Ex seems happier w/o me, I'm struggling

[fray5]

Hey all, my ex and I somewhat mutually brokeup around 2 months ago. We were together 1.5 years and I'm still trying to understand what happened and it's really exhausting me. I keep blaming myself and thinking where things could've gone different and worry I've lost a great girl.

 

We both had our problems/issues. Several months into the relationship, I ended up getting a tumor in my head I had to take meds for. I was on them for 4 months and during that time got depressed/anxiety. I never yelled at her, but my frustration came from the fact I got rejected for sex a lot. She had her issues with sex and said she wasn't sexual yet she told me how self-conscious she is especially after her last boyfriend was abusive. A lot of times i felt like she projected things on me from that ex. Early on, we talked about marriage and when I noticed these anxieties of mine i asked that we step back and enjoy our relationship and work on our sex life. She kept telling me she wasn't good enough. It seemed every week had an up and a down. She told me it was because of my issues and she'd help me. It seemed there was always tension between us. She ended up getting put on zoloft and never went to counselling like they suggested which is another reason I couldn't fully commit. The end was messy.

 

During the time of my treatment, i saw therapists- one told me I was a form of bipolar and gave me medicine that didn't seem to help. Once I finished the medicine, I stopped everything and started seeing a new therapist. They said I was adhd and had anxiety. My ADD medicine has been the biggest help.

 

Yet, with all these things that's happened I've built up a lot of shame and embarrassment. My ex saw me so weak and I honestly didn't know and still don't exactly where to go. She seemed like my ideal girl, but all the pressure on the relationship was too much. I feel bad for not handling it and myself better. I've ran into her and seen her social media where she seems happy without me.

 

What can I do to move on better? I got so fixated on our issues during the relationship, I feel like I still do the same now. Why is that? Thanks for any help and I apologize for the long post.

[fray5]

Also, I keep thinking she'll eventually get ahold of me. I talked to her last a few weeks ago and she didn't seem interested in talking. She said she needed to learn to be happy on her own. I apologized where I went wrong and told her I thought a lot of our situation was just bad timing. She agreed but wouldn't say much on her part. I asked if she was letting go of things and she got upset saying she couldn't think about that. I asked if she'd call me once she had time to calm down down whenever that may be. She just said that she didn't think that'd be good for either of us.

 

I couldn't tell if that's her way of letting me down easy or if she has hope.

[sugarlove]

OKay love, get a grip on yourself. You have to differentiate reality from assumption. You assumed she is happier based on what she posted on facebook because apparently nowadays, everything posted on facebook is the bible of truth. Does that even make sense to you?

 

And if you really do care for this girl, do you want her to be happy? If not, then perhaps it's not love you are feeling. I don't know if she is indeed happier than you or have moved on faster than you but from what I read, it seemed to me that it will do you BOTH a lot of good to take this time to work on yourself. When you start focusing on yourself, you will eventually move on. If you start focusing on the past, you will be stuck. Moving on is a conscious choice, love. The heart longs for the good times but the mind knows better. Control your mind and the heart will follows.

 

She has her past which she has to work on and you have your own medical issues. Sometimes, we have to accept that if we leave things as they are, they will eventually fall back in place.

 

She is not ready to give you answers at the moment, don't push her for any as most likely her mind is confused right now. Just because she seems uninterested now, doesn't mean she won't contact you later. Take this time for yourself, you seemed lost which is understandable but in time, you will get more perspective about the whole situation.

[fray5]

OKay love, get a grip on yourself. You have to differentiate reality from assumption. You assumed she is happier based on what she posted on facebook because apparently nowadays, everything posted on facebook is the bible of truth. Does that even make sense to you?

 

And if you really do care for this girl, do you want her to be happy? If not, then perhaps it's not love you are feeling. I don't know if she is indeed happier than you or have moved on faster than you but from what I read, it seemed to me that it will do you BOTH a lot of good to take this time to work on yourself. When you start focusing on yourself, you will eventually move on. If you start focusing on the past, you will be stuck. Moving on is a conscious choice, love. The heart longs for the good times but the mind knows better. Control your mind and the heart will follows.

 

She has her past which she has to work on and you have your own medical issues. Sometimes, we have to accept that if we leave things as they are, they will eventually fall back in place.

 

She is not ready to give you answers at the moment, don't push her for any as most likely her mind is confused right now. Just because she seems uninterested now, doesn't mean she won't contact you later. Take this time for yourself, you seemed lost which is understandable but in time, you will get more perspective about the whole situation.

 

Thanks a lot for taking the time to write that. I know I have to get my mind moving forward, it's just difficult getting out of this pattern I've been stuck in.

 

It frustrated me that she didn't want to talk to me bc I felt like she just didn't care. I actually saw her and her family a couple weeks ago when I was with 2 friends from church. They were girls and I started worrying that she might think I'm already dating someone else and that'd kill any chance of us talking in the future. I know it's not good to worry about that, but I didn't want her to think I'd move on to new people that fast. I never heard from her about the incident and I'm not sure if she even saw us.

 

You're right about us both finding direction. It's been so long I feel like I've been spinning without any direction. I'm still trying to figure out how to find this.

[sugarlove]

Again, to all those comments you made about what she thinks... all I can say is "meh, whateve's". She can think what she wants to think, but honestly, people are generally selfish, they only think about themselves. If she was indeed thinking what you assumed she was thinking, big deal. Is she doing anything about it? Nope. Case closed.

 

All these assumptions are messing up your mind, you are beginning to doubt your actions, your thoughts, your decisions. That's the reason why you are spinning, being pulled in all directions is confusing you.

 

Stop it.

 

The heart can be deceiving at times, especially when pride, fear and doubts get in the way. Think logically about this and start the process of fixing yourself. If she cares about you, she will come back, if she doesn't, you have move on. No loss whatsoever.

 

P.S. As the saying goes "Hope dies last." THe only way to move on is to give up hope. It's hard. But if you convince yourself she's never coming back, the assumptions about her will stop.

Edited June 30, 2014 by sugarlove

[fray5]

Again, to all those comments you made about what she thinks... all I can say is "meh, whateve's". She can think what she wants to think, but honestly, people are generally selfish, they only think about themselves. If she was indeed thinking what you assumed she was thinking, big deal. Is she doing anything about it? Nope. Case closed.

 

All these assumptions are messing up your mind, you are beginning to doubt your actions, your thoughts, your decisions. That's the reason why you are spinning, being pulled in all directions is confusing you.

 

Stop it.

 

The heart can be deceiving at times, especially when pride, fear and doubts get in the way. Think logically about this and start the process of fixing yourself. If she cares about you, she will come back, if she doesn't, you have move on. No loss whatsoever.

 

P.S. As the saying goes "Hope dies last." THe only way to move on is to give up hope. It's hard. But if you convince yourself she's never coming back, the assumptions about her will stop.

 

Thanks again. Everything you said helps and everything I get stuck on keeps me from fixing myself. It's weird bc it feels like that's the only way yet I'm holding onto this pain that I don't want to let go which is the hope. Even during our relationship I had this hope, hope that she'd desire me more sexually, hope that we'd both be happy and comfortable. Maybe that's the logical side I should look at to let go.

 

Do you have any tips on how to let go of this hope besides the one's mentioned?

[ProcessingThisBU]

P.S. As the saying goes "Hope dies last." THe only way to move on is to give up hope. It's hard. But if you convince yourself she's never coming back, the assumptions about her will stop.

 

Hi! same as OP, do you have any tip on your personal experience to help doing what you say? I mean, to give up hope? How do I convice myself that she's never coming back?

 

Thanks!

[sugarlove]

Well, I understand perfectly how you guys feel because a month ago, I was still clinging on to my ex and my past. It was awful, wanting to believe that he will return back to me and yet, knowing it might never happen. Looking back, I realised that the reason I didn't give up on the relationship was because I refused to see reality for what it is. Trying to convince myself to believe in the reality is hard work, I have to push the thought of him out of my mind, push the happy memories away and just tell myself I can do better. The ball's in their courts, we have to accept there is nothing more we can do about it.

 

Everyone let go of hope differently. I can't tell you how to let go of it because what works for me may not work for you. I gave him a window of time in which if he returns back to me, I will forgive him. 3 months is how long I allowed myself to grieve, and that window is over. He is not coming back, no matter how much I want him to. Also, the longer this drags on, the stronger I become in my heart that if he returns, I won't take him back because he has allowed me to suffer for so long. I become nonchalant to the outcome. Moving on is a choice you make for your own self-preservation.

 

I realised that my hope is slowly poisoning my self-esteem and my mind. I can't focus on my work, I was screwing my sanity up by thinking of all the what ifs and I'm disappointed every day when he didn't return back to me as I've wished him to. In return, I prolonged my sadness, my hurt and my suffering to the point I stop living. My hope in the relationship is misguided. It was out of fear of being alone, fear that no one else will love me better than him, warped illusion of how awesome he is and my innate need to romanticise our situation. If s/he left you, then s/he is not The One. The One will not leave you like hanging like this, she is not the person you need to be with in order to be happy about life. There will be someone more suitable for you, someone who cares more, all you have to do is let go of this mess and allow things to fall into place.

 

It's not a bad thing to hold on to hope if doing so makes you stronger. If holding on to hope is killing you inside, you have to decide for yourself if it's best you left the possibility of her returning to the Universe or to God. We have to tell ourselves that it's normal to miss something good but that goodness is an illusion of who that person really is. The reality is they don't value us in their lives, so we have to start valuing ourselves more. They chose to break up with us, so we must let them suffer the consequence of that decision and in the meantime, live better.

 

Let go. Leave it to the higher powers and try to move on. Second chances may or may not work but if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, well, at least we didn't allow ourselves to suffer like this. Wasting our lives for people who don't love us enough to work things out. Longing after someone will not bring them back, what we hope for may not be what's best for us.

 

LIfe change, things change, people change, feelings change, you will get through this, we all will.

[Griesfootball]

Hi! same as OP, do you have any tip on your personal experience to help doing what you say? I mean, to give up hope? How do I convice myself that she's never coming back?

 

Thanks!

 

They say to let go of what you love, you know like those scenes where the bird flies away from the family and lives on its own. You let go and when you do that is your hope letting go and they say if it comes back it was truly meant to be. Letting go isn't a bad thing even if you feel like you are giving up. The world works in a great way. Good luck to you all.

[fray5]

Thank you all for taking the time to post on here to help. I really appreciate it. I'm going to be trying to get my priorities in line so I'm going to try to shy away from reading the internet too much. My ex probably isn't coming back, and I have to move forward for my own mental health. I don't really feel like i have a great foundation for myself anyhow and need to find that discipline.

 

I was tending to blame the breakup on solely myself, but we were both responsible in different ways. I don't know if you look at this as incompatibility, bad timing, or what. I just know I have to accept what has happened, and learn the right lessons so my next relationship can be healthier.