring then that is unfair? Why, because he didn't give it to complete strangers? Typical socialist.

 

You're correct, gifts are freely given. Debt should be explicitly stated. Sounds like in his case it's a gift-turned-into-debt for whatever reason, which isn't fair to you. Decent people in healthy Rs don't buy gifts for their SO and then tell them a year later: "Hey, you know that item I bought for you back in 2013? You owe me for it."

So the bf is selfish because he is disappointed that he never received a favor in return? It's common courtesy to return favors. When a friend gives a lift into town you buy him a starbucks for his way back, if help you out a friend moving into a new home he buys you dinner after. It's called repaying favors. Am I the only one that thinks that the gf is so selfish that she doesn't even recognize where the bf is coming from?

 

Opinions mean nothing here. If something costs $1000.00 you can't tell the seller that your $800.00 should be enough since you worked for it. A thousand bucks is a thousand bucks.

 

I think some people don't fully understand the concept of money, especially when they overvalue themselves. We once had a contractor do some extension work at our office and ended causing almost $10k worth of damages. His $4k labour wasn't paid yet so we expected him to pay us compensation of $6k after the difference. He still demanded to be paid in full with no regard to the damages because we were a company with a lot of money and that $4k was a lot to him. I think this part of the ghetto mentality.

 

Yes, this. He freely gave the gifts, I'm sure he was quite happy to buy the bed or whatever at the time you needed somewhere to sleep. But now he is saying retrospectively that you owe him for it. That is not right.

Your parents raised you right, so do you think it's unfair for them to retrospectively expect favors from you when you grow up? Damn there are so many socialists on LS.

Edited July 4, 2014 by Baller25

[lollipopspot]

Where did you get that? I know that I'm lucky especially when I see how others live. My point was that just because you inherited it doesn't make it "not count".

 

Where did I say or imply it didn't "count?"

 

I just said that you didn't "work" for your inherited money. This whole "I'm an extension of my dad and he worked for it so that means I worked for it too" is silly and entitled. You were born, that's what you did.

[littleplanet]

 

We did, however, have a long talk last night. I expressed my frustration at not being able to pay for everything in the past and even though I am very grateful for his help, it truly sucks to "be in his debt." I already owe a huge amount to my school loan debt, so all of this stress has got me down. But! He listened to my concerns and he let me know he doesn't expect repayment. And he truly doesn't resent me. He did say one thing that surprised me because I had never thought about it. He said that he has been thinking about the future, about our buying a house together in a few years, and he's upset that I won't be able to help pay for the mortgage because I have the school loan debt (side note: he's also mad at the fact that I chose to go to an expensive school... And although I agree it was unnecessarily expensive, it was the only school with the degree I wanted to go for, and I was a young achiever who, like any other young person, didn't think about the future loan debt. Continuing my education seemed like the right thing to do. So I did it. He said he "tried to tell me".. but that I was a fool for going against his opinion and choosing this school. And now "he has to pay for my stupid schooling decision" because the school loan payments will forever hold me back from helping with future purchases.) -- Does anyone have any experience in this regard? I would love to hear from you about having to pay loan payments while your partner does not.

 

There's one thing, though, that I can't get over. He still thinks that because he has given me lots of financial help, he shouldn't be expected to do little caring things like backrubs or small surprise gifts. It hurt my feelings to hear that and I don't know how to react... What are your thoughts?

 

 

 

 

I work in the field. I know firsthand how much of a difference a free education can make in this day and age.

If your boyfriend was on the scene when you first signed that loan ticket, then he's had plenty of time to consider the repercussions. And obviously he formed his opinion in such a manner as to accept you - if not the decision you made. You came complete with that decision, and that reality.

 

You are in great company. There are millions of people your age in the same financial circumstances as yourself.

 

Your boyfriend however, has no personal relationship with that reality.

He knows it only through his relationship with you - and that is an entirely different matter.

And for him to use it against you now - is incredibly lowball.

 

Being saddled with your debt - you are already making a mortgage payment....on your education.

Good choice, bad choice? That was still your decision.

(Which is enough of a shytestorm to be an entirely different thread!)

But the point germane to this issue is how it affects your relationship.

 

Small acts of kindness should not be placed on a "cost-analysis" spreadsheet.

I get that he's from a money background - complete with market management knowhow, and all the rest of the attitudes that go with it.

If this leaves no margin for compassion........for what is your reality, he needs to step up. And consider strongly what a true commitment/partnership on his side really means.

 

As I said, millions of young people now struggle with this. It is no small thing.

 

Last I checked: love is not bought. (Other things certainly are!)

[Elizzie]

I wanted to point out, for those who might not have noticed, my original post named me as "Flask".... not sure why.

 

If from his perspective you have done none of these and a large debt from possibly a useless degree (not saying it is but many people do this, and this would make it worse) does he get the impression your long term financial plan is to marry him and him pay off your loans and find your retirement while you spend every penny you earn? Especially if your career plan is not that promising.

 

Kassy, I never thought of this perspective because I have/would never take advantage of him and his money. After reading this, it occurred to me that I should bring it up and make sure he knows my intentions (gently of course, so I don't seem defensive/aggressive). I do not expect him to pay for my bills. And you're absolutely right, having a financial plan is something anybody should have, regardless of being in a relationship.

 

So the bf is selfish because he is disappointed that he never received a favor in return? It's common courtesy to return favors.

 

Baller, our opinions differ in that we have different definitions of favors and gifts. IMO, a gift is a gift with no expectation of return. A favor starts as a request (like the guy who asked for a ride into town), but that was never something I did. When it came time to write the checks at the end of the month, we would sit down together with our purchase histories, invoices, etc. I would show him how much I had in my bank account, and he would say "alright, pay that amount, and I'll get the rest." I never asked. He stepped in and lovingly helped out. When we first met in 2009, he didn't have a job and I did. We planned a mini vacation together and I ended paying almost all of the costs. But I never expected repayment. In order for the vacation to work out, I needed to step up. This is what he did to help my financial situation, so it hurts to see that now he "feels owed."

 

OP keeps bringing it up as if she is just as entitled to the money as he is. The money was given to him by his father, not to her. She is not part of the family. His father did not go, 'here, take this money and give it to your girlfriend'.

 

Imported, I truly do not feel entitled to his money. I'm assuming you came to this conclusion because I feel like his past financial help should not be considered debt.. ? This goes back to my feelings of gift vs. favor.

 

But I keep teetering between our separate point of views. I can see where my bf (and others like him) are coming from, that if you help your lady financially, she should respond by doing more around the house, etc. But then I always go back to my POV, where it was a gift at the time and should still be considered a gift with no expectations of repayment. His POV just seems so immature. You can't put a dollar amount on looking pretty, cooking a good meal, doing the laundry, etc. I want to do those things so that I'm contributing to a healthy relationship, not because I "owe him." How would anyone know when (or if) I've fully "paid my debt"? I want my bf to help out around the house because it fuels a healthy partnership. I'll load the dishwasher today, and you load it tomorrow. I'll bring you breakfast in bed one day, and maybe you can bring me home a snickers bar the next time you stop for gas. Things like this should be equally reciprocated, but my bf is unfairly saying that because of the [necessary] financial help given in the past, he shouldn't be expected to do any of that. I just don't think its fair to me.

 

You're correct, gifts are freely given. Debt should be explicitly stated. Sounds like in his case it's a gift-turned-into-debt for whatever reason, which isn't fair to you. Decent people in healthy Rs don't buy gifts for their SO and then tell them a year later: "Hey, you know that item I bought for you back in 2013? You owe me for it."

 

Are you going to talk to him about it? You know you have to, sooner or later.

 

Elswyth, I will definitely bring this up with him. I agree with a few other posters, I think issue is something deeper. But we're enjoying the holiday right now, so I'll wait for a slow evening to speak to him.

 

So for now, Happy 4th guys!

[stillafool]

OP I would suggest you get a second job to help you pay off your student loans and any other debt you have. It was nice of your bf to help you but you should pay off your bills. I think if you get a second job he will definitely know you are serious about your debt and this will help you reach your goal of being debt free much sooner. If you didn't have this bf with extra money what would you do? You have to work harder sometimes but you will be proud of yourself in the end.

[soccerrprp]

If you inherited it then you deserve it. To deserve something is when that something should rightfully be yours. If a guy works hard, earns money and then decides to give some of it to his offspring then that is unfair? Why, because he didn't give it to complete strangers? Typical socialist.

 

Deserve??? It depends on how you define "deserve." Do you "deserve" w/o regard to effort, hardwork, playing on a level-field, etc.? Rightfully yours??? Who defines that? How is that defined. Do you mean legally? Human history is fraught with examples of people taking and giving b/c it was "rightfully" theirs to do so and often based on laws that were created by those who meant to take with impunity and at the expense of others. You argument is subjective at best.

 

Typical socialist. Ha ha. Love when people use the socialist card. People who use the socialist card often have weak MORAL values. They often live in a world where socialist ideas and benefits persist in their own lives but choose to ignore, that they themselves accept them. But, of course, they don't call it socialism.

 

And your quoting my comment has no bearing on whether my views are socialist or not.

[Els]

OP, good luck with your conversation with him. Things really aren't looking good to me, but if you manage to communicate with each other and straighten things out, there might be hope yet. All the best!

 

 

If you inherited it then you deserve it. To deserve something is when that something should rightfully be yours. If a guy works hard, earns money and then decides to give some of it to his offspring then that is unfair? Why, because he didn't give it to complete strangers? Typical socialist.

 

Nobody has said he should be giving it to complete strangers or that inheritance is 'wrong', but your "I am an extension of my dad so I earned it too" argument is complete bollocks. If something was given to you in exchange for nothing, you received a 'gift', you didn't earn it.

 

So the bf is selfish because he is disappointed that he never received a favor in return? It's common courtesy to return favors. When a friend gives a lift into town you buy him a starbucks for his way back, if help you out a friend moving into a new home he buys you dinner after. It's called repaying favors. Am I the only one that thinks that the gf is so selfish that she doesn't even recognize where the bf is coming from?

Did the trust fund that you received not cover a basic education in reading comprehension?

[Els]

 

But I keep teetering between our separate point of views. I can see where my bf (and others like him) are coming from, that if you help your lady financially, she should respond by doing more around the house, etc. But then I always go back to my POV, where it was a gift at the time and should still be considered a gift with no expectations of repayment. His POV just seems so immature. You can't put a dollar amount on looking pretty, cooking a good meal, doing the laundry, etc. I want to do those things so that I'm contributing to a healthy relationship, not because I "owe him." How would anyone know when (or if) I've fully "paid my debt"? I want my bf to help out around the house because it fuels a healthy partnership. I'll load the dishwasher today, and you load it tomorrow. I'll bring you breakfast in bed one day, and maybe you can bring me home a snickers bar the next time you stop for gas. Things like this should be equally reciprocated, but my bf is unfairly saying that because of the [necessary] financial help given in the past, he shouldn't be expected to do any of that. I just don't think its fair to me.

 

I've said that I don't agree with what your bf is saying, but be careful that you're not turning into him. Just as how sometimes two parties contribute different amounts financially, oftentimes they can also contribute different amounts domestically. And these contributions can vary with time and circumstances.

 

How many hours/week does he work? If he works more hours than you, AND he pays/paid more, there is no harm in you doing more of the housework IMO. I think really the main point is just helping each other out with your individual strengths as much as you are able, and caring for each other.