Ex Fi sleeping with others 3 weeks after BU??

[theexfiance]

Hi everyone,

 

I recently found out that my ex fiancee has been sleeping with others post BU. She always had difficulty having sex due to past trauma, and now she just seems to be giving it away.

 

She's even going so far as to plan out elaborate scavenger hunts to sleep with a guy...

 

How should I feel about this? Is there any way to cope? Anyone else experience something like this, post-serious commitment?

 

Thanks

[amaysngrace]

At least you didn't marry her.

 

Stop paying attention to what she is doing or you will drive yourself crazy.

 

She's dysfunctional because of her past so don't expect her to act in any set way. Honestly you should be feeling so lucky that she will not be the mother of your children. They'd probably have issues too if she raised them then you would be stuck cleaning up the mess of getting their heads right.

 

You dodged a bullet...a big one!

[d0nnivain]

She's looking for unhealthy affirmation that she is still attractive & desireable. It has nothing to do with you.

 

To faciliate your healing, stop focusing on her.

[theexfiance]

At least you didn't marry her.

 

Stop paying attention to what she is doing or you will drive yourself crazy.

 

She's dysfunctional because of her past so don't expect her to act in any set way. Honestly you should be feeling so lucky that she will not be the mother of your children. They'd probably have issues too if she raised them then you would be stuck cleaning up the mess of getting their heads right.

 

You dodged a bullet...a big one!

 

You're right...I just don't know how. It feels like I've tried everything to keep myself occupied and the need to confirm what I feared the most is overwhelming.

 

I suppose you're right. I just don't feel so lucky right now...but that's likely true. Our kids would have been a mess with a mother like her.

 

She just never seemed like the person she's being now...

 

She's looking for unhealthy affirmation that she is still attractive & desireable. It has nothing to do with you.

 

To faciliate your healing, stop focusing on her.

 

 

You think so? I mean...everything else I saw makes it sound like she's a complete mess...but this roller coaster of emotions is getting old. I feel like I've taken 20 steps backward by finding out all of this ****.

 

amaysngrace and d0nnivain, how did you manage to get past this kind of thing? Have either of you had this type of experience with an ex?

 

If so, what was the end result for you and them?

 

If not, do you know of any posts that cite similar stories?

 

Thanks guys...the support means a lot.

[d0nnivain]

I don't pay that much attention to my EXs.

 

One I was hurt to learn years later that he was married. The other, I spent way too much time worried that he was hooking up with one particular woman but I never got confirmation one way or the other.

 

I kept myself busy & changed my environment so it didn't remind me of them

[theexfiance]

I don't pay that much attention to my EXs.

 

One I was hurt to learn years later that he was married. The other, I spent way too much time worried that he was hooking up with one particular woman but I never got confirmation one way or the other.

 

I kept myself busy & changed my environment so it didn't remind me of them

 

Wow. I think you're the first person I've heard say that haha.

 

I keep busy, but changing my environment is unfortunately not an option. I'm constantly surrounded by reminders. Knowing that a break up is the chemical equivalent of a drug addiction...that makes things tough.

 

It's just disgusting to me that she could do this so soon. 4-5 months down the road...whatever. But not even a month? Wow.

 

I feel guilty even thinking about going on a date with a new girl. Wtf is wrong with me?

[d0nnivain]

Changing your enviroment doesn't mean move. It can mean rearrange the furniture. Get some new throw pillows. Put the dishes in a different cabinet. Buy new sheets -- definitely buy hew sheets.

 

I know one of my EXs banned the color red & Pepsi from his formerly our apartment because they reminded him of me.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. You are still mourning. She's self destructing but that's not your problem right now.

[theexfiance]

Changing your enviroment doesn't mean move. It can mean rearrange the furniture. Get some new throw pillows. Put the dishes in a different cabinet. Buy new sheets -- definitely buy hew sheets.

 

I know one of my EXs banned the color red & Pepsi from his formerly our apartment because they reminded him of me.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. You are still mourning. She's self destructing but that's not your problem right now.

 

Yeah, I'm not living in our house anymore. It's just we've been EVERYWHERE in our state together.

 

But you're right, gotta make some changes she wouldn't have liked just for fun.

 

You sure? Because it sure feels like there is. I mean ****. How is it already so okay for her to be doing this with other people?

 

If I flirt, I feel like I'm committing a crime lol. It's really sad. I want to move on and date...but sleeping with someone seems extremely premature (and immature, and disgusting at this juncture).

[Emilia]

You sure? Because it sure feels like there is. I mean ****. How is it already so okay for her to be doing this with other people?

 

If I flirt, I feel like I'm committing a crime lol. It's really sad. I want to move on and date...but sleeping with someone seems extremely premature (and immature, and disgusting at this juncture).

She is dealing with severing her attachment in her own way. You have to do what is right for you.

[theexfiance]

She is dealing with severing her attachment in her own way. You have to do what is right for you.

 

I'm certainly not the moral authority...but damn that's cold.

 

Am I wrong to feel like that's really messed up?

[Emilia]

I'm certainly not the moral authority...but damn that's cold.

 

Am I wrong to feel like that's really messed up?

Nothing you are feeling right now is wrong.

 

She is dealing with it in a way that protects her feelings. I did something similar not that long ago and I'm sure the guy thought it was cold too. From my point of view, it was more about creating a barrier between us, reminding myself that there are other men too.

 

I don't know your background story so I'm just focusing on this one thing.

[theexfiance]

Nothing you are feeling right now is wrong.

 

She is dealing with it in a way that protects her feelings. I did something similar not that long ago and I'm sure the guy thought it was cold too. From my point of view, it was more about creating a barrier between us, reminding myself that there are other men too.

 

I don't know your background story so I'm just focusing on this one thing.

 

I'm almost afraid to ask...but did that work for you?

 

From my point of view its more of the same...masking a problem, burying your feelings...just to have them surface later.

 

I could understand if we were a short 6 mo. relationship and we had ended explosively (cheating, etc. on my part).

 

Aside from the first two weeks of trying to get her to work things out, I've handled **** respectfully. I haven't been trying to talk to her or anything...deleted FB, she doesn't have my #, can only e-mail me about our financial stuff. All my choice even though she wanted to be "friends" and "hang out" once all of the financial stuff was over with.

 

It's all just weird and painful. I feel relatively okay, despite finding this out. But I was sick to my stomach finding out about it.

[love1336x]

OHHHH I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

 

My boyfriend of six months is banging a girl from our job less than A WEEK of us being BROKEN UP! She's a WHORE! A WHORE! She has been with every single man at the job!

 

It's crazy! I mean just tells me what type of man he is... to sleep with that, but hey its okay!

 

You just gotta breathe and move the hell on!

[theexfiance]

OHHHH I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

 

My boyfriend of six months is banging a girl from our job less than A WEEK of us being BROKEN UP! She's a WHORE! A WHORE! She has been with every single man at the job!

 

It's crazy! I mean just tells me what type of man he is... to sleep with that, but hey its okay!

 

You just gotta breathe and move the hell on!

 

I'm sorry love1336. If you ever want to talk, I'm here and understand 100%. It's very painful.

 

It feels as if...the speed with which they move into something else indicated at least some type of infidelity before the break up (emotional, etc.).

 

Yeah...moving on can be tough as a guy. Especially when I've alienated everyone and devoted myself so much to the engagement/marriage.

 

I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward, but I know that I feel what she's doing is wrong. It's just not for me. I think it just confirms that she wasn't ever really my friend and how little she cares for me now.

[Trimmer]

How is it already so okay for her to be doing this with other people?

Maybe it's not OK for you, and that's fine. And maybe it's not even OK with her, but it's something she's struggling with.

 

Your task is not to figure out what she's thinking or feeling or whether what she is doing is OK. Your task is specifically to disconnect from those thoughts and feelings. Figuring out what she's doing and whether it's OK won't make you feel any better. Disconnecting from her will start you on the road to recovery.

 

Accept that she is who she is and she will do what she will do and you don't need to figure any of that out - or even know about it. Look forward, focus on your life, and start moving forward again.

[love1336x]

I'm sorry love1336. If you ever want to talk, I'm here and understand 100%. It's very painful.

 

It feels as if...the speed with which they move into something else indicated at least some type of infidelity before the break up (emotional, etc.).

 

Yeah...moving on can be tough as a guy. Especially when I've alienated everyone and devoted myself so much to the engagement/marriage.

 

I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward, but I know that I feel what she's doing is wrong. It's just not for me. I think it just confirms that she wasn't ever really my friend and how little she cares for me now.

 

Oh if we could exchange emails or something I would totally love that. You have no idea how much of a friend I need right now.

[theexfiance]

Oh if we could exchange emails or something I would totally love that. You have no idea how much of a friend I need right now.

 

Yeah of course, that sounds great . I'm not sure that I can PM, so it's up to you, but I could use a friend too.

[sooshi]

I'm sorry to read this, and I understand how painful it must be.

 

As others have said, this is not a reflection on you. This is her choice, and is her way of dealing with and coping with her issues. They're right in saying that you dodged a bullet. A big one!

[theexfiance]

I'm sorry to read this, and I understand how painful it must be.

 

As others have said, this is not a reflection on you. This is her choice, and is her way of dealing with and coping with her issues. They're right in saying that you dodged a bullet. A big one!

 

Thanks sooshi. Yeah, it hurts. I'm having a hard time with her decisions, but I guess everyone is right. I need to just look forward and move on.

 

I hear that a lot. I feel like I should feel lucky or free or something...but I don't. To be honest, I don't really have a plan for moving on. I just really hope that I can.

[Trimmer]

Yeah of course, that sounds great . I'm not sure that I can PM, so it's up to you, but I could use a friend too.

If you "subscribe" even for one month at like $2.50 or something like that, you get immediate PM privileges. Otherwise it takes time and some number of posts before they are enabled.

[theexfiance]

If you "subscribe" even for one month at like $2.50 or something like that, you get immediate PM privileges. Otherwise it takes time and some number of posts before they are enabled.

 

Gotcha, thank you for the info!

[VanessaVanessa]

I don't have anything much new to add since others have basically summarised it. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're in this situation, the fact that you two were actually engaged would be difficult and I can't even think of how I would get past day 1 knowing what you do. In some ways it only has to get better after finding that out I guess, and hopefully it does. The fact that you are questioning her early sexual behaviour means that it obviously did matter to you and that is a good thing. It does and will hurt, but it says you cared for her. Now though.. you will need to try to distract yourself from obtaining more info on what she is up to for your own sake. The sooner you can, the quicker you should make a shift.

 

 

Good luck

[theexfiance]

I don't have anything much new to add since others have basically summarised it. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're in this situation, the fact that you two were actually engaged would be difficult and I can't even think of how I would get past day 1 knowing what you do. In some ways it only has to get better after finding that out I guess, and hopefully it does. The fact that you are questioning her early sexual behaviour means that it obviously did matter to you and that is a good thing. It does and will hurt, but it says you cared for her. Now though.. you will need to try to distract yourself from obtaining more info on what she is up to for your own sake. The sooner you can, the quicker you should make a shift.

 

 

Good luck

 

Thanks Vanessa. I appreciate that. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it either, honestly. I feel...okay mostly. I think this is feeling okay anyway. I described finding out like hitting your funny bone. It hurt like hell and I wanted to laugh at the same time.

 

I think that I loved who I thought she was. She told me who she was from time to time and I didn't want to believe it. I need to face the fact that this is who she is. She's an addiction and she's not right for me.

 

I just wish I knew where I was going to draw the willpower from to keep myself from wanting to know more. Let alone to move on. There's a lot to come to terms with this week...I'm feeling drained.

[Emilia]

I'm almost afraid to ask...but did that work for you?

It was something much shorter and more casual than your thing so it's not the same. Even in this situation didn't really work directly, ie it didn't help me move on much but it did help creating more distance - so worked indirectly that way, if that makes sense. I absolutely wanted distance but I regret hurting him.

From my point of view its more of the same...masking a problem, burying your feelings...just to have them surface later.

 

I could understand if we were a short 6 mo. relationship and we had ended explosively (cheating, etc. on my part).

 

Aside from the first two weeks of trying to get her to work things out, I've handled **** respectfully. I haven't been trying to talk to her or anything...deleted FB, she doesn't have my #, can only e-mail me about our financial stuff. All my choice even though she wanted to be "friends" and "hang out" once all of the financial stuff was over with.

 

It's all just weird and painful. I feel relatively okay, despite finding this out. But I was sick to my stomach finding out about it.

When my marriage (9 years) ended it was different but then again it hit me much later. Months later when I felt so suicidal, I was flying to see some friends in New Zealand and I was willing the plane to crash. It was that bad. Jumping into bed seems preferable to that.

[theexfiance]

It was something much shorter and more casual than your thing so it's not the same. Even in this situation didn't really work directly, ie it didn't help me move on much but it did help creating more distance - so worked indirectly that way, if that makes sense. I absolutely wanted distance but I regret hurting him.

 

When my marriage (9 years) ended it was different but then again it hit me much later. Months later when I felt so suicidal, I was flying to see some friends in New Zealand and I was willing the plane to crash. It was that bad. Jumping into bed seems preferable to that.

 

Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. I know that no two scenarios are the same. I just...like to learn about these things because at the end of the day, all I can really count on is growing from this experience.

 

It just makes me really sad. I'm more sad that she's giving herself away to drown these feelings instead of facing them. I suppose if it helps her mask her pain...I can't really be upset. Maybe I have no right to be upset at all. Who knows. It's not a possessive "I own her" kind of anger. It's the severing of the promises and the friendship and the emotions that hurts.

 

I've loved her since we were just kids in high school. I thought I had let enough time pass and put enough space between us so that we could try and have an adult relationship. As many young people do, I greatly overestimated our abilities.

 

There's accountability at both ends...I guess it's just going to take maturity and a strong will to come to terms with this, grow, and move forward.