IAmRobot Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Friends - Buddies of mine, who are known for partying / hooking up with friends of ours and big part of my single life (when I was single) GF - Gf and I are in a very traditional close relationship. She makes big deals about me so much as hugging my female friends. And she doesn't like when / if I hang out with my buddies, since there's usually girls and they're trying to hook up. Last weekend I was out of town to visit family and a buddy of mine invited me and her to a pool party. I obv didn't go and expected her not to either. Next thing I know, I see on instagram pics taken from the day party with her posing very sexily next to the pool with one of my buddies. And then her and another girl in the pool touching one of my other buddy's butt in a joking way. My mind is blown. These are the same people she doesn't want me hanging around because they party too much... She says the pics make it look bad and she was an angel and they were just playing this game bla bla. I told her I didn't expect her to even go and makes it feel like she says one thing to me and does another. I am currently not answering her txts for a while... What do I do?
Keenly Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Pick your friends over your girlfriend, because your friends would never put you in a situation where you are forced to choose. Your girlfriend should be ashamed of herself for getting mad at you for hanging out with your friends. That is extremely controlling and just plain evil.
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Ignoring her is game playing. Talk to her. Perhaps she likes them more now that she has gotten to know them without you & she'll lighten up about you spending time with them. Doesn't that get you the best of both worlds? Why are you upset?
Diezel Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Wait... you two didn't even communicate with each other on who was going and who wasn't? Buddy, you have a deeper problem here than just the friends. I'm sure had you gone without telling her, there would have been a tornado in your living room. Other than that, maybe now she'll stop being such a prude. You have the evidence. I don't see why she wouldn't want to hang out with you and them from now on. 1
BlueIris Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Ask her about it. How did she end up going when you didn’t go? Didn’t you two talk about it? If you normally participate in these activities and the culture in your circle of friends is to do things like this, maybe she’s joining in to show you how it feels? To fit in since it’s been a cause for conflict for the two of you? (“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”?) In the end, this isn’t about your girlfriend versus your buddies. It’s about what kind of life you want- a traditional primary relationship or the party and hook-up culture.
Author IAmRobot Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Ignoring her is game playing. Talk to her. Perhaps she likes them more now that she has gotten to know them without you & she'll lighten up about you spending time with them. Doesn't that get you the best of both worlds? Why are you upset? Upset because: - She went to a small pool party (i.e. there were 10 people) with just my social circle. - She's grabbing some guy's butt in a candid picture. I'm sure she would go ape **** if I did something like that. - I've always kept friends and dating separate. I don't want actions in one to affect the other. I've been upset at my gf before for her 'flirting' with my guy friends while I was there. And I have clearly stated this to her. - Lastly, she doesn't like the guys (doesn't let me party with just them) and yet she goes and parties with them?. That is very contradictional and a turn off. I'm not talking right now because I am some hours north to my family. I told here we are gonna talk when I get back. She insisted we talk over the phone and that's when I stopped responding.
Author IAmRobot Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Wait... you two didn't even communicate with each other on who was going and who wasn't? Buddy, you have a deeper problem here than just the friends. I'm sure had you gone without telling her, there would have been a tornado in your living room. Other than that, maybe now she'll stop being such a prude. You have the evidence. I don't see why she wouldn't want to hang out with you and them from now on. No she told me she was going... I thought to myself, what the hell? She was clearly invited there just as my gf. But I didn't tell her anything. I thought you know maybe Im just being a bit too conservative. But when the pictures came out I was like dafuq..
Author IAmRobot Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Ask her about it. How did she end up going when you didn’t go? Didn’t you two talk about it? If you normally participate in these activities and the culture in your circle of friends is to do things like this, maybe she’s joining in to show you how it feels? To fit in since it’s been a cause for conflict for the two of you? (“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”?) In the end, this isn’t about your girlfriend versus your buddies. It’s about what kind of life you want- a traditional primary relationship or the party and hook-up culture. I should edit the title. She said I'm going there... I got quite shocked since she was invited there as my gf. And not as some single girl trying to provide company to my mates. And that's the problem. She wants a very traditional relationship. I have been pro to it and have been putting certain restraints to myself (i.e. no tight-hugging girls, like I would before. Cut out certain people that she thought were heavily flirting with me. I always extend an invite to her wherever I'm going, etc.) And now she goes and does it herself... so frustrated. If it was a "If you can't beat them join them" situation I would probably understand. But I don't think it is.
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 You have a whore madonna complex. Your friends are all dogs & you can be one too when you are single, which is fine. You set your GF up as the pure ideal which is why you keep her away from your buddies. You are probably right that if you grabbed some woman's butt there would be hell to pay but if this pool party is the begining of your GF lightening up I think that is a good thing unless you have such a double standard that you want her in some glass case on a pedestal where nobody can touch her. Since you are far away & phone is the only option, your refusal to talk to her comes across at petulent.
Author IAmRobot Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 You have a whore madonna complex. Your friends are all dogs & you can be one too when you are single, which is fine. You set your GF up as the pure ideal which is why you keep her away from your buddies. You are probably right that if you grabbed some woman's butt there would be hell to pay but if this pool party is the begining of your GF lightening up I think that is a good thing unless you have such a double standard that you want her in some glass case on a pedestal where nobody can touch her. Since you are far away & phone is the only option, your refusal to talk to her comes across at petulent. I might have that complex. Like I said I just don't wanna mix things up. Dating in one part. Social circle on the other. While I was away she was out partying 3 days in a row. Excessive for someone who pretends to be a madonna. That is all. Also, now whenever I see my buddy I have to somehow feel protective because my gf grabbed his ass and Idk in what context. Oh wait I think I forgot, my gf before we started hooking up asked me to introduce her to this same guy.... (in a "I like him" kind of way) And we talked on the phone. But there's no way we are going to solve this there or texting, so I chose to wait for a few days with no contact.
Diezel Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I think you have this image of your girlfriend that doesn't really fit who she really is. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 You didn't initallly mention that your GF asked you to introduce her to this guy before she dated you. That changes things a bit. Stewing in silence is going to make this worse, not better. But you are correct that you can't resolve this through texting.
Author IAmRobot Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 I think you have this image of your girlfriend that doesn't really fit who she really is. She's put this image in my head by wanting the 'traditional relationship' and not me so much as get attention from other girls. And that's why I'm so disgusted. Because she preaches something and does something else.
Author IAmRobot Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 You didn't initallly mention that your GF asked you to introduce her to this guy before she dated you. That changes things a bit. Stewing in silence is going to make this worse, not better. But you are correct that you can't resolve this through texting. I am calling her tomorrow and grabbing a coffee. And wait is everyone OK with the fact that she grabbed some guy's ass... If a girl had done to me, her comments would have been - "What a slut, I hate her guts, she probably really wants you, etc..."
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I am calling her tomorrow and grabbing a coffee. And wait is everyone OK with the fact that she grabbed some guy's ass... If a girl had done to me, her comments would have been - "What a slut, I hate her guts, she probably really wants you, etc..." I'm glad you are talking to her. Even if that talk results in the end of the relationship you did it via the high road. As for her grabbing the guy's butt for the camera, I wasn't there so it may have been a joke. You need to hear her out & discuss what you both think is OK in your relationship. I'm also a huge flirt. While I probably wouldn't have done that to one of my BF's buddies the 1st time I hung out with them alone, I most likely would have done that, or run my fingers through his hair or sat on his lap or something else the purity police around here would object to IF my guy was present or we'd spent time together before. A few months after I met my husband it was NYE. I had already booked a cruise that I wasn't going to lose the money on & it was too soon in our relationship to ask him to come along even if cabins had been available. I sent him to a party my friends were having. When I was in range again, I got .jpgs of all the girls kissing him on the cheek for New Year's in my absence. I thought it was adorable, especially because DH was blushing in most of them. I also trust my friends without Q. It depends on what you set up as the boundaries in your relationship
BlueIris Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I am calling her tomorrow and grabbing a coffee. And wait is everyone OK with the fact that she grabbed some guy's ass... If a girl had done to me, her comments would have been - "What a slut, I hate her guts, she probably really wants you, etc..." And you're kind of doing the same. You're all upset, like she would be, but it's about YOUR "friends." So what are her friends like? Do these risks and activities occur in her social circle, or is it just yours? If it's just yours, why the heck are you hanging around people like this or going to events where people act like this?
ThorntonMelon Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I don't see where you're stuck between your buddies and your GF. You have a relationship issue, end of story. Unless your supposed friend was working over your girlfriend, in which you have a problem with your buddies (and maybe your GF). Either way, I'd simplify this in your mind. You need to figure out if you're unhappy with your guys in any way, if not this is solely a relationship issue and make sure you articulate your (reasonable) needs.
atmandu Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) I have taken much lighter things in the past and it still ate me up. If it was an 'accident' -- then there's no learning her when she comes from such a horrible place. Sets a terrible baseline behavior to stage other 'incidents' in the future. There's also boundary issues here and she will find ways to separate you and your friends. Mark my words. It doesn't matter what your friends think. It doesn't matter what her reply is. It doesn't matter whether so and so would be made in such and such a situation. The point is that YOU find it DESPICABLE. In my mind the only issue here is to find whether you can trust your buddies and get to the bottom of what happened on THEIR SIDE ONLY. If you trust them through and through -- then you already have your answer. It's hard enough to maintain and grow a relationship with mutual respect and even when you instinctively know each others boundaries from the beginning....this sounds like trouble. - edit added below- This happened to me about 3 months ago.... I completely lost it on my girlfriend of 1.5 years (committed, exclusive) for going behind my back to talk to MY BEST FRIEND about relationship issues. I do believe her it was in earnest (I was working 90 hour weeks and completely burned out) and she wanted to find a way to 'reach me'. When I was out when a drink/coffee with my friend and sharing my feelings, I sensed a kind of defensiveness/protectionism he held for her. This disturbed me deeply. I took the first opportunity he gave me to tell him that "he should know better" (with prolonged eye contact -- the kind that says "**** off, I will rip your balls off if you don't wash you line of thinking clean"). What really happened here? Me: Burned out, tired, focusing on my small business (which is finally taking off!) Her: I need more attention, what's wrong with you. Goes to my best friend to 'talk' (but not 'on purpose!' ---it "just came out" --- yeah right) My friend: She's a good girl (WTF!) and maybe your being selfish blah blah Me: Dont **** with my ****. All in all, girl upset with boy and goes to his friend to ask for advice. The result? My best friend thinks less of me/has a misconstrued representation of facts, blah blah. The point is that I will under no circumstances ever, EVER let my partner go behind MY BACK to talk to MY FRIENDS about ME. (Note that 'behind my back' can be a positive or negative thing....it's just a matter of discretion). The only reasons I can accept her to pour her heart out to my friend is: a) If I'm suicidal and is grasping for help b) Never This kind of women is insecure, pushy, invites herself to things and constantly checks up. It was time to let go. Edited July 3, 2014 by atmandu Add more context and my background reasoning...
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