Being with the OW. No longer fun anymore. I feel stressed.

[Trothino442]

I'm 45, have a wife and a grown-up daughter and left my W for my OW and are now living together. Yet I'm still legally married to my wife.

She's 29, we met in August 2011 and began an affair, moving in together in April 2013. At first things were great, we had meals out, went out on the town together, had fun.

My OW looks a bit like Audrina Patridge; she's kinda hot, both the OW and Audrina, but my wife's got a bit obese, looks like Selena Gomez, over 20 years older, and haggardly, she often wears cruddy sweatpants and a croptop all the time, and smokes a lot. Basically, she's a Mexican-American Selena Gomez lookalike, can you imagine Selena 20 years older?

I tried to do new things with her; dance classes, dancing, take up new hobbies, now our daughter lives away from home, but she wasn't interested, was so obsessed with ebay to the exclusion of everything else, even work.

I paid the bills, kept myself in shape, ate healthily, but she just became obsessed with ebay and online auctions, leaving me to do all the bills, dirty undies and laundry, and she stopped having sex, all due to ebay.

Now things aren't looking so good; she moans about bills and laundry, she is obsessed with shopping, the supermarket kind that is, we're still getting through the 20 bags of nachos and salsa she bought on a whim, she often buys loads of food and drink from the supermarket in bulk, whether it be fries, chips, coconut ice-cream, champagne, cola, she's obsessed with eating coconut and ice-cream, and she wants sex every single night, even when Iaint up to it.

On the good side, she's loyal to me, her FB page says "I GOT MY MAN. TAKEN, GUYS. NOT INTERESTED. WHOOHOOOO, I GOT MY MAN."

However, my wife wants me back, says I'm having a silly midlife crisis, and said she's sorry for her ebay addiction, my daughter's still supportive of me and this relationship with the OW.

I have nightmares sometimes that I'm being beaten up by both the OW and my wife and them ranting at me, and I'm in the nude or my undies, and even have nightmares about bills raining down on me.

I accept, I'm a bad guy, am I a villain, or just a man with problems?

I'm fairly wealthy, well, middle-class, life was good, until I had this affair, and I need to get out of it but don't know how to, the OW's causing me gyp and giving me pressure, my wife is, work and my daughter seem to be the only good things in life.

A friend advised me to join here, said someone called pteromom (?) could help since they know all about OWs and such, is he right?

 

**on shared wifi, so rushing**

[RuralMama]

I think your best option would be to seek out a counselor who can help you think through what is going on in your life. You have complicated it with your choices, and it won't be easy to untangle it. Do you think you and your wife could find a counselor? What a blessing that your wife has such a heart of grace for you. Life doesn't always make us "happy", but we can find joy and contentment in doing what is right.

[notserene]

It's funny what happens when our escape turns into our everyday reality.

 

I agree that you should see a counselor so that you can try to figure yourself out.

[No Limit]

On the good side, she's loyal to me, her FB page says "I GOT MY MAN. TAKEN, GUYS. NOT INTERESTED. WHOOHOOOO, I GOT MY MAN."

 

This proves nothing, and most certainly not loyalty. In fact I'd be quite frightened by the idea of my partner having to write this to strangers. What for? What does she need to prove? Or is she just looking to provoke other men to try and chase her?

 

Anyway, I think neither of them are goodf or you right now. You don't know what you want and it can't go on like that.

 

I don't think you're a villain either. Not the greatest guy but obviously you at least haven't abandoned your daughter, touché. Your wife has an addiction and is letting herself down to the deepest depths, but even if you try to convince her to stop this it's her alone who can change that - and like most people, she most likely won't. Who knows, maybe Mount Bills has just become too high for her to climb alone.

 

And your OW; well, your "relationship" with her lost its juice. She was your way out of the relationship and now that you've achieved that you're going back to daily routine. This relationship isn't going to be fun anymore at any point, but it's up to you if you want to stay with her.

 

But may I ask, why didn't you divorce?

[veryhappy]

Blaming others...check.

 

 

Confused...check.

 

 

Two women maintaining a triangle...check.

 

 

 

 

Don't you feel king of the jungle? You did until all these bills and sex got to you.

 

 

Go home dude to your ebay obsessed cigarette smoking life because you cant keep up with Audrina whoever that is.

 

 

If you think the affair ruined your marriage, you are typically superficial. Your marriage has been probably in ruins for years, your wife has disconnected and got a habit to keep her away from you. Stop blaming the hot other woman for what happened eons ago.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry but what is your question? How to unmake the bed you've made?

 

You're new here and I'm going to preface my response by letting you know that I'm pretty hardcore when it comes to cheating and infidelity and therefore am not one to sugar coat my responses or offer you warm and fuzzy advice or support.

 

I'd be lying if I said I didn't smirk reading how you've come to realize that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. Affairs are often fabulously intoxicating because it's forbidden. Things always seem gloriously wonderful with a lover because it's so romantic, sexy and sensual, time together isn't about quantity as much as it is quality and most of all, it's fresh, new and exciting. Who wouldn't love that?

 

But guess what? New gets old eventually as you've found out.

 

I wish I had a nickel for everyone who left their spouse for their lover only to have found that they basically replicated what they had with their spouse, with the added poverty and child custody drama of a post-divorce lifestyle.

 

And what often happens is the realization that spouses are usually not as bad as they seem. After all, the person who is cheating is withdrawing energy from their marriage and has alleviated their guilt by bad-mouthing or bad-thinking their spouse. But when people work on their marriage and put the lover by the wayside, they're often very surprised at how much things can improve.

 

Now onto another observation I had about your opening post; I find it very interesting how you run on and on making sure to go into great detail about the physical attributes of both your wife and OW as well as all their bad habits but say NOTHING regarding each their character. You say nothing of the qualities and other lovely attributes that drew you to them in the first place that is separate from how they look and which celebrities they most resemble.

 

*Yawn*

 

If I'm honest, you seem extremely shallow which might account for the sticky situation you've found yourself in right now.

 

You're right about one thing, you are the bad guy in this particular situation and one that clearly seems to be going through the quintessential mid-life crisis. You've made your bed and now can't seem to enjoy sleeping in it anymore. So much for thinking with your c*ck.

 

I'm in agreement with the others who advise you to seek some therapy because you definitely have some serious issues to work through before you can even come close to being the man both your wife and daughter deserve you to be.

 

I for one would never take you back.

 

And don't make another thoughtless mistake on who to choose as you selfishly play a game of eeny meeny miny moe.

 

Good luck.

Edited June 30, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[Scorpio Chick]

I'm sorry but what is your question? How to unmake the bed you've made?

 

You're new here and I'm going to preface my response by letting you know that I'm pretty hardcore when it comes to cheating and infidelity and therefore am not one to sugar coat my responses or offer you warm and fuzzy advice or support.

 

Loveshack may as well use your entire response as the one to automatically respond to posts like this poster. I love it! Excellent, excellent.

[snappytomcat]

I'm sorry but what is your question? How to unmake the bed you've made?

 

You're new here and I'm going to preface my response by letting you know that I'm pretty hardcore when it comes to cheating and infidelity and therefore am not one to sugar coat my responses or offer you warm and fuzzy advice or support.

 

I'd be lying if I said I didn't smirk reading how you've come to realize that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. Affairs are often fabulously intoxicating because it's forbidden. Things always seem gloriously wonderful with a lover because it's so romantic, sexy and sensual, time together isn't about quantity as much as it is quality and most of all, it's fresh, new and exciting. Who wouldn't love that?

 

But guess what? New gets old eventually as you've found out.

 

I wish I had a nickel for everyone who left their spouse for their lover only to have found that they basically replicated what they had with their spouse, with the added poverty and child custody drama of a post-divorce lifestyle.

 

And what often happens is the realization that spouses are usually not as bad as they seem. After all, the person who is cheating is withdrawing energy from their marriage and has alleviated their guilt by bad-mouthing or bad-thinking their spouse. But when people work on their marriage and put the lover by the wayside, they're often very surprised at how much things can improve.

 

Now onto another observation I had about your opening post; I find it very interesting how you run on and on making sure to go into great detail about the physical attributes of both your wife and OW as well as all their bad habits but say NOTHING regarding each their character. You say nothing of the qualities and other lovely attributes that drew you to them in the first place that is separate from how they look and which celebrities they most resemble.

 

*Yawn*

 

If I'm honest, you seem extremely shallow which might account for the sticky situation you've found yourself in right now.

 

You're right about one thing, you are the bad guy in this particular situation and one that clearly seems to be going through the quintessential mid-life crisis. You've made your bed and now can't seem to enjoy sleeping in it anymore. So much for thinking with your c*ck.

 

I'm in agreement with the others who advise you to seek some therapy because you definitely have some serious issues to work through before you can even come close to being the man both your wife and daughter deserve you to be.

 

I for one would never take you back.

 

And don't make another thoughtless mistake on who to choose as you selfishly play a game of eeny meeny miny moe.

 

Good luck.

michelle ma belle

im totally straight,but can I say I have a girl crush on you,i love reading all your posts

[mrloverman]

If you're unhappy then move on. See if she'll accept a settlement of a couple bags of nachos, coconut flavored ice cream, and a month's supply of Koolaid.

 

Your post is hilarious and evoked cravings for junk food. You should get these women together and start a reality TV show centered around sugary foods and obese women in yoga pants.

[Trothino442]

Now onto another observation I had about your opening post; I find it very interesting how you run on and on making sure to go into great detail about the physical attributes of both your wife and OW as well as all their bad habits but say NOTHING regarding each their character. You say nothing of the qualities and other lovely attributes that drew you to them in the first place that is separate from how they look and which celebrities they most resemble.

I don't blame you, you were bluntly honest, to a point. I needed that reality check.

I did describe a bit of their character, but since you wanted to know;

My wife was always a sunny, optimsitic happy-go-lucky type girl; liked her socialising, cookery, margaritas, and spending time with the family and friends. She's very gentle too, in nature. People like her, and she was popular. I liked her not just because of her looks, but her personality too, she worked in a restaurant in Vermont when I met her.

As for the OW, she's fairly similar too, in personality terms, except she loves her food, really loves it, consuming it, not cooking it, unlike my wife, but she prefers eating out and going on the town in contrast to my wife's socialising with family and friends. The OW does have a friendly, fun personality, and is also gentle as well.

I should add that I moved from Burlington, VT to Houston, TX to be with this OW - going from a Buick dealer there to working at a Chrysler/Dodge dealer in Houston. Bit of a risk, but I guess I knew it was dangerous when I took on the OW as an affair partner.

In reply to a question:

This proves nothing, and most certainly not loyalty. In fact I'd be quite frightened by the idea of my partner having to write this to strangers. What for? What does she need to prove? Or is she just looking to provoke other men to try and chase her?

Oh, and as for that FB message I posted:

I GOT MY MAN. TAKEN, GUYS. NOT INTERESTED. WHOOHOOOO, I GOT MY MAN.

it was because a guy tried to flirt with her on there, but she told him to back off and de-friended him, and 5 others - seen her FB friends list, only 3 guys on there, most of them are women around her age or in their 40s,50s. She deleted 10 guys in all from it after she found out they wanted her for sex, sending her raunchy, obscene messages, which she hated. In contrast, my wife and daughter dont use FB at all.

What I should add, is the OW is also suggesting I leave my wife, and that I shouldn't have lied to her about being separated.

[Owl]

The question still remains unanswered...

 

What is it you're hoping to learn/gain here on LS? What 'support' are you asking us to provide you with?

 

What's your question/conflict that you'd like us to help you sort through?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Oh, and as for that FB message I posted:

 

"I GOT MY MAN. TAKEN, GUYS. NOT INTERESTED. WHOOHOOOO, I GOT MY MAN."

 

it was because a guy tried to flirt with her on there, but she told him to back off and de-friended him, and 5 others - seen her FB friends list, only 3 guys on there, most of them are women around her age or in their 40s,50s. She deleted 10 guys in all from it after she found out they wanted her for sex, sending her raunchy, obscene messages, which she hated. In contrast, my wife and daughter dont use FB at all.

 

What I should add, is the OW is also suggesting I leave my wife, and that I shouldn't have lied to her about being separated.

 

I'm sorry but anyone who has a bunch of pervy, sexually aggressive men all pining to f*ck them as their "friends" on FB should say it all about this woman. Pathetic. And what is even more disturbing is that you don't even see it.

 

Instead, you appear to see it as something cute. Something to be proud of. You probably enjoy how she's laying claim to her man. A bit of ego stroking perhaps for an old man like yourself.

 

I'm sorry but what 29 year old behaves like?! I certainly don't know any.

 

And please don't try and make this OW out to be someone with a conscience or moral compass because she's NOT and either are you. You both are acting like selfish and reckless teenagers. The more I read the things you say and even HOW you say it, you might just be a perfect match.

 

I'm actually very curious how the two of you met? How exactly did your affair start?

[Trothino442]

Yes, I admit 100 percent I was a douchebag. OK so I had no conscience, but I can change cant I? As for how we met, she was a tourist up in Vermont, with a group of girlfriends, when I was down at the bar, she said she found my accent cute, began flirting with me, the affair kicked off in 2011.

I was working for a Buick dealer at the time, was earning good money, was in a managerial position, our affair began discreetly.

As for her FB friends, well I dont have an account, so I wouldnt have known.

My wife wants a reconciliation and sent me several emails about it.

Also, my daughter's coming down this weekend,she says, so wants to be with me and the OW, says it'll be a good weekend.

I think I've learnt my lesson as far as grass is greener be carefiul what you wish for, and Ive been a complete idiot.

The OW's been moaning about bills and laundry lot to me today, my day off from work, she's been harassing me for sex, and ate 2 Big Macs and was eating, like, 5 bowls of coconut ice-cream today, and wanted me to buy her more from the supermarket.

She now wants to move to Vermont with me, and leave her career, friends the whole 9 yards.

My whole problem is I brought this on myself... so I don't know what to do. Head's spinning as I write this.

[lollipopspot]

You weren't happy with your wife. And you're not happy with your girlfriend.

 

My advice to you is to just take a break from them both, and figure out what you want. You can tell the new girlfriend you made a mistake and you shouldn't have jumped from a marriage directly to a new relationship, without sorting yourself out first.

 

If your wife is serious about changing, and you still feel love for her, it might be good to go back to your old town if you can get your job back, and live in separate residences and get some marital counseling. Or maybe it's just time to move on. Your daughter is grown so there isn't a need to keep the family together for her, but if you feel the desire to work on it and your wife is willing, it might work out.

 

But I don't see the need to stay with this new lady.

 

My thought from reading your post is that you need to be more clear, conscious, and responsible about what you need and expect from relationships. You may not even know yourself. Maybe counseling could help with that, or really thinking it through. But if you continue on like this, you are going to hurt people because probably things go along and you don't communicate well, until you decide it's too much and leave.

[WakingUp]

Im sorry but two Big Macs and five bowls of coconut ice cream....

 

 

Did she harass you for sex before, during or after this healthy little snack?

 

 

Sounds to me like you have made a big mistake. Yet I don't recall you saying anywhere that you truly love anyone.

 

 

So maybe its time you were alone for a while. Its possible these two women are shopping and eating to compensate for what is lacking in their relationships with you. Let them go. It doesn't sound like anyone is happy.

 

 

You seem more interested in your lifestyle than your partnerships.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Im sorry but two Big Macs and five bowls of coconut ice cream....

 

 

Did she harass you for sex before, during or after this healthy little snack?

 

 

Sounds to me like you have made a big mistake. Yet I don't recall you saying anywhere that you truly love anyone.

 

 

So maybe its time you were alone for a while. Its possible these two women are shopping and eating to compensate for what is lacking in their relationships with you. Let them go. It doesn't sound like anyone is happy.

 

 

You seem more interested in your lifestyle than your partnerships.

 

Excellent response and some great points made. Take note OP. Wise words.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe you need to be on your own with NO woman in your life, to figure things out. To leave your wife and daughter for the OW then create a new life so quickly isn't healthy and that rarely works out. As you see now... The honeymoon phase of your A is over, reality has hit and the OW and your relationship isn't what you thought it would be.

 

People need to be on their own between relationships.. So they can heal and grow, then be ready for a new R without the emotional baggage. You really didn't grieve the loss of your previous life with your wife, you just up and left.

 

All the issues you have with your wife are still and now you have tons of issues with your OW/girlfriend.

 

Get some counseling, sort "you" out, and be on your own. Hopefully you'll figure out which woman you want or maybe you'll be happier by yourself.