Jessicalo Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 It's been 3 months NC. He has moved in with the girl he cheated on me with. He has lead me on since the breakup 1 year ago, saying how much he wanted to start over with me and how much he misses and loves me. All total crap, apparently. Still, I can't stop thinking of him and of them and their budding relationship. It sneaks up on me all of the time it feels like. How long do these thoughts last, or will they ever go away? We were together for 5 years, and I know how long of a time that is, but I feel like I have been holding on to the thought of 'them' for too long.
Zahara Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 It's going to take awhile. My ex cheated on me too and it was hard for me to stay away from those thoughts of them having a happy life. Three months isn't very long into the healing process. It took me about 6 months to feel some relief where I wasn't thinking about him so much anymore. Over a year until I could see him without flinching. I knew I was over it when I did see him with the woman and I didn't feel a thing. That was about 1.5 years into it. But everyone is different in how they go through their journey. As I said, three months is not a long time and you did have a long relationship with him. The good thing is compare Day 1 and Day 90. See the difference in your emotions? Imagine adding another 90 days to your journey so far and on and on...you're going to feel so much better. Just takes awhile to get there, but you will.
Mistercash Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I feel the same way. Me and my ex broke up 6 weeks ago. I have not seen her since as she moved back to her hometown which is 4 hours away. She had someone else lined up before our breakup. Its been 3 weeks NC but she called me yesterday afternoon and I did not answer or return her call. I still think about her nonstop.
OwMyEyeball Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 There's no timeline for moving on, but there are ways to[*]Delete/block all contact info and social media links increase the pace. No Contact is a great start. That should extend to include minimizing reminders [*]Remove or delete any objects, photos, digital files that create strong feelings [*]Change the layout and decoration of your home, especially the bedroom; invest in brand new bedding if you can [*]Switch up your daily routine and commute [*]Avoid places you would both frequent; try out some new one (obviously much easier in some regions than others) All of those help to decrease the frequency within which he'll enter your mind. But he'll still be getting in there. It's from that point that you need to make the conscious decision to stop focusing on your thoughts (awareness / meditation / distraction) and begin to redirect them. Look up Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I had been doing CBT for other issues in my life, but have found that the techniques learned there apply to all aspects of life, including the mending of a broken heart. Best wishes.
ktya Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 My ex fiancee I was with for 9 years cheated on me, I forgave her and then when I caught her at it again she up and left. Did the same 1 year thing, whenever I was seeing someone she would be at me like white on rice reminicscing about how good the old times were, when I was single she would vanish. Refused to say we were "broken up" could correct me and say "we're not broken up, we're separated". At around the 1 year point I forced the conversation ie. lets have a talk about whether we are ever going to get back together, I had just broken up with a girl and she had just broken up with some dude she was seeing. I sent her a long thoughtful email explaining I didnt expect things to go either way just after a year its maybe time to have a conversation. She called me late on a Friday and I had a friend over. I asked her when a good time to call back and resume the conversation was, she told me 12N the next day. I called her at exactly 12. She screened my call, sent me an email at 12:02PM saying she was with a wonderful guy named Martin and I should meet him. I was furious. Absolutely done with that girl forever, she probably met the guy the night before. You will never really get over this kind of situation from my own experience. It will drive your new partners a bit insane because you'll talk about it more than you realize, even when trying not to. While I understand the new partner thing, for you that's 6 years of your life, for me it was 9 years of my life. You can't just erase that sort of time from memory. And when they cheat on you then lead you on after breaking up with you your mind has way too much time to overthink everything so it kind of burns the pain into your brain circuits. Best medicine is to get out and date but be careful of rebounding into another relationship. Keep it casual for a while.
Author Jessicalo Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 So the breakup was one year ago. He lead me on for so long afterwards. I haven't talked to him in 3 months now. He is now 'facebook official' and living with the girl he cheated on me with. Just like that. So many lies about wanting me back. So here I am now one year later and it still sucks. I am much happier but I'm at a loss. I'm working for his family, and now I can't get his blooming relationship out of my mind. I have tried dating and every single guy I meet is such a drag. I feel like after all the hell I have been through I deserve a happy story now. Not him. Jealousy is eating me alive, and I'm not sure where to go now. I suppose this post is just me venting. I know all the obvious answers. I still feel lost.
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 You need to get a new job. Shake up your life so it's not focused on him. Get a new hobby. Redecorate your living space. Change your hair. Do things that completely remove him from your life.
Author Jessicalo Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 You need to get a new job. Shake up your life so it's not focused on him. Exactly this. I'm so torn, it's the best job I have ever had. Most money I have ever made. I thought I could live with working for his family but it seems to be holding me back. I'm just such a big part of the business now I feel like I would let them down by leaving, and I feel like I would be letting go of awesome growth potential in my job. Today is hard, I'm not sure what I want!
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 It's a family business. They won't care that you leave as long as you do it professionally. Don't jump until you get another job with comparable income. 1
Author Jessicalo Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 It's a family business. They won't care that you leave as long as you do it professionally. Don't jump until you get another job with comparable income. I don't believe this is true. They will understand my reasons for leaving but it will be a major change. I was the first employee they ever had and I pull a ton of weight for them and they know that. It comes down to losing the best job I ever had, and that really sucks on top of it all. Especially sucks because it is all tied in to him. I'll work it out, some days are just for wallowing I suppose. Also, it will be hard to find a job with comparable pay in this industry.
sugarlove Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) Just a personal story of mine. My best friend was dumped by her ex of 8 years. During the relationship, they both set up their own company together and were still partners when she was unceremoniously dumped when she arrived to work on a Monday. She has to watch her ex's new girlfriend visits to the office and watched him talking to her over the phone and laughing. She didn't want to leave because she felt she put in just as much work into the company as he did and she has the right to stay. But she didn't know that it's nothing to do with pride though. Seeing his relationship blossom in front of her was holding her back, it's been 4 years and she's still not moving on. She knows all about his updates and most importantly, she is reminded everyday that he no longer loves her. This weekend, she was invited to his wedding. I can only imagine how hurt she must have felt. But she decided to go due to clients being there as well. I don't understand the things she is putting herself through.. all I know that deciding to stay in the company, with him by her side but yet not by her side is causing her a lot of pain. She couldn't forget him so she didn't really move on. Somehow knowing she never left might have speeded the process for her ex to find someone else because she will always be there no matter what. So in the end, it's up to you though. I'll advise to find a job that is on par or at least with the potential for growth. No one says a fresh start will be easy but it might be just the thing for you to really move on. Edited July 1, 2014 by sugarlove
Author Jessicalo Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 So in the end, it's up to you though. I'll advise to find a job that is on par or at least with the potential for growth. No one says a fresh start will be easy but it might be just the thing for you to really move on. A fresh start is a nice thought. Also a very scary one. I just know that working for his family will only end in him resenting me for making his new relationship hard. His family doesn't like already because of circumstances, but I feel like my presence only makes it worse. One day he would like to bring her around to them I imagine and if I am always in the picture they will always have a tainted view of her. So that kind of sucks. It sucks that I care even though she slept with my boyfriend of 5 years. I just want him to be happy, and I'm hindering that I feel. Which is also hindering my happiness because they are constantly on my mind. It's hard to start over, again
sugarlove Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) Love, it's not hard. Nothing is impossible and really, nothing IS impossible. And I'm not just saying it though, I've been through some tough times as well but starting over is really possible. Most importantly, do not make your present job your whole life. What's scarier is not moving on, in my opinion. I really want happiness for you as I can see it's causing you heartache. Right now, instead of dwelling on this, perhaps start taking actions and start looking at job ads. See what's out there, see if there's other industries you can go into, I think you'll be encouraged if you are open to opportunities. Take time to research. Breakup or not, the sensible thing is to make sure you have secured a job before handing in your resignation. Do not worry about what others think now, it does you no good. You can't control or even take responsibilities on how other feel. You go worry about yourself and you make sure you are happy. We only have but one life to live so make it worthwhile. Edited July 1, 2014 by sugarlove
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