GH3 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 My boyfriend have almost been going out for a year and one of the first conversations we had before we even started going out was about our birthdays. We both have birthdays in June. When it came to his birthday, I went through a lot to get him a birthday present and go to see him. I should add that we have a secret relationship, so it was a lot harder because I had to dodge my parents, get the present, hide the present, and go to his house to give it to him. When it came to my birthday, I was nervous about whether he would remember or not and to my disappointment he proved me right I thought about whether I should be upset or not because when I found out that he forgot we were on the phone and it was the night before. We were talking about what we were going to do tomorrow (he had off of work and he wanted to see me) The conversation went like this: Me: My parents are going to take me to the beach tomorrow. Boyfriend: Why? Why do you have to go to the beach with them? Me: Well... What's tomorrow? Boyfriend: I don't know... Saturday. (Yes it was in fact going to be Saturday) Me: No. What's tomorrow? Boyfriend: Saturday. Me: No. What's the date? Boyfriend: Saturday!! (He didn't hear me over the phone clearly and then he started to talk about something else, I wasn't going to let him though) Me: what's tomorrow! Boyfriend: Saturday!!!! God!!!! Me: what's the date! Boyfriend: I'm not keeping track... Today's the 27th, so tomorrow is the 28th! Me: Yes, what's on the 28th? Boyfriend: the 28th? (what he said here, I don't remember clearly, but he wasn't quite remembering yet) Oh, it's your birthday. Me: Did you forget? Boyfriend: I might have... Are you mad? Me: (very calmly, no joke) yeah. The rest of the conversation was followed by: him telling me that he wasn't paying attention to the date, that he thought it was July, "the fact that I think about you all the time should make up for it right?" (Tried to switch the talk to dreams he has of me right about here) When I started explaining to him why I was upset he asked if I was crying, I wasn't so I told him no, he responded with "Oh thank God! Because that would've been way overdramatic!" He said that he didn't remember because he was busy working. I reminded him that I remembered his birthday. He told me that he knows that he was making excuses, but that they are facts and (slowly, but not carefully enough said)... That I remembered his because "I don't do much." I wouldn't have gotten so upset if he hadn't said that (I wasn't angry, just hurt) I have a job, I take two classes this summer, I work on my art portfolio (which is very time consuming) but I still went out of my way to remember his special day I have the unfortunate habit of not expressing my feelings to him right away because for 1. I want to think before I say things 2. Because I don't want to fight with him period, I don't think it's necessary (we never fought before) 3. We are technically long distance, I don't think it's good to argue over the phone Therefore, I said nothing about it and we continued a more light hearted conversation on Skype. Yes, he did say happy birthday. We talked about when we could see each other again. We set the day. However, after talking to him like nothing happened, I don't think I got my point across that he hurt my feelings by not only forgetting, but also by disregarding what I did for him. My cousin suggested that I give him the cold shoulder when I see him to let him know something is wrong, but after not seeing him for a while I don't think that's the best idea. Plus, after just talking to each other like nothing happened, I don't know if it would just seem like I'm bipolar. I want to let him know how I feel but I have no idea how to bring it up or how to tell him! What should I do???? He's a good boyfriend overall and I don't get upset with him very easily or often, but this situation did bother me. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 No, don't give him the cold shoulder or play games. It would just make things worse. Direct and considerate conversation is always the best. Also, some people are just not good with dates. I have forgotten my parents' birthdays a few times. I don't think it's a big deal and if he treats you well everyday, I think you should just attribute this mistake to human error. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
iiiii Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Eivuwan is right. Some people are just not good with dates. Some people don't give a rats about anniversaries. You might think that if birthdays are important to you then he should remember anyway - but it just doesn't work like that. You absolutely have every right to tell him you're upset. But then if you want to keep him, also take some responsibility yourself for making it go more smoothly next year. Next year, remind him it's your birthday a month out. And then write it on his calendar. If he STILL misses the date, then you've got the right to get pissy. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Why do you have to hide your relationship from your parents? That's more concerning than him forgetting your Bday in my opinion. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH3 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 No, don't give him the cold shoulder or play games. It would just make things worse. Direct and considerate conversation is always the best. Also, some people are just not good with dates. I have forgotten my parents' birthdays a few times. I don't think it's a big deal and if he treats you well everyday, I think you should just attribute this mistake to human error. Yeah, On my birthday I got over the "him forgetting" part, but what really hurt was that he kind of told me that I only remembered his because I don't do much (which I do). That's the only thing that still bothers me actually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH3 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Why do you have to hide your relationship from your parents? That's more concerning than him forgetting your Bday in my opinion. That is a long story and I have a post about it on my profile if you would like to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) Your cousin's advice is the worst.. giving him the cold shoulders is passive aggressive, childish, and does not resolve conflicts. Communication is what you want to go for. Asking him 23 times for the date lands in the same category. As for being upset.. is he a good boyfriend? If the answer is yes, then forgive him, and move on Edited July 1, 2014 by Elle1975 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH3 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) Well for one, yes he is a good boyfriend, (as I mentioned I'm actually more upset over what he said afterwards) and I agree with you: I know better then to follow her advice, that's why I'm here. I could've sworn you had another question (maybe you edited your post) but that story is in another thread in my profile. Edited July 1, 2014 by GH3 Did not write entire response Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Yeah, On my birthday I got over the "him forgetting" part, but what really hurt was that he kind of told me that I only remembered his because I don't do much (which I do). That's the only thing that still bothers me actually. In this situation your boyfriend has shown a lot of immaturity and inconsideration. An adult mature male would have recognized his mistake and apologize 'oh honey I am so sorry I will make it up to you'. Instead your boyfriend tried in every way possible to dismiss your hurt and tried to minimize the importance of your birthday. Then when he was faced with his lack of consideration he turned the table around and accused you personally 'you remember his b'day cause you don't do much'. Your boyfriend has a problem humbling himself and recognizing when he could have done better. He lacks sympathy and empathy. That is a very ugly personality trait. He is probably like that in other aspects of his life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 He was probably so annoyed after being asked "What date it was" 17 times without you getting to the point... compounded along with the fact that he forgot... he was pretty much on the spot. Look, I have to set reminders on my phone for birthdays. I'm horrible with birthdays and names. Next time get to the point and avoid all this annoyance. It's not the best look for him to forget, either way. Are you sure this is only about a birthday? The fact that you are comparing what you did for him versus what you expected... is a bit telling as well. You may need to evaluate yourself, him and the relationship as a whole. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Men forget birthdays. It's a fact of life. If You get one that remembers, great. Otherwise a few weeks before your birthday drop not so subtle hints about what you want. Men like specific directions. If you are clear about what you want, you will get it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 My boyfriend have almost been going out for a year and one of the first conversations we had before we even started going out was about our birthdays. When it came to my birthday, I was nervous about whether he would remember or not Well, how many times did you remind him of the date in the intervening time? Did you really expect him to remember from one of your first conversations until today? If you had been together 5 years then he should know the date by now, and I could understand you being mad at him. If you had told him once a week for the last 3 months that your birthday is coming up, then i could understand being mad at him. But if you expect him to remember the date from all that time ago, first time round, then I think your expectations here are a little unrealistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 OP is concerned with his reaction when she reminded him of her birthday, not at the forgotten birthday itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 OP is concerned with his reaction when she reminded him of her birthday, not at the forgotten birthday itself. The thread title would suggest otherwise? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Yeah, On my birthday I got over the "him forgetting" part, but what really hurt was that he kind of told me that I only remembered his because I don't do much (which I do). That's the only thing that still bothers me actually. Here is what bothers her. Him minimizing everything and turning the table on her instead of owning he forgot her birthday. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 As a guy, I'll tell you... he was probably defensive and angry at that point because of the "What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it?" I'm not saying that what he did was right, but he probably was just upset at that point and lashed out. It could have also been out of embarrassment that he forgot. Sometimes we react negatively when pushed so much without someone getting to the point. After some cooldown period, if he hasn't apologized for any of it at all or if she hasn't communicated to him that it truly bothered her how he reacted, then they have bigger problems than just a birthday. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Men don't care about birthdays the same way women do. My husband really hurt my feelings the other day. He came home from work like nothing was wrong which pi$$ed me off even more. When he asked why I was mad, he was stunned to learn I was still upset about the phone call & when I said to him that he was such a jerk on the phone that I was flabbergasted that he had the nerve to come home empty handed. He looked at me like I was nuts. I explained that I had at least epected flowers & an apology. He was still stuck on not realizing I was upset. At that point he genuinely felt bad & I got my flowers yesterday. My point is that you can't beat around the bush & hint when you are upset. You have to make your feelings known. Men don't always get subtle & emotions escape them sometimes. These are of course huge gender specific generalizations but my point about being clear is universal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I'm not buying this bad with dates reasoning. With the advent of technology, it isn't very hard to pop it into your phone. If it was important, one would make the effort to want to remember. And seeing that you've been dating for a year, I'm sure at some point a lightbulb would have gone off in his head -- hey, when's her birthday? -- you celebrating his should have made him wonder and take note about yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Your cousin's advice is the worst.. giving him the cold shoulders is passive aggressive, childish, and does not resolve conflicts. Communication is what you want to go for. Asking him 23 times for the date lands in the same category. As for being upset.. is he a good boyfriend? If the answer is yes, then forgive him, and move on I agree with this...except I'd add that if he has any sense, he'd try to make up for it and just like you got him a present etc, he should also return the favor, especially since he forgot. That effort to make up for it goes a long way in showing you care versus saying "Oops...happy birthday, hope you're not crying and being overdramatic" . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 As a guy, I'll tell you... he was probably defensive and angry at that point because of the "What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it?" I'm not saying that what he did was right, but he probably was just upset at that point and lashed out. It could have also been out of embarrassment that he forgot. Sometimes we react negatively when pushed so much without someone getting to the point. After some cooldown period, if he hasn't apologized for any of it at all or if she hasn't communicated to him that it truly bothered her how he reacted, then they have bigger problems than just a birthday. Between you and I, he was playing dumb. After 1-2 times anyone else would have asked: I don't know hon, what's tomorrow? Instead he was a jack@ss and pretty much said he did not give a Fk about what tomorrow is. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Between you and I, he was playing dumb. After 1-2 times anyone else would have asked: I don't know hon, what's tomorrow? Instead he was a jack@ss and pretty much said he did not give a Fk about what tomorrow is. I'm inclined to agree. My "Oh ****" meter would have gone off by the THIRD time at least. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 The idea too that men in general don't care about birthdays like women....I'm gonna have to say that's not true. Some men are more romantic and sentimental and many make it a point to celebrate their gf and wives, even if they may not remember their buddy's birthday. I'm not generally good at dates, and because I'm not, I have to make it a point to write them down and set reminders, why? Because if I care, I want to be reminded, even though if I just leave it up to myself I won't remember. Even if a man doesn't care about it, if he knows you do, then that should be good enough for him to rub two brain cells together and think...gee, my gf and lots of other women seem to care about me remembering their birthday, so maybe I should make it a point to do so. It's not rocket science. Many capable men can rub brain cells together and do this....so there really is no "man pass" where your brain can remember game scores, this and that, but oh no, you can't remember dates and women should just accept it. It's not true. Men who WANT to remember will write it down, set an alarm, ask their sister to remind them, something. And if he's considerate, if he forgets, and especially if you got him gifts, once he is reminded he should make up for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH3 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Here is what bothers her. Him minimizing everything and turning the table on her instead of owning he forgot her birthday. Correct. And yes Diezel, the short hand I used does suggest other wise, but it was better than "boyfriend forgot my birthday and says that I only remembered his because 'I don't do much' " Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH3 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 As a guy, I'll tell you... he was probably defensive and angry at that point because of the "What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it?" I'm not saying that what he did was right, but he probably was just upset at that point and lashed out. It could have also been out of embarrassment that he forgot. Sometimes we react negatively when pushed so much without someone getting to the point. After some cooldown period, if he hasn't apologized for any of it at all or if she hasn't communicated to him that it truly bothered her how he reacted, then they have bigger problems than just a birthday. Well after he figured it out he didn't come off as angry, just guilty. As I mentioned he tried to say it carefully, not angrily. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH3 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 After some cooldown period, if he hasn't apologized for any of it at all or if she hasn't communicated to him that it truly bothered her how he reacted, then they have bigger problems than just a birthday. Well I plan to tell him how I feel, I just don't know how to go about it. And I'm running out of time. I see him Thursday morning!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts