xfxgz Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 My boyfriend and I have known each other for over 10 years, been together officially for 2.5 years and I would say that we have been a pretty happy couple. However, there's something else that has been bugging me. He has this female friend, whom he used to be really close to. Before he confessed/we got together, I often thought that they would end up together one day since I knew they hung out a lot and did pretty couple-ish stuff together. Back then, my female gut instinct also told me that this girl actually likes him and each time I teased him about it, he would deny and say that they were only just really good friends who will never have feelings for each other. It took about 3 months after the confession before we got together officially and after that, this female friend of his got really unhappy and eventually confessed to my boyfriend that she has liked him all these while. A month later, she pleaded my boyfriend to go on a holiday trip with her alone as though I was non-existent. I didn't really like the idea of them still being close friends because she obviously didn't know her limits and then their friendship sort of ended there. 2.5 years later, she still remains as a sensitive topic in our relationship. She hasn't exited his life entirely, as she would still occasionally text him silly stuff which I find totally unnecessary. Each time she does so, it sparks off a bit of unhappiness in our relationship. I feel that it's just one of her sly ways of trying to stay in his life. I can sense that my boyfriend feels sad and probably blames me for this lost friendship. It doesn't make me feel good that he's feeling this way yet I feel like I cannot co-exist with her in his life either. I have thoughts of trying to be friends with her personally but I also fear that everything might turn out even more negatively. Was wondering if anyone has gone through similar experience as me before? And if there's any good suggestions on how I should approach this situation?
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 What are you afraid of? He is obviously not interested in her or he would be with her now. Letting go of this need to control their friendship would only make your relationship stronger.
smackie9 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I have not experienced this for I refuse to date anyone who has very close female friends. I like a man to be man and have guy friends. Anyways your situation is not unusual. The best thing for you to do is to not only express your feelings about it, but also point out the how inappropriate it is for him to be in contact with her. Not because she is female, but the fact she expressed having feelings for him. She needs to move on and find herself a BF and stop with trying to hoover him back. Also point out that when in a relationship, there has to be boundaries. Things do change, and relationships change to accommodate a committed relationship. Tell him he needs to suck it up, that it's the way life is. Ask how would he feel if a guy friend of yours had feeling for you and was still communicating with you. There is no denying that he would feel very uncomfortable about it. You are his partner, you should be the one he is emotionally attached to, confide in, get support from, etc. It is not selfish to expect this from him, this is the foundation for a strong relationship, to bond you.......make sense? now have that talk with him. If he doesn't see it, then it would be time to re-assess your relationship and see if it's worth continuing. 1
smackie9 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 What are you afraid of? He is obviously not interested in her or he would be with her now. Letting go of this need to control their friendship would only make your relationship stronger. It is no longer a "friendship" when one expresses a romantic interest. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 he probably acts sad when she comes up because he has proved himself a good guy and done the right thing and yet it's still upsetting to you. Just another way to look at it. He has done everything to build trust with you and you still aren't giving him a break and some credit. Now I'm with you, these sorts of girls that linger around solid relationships are a b*tch! But if it reasonably not giving you cause to worry, then DON'T. Tell yourself because the facts support it that you have something that is stronger than she can affect and don't show jealousy. After awhile of not showing jealousy, you can rise above it. Good luck
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 He picked you. His behavior seems above board. He can't control what she does. I don't seem him reacting to her advances but he's not outright rude. Since he does seem tempted, you need to relax a bit.
Author xfxgz Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 What are you afraid of? He is obviously not interested in her or he would be with her now. Letting go of this need to control their friendship would only make your relationship stronger. Ironically, when he was with his ex-girlfriend, he did also tell her that I was one of those girls that he wouldn't be interested in. And let me make this clear, I wasn't a third party and we only got together way after they broke up. And yep.... It is no longer a "friendship" when one expresses a romantic interest.
Author xfxgz Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 I have not experienced this for I refuse to date anyone who has very close female friends. I like a man to be man and have guy friends. Anyways your situation is not unusual. The best thing for you to do is to not only express your feelings about it, but also point out the how inappropriate it is for him to be in contact with her. Not because she is female, but the fact she expressed having feelings for him. She needs to move on and find herself a BF and stop with trying to hoover him back. Also point out that when in a relationship, there has to be boundaries. Things do change, and relationships change to accommodate a committed relationship. Tell him he needs to suck it up, that it's the way life is. Ask how would he feel if a guy friend of yours had feeling for you and was still communicating with you. There is no denying that he would feel very uncomfortable about it. You are his partner, you should be the one he is emotionally attached to, confide in, get support from, etc. It is not selfish to expect this from him, this is the foundation for a strong relationship, to bond you.......make sense? now have that talk with him. If he doesn't see it, then it would be time to re-assess your relationship and see if it's worth continuing. I actually did mention whatever you said above to him before. His defence was that after 2.5 years, how am I sure that the girl still likes him. Yes, I can't be sure honestly. But she has liked him for a pretty long while, and the fact that she "tries so hard" to actually linger in his life still makes me feel like she hasn't gotten over him at all.
Author xfxgz Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 he probably acts sad when she comes up because he has proved himself a good guy and done the right thing and yet it's still upsetting to you. Just another way to look at it. He has done everything to build trust with you and you still aren't giving him a break and some credit. Now I'm with you, these sorts of girls that linger around solid relationships are a b*tch! But if it reasonably not giving you cause to worry, then DON'T. Tell yourself because the facts support it that you have something that is stronger than she can affect and don't show jealousy. After awhile of not showing jealousy, you can rise above it. Good luck Yep, I don't get why some girls just can't let go of attached men, ugh. I worry because they were really close good friends who have done pretty couple-ish stuffs together before he got attached to me. And I feel that he blames me for this lost friendship... Regardless, I think you make a point - that I should focus on the fact that I have something stronger than she can affect. Thanks a lot 1
Els Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 A month later, she pleaded my boyfriend to go on a holiday trip with her alone as though I was non-existent. What was your boyfriend's response to this? 2.5 years later, she still remains as a sensitive topic in our relationship. She hasn't exited his life entirely, as she would still occasionally text him silly stuff which I find totally unnecessary. Each time she does so, it sparks off a bit of unhappiness in our relationship. I feel that it's just one of her sly ways of trying to stay in his life. Who starts the 'unhappiness' in your R whenever a text comes around - you or him? If my guess is correct (#1 - no, #2 - you) and he has been turning her down all this time, then I don't think you should be giving him grief for it. If he was attracted to her, he would be with her and not you - so the fact that he confessed to you and got together with you while she was trying to get his attention, says a lot. It doesn't sound like he has done anything inappropriate with her while in your R. Yes she should be more respectful, but if he's not leading her on or giving in to her, it's not his fault. If the real answer is the other way around, especially if he went on the 1-on-1 trip with her, then there's trouble brewing.
Author xfxgz Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 He picked you. His behavior seems above board. He can't control what she does. I don't seem him reacting to her advances but he's not outright rude. Since he does seem tempted, you need to relax a bit. What irks me is that he thinks that I should be "okay" with him being close friends with a girl who has confessed her feelings to him before. As much as I can't be sure that she still likes him, she hasn't had a boyfriend since, so I can't be sure that she doesn't like him anymore either. And plus, she's still trying to be in his life by texting him redundant silly stuff from time to time. And yes, I am trying to relax a little bit.
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 That should have said, does NOT seem tempted. You don't have to be friends with her but if her contact with him is only periodic what's the problem? If he expects you to accept them being close -- talking all the time / hanging out etc. -- that's a different story. Which is it? How well do you know her? Have the 3 of you ever hung out? If not, I'd do that. You should look your best & "mark your territory" -- touch your BF, refer to him as My BF when talking to her -- but otherwise be sicky sweet to her.
darkmoon Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) be careful she does not make you argue over her, you know she wants him, i would be wary but gentle, and i would wait for him to be in a good mood, thing is she ought to be backing off and is not, existing on bogus naivete, cute but fake your boyf is not subtly using her to keep you on your toes? he might not quite see it fully, but she is spoiling your relationship since you feel bad what i would do? get him horny and then ask him to drop her, ask gently mind, but note that you have every right to take such control of your fate Edited July 1, 2014 by darkmoon
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Sorry xfxgz -- I just now picked up on the fact that he was "friends" with you while he was with his EX. With that info, his behavior is less acceptable because it's part of a pattern.
Versacehottie Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 well, I think you have to think of it like this because it's most likely what is happening: *he is not blaming you for loss of friendship HOWEVER, when you get upset and it causes drama in your own relationship, it makes him wonder if it was worth cutting her out of his life. I think people need to make sure that they are not "bottomless pits" where all the effort and right moves by their partner still will not be enough. By all means, I don't think you are being "bad" but an improvement on your end will help. The way he sees it, he has made a compromise (and getting rid of a friendship is up there with the highest compromise one can make) and you have to meet him in middle or he starts to feel controlled. There, of course, may be the tiniest bit of regret because this girl is an ego boost of making him feel desired. Perhaps, in your way, you should do some things that are an ego boost to him. Guys love this sh*t. After all, 2.5 years is a while and sometimes we get used to our boyfriends/girlfriends just being there without doing the stuff that was the traction at beginning of relationship. *I totally feel your pain. To no end, this situation is annoying as f*ck and there is no easy way around it. The jealous feelings are there and you can't just make them go away. But you can have some tactics that will help you control. Instead of nagging or causing drama, just back off and take some space without linking it to contact from this "friend". Fake it until you make it and then the feelings will subside. Also a very good tactic is do stuff together all 3. Ugh, it will be hard but important to maybe bridge it this way. *The last thing I will also say, is with jealousy of a specific person (ie this girl) there is a tendency to let that person become the "third" person within your relationship. That is not pretty or necessary. You have power to make her less and less important in your relationship by the amount attention given and not allowing her interactions to become fights and uneasiness that pervade your relationship. Why let her have this power? Give her very little "space" in your relationship because if you do she starts to take up real space. And you run danger of your worries about them becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also to help you do this, maybe vent here on this board but try to really limit it with friends/family and over time even here reduce or eliminate it. Reason why is because if you have thoughts of jealousy and then are "looking" for evidence to support your thoughts, you keep it on your mind and it grows not subsides. From what you have posted here, I don't think he is "doing" anything with this girl at all. And if he was, wouldn't you dump him anyway? So there really is no point to let "her" ruin your good thing with him
Author xfxgz Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 That should have said, does NOT seem tempted. You don't have to be friends with her but if her contact with him is only periodic what's the problem? If he expects you to accept them being close -- talking all the time / hanging out etc. -- that's a different story. Which is it? How well do you know her? Have the 3 of you ever hung out? If not, I'd do that. You should look your best & "mark your territory" -- touch your BF, refer to him as My BF when talking to her -- but otherwise be sicky sweet to her. Haha, I figured it should have been that. Right now, you could say that their contact is periodic. However, it feels like he wants me to accept them being close - talking all the time / hanging out etc. Some times, he would randomly talk about the lost friendship. I don't really know her actually and the three of us never hung out together before. I am trying to consider that possibility but I am also afraid that once they start hanging out together again, I will regret and by then I would not be able to turn back anymore. Just wondering if that's really a good move. Sorry xfxgz -- With that info, his behavior is less acceptable because it's part of a pattern. Could you explain further? In his previous relationship, me and the other female friend were actually sensitive topics. I knew about it and I withdrew from his life because I didn't want to cause him and his ex-girlfriend to fight all the time. And I don't quite understand why his other female friend couldn't do the same back then, or even now. When we were dating, my boyfriend also did share with me that there was an instance whereby his ex-girlfriend went away and then he went to meet that female friend thinking there shouldn't be a problem. His ex-girlfriend found out and broke up with him (and he was actually "okay" with it ). Although he did admit that he knew he screwed up, I also can't help but to think that he might do the same thing behind my back. And IF that really happens, what am I going to do? I really want to trust him fully, but it doesn't help especially when she's still expressing interest in staying in his life which I also feel, is the reason that makes him feel sad for this lost friendship. If she could just exit his life entirely, then maybe he would have gotten over her long ago too
Recommended Posts