Eagle755 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I dated a girl for a year and a half, she's 19 I'm 22. We had a great relationship for about 8 months, then she decided to stop taking her bipolar depressant pills and she became a totally different person, and everything kind of went really bad. I stuck with her because I love her. So even though we were fighting and bickering due to so much anger between us, we decided to move in together. And things got better, then completely worse. Long story short, we fought a ton, and there was so much tension and I just simply stopped paying any attention to her. She broke up with me, and I thought nothing of it because of us living together and still doing bf, gf things and still fighting. But I came to find out she had slept with a guy a month after we broke up, twice, hung out with him a lot too, we weren't dating technically, but really?. I found out, dumped her, and left the apartment. She was destroyed, and still is(this was 2 months ago). She kept trying to apologize and do anything she could, she stopped talking to that guy, she stayed home every night doing nothing at all, just staring at a wall pretty much, while I was off having revenge sex with people and throwing it in her face, because I guess I'm an awful person or something, I was very upset. She stopped trying after about 2 week's of that, then decided to move to another state so she can fix her problems, go back on her medicine, and become a better person. Told me she wants to come back in a year from now, and start over fresh and move slow this time. She wants to be friends, but at the same time doesn't, because "it hurts to see or talk to me, because of how she messed things up so badly" is her words, not to mention she's a different person every other hour. Idk what to do really. I love this girl way too much. And she was very loyal to me, like extremely to the point she told me everything, and never even replied to guys, which is why I was in such shock. (The dude is ugly as **** btw, and sex wasn't the reason, just trust me on this) I'm thinking going NC but I'm not sure, she wants to keep in touch while she's gone. Any suggestions?
sugarlove Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 she decided to stop taking her bipolar depressant pills and she became a totally different person - no, don't take her back until she is stable. NC She broke up with me - She's the dumper, so you go NC she had slept with a guy a month after we broke up, twice, hung out with him a lot too - one month? She doesn't value the relationship mate, NC if you respect yourself I wanted to highlight a few points but there seemed to be too many things off with the relationship you had with her. Too many fights indicate incompatibility, the sex was great but the person wasn't. So move along!
Author Eagle755 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 You are right on all of that. Especially the no respect part. Im not sure how to initiate nc at this point. I kept going back and fourth from nc, to friends. Now we are talking as friends again and shes not being crazy. For the most part
sugarlove Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Love, you don't initiate, you just go into it. No need to let her know, trust me, she will notice. But if you stand on your ground, your perspective will change. And things will be much clearer. People don't change in a few months, unless they seek some sort of therapy or if they have a mental issue, be compliant with their meds. Just saying it doesn't cut it, and I am sure you know that. A part of you really want to trust her and believe it will turn out better. I understand that hope, but the truth is the day she dumped you, she has chosen to risk losing you forever. She was willing to take that risk in spite of how you feel about her, in spite of your history, in spite of everything. So don't make it easy for her to come back. Maybe NC will work, we don't know. But for now, the fact is she's confused so she is not 100% into it, I hope that's not good enough for you. I do agree a year is a good amount of time to take a break. Anger shows a lack of communication leading to frustration. If she does love you and indeed does return after a year, everyone would have calmed down, matured and then you will know for sure if she is a keeper. If she doesn't, no loss to you as you've moved on. True love relationships should be easy. If you are meant to be together, NC will not cause them to lose interest in you. Just disappear for a while and wait. Patience is your only ally for now. P.S. Don't take her sudden friendship and niceness as "not crazy". Yuck, I hate the word crazy. Guys like to use crazy to label women who are out of control with their emotions despite knowing women are predominantly emotional creatures. She is stable now because you offered her reassurance and security. But if you really love her, NC will allow her to focus on herself and not jumping from ship to ship. Edited June 30, 2014 by sugarlove
lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Not sure but I may be of help. I have bipolar since 11 years. I have fought with the downs mostly because mine is depressive in nature. I have successfully been able to lead somewhat of a normal life. I have over 6 years of work experience, an MBA and a consulting career. I've lived in 3 different continents independently for the past 8 yrs but I've been in touch with close friends and my long term psychiatrist/aunt over email/phone. Of course family as well. I had a bad break up too and I'm still very heartbroken and not over it after 8 mo as we were together for a year. But life goes on. I should be getting back in the workforce sooner than later and will be busy with a new phase in life. Let me tell you from experience, MEDICATION is VERY IMPORTANT in Bipolar. If you don't take medication regularly and see your psychiatrist at least once in 2 months if not every month, you're possibly god forbid risking suicide in the worst case. I really hope she has some form of support system, family friends to take care of her. In addition to this she's probably torn by the break-up. She's obviously NOT normal so sleeping with other guys, etc. everything she's done to hurt you has not been intentional because she's not her normal self. Life is too much to handle when you're sick with no relief. And bipolar makes all the emotions you feel 10x worse than in normal people. She's probably trying hard to fix her life right now. Now on your end, you're hurt but you still love her and I'm sure she loves you. Fights are normal in a healthy relationship so it's not a surprise if she's not well and you're fighting. I can imagine a lot of fighting in this case. You've both hurt each other even more after the breakup obviously. Think about this: 1) If this girl normalises do you think you would want to be with her or is your relationship too damaged to start over and can't take it. 2) Are you both still seriously in love? What are your goals in life as far as this relationship is concerned. Can you live without her? 3) What is she currently doing to get better? For a person with bipolar to become stable requires proper medication and if there is regular therapy as well, the recovery is faster. If the right medication is given regularly you could see results within a month or two. LOVE is also a big component. If she's getting proper attention she would be less stressed and would get better soon. I'm not an expert so take it with a grain of salt. Your choices are:- 1) Forget about this girl if it's too much to handle for you, stay away from her immediately and let her recover on her own. You being in her life will make things worse for her because of the volatility of post-breakup communications and her reactions to everything will not be rational making you upset. 2) If you still really want to be with her and think she's making a conscious effort to get better, you could stay in touch via email, phone, etc. and even visit her to show that you understand what she's going through, you are there and that you want her to get better by providing love and some stability in this aspect of her life. This would be huge in her recovery. And keep reminding her that regular medication and doctor visits are the key to her recovery and good health. Let me know if this helps... Edited June 30, 2014 by lesdeuxsoleils 1
Author Eagle755 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Currently she's moving across the country in 2 days, in order to work on herself alone and to become a better person that way, while also seeking a therapist as soon as she's there, which is a huge step. Your post is very accurate, people with bipolar can understand this very well. My mom also has it and when I told her about everything she completely understood I wish I had known about bipolar before everything happened so I could have went at everything head on. Instead it just made me resent her and I gave her literally no attention at all for months. Then that guy came along and started to give her a ton So far I've been going back between one and two. She's still very upset, so she is indeed saying and doing things very irrationally I was thinking of doing 2 after she started medicine, because right now, things are very unbearable I can live without her, I simply don't want to. I'm attractive and have so many options. But I know what I want, I want to be the man that's there for her thank you so much for the reply, I really appreciate the help from other sides of this
lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I think any person who's mature and well grounded would take this approach and in this case you're sure that you don't want to live without her! Congratulations, you know what you want in life! Take a look at this article: Helping a Loved One with Bipolar Disorder: Children, Teens, and Family There is tons of information on webmd, it's usually my goto site. Try to read up on it. My x knew I had bipolar, he took it really well but he had a lot of other issues he couldn't handle! I know that there are a lot of people who talk about depression casually. Bipolar Disorder is not just depression. It's a manic-depressive illness, lifelong. But many people succeed in leading normal lives if they follow some rules. There are also 2 types in bipolar, type 1 is Manic, type 2 is Depressive. I'm sure you'll figure it all out. The last thing I want to say is very important. Some people avoid going to the psychiatrist and see therapists, this WILL NOT WORK. Make sure she's seeing a doctor regularly. Therapy is an add on if there is a diagnosis. Depression and Bipolar depression have the same symptoms but are two different things and are treated differently. It's important to get it right. Good luck!
Author Eagle755 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Thank you so much for the help. There's just so much running through my head. I've been having panic attacks and anxiety and it sucks. It sucks worse because I can't understand what she's actually feeling because of her issues And I'm so much of an emotional wreck I can't process things normally. The fact that she slept with another guy kills me, and I just don't know how to get over it. I've gotten her back, even worse, but it makes it no better for me
lesdeuxsoleils Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) Look, you have to take care of yourself first in order to take care of her. If you are emotional and are having panic attacks, you won't be able to provide her with the proper support for her recovery. I know you do want her to get better so for her sake, try to calm yourself down. It didn't seem like you have some sort of illness but you're saying that you are having panic attacks. Please read up on this: Panic Attacks and Panic Disorder-Topic Overview If you are suffering from panic attacks according to the symptoms specified in the link above, you need to get help, if not it could just be anxiety that normal people feel, normal people can also have panic attacks. I think it's just that you are worried about her. You have to get a grasp of your life in order to take care of her. FOR HER SAKE, stop worrying and start looking at ways of supporting her so that she gets better. That's in the interest of both of you. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that everything will be fine. Trust in god, you both will be fine in time. It just takes time. But you have to hold tight. As far as her sleeping with another guy goes, please just BLOCK it out of your mind. Everyone makes mistakes and a person with a nervous breakdown like she's had is bound to do irrational things for reasons we don't know. We just know that she wouldn't if she was herself, the person who loves you. You HAVE TO forget about this. Everyone makes mistakes, consider it a mistake and forgive her. I had a bad nervous breakdown in college 11 years ago. I was a wreck, had to drop out of college and was treated for months to find the right medication mix and I became stable, I went back to college and relapse occurred, I dropped out again. Then finally with the help and love of the family I got better and finally went back and graduated. Think about this, when things hit rock bottom, there only one way to go, UP !!! It may take time but you have to believe. Bipolar is an illness that can be controlled easily if one tries but one has to TRY. You have to help her do the right things to get better and you'll be able to do that if you learn more about it. Research about Bipolar on webmd.com Do you exercise? Try it, regular exercise 30m 4-5x per week. Whatever you enjoy doing. IT WILL ALL GET BETTER so don't lose HOPE. Edited July 1, 2014 by lesdeuxsoleils
lesdeuxsoleils Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Helping Your Partner Manage Bipolar Disorder | World of Psychology
Author Eagle755 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 You're helping more than you know, I appreciate all of this so highly. I do think something's is wrong with me, but I don't know what. I over analyze way more than a normal person, and I have a lot of emotion I bottle up. I do work out a lot, it helps my anger to an extent. I talked to her again last night, she told me the reason she broke up with me was because of the fact that I no longer paid attention to her, and she just thought I didn't care about her anymore, so she finally just gave up trying and when the other guy came along, she thought she wanted the attention from him. Like, it would make sense to have a one night stand, feel bad or something, and never do it again. But she spent that whole month sneaking behind my back and seeing him, and slept with him twice before I found out, all the while, coming home and cuddling up with me. This whole thing just has me calculating a million different scenarios and understandings in my head at once and mixed with her saying different things about it every 3 seconds, or in deliberately hurting me, has me beyond confused. I don't understand the full extent unto which bipolar depression is capable of making a person do. At this point in time, my understanding, from her words, is that she was in such deep depression, and had lacked so much attention, that she gave up on me. And after me finding her with him, she realized just exactly what she had done, because she saw how harshly it affected me and saw how much I truely care, that she went into deeper depression and tried very hard to get me back. She's still in a horrible state of mind, yet its hard to tell anything anymore because she never shows her emotions. That and its always different. But we both agreed on NC because we both still get jealous of each other(her especially for some reason) I asked about her going on medicine again.. it wasn't the yes 100% answer, it was, idk but I probably will Sorry for ranting more, it helps when I logically write out my feelings for people to see, I never really get anything out, I'm very introverted in person
Author Eagle755 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Those links are also a big help. Although it makes me realize i treated the relationship very badly. I did the complete opposite of what youre supposed to do. At least i know what to do if there is ever a future
lesdeuxsoleils Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 It's totally fine, writing things out helps. I didn't realise until I did. I actually had a panic attack last night because I had bottled up and block my feelings about my ex too and it all came out like that. I felt terrible. I feel a bit better now and spoke to my doctor. Relationships make us all vulnerable, it's been 8 mo for me and the way my breakup took place was as if he didn't know me, after 1 whole year, suddenly. Coming back to you. I'm not sure how much her Bipolar lead to her cheating on you. It think that has to do with personality as well. For ex I don't think I would ever do that to anyone. But then again, she lacked attention, was unwell and did just anything to get attention. In this case she wanted yours and his, she wanted ALL the attention. It's always been to talk about things in person. Don't feel bad about not treating her well when she was sick, you didn't know what to do, so it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. BUT when you do meet her, make sure you find out how much of a conscious effort she's willing to make to get better. When I was ill i would refuse medication and my family had o force me to take it and it got better, 11 years ago. Is there someone actively taking care of her with help of a doctor? If it doesn't seem like she is going to make an effort to get better, you being in her life might be destructive for you. You'll get hurt if she keeps telling you hurtful aspects of your relationship. You both have to forgive each other and decide that the past is the past and from now on you look only to the future. Wait at see how your in-person meeting goes. Hope this helps.
Author Eagle755 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Damn dude, people are horrible. Well, it wasn't cheating, because she had left me. I'm gonna add some more. Before we moved in together, we had gotten into a lot of fights and heated arguments, and one night after an argument she went and spent the night at her "best guy friends" house, and stayed there for two nights in a row. I called her and texted her a ton the day after, asking where she was and she wouldn't talk to me what so ever. Then she finally answered at night, seeming like she didn't care about me at all, her tone was so different and I've never heard her like that before(this was a few weeks after discontinuing medicine). I started crying and asking her where she was. And I got the "why does it matter" answer. Yet again. Same thing I got when I caught her at the recent guys house. But that other time, we were dating. After another hour of why's it matter, I got "I'm at my friend karas". And we somewhat made up, I asked her to come see me but instead she stayed there again. And the next day I asked her friend Kara if she was there. Indeed she had not seen her. I was again, pissed, and then she finally said where she had been. I broke up with her. And she apologized and cried, for a week, she told me she did nothing with him at all(but she also said that about the recent guy too, I had to find out by interrogating her). And amongst that, she bought me a 600 dollar engagement ring that week. Which I obviously was unable to accept. We moved in together although, hoping that would help things, and I never put the ring on, as many times as she brought it up. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to marry her, but not in that way, but she didn't understand that, and it hurt her a lot Another bit of information Her ex before me, cheated on her multiple times, as did all of them, they were all abusive. I was the only good guy to her apparently. But with that ex, he broke up with her one month, and didn't talk to her, she went and slept with another guy for a week, and they got back together, never even told him about the other guy. I've asked her if it's just her personality, that she does those kinds of things. She said she really doesn't know, that something is wrong with her, and she just wants to fix it because she doesn't want to lose me. I've even asked if she wanted an open relationship and said I was fine with it, and she said hell no she doesn't want anyone else, every time we even ever talked about a guy's looks, she'd always say every other guy is gross or ugly, shes never been turned on by a hot guy with his shirt off or anything She has a lot of mental issues, her mom even tried killing her when she was a child. And she's very attention hungry. I didn't notice a lot of this the first few months, she seemed totally fine, loyal, faithful, literally only talked to me, always wanted to see me, take pictures with me, do everything. And I loved that. That's when she was taking medicine though. Totally different person. Even now she's talking to other guys, and putting herself in stupid situations even still. Also, right now I'm the only person she has to take care of her, and when she moves, she'll have nobody, but she'll be on medicine at least. While she's up there, she said she's just going to work, and sleep, which is weird. All of this makes nc a little difficult
Author Eagle755 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Sorry for bombarding you, nobody else will help me through this
lesdeuxsoleils Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) It's terrible that there's no one to take care of her. Try to force her to stay where you are with Love and Kind words, reassuring her that staying near you will be good her and everything will be just like before = happiness. She is not safe on her own!! She will only get worse. Explain to her why you didn't accept the ring in a rational detailed loving way that satisfies her so she doesn't need to bring it up again. Keep her with you!! Do not let her go. Tell her you're the only one who cares about her and that you will take care of her forever (sound funny to me now, my ex said it all the time and I felt so secure, it's another thing that 8mo later I'm having panic attacks). You have to convince her to stay and get help for her. Please contact a health care facility and take her to the doctor with you. Tell the doctor you are her domestic partner and boyfriend. Assure her that it will be all fine after this and you guys will be happy forever!!! Please you need to get help for her, you cannot do this any other way!!! Listen to me, I know, I've been through it ALL. She needs medical care urgently otherwise her condition will decrease. Tell her you will surprise her with a ring when the time is right and that right one she has to focus on her health. You to get help for her. CAN YOU DO THIS??? Edited July 3, 2014 by lesdeuxsoleils
Author Eagle755 Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 She will be living with her old boss, he's the one that will be getting her a job where she's moving, I mean that's someone that will be there in a way. But I've already tried to get her to stay, she said there's no way we can work things out right now, that the best thing for both of us is to move on, work on ourselves, then try starting over in the future. She's already transferred, its all official and she's leaving tomorrow Trust me, I don't want her to leave. Its really hard for me. All of it is
lesdeuxsoleils Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 If that's the case, just try to rest. Maybe that's what she needs to do, maybe the space will allow her to put things in perspective. If she's meant to be with you, she'll come back when she's ready. Trust in God and get some peace of mind. If you need psychological help, please reach out for yourself. If you're well, everything will fall in place. Only you can take care of yourself. You know yourself best. I've been through a VERY hard time as well. Had 3 panic attacks in the past 2 days. A bit better now. Looking for solutions to my problems now. Sometimes we love something a lot but it's not in our best interests and God knows what's best for us, We have to believe. He brought us in this world, He will take care of us. Good luck!
Author Eagle755 Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 Well today was the last day I saw her. She ended up having an episode and said a lot of hurtful things. Sort of blamed me for everything. Said because I didn't do anything with her, like hang out, and do stuff, that she couldn't handle it anymore, and that's why she did what she did. Man bipolar is something, it just isn't fair. I know she'll come back in a year, she wants to start over with me, and only wants me Just don't even know if it's worth it, or if I can handle it again. Handling her leaving me for that guy is hard enough on me I'm definitely getting some help, thank you, and I hope things get better for you too, I know it must be hard for you If you ever need to talk to someone, you can talk to me
lesdeuxsoleils Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Sometimes everything cannot be blamed on bipolar. You know i've been upset and fought with people due to what I call "under the effect of bipolar" but afterwards I realise and always make up for it, I apologise. Unfortunately, people hold grudges and don't forgive you. That's a fact. I don't know if she meant the hurtful things she said. What ever she said you didn't do right, don't take the blame. There is NOTHING wrong with you or what you did. It's her perception of what you did or didn't do wrong. Do not take it personally at all. I think it's time for you to take a break from her. When my ex left me, I wrote down everything he said the last time we talked and I realised he was wrong and blamed me for bull**** reasons just as an excuse because he wanted a break, he didn't care enough to stay so to HELL with him. You should do the same, try to make a list of what you did or didn't like about her. I've realised that you cannot change people's personalities. I've read somewhere that if you think you can change someone, you shouldn't be in that relationship. Try to really find out what you want in a girl and you'll realise that she might not be the one. You're really young. Don't let your emotions overwhelm you. Try to relax and take care of yourself. SMILE
erklat Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Love, you don't initiate, you just go into it. No need to let her know, trust me, she will notice. But if you stand on your ground, your perspective will change. And things will be much clearer. People don't change in a few months, unless they seek some sort of therapy or if they have a mental issue, be compliant with their meds. Just saying it doesn't cut it, and I am sure you know that. A part of you really want to trust her and believe it will turn out better. I understand that hope, but the truth is the day she dumped you, she has chosen to risk losing you forever. She was willing to take that risk in spite of how you feel about her, in spite of your history, in spite of everything. So don't make it easy for her to come back. Maybe NC will work, we don't know. But for now, the fact is she's confused so she is not 100% into it, I hope that's not good enough for you. I do agree a year is a good amount of time to take a break. Anger shows a lack of communication leading to frustration. If she does love you and indeed does return after a year, everyone would have calmed down, matured and then you will know for sure if she is a keeper. If she doesn't, no loss to you as you've moved on. True love relationships should be easy. If you are meant to be together, NC will not cause them to lose interest in you. Just disappear for a while and wait. Patience is your only ally for now. P.S. Don't take her sudden friendship and niceness as "not crazy". Yuck, I hate the word crazy. Guys like to use crazy to label women who are out of control with their emotions despite knowing women are predominantly emotional creatures. She is stable now because you offered her reassurance and security. But if you really love her, NC will allow her to focus on herself and not jumping from ship to ship. I don't like the way you write because I can guarantee it will get misinterpreted. Skip the part that NC will not do them any harm in the long run and take things at their face value. The ex agreed on risk to loose you forever. Do not look any further than this.
Author Eagle755 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 She's on her way to go across the country, left yesterday. Last time we saw each other was a big fight. And she was horrible. I told her not to contact me again, because I'm done. When she's all better again, she'll realize what she did, and realize what she lost. But as far as I'm concerned, I'm moving on and not caring. I've ignored every text she's sent since she left. I'm running as far away from this as possible. Its too unhealthy for me. Of course I love her. But she made the decision to no longer take medicine, and become a different person. Then sleep with the other guy. So I'm done with it, I can't care about someone so selfish and careless of other peoples emotions. I know it's not her, because she's so far gone and lost in her head from the illness, but she risked losing me over and over. Now I need to figure how to move on and stick to it.
Downtown Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I've asked her if it's just her personality, that she does those kinds of things. She said she really doesn't know, that something is wrong with her, and she just wants to fix it because she doesn't want to lose me.Eagle, a substantial share of bipolar-1 sufferers also suffer from a co-occurring personality disorder. A recent large-scale study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 36% of the bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Because both of these disorders give rise to strong mood changes, it is easy to mistake one for the other. If you are interested, you will find a description of the main differences between the behavior of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and that of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If the BPD symptoms sound very familiar, you will find a much more detailed description of BPD warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description sounds very familiar, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Impala.
Author Eagle755 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Today I've been researching bpd, bipolar and everything else. And once I read about bpd I was like wait.. that is spot on. It was exactly describing her. Your articles suggest bpd as well, like wow. Its no surprise that I was incapable of tackling that head on. Now how do I even handle any of this? I fell in love with this girl, the girl that was actually on medicine at least. And she screwed it all up This sucks
Downtown Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I fell in love with this girl, the girl that was actually on medicine at least.Eagle, if she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, the medicine cannot make a dent in the BPD itself. Unlike bipolar, BPD is believed to be caused NOT by a change in body chemistry but, rather, by the person's level of emotional development being stuck at the level of a four year old. This is why meds are believed to be ineffective in treating BPD. This is not to say, however, that meds are not prescribed to BPDers. Because nearly all BPDers also have co-occurring "clinical disorders" (e.g., bipolar, GAD, PTSD, or ADHD), the meds are prescribed to address those other disorders.
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