midlifecrisis Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 Ok, I've got the general no-contact theory understood, and if my breakup had happened they way they have in the past, it would be easier for me. Here's what happened this time: * We had a phone call. She was treating me like **** the week prior, and it came down to her not being able to accept my financial reality (another post subject -- suffice it to say that she's used to being rich, got divorced, and can't deal with a LTR with someone in a lower tax bracket). In the phone call, she came out with it again and said she felt it was time to move on. I kind-of agreed with her, as we'd been hashing this out before, and I was finally feeling resigned to the fact that there was no convincing her that a great relationship is worth its weight in gold. It was a cell-call and we got cut off, so I called back and left a message suggesting we get together to finish the conversation. No call back from her. * I wrote an e-mail. In the e-mail I reminded her that I believe that two people in a great relationship should be able to deal with things like financial hardship and a lower-icome status than they are used to. I asked her to help me figure this out and not let this get in the way. At the end of the note, I told her that no matter what she decided (continue the dump or not), that I'll always have a thing for her and she'll always have a piece of my heart. * She replied, and this is the *exact* contents: "Blah, blah, blah. Have a nice life." This totally blew me away, as she had never, ever talked to me in such a cold way! Even on the phone earlier that day, it was a sad but very calm and cordial call. In fact, during our whole 14 month relationship, I can only ever remember her getting bitchy towards me a few times -- even during disagreements. I only have one theory, that my note just served to re-surface the anger she has over not being able to "have me and money also." She's actually gotten really frustrated over this before --- yeah, yeah, I know -- I should be glad to be out of this relationship..... don't worry... I'm getting there. Like I said, I can visualize myself eventually getting through this break-up, but I have this burning obsession-causing desire to find out why she acted that way (via e-mail) at the end of our break-up? I just don't get it, and I really want to understand! I want to find out if she's been holding back on a cold-bitch part of her personality, or if I actually said/did something to make her so angry!?! I did write her two notes after that (neither one got a reply). Note one: "Is that how you really felt about my note?". Note 2: "Well, if it was, then consider this a hearty 'Fu(k You, you have a nice life too.' But I still want to thank you for the positives you brought to me, and I don't harbor anger towards someone I cared so much for." So now what do I do? Its been two days of No Contact since then, but I'd just love a way to follow up and get at the heart of why she acted so evil at the end?
savethedrama4allama Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 Originally posted by midlifecrisis Its been two days of No Contact since then, but I'd just love a way to follow up and get at the heart of why she acted so evil at the end? Why? She has found someone else. I would bet my savings account on that.
blind_otter Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 Originally posted by midlifecrisis So now what do I do? Its been two days of No Contact since then, but I'd just love a way to follow up and get at the heart of why she acted so evil at the end? You keep not contacting her....you can email her, and even have f2f conversations for the rest of your life, and you probably won't get a satisfying answer. I asked my therapist about closure - because I had none and my ex is going to prison for what he did to me and one of my friends - she said, closure isn't about the other person, if you have a loved one that dies, you can't have any conversations with them about how angry you are that they abandoned you. I mean, you can, but they are one sided. Closure is about you coming to grips with the fact that that person will no longer be in your life. And learning to be OK with that loss. You will go through normal stages of grieving, and the compulsion is to try to assuage that bad feeling as soon as possible by contacting the one you broke with - but every time you talk to her, it just re-opens the wounds. Maybe eventually you can talk to her about it, but give it some time.
Author midlifecrisis Posted February 17, 2005 Author Posted February 17, 2005 Thanks blindotter and savethedrama, Save: Ouch! That theory certainly is going to make this whole process very painful! Why wouldn't she just tell me? Early on in our relationship she pulled back and told me that she wanted to date, and she was up front about that. I guess that I wouldn't rule out the idea completely.... did she do this to piss me off so I wouldn't find out the real reason? Blind: Yes, I understand the theory, and I guess I agree -- but I know that dealing with the loss is much easier if you understand why the loss occurred.
blind_otter Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 Originally posted by midlifecrisis Blind: Yes, I understand the theory, and I guess I agree -- but I know that dealing with the loss is much easier if you understand why the loss occurred. So why do you need to know now? She's probably still salty anyways, so let it go and move on, maybe one day you can talk to her about it but obviously right now SHE doesn't want to talk to you about it, so respect her wishes, otherwise you will become "scary stalker exboyfriend".
savethedrama4allama Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 Originally posted by midlifecrisis Thanks blindotter and savethedrama, Save: Ouch! That theory certainly is going to make this whole process very painful! Why wouldn't she just tell me? Early on in our relationship she pulled back and told me that she wanted to date, and she was up front about that. I guess that I wouldn't rule out the idea completely.... did she do this to piss me off so I wouldn't find out the real reason? I'm sorry if that hurt man, but I've seen it a thousand times. She probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings and look like the "bad guy" by telling you there is someone else (as weird as that sounds, I know) but as her allegience shifts to a new person it becomes increasingly easy for her to be a beast to you. Also, if she admits there has been another, you are no longer a backup- tons of chicks keep back ups. It really doesn't matter though- its time to move on. I think you can do better.
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