SparklingandBroken Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I met a guy on a dating website and we have been talking for 2 months and dating for 1 month. I had pretty much abandoned my profile during this time, and he said he never got on there because he "found what he was looking for." he sent me a message on there to be cute and I noticed he had added recent photos. This kind of bothered me, but I really don't know what I should expect because dating is new to me after an 8 year relationship. I didn't say anything, we have hung out since then and have plans to see each other a couple times this week. So yesterday, I casually mentioned that I disabled my profile. He asked if that meant he should delete his too. I told him he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to. But then he said he wanted me to tell him to delete it and stop looking for girls now that we're talking. I said ok, then yes you should delete it. He hasn't, and was on it in the middle of the night last night. (You can still view profile w/o being a member). He has made his presence in my life known on MY social media outlets. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals, or don't really know if I'm being unreasonable, etc. My marriage ended after years of lies and betrayal. I don't know if I just have a complex from that or if this is a legitimate concern. He is an addict that is now in sobriety, and has gobs of female friends. I kind of feel like the okc/tinder accts and female friends are a manifestation of his addiction...craving the attention and validation, etc. I really like this guy, but I don't know. Feels good to get my concerns out.
Candy_Pants Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 This doesn't sound good...on either end. If you WANT him to disable his account, say so!! Why were you looking at his account in the middle of the night? Just to see if he was on? Him not disabling the account after you kinda sorta asked, and him being online are not good indications. As for his former addict status, I have had terrible experiences with recovering addicts, and I'd hate to paint them all with the same brush. He's an individual. Talk to him. Openly and honestly. 4
Author SparklingandBroken Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Thanks for your thoughts. I checked today just out of curiosity, and it shows the time last logged in. I have major trust issues. I feel like I don't even know HOW i should feel about our status. Like do I even have the right to expect him to delete it so early on? I'm not in love with the guy, but I definitely don't want to get too attached if this is how things are going to play out. I don't even know how to bring it up without sounding like a crazy person. :/
marcjb Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 He is an addict that is now in sobriety, and has gobs of female friends. I kind of feel like the okc/tinder accts and female friends are a manifestation of his addiction...craving the attention and validation, etc. HUGE red flags here. Your intuition is most likely correct, drop him now. 3
Candy_Pants Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Sometimes you just have to tell people how you feel without being angry or expecting anything from the conversation apart from them hearing you. Start with, "I'm not sure.how I feel about us yet, but it does bother me that you still have your profile up. You see, I've been played for a fool in the past and I don't like having these feelings now, with you." Anytime you're honest and open you risk being hurt. But personally, I am tired of hiding how I truly feel. And I'm tired of worrying more about other's feelings than my own!!! Especially if that other person doesn't give a crap about you. People who DO give a crap about you will hear your feelings and try to ease your fears. 5
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Don't be afraid to express what you think. If the guy likes you it won't scare him away. Be open about what bothers you, and why, and what you expect from a relationship. I have asked men to delete their profile a few times. Last time the guy and I had a conversation about being exclusive. I deleted my profile and noticed his was still up after a couple of days. I told him : 'Hon, if you want to date me exclusively this thing needs to come down, now'. He deleted it that same day. I am done walking on eggshell around men. If you want to date me here is the guide book. Second: I don't think dating an ex addict is the best, especially that you recognize that he may have just replaced an addiction for another. You're coming out of a divorce things should be SIMPLE. He sounds like he's coming with some drama. 3
Daisydance Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 The last guy I met was through a dating website, I noticed he didn't log in again from our first date. However, at 3 months we had a little tiff and I logged in to check if he had been on there and he had that weekend. I called him out on it he said he had received an in box about an event and that's the only reason he'd looked. I after 2-3 months it's Definately a conversation that needs to happen snd both of you need to agree to delete
Author SparklingandBroken Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Has exclusivity been estabslished clearly? We haven't discussed that directly, but I feel like the things he says to me (plans for the future, meeting my family, etc) indicate that he's not actively looking for someone else to date. He sent me a text the other day saying "I will be here to adore you and make you happy until you don't want me to anymore." That doesn't sound non-committal. Right?
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 "I will be here to adore you and make you happy until you don't want me to anymore." That doesn't sound non-committal. Right? Honestly It sounds like what a player would say. Especially if you combine that with the fact he's logging online. 3
Author SparklingandBroken Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Ok, so he's logged in again. Should I say something to him before our date Wednesday, or should I discuss it with him in person? Makes me not even want to see him.
Keenly Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Well you guys haven't established exclusivity. That may be what he is waiting for. Have that conversation with him first. Wait a few more days. Observe. If he is still logging in after that, call him on it. 1
Keenly Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Also, disclaimer, I keep a billion tabs open on Firefox. If Firefox crashes, and then reopens, it auto refreshes every tab I have. So make sure that's not what's hapenning either. 2
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Ok, so he's logged in again. Should I say something to him before our date Wednesday, or should I discuss it with him in person? Makes me not even want to see him. I would address it immediately but it's my style. If something bothers me I cannot keep it inside for days. I would call him on it. I don't think he is waiting for a talk on exclusivity. In your first post he did say he wanted you to ask him to take the profile down, and you said ok take it down. You don't need anything else to call him on it. Or You could create a fake profile and message him, see what he's telling the ladies out there. This guy doesn't give me a good vibe. He tells you romantic things then turn around and log online. Also the things he tells you are overblown for 2 people dating for 1 month only. 2
yessy21 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 ABANDON SHIP!!! RED ALERT! ABANDON SHIP!!! ive been on those and if he doesn't delete them then he is not taking you serious. the guy that I am seeing... deleted his right away. said he didn't need it anymore. All by himself. 3
Diezel Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 If you guys haven't spoken about exclusivity then he can feel free to add 35 more pictures, just as you can do as well. Don't tell him that he shouldn't delete his profile when that is clearly what you want. You guys are playing communication games this quickly into it. You both sound like you have individual issues to deal with that are being compounded by being together. Have CLEAR and OPEN communication. Quit the games already, it's only causing confusion for the two of you.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 I'm gonna take some time to think about how I want to address this situation. Definitely need to clear the air so I know what I can expect from this. 1
Lipitor11 Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Yeah, like the others have said, until you two have that "discussion." And it would bother me too, I mean, common sense, if I met a great guy, I would most definitely stop looking..wouldn't the guy do the same too? Even without the whole exclusive-discussion. 1
Gaeta Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 But then he said he wanted me to tell him to delete it and stop looking for girls now that we're talking. I said ok, then yes you should delete it. You don't need an exclusivity talk. This is a verbal agreement with you that he will take his profile down. That is all you need. 1
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 I feel SUPER pathetic...but I went ahead and made a phony profile and I definitely am put off by what he has said. Ughhhhhhh. At least now I know, I guess.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Meanwhile, he's texting me "I miss you baby". Mhmm. I can see that.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 This guy is playing you for a fool. You had best get rid of him. If you try and talk to him about it, he will just feed you a bunch of lies. Female friends, active dating profile, addictive personality, all bad things. You've already been with one person who betrayed you, do you want to go through that again? You are right. What really irritates me, is that now my family and friends know about him because he introduced himself all over my fb wall. Ugh.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Oh, I did. My fake is "stunning". Asked if he ever met anyone. "Twice. Nice evening dates. Nothing ever came of either." 2
Keenly Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Entrapment? Nothing says a good relationship like this type of behavior.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Ugh, I know. I can't believe I did it. I feel stupid.
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