acrosstheuniverse Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Asking for three dollars back would turn me off so much. Seriously. My guy and I take turns and both pay basically the same towards our dates etc. we just take it in turns, so he'll get a meal out one week and I'll do the same the week after. If one of us really fancies going out but the person whose turn it is can't afford it then they'll just pay again, it all depends on what we've got in the bank really. But it would be a huge turn off if a boyfriend wanted that tiny amount of cash back unless I knew for a fact he really needed it. 3
Emilia Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Oops. I think I forgot a big detail because people are assuming things that aren't true (not your fault guys). MOST of our dates ARE free! Out of the 5 or 6 dates per week, 3 to 4 of them are totally free! We go on many hikes, spend time on beaches, etc. Cook at one of our places. So no, most dates are free. They aren't free though, are they? Unless you use public transport passes you already have anyway. Someone has to buy the food for two people, pay for car usage, etc.
Els Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Oh no I am due to get my paycheck in a week. As I mentioned, I live with my parents, I don't have to worry about things like rent or groceries or utilities. My parents don't make me pay for any of that, they are well off people and they have not had problems supporting me- this is something we've discussed. So the newspaper money I make is for everything else- some recreation fees, clothes, shoes, going out, etc. Its very little and I live in an expensive city but I can make it last if I'm careful. I did talk to him about this, he apologized and said that wasn't even something he realized was bothering me. He also said that he hadn't been keeping tabs. Apparently at the movies, I had gotten my money out before he even turned to me. I don't think I mentioned that I was making significantly less than him to his face, or maybe I did and he wasn't paying attention, I don't know. But he seemed very remorseful about it. The movie tickets were covered by a coupon he had, it just happened to be a 3D screening which is a feature not covered by his coupon so we had to pay an extra 6$ (the regular price for a 3D ticket is something like 14 or 15$). He agreed that 6$ isn't something that should be split, he even said that he'd gladly pick up more tabs than me, seeing as I make much less than him, it's not a problem as long as I'm happy. Here are his exact words (not all of them, most of them): When you brought out the money, I thought that it was something you wanted to contribute. I thought it was odd, but you had it, so I thought it's what you wanted to do. I think I just wasn't thinking or paying attention. So he listened to all of what I said, I'll be seeing how he applies that in the future. This did upset me because I felt like I wasn't worth 3$...not to mention I'm his girlfriend. I'm not asking for a Louis Vuitton bag, or anything, but seriously 3$ is hardly anything to split money about. Well, it's good that he has listened to your concerns, and tried to alleviate them. IMO that's a good step in the right direction, and it's good practice for the two of you to communicate such things and learn to resolve conflict anyway. All of that will help you heaps in the future. So, good on you for having that talk with him. If you're doing most of your dates (mostly) free, then that's good too. 1
Author CrystalCastles Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Yes, they are mostly free. But mostly free means they cost very little. He always picks me up and drives me everywhere. And we always cook at his house, never at mine (because my parents are there and we want privacy). He doesn't have much in his fridge, he can afford to eat out during the week, so I bring some of the ingredients from home. We talked about this yesterday again, face to face. He apologized, and told me that he didn't even know what he was thinking when he did that. I told him about this thread (he knows about Loveshack) and I mentioned the idea that instead of splitting on dates, we should trade off, and that whose-ever turn it is to pay, chooses the place according to their budget. He said that is a great idea, we won't split bills anymore, let's do that. I told him everything people said on this thread (minus the name-calling) and everything I said here too, and he agreed and said from now on, that's how we'll do it. He was very happy that I communicated my problems to him, and that if I have anything else I'm worried about, then we can have a discussion about that too. And that communication is very important to him. So I suppose that all I need to do from here on is make sure he honors that, and we'll be all good! 3
MissBee Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Yes, they are mostly free. But mostly free means they cost very little. He always picks me up and drives me everywhere. And we always cook at his house, never at mine (because my parents are there and we want privacy). He doesn't have much in his fridge, he can afford to eat out during the week, so I bring some of the ingredients from home. We talked about this yesterday again, face to face. He apologized, and told me that he didn't even know what he was thinking when he did that. I told him about this thread (he knows about Loveshack) and I mentioned the idea that instead of splitting on dates, we should trade off, and that whose-ever turn it is to pay, chooses the place according to their budget. He said that is a great idea, we won't split bills anymore, let's do that. I told him everything people said on this thread (minus the name-calling) and everything I said here too, and he agreed and said from now on, that's how we'll do it. He was very happy that I communicated my problems to him, and that if I have anything else I'm worried about, then we can have a discussion about that too. And that communication is very important to him. So I suppose that all I need to do from here on is make sure he honors that, and we'll be all good! That's excellent! These are all good signs. Sometimes things are a matter of miscommunication and as I said in my initial response, what's important is that you not simply pretend you're okay with things when they bother you, which I saw you kind of doing, because on one hand you made this thread expressing you being bothered by the situation then in the next breath you were saying his cheapness doesn't bother you and it's not an issue...and I was like girl what?! It's important to be honest and speak up truthfully, but of course with tact and without attacking, about what you want and need as when you do you can deepen your relationship and the person will either give you what you need and clear up any misunderstanding, as your bf did graciously, that's really good, and you can set a precedence for communication in the future or they can choose not to and then you can know whether or not the relationship is worth it. But downplaying how you feel often builds up resentment overtime and essentially you will continue not getting what you want because you never say how you really feel so the person will keep doing things you dislike because they've never been told otherwise. So good on you all! 2
Leigh 87 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 My boyfriend pays about 10 to 15 dollars on food. He cooks dinner and cleans up. We get four meals out of it: two large servings for dinner and two large servings for lunch the next day. For the price of ONE restaurant meal, we get FOUR large meals. Sometimes more and I then freeze the leftovers. It's affordable and I still feel like I'm getting spoilt. My boyfriend also stopped taking me out for dinner due to putting more into savings for OUR house deposit..... So I explained that I like to feel spoilt once a week; my friends bf on a high income treats her to every meal out whenever she stays with him although he's on 80 K a year which is the equivalent of 140 K in the states pretty much. My boyfriend listened to my concerns. I explained that while he is very generous with his time and love, always thinking about my and my families well being ( he heard dad likes guitar music so he burnt a huge cd for him), he also would like to feel spoilt on occasion. I.explained that I dont want to be taken out for dinner weekly when he cannot afford it. Instead, I made the suggestion that we don't eat out and rather, stay at home as he is a great cook of some meals I enjoy a lot. It works brilliantly.. He cooks, it tastes good, and he automatically cleans up. He stares across table to me just staring in adoration. We drink cheap but tasty wine and have sex. It's so heavenly and is SO inexpensive. My mates partner earns 80 K AND per year so he eats out most nights and takes my friend out for dinner every night they are together. Drinks and food all on his tab. He takes her on tips interstate and oats for the ticket and gives her 2000 to spend. MOST people can only afford basics which is totally understandable, however, there are plenty of free or inexpensive ways a man can take a woman on a date without having to keep tabs of every penny and the split every darn bill! - Buying her ice cream followed by a walk on the beach in summer, or I prefer winter (I'm strange). - Buying the lady a coffee, iced chocolate/ coffee or hot chocolate and taking her to a museum or art gallery that are free or very inexpensive. It would be perfectly acceptable to go half's upon entry but to still shout her the drink. If a man literally cannot afford to shout his lady a coffee than he shouldn't date. Or he should explain that they cannot go out. Ever. Not until he gets his life and in turn, finances on track. I hate stingy people. I don't relate to them at all. I am not into just giving all your hard earned money away but hmmm no need to be a scrooge either.
FitChick Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 My boyfriend also stopped taking me out for dinner due to putting more into savings for OUR house deposit..... So I explained that I like to feel spoilt once a week I explained that while he is very generous with his time and love, always thinking about my and my families well being, he also would like to feel spoilt on occasion. He cooks and he automatically cleans up. To repeat, he does things for you and your family, he is putting away his money for your future house, he cooks and cleans up. He told you he would like to feel "spoilt", too. What exactly do you do for HIM? Seems a bit one-sided. 3
Els Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 OP - sounds like a good resolution to me. I'm a bit surprised that you brought it up again after he apologized during the first conversation... it seems to have gone well, but IME it is good to watch this and avoid 'overhashing' in the future. One conversation should usually be enough, then give him time to see if anything changes. To repeat, he does things for you and your family, he is putting away his money for your future house, he cooks and cleans up. He told you he would like to feel "spoilt", too. What exactly do you do for HIM? Seems a bit one-sided. I agree with your sentiment in general. But the part you quoted... Unfortunately it looks like a typo - I think she meant to say 'I like to feel spoilt'.
Daisydance Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 While its good that a man is financially responsible id get annoyed at being asked to pay off such a measly amount especially if he actually owed me a coffee. The guy I am seeing now actually made the comment that it costs him £300 a month to date me. That made me Mad as I always pay half and he suggests what we do far more often than I do, in addition I also buy snacks when we stay in and do a lot of cooking for us which comes out of my pocket. I've not said anything about the £300 comment yet, but Id be lying if I said it didn't annoy me
Author CrystalCastles Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 OP - sounds like a good resolution to me. I'm a bit surprised that you brought it up again after he apologized during the first conversation... it seems to have gone well, but IME it is good to watch this and avoid 'overhashing' in the future. One conversation should usually be enough, then give him time to see if anything changes. Oops, I forgot to clarify. I brought it up again to talk about the solution to the problem. The second time I mentioned it, I told him about the suggestions people here mentioned, just to see what he thought. I certainly didn't mention it again to get angry at him and make him feel bad all over again. Considering he apologized multiple times the first time I brought it up. He liked the idea, he said from now on, no more bill splitting, we'll take turns paying. He doesn't have much dating experience, any gfs he had were from long ago. He's a pretty accommodating man, he tries hard to make me happy and I can see it. And since then we haven't done any bill splitting.
Author CrystalCastles Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 pay off such a measly amount especially if he actually owed me a coffee I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with your man. Just want to point out though, I think treating should be about wanting to make someone feel good and cared for. A little hard to feel that if you feel you "are owed" something from someone. I don't mind at all paying for my bf. Seeing him happy makes me happy, I do it because that's one of the ways I show that I care about him. He doesn't owe me any coffees. Just hopefully his love.
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