Boyfriend resents me over money

[Elizzie]

I could use some advice here, as this is my first relationship and I'm not really sure what to do or whether its fixable.

 

Recently, my bf and I got into a heated conversation about how things aren't even. The convo started because I was getting worried after noticing that for the past month or two, it seems like we don't care about doing nice things for one another (like giving a backrub, completing one of their chores - basically just going out of the way to do something for them so the other can enjoy some peace). It seems we've both turned into selfish people who have stopped trying because it seems like our nice deeds go unnoticed and aren't reciprocated... We both think this.

 

I'm 24, he's 25. We've been together for 5+ years and most of them we have lived together. He has always had more money than me, his schooling was paid for, and he was raised in a family with a lot more money than mine. We've each had jobs to support ourselves (and when he didn't have a job, he used his savings which was a huge chunk of money from his parents). But for about 2 years (2011-2013), he had to help me pay my bills. I didn't make enough money to pay my full half of the rent because my money was going towards school payments, car insurance, gas, etc. He never had any bills (parents pay for everything), except for gas and a small cellphone bill, so he offered to pay what was needed because he knew my poor circumstance. I've always been one to try to pay for half of whatever we get, whether its eating out, groceries, bills. I always try to pay half. But he gets stuck with buying the big ticket items, like a new bed, used car ($1,000), season tickets to Kings Dominion, etc.

 

Fast forward to now. He brought up last night that he feels I should do more for him (and that he's owed), because he's given me all of that money in the past. I think everything that he's given me adds up to $5,000 but he says its way more than that. We needed that car I mentioned above, though he says it was all for me. He brought up that I never cook any meals, and when I do, he's there to help me with the prep and does the dishes. I'm frustrated because money is such a huge thing to him. He feels like I should do more, than I'm not as "girly" as he'd like me to be, and that he shouldn't have to do small caring things because of everything he's given me. But he doesn't see how MUCH cooking I do, and he overestimates how much help he gives me in the kitchen. I do the laundry, and everything else is split down the middle. Since 2013, I've paid my half for every single thing.

 

If I could just give him a chunk of money, he would have no reason to feel the way he does. All of the money he's ever had, has been given to him for free. And on top of that, he has offered to help me pay rent because he had a lot more money than me. HE offered. So for those reasons I am extremely frustrated and depressed because he resents me so hard right now. I'm the most easy going gf I can possibly be. I dont nag at all, and I certainly don't ask for money. I have a high work ethic, and I politely ask for help around the house when I need it, otherwise I do things on my own. We're both pretty mild mannered people who never really get into arguments. But this money thing has got us both into a bad circle of resentment. I don't know what to do, except to pay him back? Any insight would be greatly appreciated

[d0nnivain]

Money makes people crazy.

 

 

Perhaps you could get a cheaper place to live or start splitting the bills based on income. For example if he makes $50K per year while you make $25k, bills should be split 2/3 - 1/3 not 50/50.

 

 

After 5 years together if he's not willing to buy the more expensive items for you -- many of which benefit him like the tickets & the mattress -- you may not have a future together.

 

 

When I lived with somebody we split the rent utilities but never made any joint purchases. If somebody bought something "big" for the house -- furniture, a cool TV, new lap top, the item always belonged to that one but the other was allowed to use it. When we split my stuff came with me; his stuff stayed.

[carhill]

IME, when accounting begins, the relationship is heading to splitsville.

 

The lesson, IME, is to establish personal boundaries of giving without expectation early and remain consistent in communicating those boundaries. Along with that, establish healthy limits for giving the benefit of the doubt.

 

IMO, it's impossible to give a 'punch-list' of line-items in this regard because each person and each relationship is different. TBH, having such feelings at your ages after spending most of your young adulthood living together is pretty normal. I don't think there's a magical 'fix', rather just grinding through it and either finding healthy compromise and understanding and staying together, or splitting up and moving on. The details are up to the two of you. It's your relationship.

[Diezel]

Get out get out get out get out get out.

 

If he is seeing dollar signs when it comes to the relationship, that is a BAD sign. He's telling you all the things he is wishing you could be... he might as well be wishing for another person.

 

Why don't you do each other the favor of giving him what he wants. He clearly thinks you are in his "debt".

 

The day will come where he will give you a list like this:

 

Hug - $1

Kiss - $5

Blowjob - $20

Sex - $50

 

If not, he'll have that mentally. It is basically what he is saying right now.

[smackie9]

This has nothing to do with money....it wasn't problem with him before right? this isn't the issue it is a symptom of something deeper. He is becoming unsatisfied in your relationship. I think you need to come forward with this and ask him for the truth. Ask him is he unhappy, does he feel there is no future, etc. May as well deal with this now instead of dragging this on.

[Baller25]

All of the money he's ever had, has been given to him for free. And on top of that, he has offered to help me pay rent because he had a lot more money than me. HE offered. So for those reasons I am extremely frustrated and depressed because he resents me so hard right now.

 

Doesn't matter if it was given to him, it still is his. Most of my money is also from my dad and I am an extension of my dad, so therefore I have also worked for my money even though not directly. Life isn't fair, there is always someone that is luckier or worse off than yourself. His dollar is worth just as much as your hard-earned dollar, isn't not like it doesn't count because he didn't actually work for it.

 

He might have offered, but you accepted. Whether you accept a pre-approved credit card in the mail or if you applied for one at the bank, you still have to pay it back. Didn't your parents tell you to always return favours and nice gestures?

 

He resents you because he feels like he deserves more in return. Perhaps it's unfair and immature, but that is the situation. If I were you I would tell him that you really appreciate the help but that him hanging on to it is ruining your relationship, that you feel uncomfortably in debt to him because of this and that you can only pay him back in favours because you just don't have the money.

 

I behaved similarly with my gf when I was 21, and all I can say is that these things unfortunately hardly ever work out. He shouldn't have ever offered monetary help and you shouldn't have ever accept it without expecting to return the favour.

 

Perhaps you could get a cheaper place to live or start splitting the bills based on income. For example if he makes $50K per year while you make $25k, bills should be split 2/3 - 1/3 not 50/50.

 

After 5 years together if he's not willing to buy the more expensive items for you -- many of which benefit him like the tickets & the mattress -- you may not have a future together.

 

The income-based solution is just terrible oprah rachel ray BS. Unless your getting very serious (i.e. months away from getting married) nobody should ever have to subsidise the others bills. The higher earner will always feel (as he/she should be) that they are getting taken advantage of because of their higher income. The income-related solution is just a quick fix for the modern day problem of living while unmarried, of which creates another problem. What happens if one earns $150k and the other $25k? Does the lower earner essentially live rent free? However, I do agree that because he makes more he should pay for non-home related luxuries.

 

If he is seeing dollar signs when it comes to the relationship, that is a BAD sign. He's telling you all the things he is wishing you could be... he might as well be wishing for another person.

 

Why don't you do each other the favor of giving him what he wants. He clearly thinks you are in his "debt".

 

The day will come where he will give you a list like this:

 

Hug - $1

Kiss - $5

Blowjob - $20

Sex - $50

 

If not, he'll have that mentally. It is basically what he is saying right now.

The money discussion comes up in every relationship. Better to have it earlier than when it's too late (e.g. when you find out that your wife has $30k of CC debts from before you were married). He clearly loves her, he's not going to put a monetary value on sexual activities, don't be silly.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Baller25

[soccerrprp]

Doesn't matter if it was given to him, it still is his. Most of my money is also from my dad and I am an extension of my dad, so therefore I have also worked for my money even though not directly.

 

I laughed when I read this nonsense. Spoken like a spoiled, self-entitled uhum.

[Elle1975]

I laughed when I read this nonsense. Spoken like a spoiled, self-entitled uhum.

Same here.

 

To answer your post OP, you two should be like family after 5 years, but he's not acting like you are. I agree with the other poster; there's something deeper than that.

[FitChick]

I think the relationship has come to a natural end. It's become a comfortable habit. You grew up together and now he wants to be free to experience life, as should you. He wants to party and have fun, like a normal single guy.

 

Start looking for a place with female roommates and then you should start dating again yourself.

[smackie9]

About the money......from a legal stand point if there was never an agreement or written contract saying that it was a loan, it is then considered as a gift. Any judge will tell you that.

 

So she is not obligated at all to pay any of it back and the OPs BF knows this. So now he is running her into the ground hoping it will guilt her bad enough to quickly get most of it back probably before he dumps her.

That's what my spidie senses are telling me anyways...

[gaius]

If he's putting in more money, then you probably should be doing more around the house. It doesn't really matter if someone offers, you still have to give something back or it can build resentment. Nothing in life is free. Accepting a favor is accepting a debt.

[smackie9]

He never had to offer either.

[smackie9]

That would be like me demanding my husband to pay for everything because I do all the shopping, cooking, paying bills, house cleaning and I work a full time job to boot.

[JungleLover]

Doesn't matter if it was given to him, it still is his. Most of my money is also from my dad and I am an extension of my dad, so therefore I have also worked for my money even though not directly. Life isn't fair, there is always someone that is luckier or worse off than yourself. His dollar is worth just as much as your hard-earned dollar, isn't not like it doesn't count because he didn't actually work for it.

 

He might have offered, but you accepted. Whether you accept a pre-approved credit card in the mail or if you applied for one at the bank, you still have to pay it back. Didn't your parents tell you to always return favours and nice gestures?

 

He resents you because he feels like he deserves more in return. Perhaps it's unfair and immature, but that is the situation. If I were you I would tell him that you really appreciate the help but that him hanging on to it is ruining your relationship, that you feel uncomfortably in debt to him because of this and that you can only pay him back in favours because you just don't have the money.

 

I behaved similarly with my gf when I was 21, and all I can say is that these things unfortunately hardly ever work out. He shouldn't have ever offered monetary help and you shouldn't have ever accept it without expecting to return the favour.

 

 

 

The income-based solution is just terrible oprah rachel ray BS. Unless your getting very serious (i.e. months away from getting married) nobody should ever have to subsidise the others bills. The higher earner will always feel (as he/she should be) that they are getting taken advantage of because of their higher income. The income-related solution is just a quick fix for the modern day problem of living while unmarried, of which creates another problem. What happens if one earns $150k and the other $25k? Does the lower earner essentially live rent free? However, I do agree that because he makes more he should pay for non-home related luxuries.

 

 

The money discussion comes up in every relationship. Better to have it earlier than when it's too late (e.g. when you find out that your wife has $30k of CC debts from before you were married). He clearly loves her, he's not going to put a monetary value on sexual activities, don't be silly.

 

Now, this guy may seem like an ***hole but he makes some good points here. I think he is just speaking frankly with no sugar coat.

 

Old money, new money...it's all the same and this is coming from a man who was born into poverty. I agree with a lot of what was said here.

 

With that said, your BF obviously cares about you and inevitably, all relationships comes to a point where money becomes an issue. It breaks many relationships. Don't let it break yours because it sounds like you two otherwise have a good thing going.

 

I think he should bludgeon you across the head with all of the nice things he has done for you and maybe you should do things more often for him to show your appreciation. If I were you, I would say exactly that. He did those things because he cares for you and that is what loving and caring for someone is all about.

 

He doesn't feel very appreciated for all he has done for you financially. You can be a very sweet person that doesn't do any harm to anyone but I think he just want to feel more appreciated for it.

 

Let me make this clear: you have done nothing specifically wrong. I think his reaction was simply a symptom of a bigger issue. I think you may have gotten used to being looked out for and maybe got a little comfortable with the setup. Maybe you showed so much appreciation for all what he does for you 4 years ago and now he misses it.

 

You can get pass this. I would take the high road in this situation and stir things back to calmer waters. Just take on that responsibility.

[lollipopspot]

Doesn't matter if it was given to him, it still is his. Most of my money is also from my dad and I am an extension of my dad, so therefore I have also worked for my money even though not directly.

 

So your definition of "work" is "be born?"

[smackie9]

You guys are missing it here....she doesn't feel entitled to the money, her point is that he has always has money at his finger tips, and never had to go without or struggle financially. He doesn't know what it's like to be broke. She isn't holding out her hand draining his wallet buying shoes and handbags.

 

 

If money is the issue, why doesn't he just talk to her about paying it back monthly with an agreed amount instead of being a douche about it.

 

 

 

IMO OP should just tell him the chores still stand and stick it in his face that she will start paying him back so she doesn't have to OWE HIM.

[Els]

OP, sorry you're going through this - and I hope that you will read this through the deluge of flames that are likely to come your way later on (as is the case with most $$-related threads).

 

This is why it's so difficult to be in a LTR with someone who's calculative and needs everything to be 50.000000000%. The fact is that it's impossible to maintain a happy R while keeping accounts of all that, and most things that people do in Rs are intangible in terms of $$ worth. Especially with household chores, lots of people think they do 50% when in the other person's view they are actually only doing 20%. It's easier when both people are more easygoing.

 

I also agree completely with smackie:

 

This has nothing to do with money....it wasn't problem with him before right? this isn't the issue it is a symptom of something deeper. He is becoming unsatisfied in your relationship. I think you need to come forward with this and ask him for the truth. Ask him is he unhappy, does he feel there is no future, etc. May as well deal with this now instead of dragging this on.

 

I don't think the money is the main issue here, especially as his support for you ended in 2013... It seems to me like he's just unhappy with the relationship, which is leading to him resenting the things that he has done for it in the past. However the core issue is not always easy to elicit (and he may not realize what it is himself).

[Assasda]

OP I think youre man, is not a mature man.

I think he maybe going through something that he's insecure about.

 

He seems childish and petty. And I think when he gets like that, you change your behavior and you become less loving and caring towards him.

At any rate, I think he is the one with the problem.

 

You cannot help him change his childish ways, but, you should definately try to get more independent in your financial and personal life, so that if you need to leave you can

[Emilia]

I agree with those that see a deeper issue. I was thinking this OP all along reading your original post and then saw the comment about your not being a 'girlie girl'. He is losing attraction, he is picking fights, he wants out. From experience, this is how it starts when a relationship starts unravelling. You start losing respect for each other, resentment sets in, nitpicking, etc.

[Smilecharmer]

Might want to check to see if he is with someone else on the side. He wants out and this is what he has come up with to get you to go.

[Baller25]

So your definition of "work" is "be born?"

I'm an extension of my dad. So yes, because he dad worked for his money then I did as well. The OP's BF probably feels the same way — if you parents earned it and gave it to you then it's rightfully yours.

 

You guys are missing it here....she doesn't feel entitled to the money, her point is that he has always has money at his finger tips, and never had to go without or struggle financially. He doesn't know what it's like to be broke. She isn't holding out her hand draining his wallet buying shoes and handbags.

 

If money is the issue, why doesn't he just talk to her about paying it back monthly with an agreed amount instead of being a douche about it.

 

IMO OP should just tell him the chores still stand and stick it in his face that she will start paying him back so she doesn't have to OWE HIM.

 

Exactly. She's not only jealous but also feels that because he didn't work for his money that it doesn't count. I have been in that situation many times!!!!! were the girl says that it "doesn't count" like my money is worthless or something.

 

Trust me, he doesn't want the money back and it isn't specifically about the money. It's about how he did you favours but you never did any favours in return because you didn't recognise that what he did was a favour even though it wasn't hard-earned.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Baller25

[Elizzie]

Thank you all for your input and opinions. It helps to read both sides from someone who has been in my shoes and someone who has been in his.

 

I agree that there is something deeper than just the money issue. He is the type of person to hold in most of his emotions and suddenly let it all out at the onset of a disagreement (which, in this case, was the fact that neither of us care about doing little caring things for one another - but he thinks he doesn't have to because of the past financial help) and he'll use past things as fodder for his argument against mine. I'm still trying to work up the courage to ask him what's really bothering him. So I'll keep you guys posted about the outcome of that.

 

It's difficult, just like Elswyth said, to determine exactly how much intangible things are worth, like household chores and cooking. My bf thinks things are 50/50, but of course I think his percentage is much lower. This issue will never be resolved, but I'm a patient person and am really trying not to harbor resentment. We've always enjoyed splitting bills down the middle because it makes things easier for us - it goes back to that resentment thing. "I paid for half, therefore, I get half." And that suites us both.

 

I do want to try to do more, so that he sees my willingness to please him. I'm not giving up on this relationship and I want him to see it (we both have a history of depression (him much more so than me) and sometimes he just doesn't have the emotional energy to pursue. I truly am grateful for the financial help in the past, but I still think we each deserve the others' caring gestures.

 

We did, however, have a long talk last night. I expressed my frustration at not being able to pay for everything in the past and even though I am very grateful for his help, it truly sucks to "be in his debt." I already owe a huge amount to my school loan debt, so all of this stress has got me down. But! He listened to my concerns and he let me know he doesn't expect repayment. And he truly doesn't resent me. He did say one thing that surprised me because I had never thought about it. He said that he has been thinking about the future, about our buying a house together in a few years, and he's upset that I won't be able to help pay for the mortgage because I have the school loan debt (side note: he's also mad at the fact that I chose to go to an expensive school... And although I agree it was unnecessarily expensive, it was the only school with the degree I wanted to go for, and I was a young achiever who, like any other young person, didn't think about the future loan debt. Continuing my education seemed like the right thing to do. So I did it. He said he "tried to tell me".. but that I was a fool for going against his opinion and choosing this school. And now "he has to pay for my stupid schooling decision" because the school loan payments will forever hold me back from helping with future purchases.) -- Does anyone have any experience in this regard? I would love to hear from you about having to pay loan payments while your partner does not.

 

There's one thing, though, that I can't get over. He still thinks that because he has given me lots of financial help, he shouldn't be expected to do little caring things like backrubs or small surprise gifts. It hurt my feelings to hear that and I don't know how to react... What are your thoughts?

Edited July 2, 2014 by Elizzie

[ktya]

OP,

 

Ive had girlfriends in your situation before. They made less than me, needed help, tried to do what they could and all the big ticket stuff was on me.

 

I dont know him but heres what you need to choose. Do you want to be a kept woman or do you want to cover your own expenses?

 

If its the latter then you need to increase your income, stop relying on his money and find ways to pay him back, either in cash or with expensive gifts and keep track of how much you owe, and regard it as a debt.

 

If you want to be a kept woman (and theres nothing wrong with that) then you need to act like one. That means fixing yourself up nice each morning, looking after domestic duties like cooking and cleaning (even if that means that sometimes you ask him to do things), offering to bring him a drink after work, and the like.

 

His resentment is probably that he feels like hes paying the price of a kept woman but not getting the benefits. He seems to have no problem with the price as as you mentioned he offered to pay you didnt ask.

 

Without getting into too many details and hijacking your thread, my ex costed me around $900 a month, plus big ticket items. She didnt clean, didnt cook, didnt work, didnt schedule activities for her kid, and basically loafed around in pyjamas on the couch all day playing on some electronic device. The house looked terrible, she looked terrible (were talking hadnt shaved her legs in a month at times) and resentment? Boy did i ever have it. It was enough to make me do a cost benefit analysis of how many escorts i could hire on a monthly basis for what she was costing me - all the action and none of the nagging and bitching.

 

I doubt your that bad. Just want you to see it through a guys eyes.

[MalachiX]

Here is the problem with this guy's attitude:

 

One aspect of a relationship is that two people realize they are in DIFFERENT situations and help each other when they can. She's at a financial disadvantage because she came from a less affluent family. She's worked just as hard as he has and put in just as much into the relationship. Because she was in a situation that was out of her control (being born with less money); he offered to help so they could both have a higher standard of living (which benefits him as well as her). If he expected something in return for this, he should have made it clear or looked for someone else. He could have told her, "hey, I want to help you out now but there may come a point where I need you to help me out in other ways." But it doesn't seem like he did this. It seems like he feels that he is "owed" something for dating/helping someone who has a lot less than he does.

 

If the OP suddenly found herself in a job where she was making way more than he was but blowing it all on shoes and refusing to take a larger portion of the financial responsabilities, then I'd understand his frustration. But she's not. She's still working just as hard if not harder than he is and giving all she can to the relationship. The only difference is that he had the luck to be born with more money and she did, and thus didn't have to experience a financial handicap. Him feeling "owed" for that is simply unfair. It's like if one were to start dating someone with a physical handicap (like being confined to a wheel hair); and felt like the other person "owed" them more housework because they couldn't drive them anywhere.

 

If he has a problem with things then he should only date someone who is as financially set as he is.

[ktya]

While its been stated in the thread before ill make it blunt.

 

Money has the same value no matter how it is come by.

 

If i win the lottery and rake $64 million, why would that money be worth any less than the money someone makes working at minimum wage at a fast food joint?

 

I have dealt with this with one of my exes. Grrr.

 

I worked from home, went into the office late and came home early and she put in full shifts paid by the hour. Shed ask me to borrow money and when payback time came and went and id ask about it she would say crap like i work so much harder for my money and you just sit around.

 

OP isnt as bad as that but leaning in that direction.