coralsmith Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Broke up with my boyfriend several months ago - he broke up with me. A number of reasons behind it, mainly him being emotionally repressed and unable to deal with an adult relationship, so he panicked and ended it. Plus the fact he is due to go travelling in a few months. I was devastated when we broke up, but could understand his reasons. If he wasn't ready to open up to me, I couldn't force it, and I didn't want to hold him back from travelling. We met up after we broke up and cleared the air, had a chat. I could tell he still had feelings for me but didn't want a relationship. We parted on good terms. Since then, we speak intermittently. I asked him to come round to pick something up a month later. He told me he hadn't slept with anyone else, at this point I believe him to be telling the truth. Aloso, at this point, I had slept with someone else (rebound ONS with a guy I liked, but wasn't ready to pursue anything with). He asked me and I told him I had. We later had sex. I was fine about it because neither of us were seeing people and we'd been good together, plus still on good terms. I noticed he befriended a girl on facebook 2 weeks later (facebook, the bane of all breakups!). Didn't think much of it at this point because he was texting me the night he'd met her. After a few weeks I noticed on snapchat (social media again!) she was one of his "best friends" thus, someone he snapchatted frequently. I suspected she was someone he'd slept with. I gently probed, asking about her. He seemed uncomfortable so I didn't pursue it. I would bring it up every couple of weeks or so when we text in a light hearted way, but he'd ignore my comments. A mutual friend of ours warned me not to sleep with him if we met up drunk on a night out. I thought it was weird and it made me think he was maybe seeing someone, but as he never told me I came to the conclusion that he wasn't. I invited him round to mine to say bye a month after we had post-breakup sex, as he was moving back home. My ex isn't very in touch with his emotions. I could tell he wasn't dealing with the break up as well as he'd anticipated (at this point we'd been broken up for almost 3 months). We ended up kissing and fooling around. He left before anything further could happen. Things changed when I saw him on a night out. He was clearly very drunk and kept hovering and walking past the booth I was sitting in - my friends noticed it and commented on it. When I bumped into him later, I was worried and asked him to text me when he got home. I sent a text to a friend of his asking to make sure he got home safe. The next day he was upset with me, accused me essentially of sleeping with his friend (I wasn't). He didn't speak to me, without explanation, for a week. He would die before admitting it, but I could tell he was still upset about our breakup and embarrassed he'd let it show. When he spoke to me again, he said he'd just "needed a break from things". We go back to our occasional, friendly texts. I get bored one night and start a conversation with him. I ask about the girl again. He tells me he was seeing her, but isn't anymore. From what he tells me, they were a mutual rebound fling. I become enraged after doing some maths in my head. He met her a few weeks before we had post-breakup sex. We then met up and fooled around 5 weeks later. During which time he has texting me as normal. I get upset because this means in all likelihood he was seeing her the second time he came to see me, but didn't mention it. I tell him he should have told me if he was involved with someone else. He tells me he wasn't technically seeing her and she was probably sleeping with other people. I tell him i'm not upset he started seeing someone, but that I was upset he allowed our fooling around to happen and he was texting me during. I tell him i always felt I could trust him, that I thought of him as an honest person even though he wasn't my boyfriend, so I'm upset because I feel he has betrayed my trust. I ask him why he continued to be involved to some extent with me, when he was seeing her. He doesn't have a response. Part of me is upset he slept with someone else, but also the rational side to me knows that I A.) mean more to him than she does B.) it was a rebound (she'd just broken up with someone too). So I'm not sure if the anger comes from jealousy over that, though I feel sick at the thought of her sleeping in the bed I shared with him. I just feel so upset and angry at him and I can't explain why. I'm also furious with him for trying to act indifferent. I know the reason he continued to be involved with me, continued to text me and came round whenever I asked, is because he still has feelings for me. You know when you can just see it in someones face, when they look at you? I've put my phone down before I rant any further at him (I have never ever had a rant at him, but I have just called him disgusting and a sleaze). I'm also upset because I know this will be upsetting him and he's alone (I still care about him). Can someone make any sense of this for me? When we first broke up, I'd cried and gotten it all out of my system. I'm not totally over it but I am gradually moving on. I didn't do anything irrational or dramatic. I had the customary period of hating his guts for a bit. When I slept with someone else it actually helped because it made me confront the fact things were totally over with me and my ex. But now emotions are running high and I can't make sense of why i'm reacting so badly. Edited June 30, 2014 by coralsmith
hestheone66 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I think that in rationalising your disappointment at being rejected you have demonised him to the extent that letting him back into your bed was a way of soothing the pain and you are angry that you let him. You have asked him why did he let it happen when the question is why did you? Sex with an ex is fraught
Author coralsmith Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) I think that in rationalising your disappointment at being rejected you have demonised him to the extent that letting him back into your bed was a way of soothing the pain and you are angry that you let him. You have asked him why did he let it happen when the question is why did you? Sex with an ex is fraught I know that sex with an ex is bad... but we've slept together once since. the second time we stopped. I'm not angry at myself for doing it. I allowed it to happen because I was unattached, believed him to be in the same situation and enjoyed having sex with him. I didn't have expectations from it. I had come to terms with the fact it was over and that it ending wasn't a reflection of his feelings for me or a poor reflection on the relationship itself. Edited June 30, 2014 by coralsmith
hestheone66 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 The second time he stopped . I dare say you felt rejected again and instead of realising you two should only be platonic you are angry at yourself but feeling like you need to blame him for your poor judgement. I understand you are strong and capable etc but when it comes to love you are just as emotionally naive as him and try to use logic to understand desire, vulnerability etc. it is ok to know someone is wrong for you but you love them. Acknowledge this and you'll be able to let go from your heart without making logical excuses to keep each other around. You have contributed to this as well (eg I was bored and started a conversation ) admit you were lonely it will make a difference
Author coralsmith Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 The second time he stopped . I dare say you felt rejected again and instead of realising you two should only be platonic you are angry at yourself but feeling like you need to blame him for your poor judgement. I understand you are strong and capable etc but when it comes to love you are just as emotionally naive as him and try to use logic to understand desire, vulnerability etc. it is ok to know someone is wrong for you but you love them. Acknowledge this and you'll be able to let go from your heart without making logical excuses to keep each other around. You have contributed to this as well (eg I was bored and started a conversation ) admit you were lonely it will make a difference Well, we stopped because he had to leave. I didn't feel rejected exactly because I knew he wanted to. But I was disappointed that we didn't. I am aware I am emotionally naive in a lot of ways, and yes I do miss him and feel lonely at times. But the relationship caused me a lot of stress in other ways and I feel under a lot less pressure now its over, and I know he's not the right person for me. It hurts me that he won't acknowledge the feelings he still has for me, though I don't understand what this would achieve anyway, I don't want us to get back together, more because of present circumstances than because of how I feel towards him. I don't know why, but I just want him to admit she was a rebound because he was struggling to move on. Then it'll be ok that we almost had sex while he was seeing her, because she was only a rebound. Are you saying I shouldn't be angry at him for not telling me?
April Moon Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I'm not angry at myself for doing it. I allowed it to happen because I was unattached, believed him to be in the same situation and enjoyed having sex with him. . The problem is he was unattached to the situation while you were still attached. Since he felt y'all were unattached, he didn't think he should mention he was sleeping with someone else. Why should he? You didn't have to mention that you slept with someone else. Y'all are not together and don't owe each other anything. It is clear you still care about him. That is why you are attached and trying to prove that she didn't mean anything while you did. However, he has moved on and he though you did the same. Now is probably the best time to go NC. 1
hestheone66 Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 If you were both mutually agreeing to a hookup your current other activities are none of either party's business. Just as if it were a one night stand. As adults we accept there are consequences when we choose badly but he didn't do anything wrong well not in this particular context. I'm not sure why you asked him nor why you mentioned you'd had a ONS. He may have simply thought that meant you were cool with no strings which means no questions of a personal nature
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