Milwaukee14 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I'm new to this forum and could really use some advice and support. Long story short. I'm in a committed relationship with the father of my child. We've been together for 9+ years. We've had our share of ups and downs over the years, but I wanted to be with him for our child and we have been fairly happy. So, about 2 years ago we moved to a new city and that's when the trouble started. I was initially excited about the move, but soon felt very isolated. My partner was working all the time and I felt so alone. We started fighting all the time which was unusual for us. I began to feel very disconnected from him emotionally and physically. We pretty much stopped having sex and I felt angry at him all the time. I was so lonely that I reached out to my first love. It escalated quickly into a full blown affair. My partner discovered it and wanted to make things work. I however did not. I just felt...done. Like the love I had for him was gone. After some time I did agree to try to give us another chance, if only for our child. We have attended MC for several months and while it's helping us to unpack some emotional baggage and understand how we got to where we are, I don't feel like it's bringing any of the feelings back. I don't feel like it's fair to either of us to keep on living this 'roommate' lifestyle. I guess my question for you all is how long is long enough? How do you know when to throw in the towel?
fellini Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 The minute you posted. You have said it as best as it can be said. Its time to move on. Youll be fine, and so will you child. 1
Author Milwaukee14 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Thanks for the reply...I guess that's my feeling. Our counselor says that our relationship is salvageable and he has seen other couples get back the 'spark' so to speak. It hasn't been my experience in life though. Usually once I'm done with someone. I'm really done. I just wonder has anyone been able to truly rekindle that passion? I don't want to waste either of our lives in trying to make this work and just end up with, ehh. Settling. I guess is what I'm trying to say. To me just okay isn't anywhere near good enough.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) I think couples owe it to their marriage and especially to their children (if they have them) to turn over every rock to try and work things out (not including situations where there is blatant abuse of any kind). I take marriage very seriously but standing before God and country and signing a piece of paper does NOT guarantee anyone a happily-ever-after. Marriage and relationships take a lot of work and constant effort on BOTH sides to beat the odds and not end up yet another statistic. To answer your question, I think you try until you don't want to try anymore. Until you know what you want or don't want. It's commendable that you tried for the sake of your child but at the same time you can't build a marriage and especially a happy and fulfilling one on JUST that alone. Trust me, I've tried. By the sounds of things, you're done. And that is perfectly okay. If you can honestly say you've made an effort to make it work and you still feel like it's over then it's over. Why prolong the inevitable? Close this chapter in your life and move on. Sticking it out endlessly when you know at the end of the day you don't want it anymore will only prove to be more painful for everyone involved. Although my divorce wasn't a result of infidelity, I too reached that point where I had done everything to save my marriage but I was finished trying so hard. For some of us, there comes that point where you've just had enough. The train has left the station and I'm on it. Once I realized I was done, I changed course and asked for a separation instead of reconciliation. It happens to the best of us unfortunately. Good luck. Edited July 1, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle 3
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 You were done with your first love at one point and went back to him. Stop being so selfish and think of your child. Is he a good father? 1
Striver Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Thanks for the reply...I guess that's my feeling. Our counselor says that our relationship is salvageable and he has seen other couples get back the 'spark' so to speak. It hasn't been my experience in life though. Usually once I'm done with someone. I'm really done. I just wonder has anyone been able to truly rekindle that passion? I don't want to waste either of our lives in trying to make this work and just end up with, ehh. Settling. I guess is what I'm trying to say. To me just okay isn't anywhere near good enough. If this is your first committed relationship, and the first man you've had a child with, you owe him more. You're not in high school anymore. My wife is in an EA and like you, wants to quit. We have an 8 year marriage with 3 kids. At least you went to MC. My wife said nothing and made exit plans behind my back. Didn't talk to me until it was too late. When I married my wife, she became my family. I mentally agreed not to judge her on things she couldn't change. I married her, I agreed to accept her the way she was. It's a different kind of love than infatuation love. My wife got in the EA and did a 180 on interests we used to share. She couldn't hold her end up.
fellini Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Thanks for the reply...I guess that's my feeling. Our counselor says that our relationship is salvageable and he has seen other couples get back the 'spark' so to speak. It hasn't been my experience in life though. Usually once I'm done with someone. I'm really done. I just wonder has anyone been able to truly rekindle that passion? I don't want to waste either of our lives in trying to make this work and just end up with, ehh. Settling. I guess is what I'm trying to say. To me just okay isn't anywhere near good enough. Why don't you try a trial separation and see if in fact you don't mind not being in a family. If you want to find the spark, maybe a MC is not going to be your best game plan. Try something extreme like Esther Perel "Mating in Captivity" or just browse her stuff in youtube and TEDTalks, and her articles. Her expertise is precisely couples who live as room mates but want to bring the erotic, desire, mystery back into the matrimonial home. Or a more conventional approach is Bill O'Hanlon who is the pioneer of "Solution Oriented Therapy" which doesn't go back to the past to find out what you didn't do, but works on the present in terms of where you want to land. He has a book called "Do One thing Different" based on this method. If neither of those work for you, in spite of what some posters above have said, you owe it NOT to your husband, but to yourself, to find internal happiness. IF people want to call that SELFISH go right ahead. I know for a fact that my WS was not happy INSIDE and went outside to find her affirmation mistakenly believing it was my job to make her happy. No one can make anyone happy if they don't want to or don't know how to understand their own baseline happiness. Your child will be happier if you are yourself happier. This is not up for debate. You cannot fool around and stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids. They know what is going on, and you are only teaching them a LIFE LESSON of death teaching them that people have to put up with misery just because they made an agreement at the alter and the feelings are no longer there. 2
Oberfeldwebel Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 First you need to understand the limitations of man. He can bring you flowers, diamond and thoughtful gifts. He can write you love songs and whisper sweet nothings in your ear. However, he can't make you feel anything, your feelings are your feelings. How long is enough? Right before you cheated on your partner. He may be responsible for part of the relationship issues, but he didn't cheat on you. Now you want him to be all romantic after he his had his guts ripped out. If the first guy was so wonderful, why did you leave him? You seem to be all over the map here jumping back and forth. Time to put down the Harlequin Romance novels, that isn't real life. Naturally, you first concern should be your child and their best interest. But the only thing worse for a child than being from a broken home, is being in a broken home. I think that all relationships can be repaired, if both people are willing to work to make that happen. Only you can know when you are done, but don't be going back and forth, that is just cruel to the other people involved. If you are done, then make a plan and act swiftly, don't drag it out.
denise_xo Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 How long exactly have you been working to reconcile? I think getting over infidelity often takes a couple of years.
road Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Have you been NC with the OM? How long since d day? How long since NC started?
Owl Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 The last two posters asked some of the key questions. How long has the A been over? Are you still in any kind of contact with your ex-AP? What are you DOING to reconcile? Does your partner know about the A? All critical questions that determine whether or not recovery is possible.
fellini Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 The last two posters asked some of the key questions. How long has the A been over? Are you still in any kind of contact with your ex-AP? What are you DOING to reconcile? Does your partner know about the A? All critical questions that determine whether or not recovery is possible. LOL. Owl. As true as the last two posters have asked some key questions, you haven't bothered to read the original post!
Owl Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 LOL. Owl. As true as the last two posters have asked some key questions, you haven't bothered to read the original post! Fair enough...hope that made you feel better about things. With that said...I see that the OP's SO is aware of the affair...and d-day occurred some months ago. But the remainder of those questions remain unanswered. They're in MC...but what are they DOING to reconcile/rebuild the marriage? Is there still any contact with AP? Is the A actually over? Months of MC mean nothing if there is still contact, or if the affair is still ongoing. And there are tons of other things that the OP and her SO could be doing to assist in rebuilding their marriage/rekindling the love. Or...she still retains the power to say 'smurf it' and file for divorce instead. 1
Author Milwaukee14 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Wow. Thank you for taking the time to listen and give advice during this time. To answer some of the questions posed... 1) D-day was 7 months ago. The affair continued for 4 months after d-day (very serious EA/PA) 2) The OM ended it because he was tired of my fence sitting. We went NC 3 months ago. 3) My SO and I started marriage counseling about 4 months ago. 4) What are we/I doing to reconcile and improve this relationship? That's the real question isn't it. So in MC we have been working on our communication and (me especially) expressing our feelings honestly. I tend to be an emotional 'hoarder' and rug sweeper. So I'm working on those things. I have held onto many resentments and have built a wall against my SO. I'm finding it very hard to let him in. I think the hardest thing for both of us is the lack of physical intimacy. I just haven't been able to find a way to get those feelings back. I basically feel numb. I avoid being sexual with my SO until I feel so guilty for not meeting his needs that I give in. I always end up crying. Sex, passion, romance is very important to me in a relationship. I can't be in a sexless relationship! I know that I need to get into IC and deal with it, because it's preventing me from moving forward in a meaningful way with my SO. [fellini: maybe I will try to pick up one of the books you suggested] So that's something I need to do. I understand that what I did was selfish and wrong of me. It was a terrible choice that I made to have an affair instead of trying to work on my relationship or just walk away. Now I'm just trying to wade through the ruins to see if I can find anything that survived. Thank you all for your advice and support.
Owl Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 OK...so the affair continued on for a couple of months post d-day...does your SO know that? It went on until OM dumped you...does your SO know this as well? From my perspective...having been in your SO's shoes to some degree...he needs to know the full truth. I've got a suggestion for you, assuming that you're still working to rebuild things. Try something different. Try spending 15 hours/week with your SO, dating/talking/having some POSITIVE time together. The rules are simple...no talking about the affair or about your future. Alternate who plans the agenda for the next date. Focus only on having a good time, with no pressures about the affair, anything else. Do that...and do your regular MC as well. See where that leads the two of you. 1
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