Always Complications & Failures in Relationships

[lesdeuxsoleils]

Before moving to the main problem here's some background:

 

I'm from an Eastern Culture but totally Westernised. I'm not very religious but I have a very strong faith in God. I pray and read the Holy Book from time to time. I have good values which are in every religion. I'm very liberal. Anyways, I've been in 4 relationships, well recently. None lasted. I'm in my mid-30s now so I wonder why and what I can learn from them.

 

1) This was a traditional guy but cool. Lasted 3 mo. I was really into him and it seemed like he was but don't think that was the case. His family was religious and they were from a sect in which they only married within that sect. He said he was the eldest son and he could not be a rebel against his parents. So that was it. I said no point in pursuing this but I was really attached. I left the country for good. He kept saying he missed me via IM while I was here in the U.S. I told him that we cannot talk anymore because it's too much for me. As a result I was very hurt and stayed away from relationships with guys for a couple of years.

 

2) Then went to France, dated a lot, met a guy, fell in love. Our religions were were different but after 3 mo he said he would convert to mine. Great, that solved any issues that would arise later. I decided not to stay in France and come back to the U.S to work. He said he would consider coming to the U.S for me. He finally decided that he couldn't go, it would be hard for him being a foreigner, getting a job etc. He also said he didn't want to convert after 6 mo and that long-distance would be difficult. We mutually agreed it's over. He came to drop me off at the air port so it wasn't a bad end. I tried to go back to France but couldn't get a job there. Kept in touch on Facebook and he said 1 mo later that he fell in love with another girl. I didn't speak to him again. Cried cried cried. I was back in the U.S in good spirits. He broke up with the girl and sent a message on Facebook, just to say hi. We exchanged sweet Facebook messages. He asked me if I was single. I was but so what. Then he unfriended me because it was too difficult for him to see my updates.

 

3) Met an American guy next. We were really attracted to each other but the only outcome always was sex. Conversation was good too. But then he would disappear for 3 days, I wouldn't hear from him. There was no flow in the relationship. I called and he was busy. Then he would call, we would meet, sex, that's it. Eventually I asked are we in a relationship. He said well, I'm always traveling and dunno where I'll live so you shouldn't think of me as your boyfriend. So I discovered it was FWB. I liked it somewhat, then, it was on and off, I got sick of lack of attention from him. We fought over email. Ignored each other and didn't speak again. I think I sent an email last, he ignored.

 

4) I stayed single for a while. I'm picky and always look for something that would last and when I'm hurt I avoid meeting guys for relationships. After sometime, a guy came along from France and was looking for a job. He reached out to me on Linked In and we spoke on the phone because he was interested in working for my company. I sent his CV and did all I could but my company was not interested. I didn't know this guy at all, I try to help people when I can. He got another job soon. I was a social bird so we met a few times at events. In fact the first time, he recognised me, I didn't even know what he looked like. Met quite often became friends and then fell in love.This was my most serious and longest relationship, 1 yr. We had talked about marriage as well. He was apparently deeply in love. Last year he left me suddenly 1 day before our 1 yr anniversary. We were supposed to decide on a timeframe for marriage at the 1 year point. I wrote about this in another thread.

 

So the problem is why does every relationship end? What is wrong with me? I'm successful, smart & intelligent. I modeled freelance for a little bit last summer so I am attractive. (Not boasting, just saying). Also very independent, my ex (#4) said that I have an intimidating personality and he used to say I look hot most of the times. I'm also very friendly and outgoing. I have friends from many different cultures and backgrounds.

 

I have one flaw, I am Bipolar so very sensitive but my condition is controlled. When I fight, later I realise my mistake if I overreacted and apologise. I've been leading a normal life since 11 years like this but there are times when I breakdown, I get back up with medical help and will. Is this the reason why it keeps happening? My ex took it well, but in the end I told him that the depression must be hard to deal with too right and he said not so much but gave other useless reasons.

Edited July 1, 2014 by lesdeuxsoleils

[sugarlove]

When my ex broke up with me, I realised that I have the habit of pushing people away when they get too close. I also have the habit of brushing betrayals away and not having the ability to fault my lovers for their decisions to break things off.

 

I like the quote that some people come into our lives for a reason and others leave with a lesson. So each breakups must be evaluated on its own and find out what went wrong with each relationship. It's hard, because people tend to jump from one relationship to the next without much inner reflection or change.

 

I don't really know what went wrong with each guy you mentioned as there are sometimes nitty gritty things that goes on that you didn't mention but could be the turning point in the relationship. Hard to say.

 

These guys are just passing by in your lives, they never stayed long but I'm sure the times were great. But in the end, things didn't work out simply because they are not the right fit for you. We can't dwell on the past but keep searching for the right guy to come along.

[lesdeuxsoleils]

Now that you mentioned pushing people away when they get too close, I have a thought. #2 was really into soccer as most of the europeans are, he played and watched. I remember that I wanted to meet him more frequently that he wanted to meet me at times. After it ended, when we were continents apart, he told me that I know you loved me the most, out of all of them. Didn't prove beneficial to know this.

 

The last one in the end complained that we don't meet friends so often anymore and you need a lot of my time. Something to that effect. In my defence I didn't go out a lot at night because of my chronic back pain which was at it's worst at night. I used to tell him you should still go out. He chose to stay. Not my fault. We were both social, me more so but I had my limitations due to my condition. I used to organise all the night outs etc. He wouldn't invite me when he wanted to go out alone and meet some people or do things. When I wanted to meet my friends, he was always there. It became the norm, which I didn't quite like a lot. I also needed my space. In the end I stopped sharing a lot of what my friends were saying and he didn't like it.

 

I've decided that I will NEVER live with anyone again unless I'm married. If you give attention it's a problem, if you don't it's a problem. What the heck! I haven't been the sort to jump from one relationship to another. There's always been a considerable gap in between. I like being in control which is why I don't succumb to things like rebounds etc.

[sugarlove]

Don't give up on yourself. Patience is well worth it when it comes to real love. I've a friend like you and I understand how you feel completely. Each breakup erodes a little bit of our self-esteem and confidence. It's hard to believe any relationship will turn out well but if you hold back, the right one might pass you by!

 

As I mentioned before, the right guy will be easy for you to get along. You are one step closer to him each day..

[lesdeuxsoleils]

I don't know Sugarlove. I don't think I have any more capacity or will to love anyone and more importantly being hurt by someone. As I mentioned I'm bipolar so I feel things 10 x more than normal people. I've very sensitive although my exterior is intimidating for most people

 

I've been really torn apart by the last one, as we communicated earlier. You know I didn't only leave the city but I left the country. I wanted to go back to Europe for work but due to auth/permit issues it didn't work out. Before all this breakup crap happened, I had close friends nearby, loved the neighbourhood, was being paid but wanted to change jobs at the time as well, I was a party girl, life was good.

 

I'm very grateful for what I have now (family support) but miss the social life, friends, parties, get togethers, just life in general. I'm applying for jobs now which is also quite stressful. And I'm certainly a misfit here so I need to get a job and get out soon. I'm totally fine with being alone with no regrets. I will be rather doubtful of the next guy who comes by and for me the concept of THE ONE/ RIGHT ONE doesn't exist anymore. I think it's a fantasy.

[sugarlove]

Well, then you're not ready. Not one is expecting you to be ready to date now. I'm definitely still not ready though I've chose to rebound, that distracted me for a bit and gave me the much needed confidence back. But I've chose to end that as well because its purpose was served and he's still a great friend.

 

Just take it one day at a time, but don't close yourself off completely either. I love singlehood, just being by myself at times is great for my soul. Embrace it as it takes for you to love yourself and the life you choose for yourself. Seems you are not happy with the situation you've chose for yourself but no time for regret, you did what you needed to do. Now just focus on healing! You can do it, if I can, I'm sure you can too.

[lesdeuxsoleils]

I suppose it's a matter of time. You are right, I had to do what I did and its ok

[Allumere]

Who knows what is wrong with any of us......for whatever reason most of us are here for the same reason and most seem like pretty solid folks. Keying in on the bipolar aspect, I assume this is managed consistently with the whole arsenal of tools (i.e., theraphy, meds, good life style habits etc,). If it isn't and depending on where you are at, the person they meet may be very different then the person you may slide into...being the larger than life party girl to the more introverted gal may be a shift that is overwhelming to them. Just something to think about. Yes, you are blessed and cursed with the extra sensitivity so I understand the reluctance about this whole relationship thing. You will be fine...just give yourself some time and be good to you.

[lesdeuxsoleils]

Allumere thx for writing but I think I confused you. I've always been the outgoing social party girl. I was like this in all 4 cases, now I'm different because I'm not in the right place, I'll be the same person when I move out of here. My bipolar is in control, I have my depressive episodes but then you get better. I manage it very well, since 11yrs. There will be times when I cry despite all this and these are environmental factors that trigger moods. The breakup for example. #2 could not deal with my crying at all. The last one did very well but I feel it was a factor too, I asked him and he said not so much as the other bull**** reason he gave me.

[lesdeuxsoleils]

Didn't think this would ever happen but I had an anxiety/panic attack last night, it was terrible. I though the initial shock and most of the misery was out of me but this is awful. Talked to my psychiatrist and she said it's good that you can connect what caused it and that you know it was happening, she said it's not dangerous and if it happens again, I should take a relaxant and try to calm myself down.