Simon Phoenix Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I'm sorry love1336. If you ever want to talk, I'm here and understand 100%. It's very painful. It feels as if...the speed with which they move into something else indicated at least some type of infidelity before the break up (emotional, etc.). Yeah...moving on can be tough as a guy. Especially when I've alienated everyone and devoted myself so much to the engagement/marriage. I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward, but I know that I feel what she's doing is wrong. It's just not for me. I think it just confirms that she wasn't ever really my friend and how little she cares for me now. The bolded is a bit of a red flag. You should never put a romantic relationship that far ahead of everything in your life. A romantic relationship should supplement your already good life, not be the sole purpose of it. Situations like this cause codependency, which can destroy the romantic relationship and your boundaries. Sorry you are going through this, but if there's anything you can take from this situation moving forward, it would be having a healthier balance in your life. 1
Emilia Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 It just makes me really sad. I'm more sad that she's giving herself away to drown these feelings instead of facing them. I suppose if it helps her mask her pain...I can't really be upset. Maybe I have no right to be upset at all. Who knows. It's not a possessive "I own her" kind of anger. It's the severing of the promises and the friendship and the emotions that hurts. I've loved her since we were just kids in high school. I thought I had let enough time pass and put enough space between us so that we could try and have an adult relationship. As many young people do, I greatly overestimated our abilities. There's accountability at both ends...I guess it's just going to take maturity and a strong will to come to terms with this, grow, and move forward. It's attachment that hurts so much. It's a difficult thing to rationalise. You have known her for a very long time, your bond is deep. It is completely natural that the threat to this bond should hurt. It will get better and your partner selection will be better next time. 1
Author theexfiance Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) The bolded is a bit of a red flag. You should never put a romantic relationship that far ahead of everything in your life. A romantic relationship should supplement your already good life, not be the sole purpose of it. Situations like this cause codependency, which can destroy the romantic relationship and your boundaries. Sorry you are going through this, but if there's anything you can take from this situation moving forward, it would be having a healthier balance in your life. Yeah, I think the relationship became pretty co-dependent. Especially toward the end. I was working 40 hours a week and going to grad school full time. She sort of became my world and support system. I really just served to enable her selfish behavior. Next time, I won't make that mistake. I think I'd definitely like to live on my own for a change. She was kind of a huge slob and I only put up with it because I loved her. It's attachment that hurts so much. It's a difficult thing to rationalise. You have known her for a very long time, your bond is deep. It is completely natural that the threat to this bond should hurt. It will get better and your partner selection will be better next time. You're absolutely right. I don't think trying to understand it is a wise course of action. I just have to let it go. Just yesterday we closed up our last financial tie. In the conversation she unnecessarily threw in that she was at the doctor's and couldn't conclusively tell me how much we owed (she was waiting to hear back from the rental company). I didn't bite and responded with "Okay, thanks! Just let me know!" She responded "Will do! Hope all is well." I didn't respond. After a few hours the string of e-mails that followed was understandably more cold/business like on her end. I could tell she wasn't happy that I had ignored these things. I think they might be the first breadcrumbs I've received. She mentioned something in a later e-mail about "we will have to call them tomorrow." Something in me snapped. I said to myself there is no "we." I responded that I had sent her the payment in full and that she could make the payment herself today so that we would not need to communicate anymore and everything would be settled. I closed with "Thanks." No response. It was a difficult thing to do, but I've been in NC for almost 2 weeks now (maybe more...I'm starting to lose track of the days). Was I crazy for thinking that she wanted my attention with those two e-mails or did I handle this the right way? Edited July 3, 2014 by theexfiance
Trimmer Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 It was a difficult thing to do, but I've been in NC for almost 2 weeks now (maybe more...I'm starting to lose track of the days). Was I crazy for thinking that she wanted my attention with those two e-mails or did I handle this the right way? Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't . The good thing is that you are recognizing the potential for a breadcrumb, lead-you-on dynamic, and you are taking action at your end to close things off in a respectful but final way. And, NC means not having to worry or wonder about what she was thinking or what she was intending with her Emails. You said what you needed to, and closed things up, and it actually doesn't matter what was in her head, does it? I think you're doing OK.
Itspointless Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 She always had difficulty having sex due to past trauma, and now she just seems to be giving it away. In think I am reading that you were trying to accommodate her during the relation because of the trauma. So that must feel as a double blow. She probably withheld with you because you came close to her. Be kind to yourself.
Emilia Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Was I crazy for thinking that she wanted my attention with those two e-mails or did I handle this the right way? You handled it the right way. She wanted attention because clearly she has residual feelings in her that make her want to engage. Probably partly to vent and partly to resolve them. The thing is, if you are absolutely certain that parting is the right way to do, if rationally you know that this is what should happen, you should stick to NC. Otherwise you are dragging out the inevitable. You WILL feel better. Detaching is painful but it is part of splitting up. This is why people hate breaking up. If it was easy, it would happen every day. 1
Author theexfiance Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't . The good thing is that you are recognizing the potential for a breadcrumb, lead-you-on dynamic, and you are taking action at your end to close things off in a respectful but final way. And, NC means not having to worry or wonder about what she was thinking or what she was intending with her Emails. You said what you needed to, and closed things up, and it actually doesn't matter what was in her head, does it? I think you're doing OK. True. I guess I'm still putting far too much importance into what she thinks...I guess I just want some validation. I want to know that everything I put into the last five years of my life wasn't meaningless simply because she's moving on to "greener pastures" so quickly. Even though I have no expectations of reconciliation, my ego is hurt and wants to hear that she misses me. I'm just being honest. Thanks. I think so too. In think I am reading that you were trying to accommodate her during the relation because of the trauma. So that must feel as a double blow. She probably withheld with you because you came close to her. Be kind to yourself. Yeah, I tried hard to accommodate her. Everyone around me has pointed that out ad nauseam. I just figured out a little too late that I have an anxious attachment style and that she is the incredibly rare avoidant-fearful attachment type (due to her childhood traumas). Me getting closer only pushes her further away. Perhaps that's my only solace (and sadness). No matter how close anyone gets to her, she will always push them away. Thank you, I hope that I can begin to be kind to myself. You handled it the right way. She wanted attention because clearly she has residual feelings in her that make her want to engage. Probably partly to vent and partly to resolve them. The thing is, if you are absolutely certain that parting is the right way to do, if rationally you know that this is what should happen, you should stick to NC. Otherwise you are dragging out the inevitable. You WILL feel better. Detaching is painful but it is part of splitting up. This is why people hate breaking up. If it was easy, it would happen every day. Thanks Emilia. I appreciate the validation. I'm sure she has residual feelings. I just can't/won't be the one to accommodate them anymore. Even with an apology in the future...I'm coming to terms with the idea that we just aren't right for each other. My therapist really helped me come a long way very quickly. It's not any easier, but I feel that ultimately it's true. I'll never be sure that parting was the right way to go. It was her decision to break us up, but ultimately my decision to boot her out of my life. I'm a successful young guy with a graduate level degree. I'm not keen on the idea of playing second fiddle to whatever loser she's moved onto. You're right. This is pain, but like everything else in life: this too shall pass. Thank you to everyone for the kind words. If you have any other insights, please share. I'm learning so much from this forum and from this entire experience. I'll keep posting as difficulties arise. I just want to say, you're all the best for keeping me in check and being so straightforward about your advice.
Itspointless Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Yeah, I tried hard to accommodate her. Everyone around me has pointed that out ad nauseam. I just figured out a little too late that I have an anxious attachment style and that she is the incredibly rare avoidant-fearful attachment type (due to her childhood traumas). Me getting closer only pushes her further away. Perhaps that's my only solace (and sadness). No matter how close anyone gets to her, she will always push them away. I already thought I was reading this in your story. I am a bit in the anxious spectrum myself. The reason I came her was my short-lived (few months) ldr with someone who also turned out to be dismissive-avoidant and I think in the spectrum near to fearful. She got ill again and pushed me away. She already had a hard time with trust. It was not the first time in my life that illness made a mess of my life, I lost a parent in my adolescence. Never thought that with the next encounter of illness of someone really close I would be pushed away. Somehow it brought back lots of emotions. In a way that also is a big chance for me. Anyway, I am really sorry man, I hope you will find some peace within. I know it is hard when you are anxious yourself.
Author theexfiance Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I already thought I was reading this in your story. I am a bit in the anxious spectrum myself. The reason I came her was my short-lived (few months) ldr with someone who also turned out to be dismissive-avoidant and I think in the spectrum near to fearful. She got ill again and pushed me away. She already had a hard time with trust. It was not the first time in my life that illness made a mess of my life, I lost a parent in my adolescence. Never thought that with the next encounter of illness of someone really close I would be pushed away. Somehow it brought back lots of emotions. In a way that also is a big chance for me. Anyway, I am really sorry man, I hope you will find some peace within. I know it is hard when you are anxious yourself. Thanks...doing my best to find peace. Our engagement ended a month ago and I've been NC for 21 days. The weekend was hard. Spent the 4th alone. No fireworks, she liked em too much for me to enjoy them... I'm irritated with myself for still hurting so much. I worked out all weekend. Boxing, runs, weight lifting...I hurt everywhere. Still, nothing seems to numb the pain I feel inside. I've never experienced a betrayal quite like this one. She called herself my best friend and even told me that she was in love with me (after breaking up...wtf...). I've lost all confidence and I feel myself losing motivation.
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 It hasn't been that long in the grand scheme of things. You are doing all the right things. Your confidence & your motivation will return in time. Cut yourself a break. 1
Author theexfiance Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 It hasn't been that long in the grand scheme of things. You are doing all the right things. Your confidence & your motivation will return in time. Cut yourself a break. You're right. I just feel like I'm running out of strength. I'm starting to drown in this...and I really resent myself for it. On days like today, I have a hard time imagining myself pulling through this in a good way.
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