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Am I over it?

HeartbrokenNewbie

By HeartbrokenNewbie
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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HeartbrokenNewbie Established Member

HeartbrokenNewbie

Posted
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I cant quite believe this but I think after 11 long shi**y months I may be over my BU..

 

1) Last week I had the realization that he was never coming back (yep it took me 11 months to work that one out! lol)

2) Friday and Saturday I felt sad, not missing him but sad for the 'end'

3) Yesterday I felt much better like it was 'gone' and I had a few to drink last night which usually results in feeling rough the next day and thinking about him allday

4) Today I feel great! hangover and all and no missing him! I went on POF this morning and was just having a mooch and when I was looking at the profiles I was looking at them for their own attractive qualities instead of the usual "he has the same eyes as my ex" etc etc

5) I feel like shouting from the roof tops that Im over it, I feel like Ive been let out of a net and back into the world.

 

Am I actually over it, does it just happen over the course of a week after so long, is this possible.. it feels great but unusual after all this time x

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Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
Posted
I cant quite believe this but I think after 11 long shi**y months I may be over my BU..

 

1) Last week I had the realization that he was never coming back (yep it took me 11 months to work that one out! lol)

2) Friday and Saturday I felt sad, not missing him but sad for the 'end'

3) Yesterday I felt much better like it was 'gone' and I had a few to drink last night which usually results in feeling rough the next day and thinking about him allday

4) Today I feel great! hangover and all and no missing him! I went on POF this morning and was just having a mooch and when I was looking at the profiles I was looking at them for their own attractive qualities instead of the usual "he has the same eyes as my ex" etc etc

5) I feel like shouting from the roof tops that Im over it, I feel like Ive been let out of a net and back into the world.

 

Am I actually over it, does it just happen over the course of a week after so long, is this possible.. it feels great but unusual after all this time x

 

maybe 99% over it but not 100% - when you are truly 100% completely over the ex you don't bother wondering whether you are over them or not, you just don't think about them enough to even bother asking yourself the question.

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LostConfused123 Established Member

LostConfused123

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I'm so happy for you!!! :D

innocentbutterfly Member

innocentbutterfly

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Yes what ordinary day said. When someone else starts to occupy ur mind u know ur over it. Its how I knew.

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HeartbrokenNewbie Established Member

HeartbrokenNewbie

Posted
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Yes what ordinary day said. When someone else starts to occupy ur mind u know ur over it. Its how I knew.

 

See I did have that at about 6-7 months post BU but once that was over after a while the thoughts seeped back in but this is different. Its like he's gone out my head and it is so nice. I would honestly say I felt the 'acceptance' happening, its like you accept it and then you let go x

 

I broke my glasses this morning which resulted in me crashing my car into the garden wall and Im still smiling.. I just feel free, Im not sure why I wasted 11 months thinking about him! I cant believe I made it to the otherside, if only you could prove it to those that are still raw... thats a horrible place to be x

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sugarlove Established Member

sugarlove

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Acceptance is awesome, isn't it? :)

 

Break up was 3 months ago, he occupied my thoughts every second, it was madness. I basically turn into a mad person, not typical of who I am at all. Ashamed? Not really, no regrets as I did tried my best.

 

When I woke up one morning, not thinking of him at all and not dreading the day having him popping up in my head was when I know I am going to get better. Whenever I smile now, it's not a fake smile to convince myself I'm happy, I'm actually feeling at peace with the situation now. Don't think I will change it at all, very different from my desperation 3 months ago.

 

I"m so happy for you to have arrive at this stage! Isn't it the best? <3

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HeartbrokenNewbie Established Member

HeartbrokenNewbie

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It is amazing!! x I do feel a bit of a tool for some of the messages I sent too but u know what; atleast we showed emotion and grieved which puts us in the healthiest place... Im pretty sure he never grieved he just went straight into another RS... Im sure that will catch up with him one day... I feel like cracking open the champagne lol x

  • Like 2
life-is-short Member

life-is-short

Posted
Posted (edited)

My BU is still fresh (three weeks ago), but the relationship was always up and down since it started in the fall so the actual breakup wasn't shocking or earth shattering. I wanted relationship to work and I was willing to keep working at it, but my ex-gf wanted to be free (GIGS) so the relationship ended.

 

1) NC has been crucial. In my last serious relationship before this one, I dragged on communication (daily) four months BU. This time I vowed to learn my lesson and I've been strict NC since BU. Helps a lot.

 

2) From the beginning, I was very clear to myself that the relationship was over and that I didn't have any hope to salvage it. I feel this is a crucial step. Even if my ex gf asked me to date again now, I would say no. I tried my best during the relationship, but she didn't want me so no need to waste any more time.

 

3) I've found it helpful to think back to previous BUs and to remember that as difficult as they were, I made it through them. In other words, I have the resilience to make it through this BU, too. I also looked back and realized that for each of my past BUs, I'm better off now not being with those ex gfs. It was hard to see this at the time, but it is clear now. So I try to remind myself that eventually I'll come to realize that I'll be better off in the future without my ex gf.

 

4) In my introspection, I've tried to separate out how much I miss being in a relationship vs. how much I miss my ex gf. I do feel lonely at times and I wish I was in a relationship, but I don't wish I was in a relationship with my ex gf. I journal daily and this has been very helpful and to read my thoughts from the first few days until now. Things are progressing, slowly but surely.

 

5) Seeing a therapist has been immensely helpful for me. I've been able to process relationship and look at where I made errors and also look at where I didn't (helps to have someone normalize). It's clear my ex wasn't ready for a mature relationship and I didn't respect myself by staying in the relationship so long when this was clear early on. My therapist has also used EMDR with me and it's amazingly helpful. I strongly recommend therapist!

 

6) I have a good friend who is going through a BU and corresponding with her has helped me keep perspective. She's been very patient with me when I'm feeling down or sad and I know that I can trust her and I also know that she won't be annoyed if I want to share how I'm feeling (sometimes with other friends/family, I feel like I can be a burden if I'm constantly sharing my problems/sadness about BU).

 

7) I've been reading the BU forums on LS multiple times per day. Reading that other people are in similar situations to me has helped give me perspective and also helps me to build empathy for other people on here experiencing sadness, anger, suffering, and pain (and those who are on the other side and are experiencing happiness and joy again).

 

8) Repeating daily affirmations to myself is very helpful.

 

9) I've been reading a lot of different books. I might start a thread sometime about books that have been helpful through the BU. Several books have been light houses to me in this otherwise dark, tumultuous waters of the BU.

 

10) I've been exercising several days per week and eating a very healthy diet. This seems crucial for both detoxifying (BU are so stressful on physiology so being able to expel the excess chemicals such as cortisol is so important).

 

11) Time and patience is the crucial factor. My mind seems very clear about the situation. My emotions and physiology aren't there yet and there is no magic way to rush them to heal. So I give myself permission to feel whatever I feel. If I'm sad, I cry. If I'm mad, I let myself be angry. If I smile or feel happiness, I allow myself to feel it. I know things will be up and down over the next several months and I will be gentle with myself. There is no rush.

 

12) I started a journal to my future love. I don't know who she is. I don't know when I'll meet her. But she is out there somewhere. So when it feels right, I jot down notes to her. It may sound strange, but it is a form of visioning and I'm surprised how helpful it is to me.

 

13) I've also started a journal thinking about key qualities, values, principles that I'm looking for in my next relationship, especially regarding things that I want to screen for during dating so that I don't waste my time or the other person's time.

 

14) I try to constantly bring myself back to the moment. Mindfulness seems very important to helping with BU. It can be very easy to get caught up in the past or worry about the future. When I start doing this, I focus on my breathing and try to bring things back to RIGHT NOW. THIS MOMENT. Focusing on being in the moment seems crucial.

 

15) Even though I'm sad at times, I try to make an effort every day to talk to more people than I used to before. I smile, joke, flirt, and engage in conversation with strangers. It boosts my confidence immensely. I'm friendly and more outgoing than usual and try to stretch myself to be out of my comfort zone. I'm authentic and keep my integrity in these connections. I think all humans are born to connect and be social and during BUs, our inclination is to disengage when this is the time that it is most important to realize that you are not alone and that there are so many people out there. Your ex was just one person of seven billion on the planet. Life is very short (thus my handle on LS) and there are so many people out there to have as friends (and possible future lovers). So it may not work out with one person, oh well. There are so many others out there. My ex-gf isn't the only person in the world that I can love.

 

16) I've been going out on several dates. I don't want a rebound relationship, but it is helpful to get back out there and connect with women and realize that I'm still attractive and it helps me to get my confidence back. I've also already found a couple of women who provided amazing contrast to my ex-gf and they have personality attributes and temperaments that my ex didn't.

 

17) In the end, I yearn for feeling blissful indifference towards my ex gf and more importantly, to feeling gratitude for myself and getting my self-esteem/self-confidence back to where it was before the relationship. I'm an amazing man and I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is as generous, giving, capable, mature, loving, smart, healthy, and happy as me! She's out there some where. I'm committed to working on being the best man I can be. I'm working on all attributes of me (physical, emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual).

 

I'm alive. I will survive. I will thrive. I will find love again. One step, one day at a time. I'm a magnificent man capable of loving and being loved.

 

Blessings to all of you going through a BU. The road to recovery can be long and arduous, but I know we all can do it!

Edited by life-is-short
  • Like 1
shoegal4 Established Member

shoegal4

Posted
Posted
Acceptance is awesome, isn't it? :)

 

Break up was 3 months ago, he occupied my thoughts every second, it was madness. I basically turn into a mad person, not typical of who I am at all. Ashamed? Not really, no regrets as I did tried my best.

 

When I woke up one morning, not thinking of him at all and not dreading the day having him popping up in my head was when I know I am going to get better. Whenever I smile now, it's not a fake smile to convince myself I'm happy, I'm actually feeling at peace with the situation now. Don't think I will change it at all, very different from my desperation 3 months ago.

 

I"m so happy for you to have arrive at this stage! Isn't it the best? <3

 

Ah sugarlove, this gives me such hope. After 1 month NC i'm beginning to see little tiny signs of this and I can't believe how far I have come. I hope to have the same feelings as you come month 3. Good job :D

youngandhopeful Established Member

youngandhopeful

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I remember the feeling of realising i was over an old love. I was told she was re-dating, and i had absolutely no internal gut feeling or care. That's when i knew my heart had moved on. Congratulations, now go enjoy yourself without the handcuffs on your heart :)

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