Red123 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 From a lot of what I have read on here and another BS forum looking at the OWs FB and other social media is the norm. I looked once right after Dday, saw her really little cute children, felt really sad then blocked her and have never looked since. She is blocked on FB and my H shut down his account in an employment site because she was looking at it everyday( it tells you who views your profile) but I didn't look at that past the first time either. I think about her often, unfortunately, but I don't go looking for her on anything. I'm curious, is there something wrong with my response to this because I am not looking for her? Thanks 2
tornapart2002 Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 What you are doing is great! I wish I could do that! I keep looking at the FOW's FB page on a separate account from mine and I don't know why. It's like I think she'll say something that tips me off that she's going to try to contact my H. And sometimes I want to see if she ever shows remorse. But in the 10 or 11 months I've looked at her social media pages, off and on, she makes almost all posts public, talks aboutwhat a victim she is after her husband left her for another woman and laments that people don't have morals anymore! SHE complains about MORALS!????!!! And whores and cheaters!!! She does! And when her soon to be ex called her out on it one time she called him a liar. It made me ask my husband if he lied about who he had the affair with and he said no, but he wishes he had in some ways. I don't tell him what she posts because lately she's been trying to send him messages about how much she misses him. Please...she only missed him after her H dumped her sorry ass. Looking at her stuff does nothing but make me angry and bitter and hate her even more. It's not helping me and I want to stop. I'm HAVE to stop. I am so paranoid that she will post something about contacting H because she writes about her whole stupid lifeon there...like she wants the whole world to know. H has told me ifshe ever contacts him I'll be the second to know, after him. I'll believe it when I see it, but I do believe that's what he intends to do anyhow. ANyhow, the bottom line is..you are a better and stronger person for NOT looking. Keep up the good work!!!! 4
Author Red123 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) Thanks Torn, I appreciate the words. You know I may not be able to do it this way if the FOW was as much drama as yours is. The one in my situation is married but I don't think her H actually knows so I doubt she would be posting anything about my H but you never know. The OW in your situation sounds pretty brutal and maybe keeping an eye on her isn't a bad thing if her H has left. But if it continues to make you feel this way maybe block and never look back. Part if me blocking is because I can't see her either, unless I unblock her, and if i was going to do that I can't re block her for two days. Considering she creeped my Hs employment site everyday, and there is nothing in there, I'm sure she would creep my FB so the decision is always very easy. This is just my opinion and I mean no offense by it, but if she contacts your H and he doesn't tell you then no amount if watching will help. I get a lot of advice stating that I should be monitoring his phone, computer and telling her H in order to prevent the A from starting up again, but I just can't live that way. All he has is available for me to check anytime, but I want him here because he loves me and wants this not because I am preventing him from having contact with her. If I always have to watch then I won't live that way. If he does anything to show me different than I walk. My boundaries are very clear now. I understand why you look but she doesn't sound worth a second of your time and by the sounds if things she has problems in every area of her life and you don't need to be apart of. It's so hard to not wonder about the person that was chosen, even so briefly over us, but they aren't worth the effort. I see so much pain in your posts and I can relate to a lot of it, I totally feel the same sometimes. I think we are both worth a partner that wants to be with us and no amount of checking will decide that. Take care of you and I hope you have a good week. Holiday where I live tomorrow so mines starting pretty good:) Edited July 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 3
gettingstronger Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I don't check either- I did on dday to get an idea of who/what she was all about so that when my husband spoke I could see if he was whitewashing-the crazy thing is she is nothing like her online persona but I guess I am not sure why that surprises me- 1
Author Red123 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Well most people show their best or the person they want others to think they are on social media. I know that there are days I've posted something really positive but I feel like a bag of s$&t. What made you stop looking? 1
gettingstronger Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Red, I think for us our OW is a non factor as a person. It's more of a situation. She continues to intrude via anon calls and texts some18 months later. Her whole persona was a lie from how much money she makes, to the house she lived in, to the state of her marriage, to what she wanted from my husband. That probably makes it easier not to check social media as neither of us view her as a person in the sense that whatever it was she presented was untrue. Interestingly enough, she also made up fake clients to go see as a cover to meet my husband at her own expense on business trips. He was aware of this so it's unclear to me why he was surprised about how crazy she is acting or how much she lied about her life to him. A bit OT but hopefully it explains why her social media is of no concern to me.
Author Red123 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Yep. That explanation is crystal clear. Good for you, I think it's still a struggle for most regardless of who the OW is. 1
gettingstronger Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Totally agree and I have zero judgements on people that do check- none of us are able to do whats best for us 100% of the time in this healing journey-for I would dare say all of us, its not anything we thought we would have to deal with- I don't recognize me sometimes thats for sure- 1
Author Red123 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Totally agree. I'm a stranger too some days. 1
PachucaSunrise Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Red, As you already know, I'm on the other side of things, so I hope you don't mind me posting on your thread, but I felt compelled to give you some 'props'. You certainly deserve them. I honestly think this is a TERRIFIC thing! Nothing at all wrong with your response... In fact, I think you're one of the rare cases. The fact that you checked her out, just once, and kept on moving is absolutely fantastic! You should definitely be proud of yourself. Incredibly strong of you. Not only that, but it shows that you are quite secure with yourself. Kudos to you! Keep up with the excellent work! I know I don't have all that much room to talk, but when I read stories from BS's about their OW (especially your's, Torn), it never fails to blow me away, each and every time. I know what I did was wrong, and I'm not at all proud of it - never have been. But throughout everything, I felt so guilty and remorseful that I actually almost considered 'outing' myself as a form of self-punishment. I came SO CLOSE to doing that on FB, and to purposely leave it public so all would be able to see what a horrible person I was. Additionally, I was almost hoping that BS would do the same, or even put me on that homewrecker website. I wanted to be publicly humiliated. Such a warped way of thinking, but at the time, I guess I selfishly wanted to even up the score in some way. I was hurting, but I knew it was much worse for her, and doing those types of things was my faulty way of thinking I could somehow take some of her pain away. Oh, was I in a bad state of mind! Thankfully, though, even though things did get very messy, we all ended up handling it with as much class as humanly possible, considering the situation. And then, after all the dust had settled, XMM even asked me if I 'outed' him on my FB page, being that we have many mutual friends. That was one of many things that gave me the opportunity to REALLY take a good look at him and think, Oh my God... You honestly don't even know me at all. Talk about a wake up call! Flaunting, bragging, and all of the other crazy antics these women have been doing leaves me completely speechless. I'm so sorry that any of you have to deal with such nonsense. But thankfully, you all seem to be fully aware of just how nonsensical it truly is, and you don't feed into it. Clearly, you guys are the stronger ones, and walking away with your head held high is the best thing you can do. I also want you guys to know another important factor that I've recently come to terms with - I am not special - and the same goes for your OW. I could have been ANYONE. Sure, right place, right time, but that's pretty much the only reason why I ended up in my tangled mess. Had I been a few minutes or days too late in responding to some 'harmless' FB banter, some OTHER woman could very well be in my spot right at this moment. He wasn't necessarily looking for ME... or my personality, characteristics, intelligence, appearance, etc. He was looking for attention, and I gave it to him. I had NOTHING on his W aside from the fact that they had been going through a tough time, and I just so happened to be at the right place and time to become a fresh escape that allowed him to avoid his problems for a little while. ANY other woman could have played that role. Aside from being a temporary escape, there was nothing overly special that led him to 'pick' me, and the same goes for your OW, I'm sure. So, really, the hell with them! Let them continue on with their juvenile and desperate measures to seek ANY kind of attention. I know it may sound strange coming from someone like me, but they look like complete fools, and the type of behaviors they're displaying really does show their true character, and it's pretty ugly. You are all so much better than to even have to give a second thought to that kind of bull$hit! I really hope these women eventually get some help and leave you guys alone, once and for all, so you can finally find some peace and move in only one direction - FORWARD. I wish you ALL the best. 2
Author Red123 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 (edited) Red, As you already know, I'm on the other side of things, so I hope you don't mind me posting on your thread, but I felt compelled to give you some 'props'. You certainly deserve them. I honestly think this is a TERRIFIC thing! Nothing at all wrong with your response... In fact, I think you're one of the rare cases. The fact that you checked her out, just once, and kept on moving is absolutely fantastic! You should definitely be proud of yourself. Incredibly strong of you. Not only that, but it shows that you are quite secure with yourself. Kudos to you! Keep up with the excellent work! I know I don't have all that much room to talk, but when I read stories from BS's about their OW (especially your's, Torn), it never fails to blow me away, each and every time. I know what I did was wrong, and I'm not at all proud of it - never have been. But throughout everything, I felt so guilty and remorseful that I actually almost considered 'outing' myself as a form of self-punishment. I came SO CLOSE to doing that on FB, and to purposely leave it public so all would be able to see what a horrible person I was. Additionally, I was almost hoping that BS would do the same, or even put me on that homewrecker website. I wanted to be publicly humiliated. Such a warped way of thinking, but at the time, I guess I selfishly wanted to even up the score in some way. I was hurting, but I knew it was much worse for her, and doing those types of things was my faulty way of thinking I could somehow take some of her pain away. Oh, was I in a bad state of mind! Thankfully, though, even though things did get very messy, we all ended up handling it with as much class as humanly possible, considering the situation. And then, after all the dust had settled, XMM even asked me if I 'outed' him on my FB page, being that we have many mutual friends. That was one of many things that gave me the opportunity to REALLY take a good look at him and think, Oh my God... You honestly don't even know me at all. Talk about a wake up call! Flaunting, bragging, and all of the other crazy antics these women have been doing leaves me completely speechless. I'm so sorry that any of you have to deal with such nonsense. But thankfully, you all seem to be fully aware of just how nonsensical it truly is, and you don't feed into it. Clearly, you guys are the stronger ones, and walking away with your head held high is the best thing you can do. I also want you guys to know another important factor that I've recently come to terms with - I am not special - and the same goes for your OW. I could have been ANYONE. Sure, right place, right time, but that's pretty much the only reason why I ended up in my tangled mess. Had I been a few minutes or days too late in responding to some 'harmless' FB banter, some OTHER woman could very well be in my spot right at this moment. He wasn't necessarily looking for ME... or my personality, characteristics, intelligence, appearance, etc. He was looking for attention, and I gave it to him. I had NOTHING on his W aside from the fact that they had been going through a tough time, and I just so happened to be at the right place and time to become a fresh escape that allowed him to avoid his problems for a little while. ANY other woman could have played that role. Aside from being a temporary escape, there was nothing overly special that led him to 'pick' me, and the same goes for your OW, I'm sure. So, really, the hell with them! Let them continue on with their juvenile and desperate measures to seek ANY kind of attention. I know it may sound strange coming from someone like me, but they look like complete fools, and the type of behaviors they're displaying really does show their true character, and it's pretty ugly. You are all so much better than to even have to give a second thought to that kind of bull$hit! I really hope these women eventually get some help and leave you guys alone, once and for all, so you can finally find some peace and move in only one direction - FORWARD. I wish you ALL the best. Thank you for your words. I have no problem with you ever posting in my threads. In fact I always read your posts and find them very kind and thoughtful. The OW in our situation is certainly not as bold as others in fact she has never had any contact with me, and my H believes she doesn't view me as a person. According to my H she never believed they had an affair,because she says affairs are cheap and they had something meaningful after 2 weeks so I don't have to deal with her, but she has attempted contact a few times and has come back after being told to go away. So she is mild compared to others but lacks remorse for sure. You however, IMO, need to be more gentle with yourself. You appear to have true remorse and are highly unlikely to ever do something like this again. I also appreciate your compassion to people on here regardless if where they are in the equation, and your kind words for them. As people the only way we move forward is to be honest with ourselves, learn and carry on with a new understanding of ourselves. My H is in a very self loathing stage right now and also feels he needs to be punished for what he has done. I feel living with this pain for all of us, including you, is a huge punishment so no more us needed. I wish you peace and I hope you continue to forgive yourself. There is no way that you are a bad person with the way you respond to people. Please don't notice the spelling and autocorrected words. I'm using my phone:) Edited July 2, 2014 by Red123 3
tornapart2002 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 A little clarification...just because I was rambling before and didn't make much sense (not unusual for me): my concern is not to keep an eye on my husband to try to keep him in line. My concern is that I don't want her trying to ruin the progress we have made. My husband has been very happy, very calm and seems healthier than he has in a few years now. I don't want her adding drama to our lives and since she posts everything in her life on social media, I figure she'll post something there as well. Still, I am totally misguided and need to work through this because I'm letting her "control" my life in some ways by being paranoid.It's ot healthy and I know that. I'm putting efforts in place this week to keep me from checking up on her. So far these efforts are working. And what you've said here is part of that effort because it has me thinking a lot about why I do what I do in regards to checking up on her. Thanks Torn, I appreciate the words. You know I may not be able to do it this way if the FOW was as much drama as yours is. The one in my situation is married but I don't think her H actually knows so I doubt she would be posting anything about my H but you never know. The OW in your situation sounds pretty brutal and maybe keeping an eye on her isn't a bad thing if her H has left. But if it continues to make you feel this way maybe block and never look back. Part if me blocking is because I can't see her either, unless I unblock her, and if i was going to do that I can't re block her for two days. Considering she creeped my Hs employment site everyday, and there is nothing in there, I'm sure she would creep my FB so the decision is always very easy. This is just my opinion and I mean no offense by it, but if she contacts your H and he doesn't tell you then no amount if watching will help. I get a lot of advice stating that I should be monitoring his phone, computer and telling her H in order to prevent the A from starting up again, but I just can't live that way. All he has is available for me to check anytime, but I want him here because he loves me and wants this not because I am preventing him from having contact with her. If I always have to watch then I won't live that way. If he does anything to show me different than I walk. My boundaries are very clear now. I understand why you look but she doesn't sound worth a second of your time and by the sounds if things she has problems in every area of her life and you don't need to be apart of. It's so hard to not wonder about the person that was chosen, even so briefly over us, but they aren't worth the effort. I see so much pain in your posts and I can relate to a lot of it, I totally feel the same sometimes. I think we are both worth a partner that wants to be with us and no amount of checking will decide that. Take care of you and I hope you have a good week. Holiday where I live tomorrow so mines starting pretty good:)
Author Red123 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 A little clarification...just because I was rambling before and didn't make much sense (not unusual for me): my concern is not to keep an eye on my husband to try to keep him in line. My concern is that I don't want her trying to ruin the progress we have made. My husband has been very happy, very calm and seems healthier than he has in a few years now. I don't want her adding drama to our lives and since she posts everything in her life on social media, I figure she'll post something there as well. Still, I am totally misguided and need to work through this because I'm letting her "control" my life in some ways by being paranoid.It's ot healthy and I know that. I'm putting efforts in place this week to keep me from checking up on her. So far these efforts are working. And what you've said here is part of that effort because it has me thinking a lot about why I do what I do in regards to checking up on her. I'm sorry if I misinterpreted what you meant by the checking. That may have been some transference going on as I feel so strongly about not living my life like that and I guess I sometimes overdue it lol. I'm glad that you are thinking about not looking at her so often for your own sake. It can't be easy to move forward when you are looking at her and her drama. As far as her setting your H back he will have to push through if she does. I mean this with total compassion but he has made the mess not you. Recently my H had a freak out via text with me about how angry he was that the MOW was using the gym at his office. He doesn't work with her but she is in the building. She never worked out a day in her life according to what she told him, but there she was at the exact time he goes everyday. He left as soon as she walked in but was livid. Part of me was upset, but the other part if me was irritated by him. My response was yeah I bet your upset but this is one of the consequences of having an affair at work. The other consequences to us are far worse than having to change your workout time. He got it and said he agreed. It really sucks that these are the things we have to deal with now. No affairs no after affair issues. Sorry that this is something you have to deal with but hopefully she finds something else to cause drama about and leaves you and your H alone for good. 2
tornapart2002 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 You were fine. I didn't really explain well In my case, she will get bored. I've learned she's possibly already found another marriage to try to break up and moved on with another married man anyhow. My husband has come to terms with the fact she used him for many things and once she had what she wanted, including money to move her entire family out of state, she dropped him very fast. They still talked but she didn't stick around for him by any means...it is very clear to him now that she used him, but what he doesn't seem to want to accept is that he used her too -- for attention and an ego boost he could have gotten from me if he'd ever bothered to talk to me. He does know his failure was in not talking to me..he's already told me that more than once. What I need to believe is that he is here becausehe wants to be and he's told me over and over that's why he is here..it's not a sense of obligation, but a sense of "this is where I want to be and where I belong..." He and I share a lot of the same interests and care about many of the same things...way more than she and he ever did. I think he gets that his connections are with me, more than they were with her, even though they dated years ago when they were both just out of their teens. She cheated on him back then, I should add. it's what ended their relationship. I'm sorry if I misinterpreted what you meant by the checking. That may have been some transference going on as I feel so strongly about not living my life like that and I guess I sometimes overdue it lol. I'm glad that you are thinking about not looking at her so often for your own sake. It can't be easy to move forward when you are looking at her and her drama. As far as her setting your H back he will have to push through if she does. I mean this with total compassion but he has made the mess not you. Recently my H had a freak out via text with me about how angry he was that the MOW was using the gym at his office. He doesn't work with her but she is in the building. She never worked out a day in her life according to what she told him, but there she was at the exact time he goes everyday. He left as soon as she walked in but was livid. Part of me was upset, but the other part if me was irritated by him. My response was yeah I bet your upset but this is one of the consequences of having an affair at work. The other consequences to us are far worse than having to change your workout time. He got it and said he agreed. It really sucks that these are the things we have to deal with now. No affairs no after affair issues. Sorry that this is something you have to deal with but hopefully she finds something else to cause drama about and leaves you and your H alone for good.
Author Red123 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 You were fine. I didn't really explain well In my case, she will get bored. I've learned she's possibly already found another marriage to try to break up and moved on with another married man anyhow. My husband has come to terms with the fact she used him for many things and once she had what she wanted, including money to move her entire family out of state, she dropped him very fast. They still talked but she didn't stick around for him by any means...it is very clear to him now that she used him, but what he doesn't seem to want to accept is that he used her too -- for attention and an ego boost he could have gotten from me if he'd ever bothered to talk to me. He does know his failure was in not talking to me..he's already told me that more than once. What I need to believe is that he is here becausehe wants to be and he's told me over and over that's why he is here..it's not a sense of obligation, but a sense of "this is where I want to be and where I belong..." He and I share a lot of the same interests and care about many of the same things...way more than she and he ever did. I think he gets that his connections are with me, more than they were with her, even though they dated years ago when they were both just out of their teens. She cheated on him back then, I should add. it's what ended their relationship. Wow. She sounds like she has a lot of work to do on herself, hopefully someday she will realize it. As far as your H goes he must be there for the right reasons or else why would he put so much effort into R. I'm not a big believer in people staying for the kids, finances etc, all the those reasons people claim to stay instead because they want to actually be with their W/H. As a BS I had to think of that too when Dday hit. Do I stay for those reasons, not a chance. Most of us would never want to be with someone for those reasons so I'm sure your H doesn't either. He's there and doing this really hard work because this is what he wants. We split up for a few months and I told him he could go and we would work all the rest out, our kids aren't really young but one is younger so I assured him that I would never put her in the middle. He chose to stay. Your H chose to stay probably for the reasons you listed like your connection and your history and YOU. Take care Torn, I'll be thinking of you.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 From a lot of what I have read on here and another BS forum looking at the OWs FB and other social media is the norm. I looked once right after Dday, saw her really little cute children, felt really sad then blocked her and have never looked since. She is blocked on FB and my H shut down his account in an employment site because she was looking at it everyday( it tells you who views your profile) but I didn't look at that past the first time either. I think about her often, unfortunately, but I don't go looking for her on anything. I'm curious, is there something wrong with my response to this because I am not looking for her? Thanks I'm weighing in on this one a little late, but here is my take (I am a FMOW and a bs). With the business site you referred to, I did not want to delete my account because I get quite a lot of new business and leads. Initially I'd get views from my xmom and his bs and then they became anonymous. Of course I couldn't pinpoint absolutely it was them, but it always happened around some major event so I was pretty sure it was. When the time came that the site finally allowed blocking (thank god) - I blocked all of them - and their relatives. Low and behold? No more anonymous views. Coincidence? I think not. So he doesn't have to eliminate a business site, just take action. As far as facebook goes? I hate it. I deleted my account about a year after everything happened. There is nothing good that comes from that site. Heck there was even an article recently where facebook admitted to manipulating YOUR timelines and news feeds just to see how it affected people psychologically! It is "fakebook" in my experience. People put up what they want you to see - it is never a good indication of what is truly going on in their lives. It took me a really long time, but I am so glad to be done with that. There are times, I admit, I am still curious but if I get the urge to go look (and I could if I wanted), I just remind myself that it only does damage to me. I am the one that ends up feeling horrible. Believe me it is much better to not know. I figure that the universe will tell me what I need to know. Facebook? Social media? Sucks - just like affairs!
tornapart2002 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Your posts give me faith in humanity....I don't know if that makes sense, but in my case there is no remorse, there is not question she has mocked me and in fact just recently told me, without naming me, to "get over it..." because she saw some things I vented about on a social media site my husband isn't on. I was angry at her and I regret even engaging her, but to see "Get over it already" from her, after she is putting up post after post after post and telling everyone how she was cheated on and her husband is crap for doing it. THis is the second or third time she's been cheated on so you would think she would understand the pain she put me through. But she doesn't care. Only that the other woman is now mocking her...she doesn't get the double standard at all. Since the "get over it" post I deleted that account and have ignored her. She will never change and is purely evil in my opinion. Red, As you already know, I'm on the other side of things, so I hope you don't mind me posting on your thread, but I felt compelled to give you some 'props'. You certainly deserve them. I honestly think this is a TERRIFIC thing! Nothing at all wrong with your response... In fact, I think you're one of the rare cases. The fact that you checked her out, just once, and kept on moving is absolutely fantastic! You should definitely be proud of yourself. Incredibly strong of you. Not only that, but it shows that you are quite secure with yourself. Kudos to you! Keep up with the excellent work! I know I don't have all that much room to talk, but when I read stories from BS's about their OW (especially your's, Torn), it never fails to blow me away, each and every time. I know what I did was wrong, and I'm not at all proud of it - never have been. But throughout everything, I felt so guilty and remorseful that I actually almost considered 'outing' myself as a form of self-punishment. I came SO CLOSE to doing that on FB, and to purposely leave it public so all would be able to see what a horrible person I was. Additionally, I was almost hoping that BS would do the same, or even put me on that homewrecker website. I wanted to be publicly humiliated. Such a warped way of thinking, but at the time, I guess I selfishly wanted to even up the score in some way. I was hurting, but I knew it was much worse for her, and doing those types of things was my faulty way of thinking I could somehow take some of her pain away. Oh, was I in a bad state of mind! Thankfully, though, even though things did get very messy, we all ended up handling it with as much class as humanly possible, considering the situation. And then, after all the dust had settled, XMM even asked me if I 'outed' him on my FB page, being that we have many mutual friends. That was one of many things that gave me the opportunity to REALLY take a good look at him and think, Oh my God... You honestly don't even know me at all. Talk about a wake up call! Flaunting, bragging, and all of the other crazy antics these women have been doing leaves me completely speechless. I'm so sorry that any of you have to deal with such nonsense. But thankfully, you all seem to be fully aware of just how nonsensical it truly is, and you don't feed into it. Clearly, you guys are the stronger ones, and walking away with your head held high is the best thing you can do. I also want you guys to know another important factor that I've recently come to terms with - I am not special - and the same goes for your OW. I could have been ANYONE. Sure, right place, right time, but that's pretty much the only reason why I ended up in my tangled mess. Had I been a few minutes or days too late in responding to some 'harmless' FB banter, some OTHER woman could very well be in my spot right at this moment. He wasn't necessarily looking for ME... or my personality, characteristics, intelligence, appearance, etc. He was looking for attention, and I gave it to him. I had NOTHING on his W aside from the fact that they had been going through a tough time, and I just so happened to be at the right place and time to become a fresh escape that allowed him to avoid his problems for a little while. ANY other woman could have played that role. Aside from being a temporary escape, there was nothing overly special that led him to 'pick' me, and the same goes for your OW, I'm sure. So, really, the hell with them! Let them continue on with their juvenile and desperate measures to seek ANY kind of attention. I know it may sound strange coming from someone like me, but they look like complete fools, and the type of behaviors they're displaying really does show their true character, and it's pretty ugly. You are all so much better than to even have to give a second thought to that kind of bull$hit! I really hope these women eventually get some help and leave you guys alone, once and for all, so you can finally find some peace and move in only one direction - FORWARD. I wish you ALL the best. 2
Author Red123 Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 I'm weighing in on this one a little late, but here is my take (I am a FMOW and a bs). With the business site you referred to, I did not want to delete my account because I get quite a lot of new business and leads. Initially I'd get views from my xmom and his bs and then they became anonymous. Of course I couldn't pinpoint absolutely it was them, but it always happened around some major event so I was pretty sure it was. When the time came that the site finally allowed blocking (thank god) - I blocked all of them - and their relatives. Low and behold? No more anonymous views. Coincidence? I think not. So he doesn't have to eliminate a business site, just take action. As far as facebook goes? I hate it. I deleted my account about a year after everything happened. There is nothing good that comes from that site. Heck there was even an article recently where facebook admitted to manipulating YOUR timelines and news feeds just to see how it affected people psychologically! It is "fakebook" in my experience. People put up what they want you to see - it is never a good indication of what is truly going on in their lives. It took me a really long time, but I am so glad to be done with that. There are times, I admit, I am still curious but if I get the urge to go look (and I could if I wanted), I just remind myself that it only does damage to me. I am the one that ends up feeling horrible. Believe me it is much better to not know. I figure that the universe will tell me what I need to know. Facebook? Social media? Sucks - just like affairs! Agreed on your final statement:). We didn't know you could block on that site. We tried when we were doing the mass blocking on everything else but couldn't figure it out. I told him that I read that it was possible and he isn't sure he wants to. But thanks for the info. She still got through with a couple of different email addresses but the last one was in April so fingers crossed we are done hearing from her. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) Agreed on your final statement:). We didn't know you could block on that site. We tried when we were doing the mass blocking on everything else but couldn't figure it out. I told him that I read that it was possible and he isn't sure he wants to. But thanks for the info. She still got through with a couple of different email addresses but the last one was in April so fingers crossed we are done hearing from her. They just added that feature at the end of March - it is something all of us were asking for and finally they listened. I want to preface this next statement by saying I am not defending her, believe me - I have been on both sides of this equation and understand the pain. But remember, she is also hurting and that is WHY she is doing this. People act out of pain. And your husband was responsible for that pain (as well as yours). I am not minimizing and certainly not excusing the behavior, but if it wasn't for his decisions you wouldn't be dealing with this. It isn't easy with all of the internet access. Years ago it wasn't as easy to "find" someone - not all it takes it googling. In my opinion it has delayed the recovery of these situations by months if not years. Hard to do - but stay off social medial - that's my recommendation. Do not engage, do not look, just ignore. Once I really was strict about that, for myself, that is when the healing REALLY started to happen. Good luck. Edited July 3, 2014 by lilmisscantbewrong
Author Red123 Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 I absolutely agree this was his doing, he is well aware too. I don't ever look her up, as I said in an earlier post, i have her blocked for her to stay away but also for me to avoid any temptation to look her up as well. I understand pain but since the the end of this very short A she has attempted contact and has been told to stay away. It has been almost 8 months since he sent her the NC letter and the actual A was only 3.5 including a month of no meetings and very LC. I get that she cared for him but this situation isn't like some on here where the mm had the OW hold on for years. She is also married with children and I have not contacted her H or invaded her life. The last attempt my H told her if she contacted again he was going to send her H all if her emails since NC started back in November. I agree my H is the reason this is all happening but she is responsible for her actions in regards to contacting when told to stop. I feel for a lot of people on this site and their situations but not her as she has invaded my life. I get the pain but as a woman in my 30s, the same as her I can't understand the persistence with someone who has clearly stated they are not longer interested.
tornapart2002 Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 The thing that bothers me? My husband never sent a NC contact letter. I don't know what he ever told her. I do know she has not been as persistant as yours with trying to contact. She tries to send messages on public forums, but we had to change our phone numbers because her family was trying to get money out of my husband when the FOW's teenage daughter got pregnant. It actually bothers my husband that she didn't try to contact him because now he knows that he was totally used. I told him he's an idiot. She usd him 15 years ago, she did it again, because he was stupid enough to let her and NOW he's pissed? Moron. I know..not nice of me to say, but I told him...who is to say you don't have another "midlife" crisis downthe road and do this all over again if she starts calling and telling you how important you are to her. I worry if I don't constantly feed his ego, which I don't want to do these days, for obvious reason, he wil drift to someone who will but then I think...if he is stupid enough to toss this aside for a second time, I don't want him anyhow and my children and I are better off without him. I absolutely agree this was his doing, he is well aware too. I don't ever look her up, as I said in an earlier post, i have her blocked for her to stay away but also for me to avoid any temptation to look her up as well. I understand pain but since the the end of this very short A she has attempted contact and has been told to stay away. It has been almost 8 months since he sent her the NC letter and the actual A was only 3.5 including a month of no meetings and very LC. I get that she cared for him but this situation isn't like some on here where the mm had the OW hold on for years. She is also married with children and I have not contacted her H or invaded her life. The last attempt my H told her if she contacted again he was going to send her H all if her emails since NC started back in November. I agree my H is the reason this is all happening but she is responsible for her actions in regards to contacting when told to stop. I feel for a lot of people on this site and their situations but not her as she has invaded my life. I get the pain but as a woman in my 30s, the same as her I can't understand the persistence with someone who has clearly stated they are not longer interested.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 The thing that bothers me? My husband never sent a NC contact letter. I don't know what he ever told her. I do know she has not been as persistant as yours with trying to contact. She tries to send messages on public forums, but we had to change our phone numbers because her family was trying to get money out of my husband when the FOW's teenage daughter got pregnant. It actually bothers my husband that she didn't try to contact him because now he knows that he was totally used. I told him he's an idiot. She usd him 15 years ago, she did it again, because he was stupid enough to let her and NOW he's pissed? Moron. I know..not nice of me to say, but I told him...who is to say you don't have another "midlife" crisis downthe road and do this all over again if she starts calling and telling you how important you are to her. I worry if I don't constantly feed his ego, which I don't want to do these days, for obvious reason, he wil drift to someone who will but then I think...if he is stupid enough to toss this aside for a second time, I don't want him anyhow and my children and I are better off without him. I know - like I said I was a FMOW and a BS - on my husband's side he never sent a no contact letter either - I have no idea what was said. He refused to send a NC letter. Because of his business and reputation he didn't want anything in writing. I understand that, but you always wonder. Funny thing happened today - his FMOW's brother and wife showed up in my office today. They had been customers once about 6 or 7 years ago - I was surprised and it was very odd because they know nothing. But I did get to ask a few probing questions because they were unaware. I actually have quite a bit of sympathy for her because if my husband told her some of the things my xmom told me then I get it - she believed him and in the end he did not choose her. It's so tough. Hang in there - and like I said, ignore, ignore, ignore.
PachucaSunrise Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Your posts give me faith in humanity.... I really appreciate you saying this, Torn. Definitely means a lot to me. It does make sense. It's unusual, for sure, but it still makes sense. But in my case there is no remorse, there is not question she has mocked me and in fact just recently told me, without naming me, to "get over it..." because she saw some things I vented about on a social media site my husband isn't on. I was angry at her and I regret even engaging her, but to see "Get over it already" from her, after she is putting up post after post after post and telling everyone how she was cheated on and her husband is crap for doing it. THis is the second or third time she's been cheated on so you would think she would understand the pain she put me through. But she doesn't care. Only that the other woman is now mocking her...she doesn't get the double standard at all. Since the "get over it" post I deleted that account and have ignored her. She will never change and is purely evil in my opinion. Each time I read more about your situation, more specifically, her childish and hurtful behaviors - I'm always left in awe. I know it's naive of me, but I still have a hard time swallowing the fact that grown adults behave in this way. I would love to give her a good kick in the ass, and I'm not even like that, haha. I don't want to focus too much on her, as she certainly does not deserve any more space in your head as you continue to move forward, but clearly, she is an awfully cruel woman - such a mean soul - and I hope that's something you will remember when she happens to pop up in your mind. I wish you didn't ever have to deal with her at all. Something is 'not right' within her, and I'm happy that you're able to see that for yourself. But, BIG PROPS to you for deleting that account! Awesome! That's going to be a HUGE help to you. And for YOUR sake, yes, continue to ignore her. Sure, you may think about her from time to time, but she doesn't need to know that. Your anger is certainly valid, but I really hope you never engage in her ridiculousness EVER AGAIN. It's not worth it. SHE'S not worth it. You're on the high road now, and that's where you need to keep your focus. I'm really rooting for you, Torn. Keep up with the good work. Oh, and in the future, when anger overcomes you and you feel the urge to engage her - COME HERE and let it all hang out! 1
tornapart2002 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 I was re-reading things tonight to remind myself I don't need to keep an eye n her. I think I'm so paranoid things are going to go wrong, I can't let go.Things have been going well, but there is so much about the affair itself I feel i don't know that I just feel very insecure and unsure of what my reality is. My husband swears up and down he's told me everything. There are no more secrets. He is also in the self-loathing stage. Last night he was anxious all night. Suffering from panic attacks. I worried something had happene,but he insisted it hadn't..he was just overwhelmed with all the bad he'd done, all his failings, he said. Anyhow, thank you again, ladies, for your support and encouraging me to stay away from her, for my own health. I didn't do well with moving forward today. I hope I can do better in the followig days. I'm having problems because next week is our anniversary. 12 years. Last was a nightmare.....he was so distant and I was getting my health back and trying to be close to him and he pushed me away and told me to go to bed early. He spent that night texting her, I found out later. Two weeks later I found all the evidence of him sending gifts to her and a week or so after that evidence of how long the affair had actually been going on. July is going to be a rough month in some ways. Thank you for your words. I have no problem with you ever posting in my threads. In fact I always read your posts and find them very kind and thoughtful. The OW in our situation is certainly not as bold as others in fact she has never had any contact with me, and my H believes she doesn't view me as a person. According to my H she never believed they had an affair,because she says affairs are cheap and they had something meaningful after 2 weeks�� so I don't have to deal with her, but she has attempted contact a few times and has come back after being told to go away. So she is mild compared to others but lacks remorse for sure. You however, IMO, need to be more gentle with yourself. You appear to have true remorse and are highly unlikely to ever do something like this again. I also appreciate your compassion to people on here regardless if where they are in the equation, and your kind words for them. As people the only way we move forward is to be honest with ourselves, learn and carry on with a new understanding of ourselves. My H is in a very self loathing stage right now and also feels he needs to be punished for what he has done. I feel living with this pain for all of us, including you, is a huge punishment so no more us needed. I wish you peace and I hope you continue to forgive yourself. There is no way that you are a bad person with the way you respond to people. Please don't notice the spelling and autocorrected words. I'm using my phone:)
Author Red123 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 Torn I think even recognizing that it's a bad idea to look her up is a great step in the right direction and you should go with it. She makes it difficult but at the end if the day you deserve some peace. I know the anniversary feelings I just passed mine, but I made it through as weird as that may sound and you can too. I haven't passed the one year of Dday yet but I hope to stay strong. I hope you can too. My counselor told me to try to focus on the work we have done as a couple and the positive changes. It's so hard to do because in my mind the A is his to resolve but that's not the only reason for the changes. I wouldn't go back to our old relationship at the end if you paid me so I try to look at that. I think we will always feel that we don't know everything about the A and we probably won't, but do you know enough to make the choice to stay? Or to go. That's how I try to look at it. My H claims I know everything too, but unless I have a reason to think otherwise I have to believe it. I always ask myself is this just me or do I have a concrete reason to think something major is missing. Is there a reason that you think he is hiding more or that of course you don't trust him yet. I don't trust my H yet either. We are working in it. I hope you have a good weekend. Take care.
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