Brittany26 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Hello, I am new to the dating world. I'm 27, been married for 5 years and was with him for almost 12. So needless to say, I have no clue and am learning more and more every day about dating. My husband left and got his own apartment literally within a 1 week span of me knowing anything at all was wrong. We separated in October and our divorce is filed. He moved out of our home that we owned into the apartment with my ex friend (we were pretty close btw and she looks like me!) and they are expecting a baby in November.. Now onto the present... Beginning of March I started talking to a guy we will call him Bob.. and we were officially together shortly after our first date. Long story short 2 months later he went back to doing drugs that he had been clean from for 8 months. So we are no longer together, but when we were it was like I almost immediately fell for him. He was everything I wanted, completely swept me off of my feet. (I had hung out with other guys since the separation, but this was the only serious one). I was completely smitten with him, he made me so happy and I was truly the happiest I had been since the separation.. So now I have my guard up a lot more, trying to make sure I don't let this happen to me again. Have I mentioned I don't know what I'm doing? haha. So anyway it's been almost 2 months since me and Bob split up. I went on a date with a guy Saturday night, he's a good guy and I like him. But I don't feel what I felt with Bob. I'm attracted to this guy and he seems like a genuine good person and I enjoy talking and hanging out with him. But it feels different than things did with Bob, from the beginning I felt electricity with Bob and I truly felt alive, he was the funniest person I had ever met in my life and there was just something about him that I was so pulled in by. And I miss that feeling. So my question is... what do you look for feelings wise when dating? Do you feel like there should be that instant spark or electricity? Or is it more normal to feel how I feel with the guy I've went on 2 dates with? I have my guard up and I don't want to fall for anyone so fast ever again, and I'm trying to figure out if I'm just missing something with this new guy or it's normal to just be like hey I like him, he's cool, I want to see him again, get to know him a lot better, get used to him and being comfortable around him and see where things go... I know I probably shouldn't expect that feeling I had with Bob with everyone right? Y'all I'm clueless and honestly not sure what I'm supposed to feel when dating. Can anyone help?! : ) Edited June 30, 2014 by Brittany26
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Some people need that instant spark. I am one of them Other people prefer to build something more gradually. The key is to know yourself. What do you feel / want / need? If you aren't getting it, move on to the next person. You can't replace the intimacy of the marriage quickly. You should be a bit reserved & let the trust build over time. Don't get too comfortable too quickly. 1
Assasda Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Yeah, people get an instant spark, but its not real. Its inflatuation. Then you get to know the person better, then the true feelings usually come out. The true person usually comes out 1
Author Brittany26 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Thank you both for your replies! My problem maybe is I haven't figured out what I want.. I don't know if I need that instant spark or not. But it does scare me when it's not there. Like to me it just screams this isn't the right guy! But Bob obviously wasn't the right guy either and the spark was there with him.. So I guess it makes the spark theory invalid.. I just love that feeling and it's quite addictive.. You're rightd d0nnivain, I can't replace the intimacy of my marriage quickly, and sometimes that's hard for me to deal with and get used to. Even though we've been separated for nearly a year, it's still an adjustment. Dating scares me, I'm afraid I'm going to make the wrong decisions and trust the wrong people. And let attraction to them cloud my judgement in if I truly like them for them or I'm just physically attracted to them. And I don't know what speed is the right speed. I know it depends on the people and situation. But I just don't get the timeline for things.. And there are no rules to dating, but I still feel like you can do the complete wrong thing while dating even though there are not set rules or guidelines. This is some complicated stuff, shew!
Author Brittany26 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Thank you both for your replies! My problem maybe is I haven't figured out what I want.. I don't know if I need that instant spark or not. But it does scare me when it's not there. Like to me it just screams this isn't the right guy! But Bob obviously wasn't the right guy either and the spark was there with him.. So I guess it makes the spark theory invalid.. I just love that feeling and it's quite addictive.. You're rightd d0nnivain, I can't replace the intimacy of my marriage quickly, and sometimes that's hard for me to deal with and get used to. Even though we've been separated for nearly a year, it's still an adjustment. Dating scares me, I'm afraid I'm going to make the wrong decisions and trust the wrong people. And let attraction to them cloud my judgement in if I truly like them for them or I'm just physically attracted to them. And I don't know what speed is the right speed. I know it depends on the people and situation. But I just don't get the timeline for things.. And there are no rules to dating, but I still feel like you can do the complete wrong thing while dating even though there are not set rules or guidelines. This is some complicated stuff, shew!
GoBlue Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Hi Brittany26 - Thanks for sharing and I am sorry for the pain of your divorce. Have you worked through the feelings of that entire situation? Trying to find joy in your life by turning to another relationship is not always the best remedy for long-term happiness. The results can be similar to what you experienced with Bob. A counselor or Pastor could really be helpful with the process of healing. Having said all of that, dating is like navigating a minefield. Take each step with caution and with the highest regard for your own safety! Ok maybe that's a little dramatic but there is truth in it. All of us are definitely looking for that "spark" but sometimes that comes quickly and sometimes it comes over a period of time. The key is to protect your heart by not moving too quickly (I think you know what I mean). The danger comes when you give too much regard for the "spark" and let that take you places you shouldn't go. Remember, as far as meaningful relationships go, time is your friend and moving too fast almost never works. Have you considered online dating? The benefit there is that you can read a lot of information about the potential date and make decisions based on shared beliefs. The person that you have been on the two dates with doesn't sound like a dead-end. Focusing on any relationship that has "spark" but no chance of lasting is a recipe for more heartache. Hope this helps. God bless you! 1
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