10 year relationship ended but I want to do something about it so badly!!!

[Dash23]

Hey guys, I've been reading some posts and there seem to be some fantastic people who help. I am STRUGGLING with a decision right now and I will try to explain why, first I'll try to summarize the history of the relationship

 

-10 year friendship finally turning into an official relationship over the last year involving long distance, some personality differences but complete love/loyalty/willingness to move and make it work on her part.

 

- pretty rough last year for myself (work troubles, long distance, etc.) making it hard/straining to change to make the relationship grow/work/completely love her. Basically I got pretty defensive in the relationship, bound to fail, and I called it off (at end of January) because I kept letting her down/wasn't making her happy. Plus I was stuck in my hometown city's lifestyle making it difficult towards growing a relationship (especially while long distance). But I find myself now wanting that type of adult relationship more over the last few months. Too little too late it seems, and you will read why just below.

 

- wondering if I was in a better spot in my life (was angry with many things in my personal life), would it have worked, I know she really wanted it to with me.

 

-we remained civil, rarely talking, still fb friends, etc. Then some petty social media drama gave her the perfect opportunity to push me away even further, deleted me, said it's probably for the best anyhow as she wants to move on and find someone, and having me around makes it too hard/confusing, and she needs time. I also found out she was seeing a guy who was making her very happy and I wished her nothing but the best. It basically felt like an akward/terrible way to end a 10 year friendship/relationship even though I know we will eventually talk again. We have since wished each other happy birthdays in the 2 months since and thats it.

 

-It has bothered me every day for the last 2 months. Just recently I planned on reconciling with her as she is coming back to my city for the summer. I just found out though she is still involved with the guy I mentioned above of a month+ and is actually planning to go back to Europe to hang out with him for some weeks. He may even come back here for a bit to apparently over the summer. She is going to South America in a few months, who knows if the guy will go with her but that is besides the point - they are doing great and it quickly got serious.

 

So much for my plan of reconciling. Many people have said if it's what i want, go all in and try. But now with these latest details, I wouldn't even fathom getting between that happiness. But still I'm torn ...

 

Regardless, it's eating me up because a big part of us not working was that "I didn't want to change, and I didn't love her" in her own words. I could never say it and told her when I do say "I love you", it'll mean the world to her because I'll know and she will really know. After months of clearing my mind about things, I realize I have loved her for a long time now, but was shutting her and many others out do to my problems,etc.

 

I want so badly to let her know (in person while I have the chance) that I have loved her for a long time and realize it now for many reasons. I asked our mutual friend, if I should keep it to myself or if I should tell her. This mutual friend said "not being loved and heart broken is a horrible thing, I would want to hear it regardless".

 

It's eating me up beyond belief. I want to give her a thoughtful gift, perhaps have one last discussion with her on a good note and let her know and wish her the best of luck with everything and her new man, and that she can always reach out to me in friendship. 10 years is a long time to simply lose on a sour note like we somewhat did.

 

Am I selfish for wanting to do this? If you were her, would you want to hear it? I Know if I don't do something about it, I'm going to live with regret and it will make it much more difficult to move on!

Edited July 1, 2014 by Dash23

[FredJones80]

Not taking in to account the entire story, my first thing would be to question why you were only friends for 10 years.

 

If it took that long to develop for either or both of you then it seems a bit infeasible for it to work. Perhaps a bit forced in a way?

[Dash23]

FredJones80, the reason it took so long is because she has been working abroad the world for all that time. However, in 2011, when she started visiting more often back here, that's when we started getting more intimate and over the last year is when we made it "exclusive". I hope that answers your question to help out with the rest?

[sugarlove]

I'll say that if she is now in a new relationship, to not contact her until the relationship is over. You can keep in touch but out of respect for the other guy as well as her, as a friend basis.

 

Sometimes people can't be together due to timing and distance. Do you think it's because she has someone now in her life that you decided to chase her back? If there is personality differences as you mentioned, then it's quite hard for both to change as personalities are usually ingrained. Habits can change but not personalities, I don't think.

 

Another thing is the breakup has only been 2 months.. so it's still recent. i doubt she will throw you away as a friend even though it might seemed like it now.

Edited July 1, 2014 by sugarlove

[Dash23]

Sugarlove, it has actually been 6 months since the break up and only 2 months since she decided it best we not be friends for a while. We still texted each other happy birthdays in the 2 months but that is it.

 

I began missing her before I even knew she had a new guy. And although you have a point about respecting him/her and not saying anything until the relationship is over, there are some major problems with that for me. Firstly, I don't really care about some new exciting guy of a 1-2 month relationship or what he may think when her and I have known each other and been close for 10 years.

 

Secondly, based on what I know about her and details of this guy, I have strong reason to believe she may have found her match and this is "the guy". The same happened with a previous ex of mine, she ended up marrying the guy she dated right after me. Above all else, whether or not this guy is "the one" it doesn't change the fact that I'm harbouring something I need to tell her and it's eating me up.

 

She thinks I never loved her, I've realized over the last 6 months I did, and now I really know because I want nothing but happiness for her and wish her and this guy the best. So i'm not looking to break up something she is happy about, but the selfish part of me needs to let her know what I've realized and that I will always been there for her. it has been plaguing my thoughts for every day for the last 2 months and it will consume me if I go on knowing that a person so important to me of 10 years thinks I never loved her.

 

If any of you were here, wouldn't you want to know?

[sugarlove]

Well, it's not really about the new guy.

 

For one, she has mentioned she reckoned it's best not to stay as friends. Even though your breakup was 6 months, you really only started feeling the loss at 2 months. We never really know the value of something until we lost it, and I mean really lost that person.

 

Secondly, I said to wait out of respect for her and the new guy mainly because she has already said to not be friends for now, and if you tell her now, you'll be putting her in a difficult position to choose. And I'll say that if I'm her, I'll be choosing the new guy because he's a better fit and it'll be fair to give him a chance. Why go back to something that didn't work the first time?

 

If you love her, you will want her to be happy. If it's meant to be, she will return to you. Sometimes silence just prevents you from saying the wrong thing which you'll end up regretting later. If she is meant for you, it really doesn't matter if you said you what you needed to say or not. If she isn't, not matter what you say, it won't change her mind. The heart wants what the heart wants. If you feel that you JUST HAVE to say it to clear your conscience, then write it down but don't send it to her as it's not time.

 

It seemed to you that the new guy might be the one for her. If so, I'll say be selfless and not interrupt their progress. You've tried for so long now, we have to accept that even if two people are great as friends, they don't do well in a relationship settings. She has no romantic interest in you, so please just let them be.

 

IN time, if they do break up, then you can step in. But for now, just keep your silence and continue to keep in contact once in a while to make sure the friendship is not lost altogether.

[Dash23]

sugarlove, I was about to type a response to your last post and then I got the absolute worst possible update regarding my situation with my long term ex.

 

I was literally about to write her a letter and then I got a bunch of texts messages from one of our mutual friends who just finished hanging out with her for the weekend (this mutual friend said she would let me know what I was getting myself into)

 

Firstly, the guy my ex WAS with a few months back is no more. But a new guy has since swept her off her feet and they've been together for a month while they were both in Turkey and she even met his parents. My ex is back in my city now, but she is already going back to Europe to Italy in a couple weeks to meet up with him, and then he is coming back to Canada with her to meet her parents. They are head over heels for each other, he does all the things for her that I didn't. He is all about her needs and making whatever she wants happen. He has an incredible/flexibile job and he is going to join her on her South America travels after the summer. Oh our mutual friend saw pictures of him and he is really hot as well. She has never had anyone treat her so well and they are on the same page, and talking about the future. As I predicted (and our mutual friend also agrees)...she has found "the one", the probability is really high on this.

 

My ex said her and I weren't compatible, we fought a lot, and it was a struggle to be loved by me. Now I realize why we had so many issues, my job hit an all time worst in all of my 11 years working there/strained long distance relationship/ and some of our personality differences on top of that lead to little fights and big fights as a result. Our mutual friend concluded by saying to me "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but your time with her has gone and passed".

 

I'm absolutely crushed. I had these hopes of reconciling, and living this incredible and unordinary life with this unique girl who loves to experience the world and travel/work abroad. I was ready to quit my job and leave to South America with her. Hell she even offered to move with me to Brazil for a while to love life there when we were still together because she remembered I contemplated it years back before we were a couple. I ain't going to find a unique/unordinary girl like that any time soon who is that courageous/special in that way. I wanted to share these kind of experiences with the person I love and have known for so many years and have grown so close to.

 

And the worst part, I'm never going to be able to tell one of the most important people in my life of 10 years what I have truly realized, and that I realized after several months that I do love her (she thinks I never did and now she'll never know), I just wasn't able to show her at the time due to several obstacles/life reasons.

 

My thoughts have been plagued every day for 2 months straight, and now it's just devastating.....

Edited July 2, 2014 by Dash23

[sugarlove]

Dash,

I just read this post. Sorry for the late reply, I've been sick today and had my moments of faltering and am too missing my ex. My story is complicated and I also hurt him enough for him to break it up with me.

 

Back to your lady friend, she seemed to be confused and not really sure what she wants at the moment. I can see she is hopping from one guy to another so really, this new guy might be just a fling as well. I don't think seeing the parents mean anything, I met a lot of bf parents but still, that doesn't mean it's super serious. She is probably in the first flush of romance and will be saying all sort of great stuff about the new guy which will be passed to you but I doubt what she say is accurate of this new guy. It's just what she romanticised in her head. New is always exciting and full of possibilities.

 

You will have to let her spin around with a few broken relationships before she realised what she had with you. I am also accepting that my ex might need to date a few first before he decides what to do with us. Unfortunately, if we continue to pursue them, if they do return, we won't help but feel insecure if they return out of pity or out of love. I have always told my ex when we were dating that he should date around before he proposed to me.. it's hard for me to deal with it now, but it's what is needed before one knows for sure.

 

She will eventually stop spinning and tire herself from this. You need to not lose your head and still maintain contact as a friend. Be dignified and gentlemanly and she will notice your maturity for sure.

[Dash23]

sugarlove,

 

I hope you are feeling better after being ill and sorry to hear you are also going through the missing/withdrawals in your current situation as well.

 

As to what you last mentioned about my ladyfriend. Typically, you would be right, and although it is all "brand new, exciting, nobody has ever treated her this way," - our mutual friend (and I) both believe it is a high probability that she has found the one.

 

Heck, even through our struggles and bad timing, she NEVER called it off with me because she knew there was more to us, she literally left the decision to me to call it off. She wanted it bad, and now she wants to find someone, which she finally has and he is doing everything I didn't - my point from this is that if she wants it that bad and this guy is doing everything right, it's pretty much a high probability that its a done deal and she has found her match. I get your point about meeting parents not being a big deal, but he's coming all the way to Canada to meet hers after she goes back to Europe in just a few days to hang out with him in Italy. AND he is going to go to South America with her In September for however long because his job is that good (and flexibile). She is mega in love, as is he. They think alike, talk about the future, and have plans.

 

Which brings me back to "timing is everything". When two people want something so bad and are on the same page about everything, it all gets intensified and done very quickly sometimes, which appears to be the predictable case here. And trust me, our mutual friend was JUST like you sugarlove in her comments thinking "well it's fresh its new, etc. lets not jump to conclusions yet and don't let this guy stop you from trying".

 

BUT after our mutual friend just spent the last few days with my ex, you could tell she was literally convinced that my time with her has come and gone based on what she learned about my ex's current situation and how she has found the best person ever who noone has ever compared to in how he treats her, etc. He is all about her needs and whatever she wants, he'll make it happen.

 

I wanted to wish her Happy Canada day a couple days, especially considering shes back for now in our home area...but that was before I got all this news from our mutual friend. I don't even know if I should really ever message her again to be honest besides Happy Birthdays or unless she messages me first..... I've accepted shes found "her match", but I'm having a hard time with closure and feeling a lot of guilt over a 10 year relationship of someone who actually thinks I never loved her....

[Dash23]

Hey Folks,

 

6 months ago, I was the dumper, I had to break it off because there were a lot of life variables making it difficult at the time. We remained "friends" with limited communication so that she could move on. However, 3 months ago she did indefinitely cut me off, from facebook, etc. so she could completely move on, which I totally respected. The timing couldn't have been worse as I had actually been missing her at that time, and now, I was completely cut out with the potential to "be friends later". But I know we needed no contact so she could move on.

 

I actually had a plan to reconcile with her once she got back in the summer, but luckily our mutual friend notified me that she found someone who it is getting very serious with (sounds like "the one"). They have big plans, and she just went to Italy to meet up with this guy. Apparently he is coming back here to meet her parents.

 

So here I sit, with the guilt and regret that I will never be able to tell her what I've realized. I want to tell this girl that I've truly realized I do love her, and I wish her the best. It has been EATING at my mind for literally MONTHS. But I respected her wishes, and I haven't contacted her so she can move on.

 

To my surprise, she just messaged me with a "hey stranger, im back in Ontario, and was thinking if you'd like to catch up over a drink you could let me know". We plan to sometime next week.

 

Kind of odd that she is messaging me (her ex), after getting back from a romantic get away to Italy with her new incredible guy. However, many of my friends, and my gut tells me that, everything is fine with her guy, and enough time has "passed" that she is ready to be civil as friends with me since we have so much history.

 

She has NO idea that I know all about her and her new guy, nor does she know my feelings for her and what I've realized. Since she has opened the door, I think it is the perfect time to communicate my feelings? I actually have a special gift/letter I plan to give her. I'm not planning to try to break her and this guy up, but I've realized I truly love her and I know this because I simply want her to be happy. Am I wrong for wanting to tell her this? She thinks I never loved her, and that must be a terrible feeling, wouldn't you want to know if you were her? I feel this will give me my closure and get a tonne of bricks off my back...

[johnson_j]

I feel sorry for the guy in Italy.

[dannytheman]

get it off your chest

[Dash23]

UPDATE AFTER MEETING:

 

So the meet up happened several days ago. Of course we talked about what we've done for the summer, she mentioned what she's been up to , that she went to Italy and such. When I asked her "wouldn't it have been cheaper/easier to go to Italy in the first place" she replied with "it was a last minute change of plans". She didn't mention anything about her new guy, so she clearly wasn't there to throw things in my face.

 

Later on though when I asked who she went to Italy with, she kinda got shy and said "with a guy I'm seeing". I said "don't get all shy, that's great for you" and she mentioned that she didn't want to say right away. So I then flat out side, "well I'm glad you're in a good spot, that is great but I have some things I'm going to tell you later and we may not be able to talk again". She kinda got a little stunned/confused and I assured her it was nothing bad and that we would get to it later and that I had something to give her from my car.

 

Went through the park/did a little shopping/ had a few beers and some food/ so it was a good casual day. I obviously HAD to throw it in her face a little and I straight up said "you and I both know your new man has no idea that you are hanging out with your recent ex" which she replied "no" to. And I then said "We also both know that if your new man hung out with his most recent ex that you would NOT be cool with it" to which she replied "probably not". She then went on to say "I think I could tell him, and we have to trust each other and have faith". Which I did laugh to and said "so you squeeze me in between Your Italy trip and when he comes here to visit you" to which she replied "I didn't squeeze you in!". Kinda funny, had to bust her balls about it. Her friend told me later that she did justify to her about hanging out with me by saying "it's casual, my man has no concerns, this is for Dash's and my friendship"

 

She asked what it was that I had to tell her and joked asking if she could run away to not hear it. So later on I laid it all on her. What I've realized over the last 6 months, that I realize I do love her, and that I knew since she reached out to me to catch up - I knew that she must be happy, had moved on, and that I could tell her all this without it 'confusing' her. I told her I was sorry, timing is everything and that If I didn't tell her what I had to, I'd live to regret it. There was no defensive "why now!" on her part, she was receptive, but very neutral, she mentioned she is numb to things between us, and glad that I've figured things out, and that she did wrong to and that she has also learned.

 

The only reconciling type thing I DID say was that "if you were single right now, I'd move a mountain and would even leave with you to South America when you go soon for 3 months. Other than that , I supported/said I was happy for her and her guy - I did joke that if they can get through the honeymoon phase that they would be well on their way, to which she laughed and said "oh stop! that's what my friend said!". Well of course we're going to say that, they've been dating for barely over a month! Apparently the dude has looked into jobs in Canada and she said "well thats what people do when they like someone". I wanted to laugh and say "uhhh well in the first month not normally, no". I just said "well if 2 people want the same thing really badly, things can escalate quickly for the 2, so I i wish you the best of luck".

 

Went to drop her off and noticed her mom outside, wanted to go hug her mom and say hi, but I couldn't because my ex kinda lied to her about who she was seeing. Which makes sense since her mom would obviously give her a speech about it hanging out with me. So I gave my ex the gift I made her (a book of pictures and quotes of 10 years of our memories, it was fairly romantic but I didn't put kissing pictures to overdo it) and then had a hand written letter for her and I told her it better explained everything I said earlier. The letter had more of a tone of "this is what I've realized, I love you, I'm sorry I wasn't able to properly show you at that dark time in my life, even though our time has come and gone, you mean so much to me, you deserve the best and I know you're going to get it". So in ways, it kind of had a bit of a goodbye tone to it.

 

She didn't have time to go through the book or anything really but showed gratitude when she peeked in for a sec to view it. She had to run off to avoid her mom from seeing me, so it was a quick bye/hug and "we'll talk soon".

 

So now she knows I actually love her, and although I went in with no expecations, it's always hard to not think about what may or may not happen later. I guess at least now I'm not the guy who dumped her and didn't love her. She now knows I'm the guy who dumped her and realized everything too late - so if it's meant to be and her and her guy don't work out, who knows, maybe we'll get another shot. I don't expect to hear from her anytime soon but hopefully she found my gift/letter thoughtful considering our 10 years of history.

 

All in all, I'd say it went fairly well?

Edited August 8, 2014 by Dash23

[ExpatInItaly]

Through this thread, this is what I got:

 

She loved you. You didn't know what you wanted. You let her go.

She moved on and is dating others. You want her back. She hasn't clearly indicated that she wants the same.

 

You said there were personality differences; it wasn't only down to a dark time and being an angry person (on your part, as indicated in your previous posts) There were likely other incompatibilities at work. You've said your piece to her now. There's not much else you can do. If she's interested in reconciling, you'll find out soon enough.

 

And if you haven't already, I would also ask this mutual friend to stop feeding you details of her personal /love life. It's not your business and it's only going to eat at you. It's time to prepare yourself for the possibility that it's finally over - start detaching from her. If it works out in the end, great! But if it doesn't, at least you'll be into recovery mode and on your way to moving on, too.

[Dash23]

You said there were personality differences; it wasn't only down to a dark time and being an angry person (on your part, as indicated in your previous posts) There were likely other incompatibilities at work.

 

Hi ExpatInItaly I appreciate your response and could use further help from you or anyone else since this is a very important point you brought up.

 

I was definitely in a bad spot in my life leading to me having to call it off with her. But there of course were personality differences at work as well to and always have been even though we continually would try to work on them. Of course, near the end of the relationship when i could feel myself checking out mentally, I started growing resentful of her due to some of these little personality differences as well and it even got to a point where I sometimes wouldn't even react to her, but would become numb and give her the silent treatment instead - that was the sad part near the end, and it lead to me not putting in any more effort.

Or sometimes, she wouldn't even do anything wrong really, I would react angrily, and she would ask "why are you being like this, is this a reflection of me?" and I'd yell "you know what, sometimes, yes it is!". But it seems when you know you are going to break it off with someone, the dumper gets upset with anything quite easily and that was the case with me.

 

It is amazing what these rose tinted glasses do to us when a relationship is over though? There was a lot of good, and it's all I seem to focus on?

 

Even when we just had that meet up 2 weeks ago, she said a couple things that reminded me of those irritating opinionated behaviors that would sometimes drive me up the wall at times when we were in a relationship. My friend recently told me that "once you become resentful of someone (or certain behaviours that are hard wired into their personality), it is hard to not become resentful again with them even if time has passed and eventually you will go back to feeling the way you did before when things were bad." It's one of those things that plagues my thoughts though - *if I was in a better spot in my life, sure I'd be able to overlook some of these things, but they would just creep up again anyhow, I'd get my old resentful feelings back, and I'd only be able to "brush off" so much?*

 

This is the issue I'm having a hard time shaking for some odd reason. If anyone could shed any light on helping with these nagging thoughts to help reaffirm that I made the right call, I would greatly appreciate it!

[Dash23]

ExpatInItaly, I tried to pm ya to get your attention since I messaged you in this thread, but I don't have the private message privilege yet. Was hoping to get some words of wisdom, or anyone else (Zahara doesn't seem to hold any punches, which I like, and can shake some sense into the issue) on my most recent post just above this one.

 

Thanks in advance!