mimi25 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 My partner of two years seems to have a temper issue. We went to counseling once and even though it seemed to work for a couple of months, he went back to his "normal" behavior and did not seek more counseling. Small irritating things cause him to lash out but when it comes to one particular issue involving two women (sisters) that he has known for eight years, he becomes a completely different person. Yes, he punches wholes in the walls, breaks objects. You may want more specific examples: threw a glass of water at me because after watching a film I described it as "boring," has slapped me across the face when I told him I could not handle the odd friendship he shares with the two women, blocked my exit of our bedroom with furniture one because of the two women (again), and threw hot coffee at me when I gave him back my ring and told him I could not handle his lying (each time in two years he was lied about going out to bars and dinner with the two sisters and his friends, I have forgiven him, but the last two times I could not), lastly, when his father tried to intervene after he had been cursing at me (after I asked him to stop seeing the women), he got into a physical fight with him (we were visiting his parents for the weekend). My first question, is he abusive or does he have a temper and will he get better? He says I am too controlling and his options were either to lie to me or lose me, and thus he decided to lie in order to keep me, and continue on seeing these two friends whom he is obsessed about. It should not be any of my business who he shares his time with but it has intervened in our relationship for two years. He would speak about them constantly during the first year, their lack of attention has made him (a grown man) cry to me about how they rarely make time for him, they have used him when they need him, and he was in love with one of them when he was younger for four years (she never reciprocated the feelings). The other sister (the one whom he has never wanted to share an intimate relationship with), once sent him a photo of herself in an outfit when she was drunk and would call in the middle of the night (even though she has her own partner). I feel very disrespected and thus under the circumstances, I do not think it unreasonable for me to ask him to give up these friends in order to make me happy and cut away this issue from our lives. My second question: was he justified in lying? He says I am being an immature unreasonable woman for asking him to leave old friends behind for me? Did i drive him to lying to me about seeing these women?
Zahara Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) My first question, is he abusive or does he have a temper and will he get better? Yes, he is abusive. He has intense rage and that doesn't go away, it only gets worse. As evident when he went to counseling and reverted back to his ways. Unless, he goes to long term therapy, and even that isn't a guarantee. My second question: was he justified in lying? He says I am being an immature unreasonable woman for asking him to leave old friends behind for me? Did i drive him to lying to me about seeing these women? Who cares? The man throws hot coffee on you, slaps you, insults you, break things, punches holes in the wall, physically fights his own father who is trying to protect you and you're asking about the lying? That's the least of your problems. In time, the slapping and throwing hot coffee in your face is going to escalate into much worse. I am not sure what keeps you with him. And don't say love. Love isn't abuse. Edited June 30, 2014 by Zahara 3
SoPeachy Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 You said ...Yes, he punches wholes in the walls, breaks objects. You may want more specific examples: threw a glass of water at me because after watching a film I described it as "boring," has slapped me across the face when I told him I could not handle the odd friendship he shares with the two women, He is difinitely, absolutely abusive. He threw coffee at you and slapped you , that is a clear sign of physical abuse. I don't care what other questions you asked to find an excuse to stay with him but by hitting you and and breaking things you need to leave before it is too late. Google physical abuse. 1
SoPeachy Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 You asked if his temper will get better..NOOO it won't. 2
seekingpeaceinlove Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 YES he is abusive. The fact that you stayed with him and even had to ask us whether his behavior was abusive is MOST CONCERNING to me. You need help getting away from him and help with your self esteem. It takes a long time and a lot of therapy for an abuser to change...if they are willing. Leave now and don't ever look back. 2
Smilecharmer Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 He is abusive. This is not love. Get out now while you still can. You are already in an abuse fog, and soon he will have you believing you deserve to be hit. This isn't just a temper, he is an abuser. Please seek counseling.
turnera Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Would YOU be justified in lying to HIM? Then why should HE get a pass?
turnera Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 And yes, HE IS ABUSIVE. I hope you have left him already. Know this: abusers don't stop. They just abuse MORE if you stay. Read this book to understand: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902?ean=9780425191651
spiderowl Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 "My first question, is he abusive or does he have a temper and will he get better?" Are you kidding? Of course he is abusive, he shouts, threatens and physically assaults you. He tries to control your behaviour by extreme methods (being abusive and lying). His behaviour with these two sisters is unusual and it sounds like he is so attached to them that maybe they became substitute parents to him as well as lover(s). This guy has serious problems and you are not going to resolve his problems. He needs to seek help for them. Meanwhile, you need to make sure you are in a safe place. He is abusive to you while you are there; he is unlikely to be less abusive if you leave him. I think you need to seek outside help and counselling (women's refuge?) in order to help you see what is really happening in this relationship. No, he's not justified in lying to you. He could have said he wanted them to stay in his life and that is that, or tried to improve the relationship between all of you. Basically, he needs these women and clings to them for some reason. Giving them up is obviously very threatening to him. If you can't cope with them - and there's no reason why you should if they are having undue influence over him and it's affecting you - then think about why you remain in this strange and volatile relationship. The guy sounds under pressure (in general), and unpredictable. I do not feel you are safe with him.
me85 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 My ex was abusive. We were together (and lived together) for 2 years. I will never ever ever tolerate any form of abuse from anyone ever again and neither should you. It will only get worse. The longer you stay, the longer the damage will take to heal from. Forget how you feel about him. How do you feel about yourself? Leave him. Love yourself more.
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