CrystalCastles Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Hey all! I recently started seeing this guy, we've been in a relationship just shy of one month. We go on dates 5 - 6 times per week. Early on, he made it clear that he is not well off (he lives on the poverty line, he's a master's student and he lives on scholarships and grants, which cover the barest of needs). He said he doesn't pay for women on dates, he prefers going dutch. That is and was perfectly fine by me- I am uncomfortable with people paying for me anyways, so that was not a problem. So far, we've gone dutch on activities or lunch, but coffees we trade off. I did tell him that I make almost nothing- I live with my parents and I'm an undergrad so my studying doesn't allow me to have a proper job (I need good study time so that I can earn high marks for grad school). I deliver newspapers and make ~70$ a month. Yesterday we went for a hike, coffee two times and a movie. I paid both times for coffee for both of us. My bf had coupons for the movie tickets and popcorn. But since the showing was in 3D and the coupons didn't cover that, there was a total of 6$ extra that we had to pay. The thing that I'm a bit upset about is that my bf asked me to pay him my share of 3$ back. I don't really get that. I mean, 3$? He goes out to lunch every single day with his friends when at work, lunch costs 6$. That's 6$ a day and he couldn't even pay 3$ for his girlfriend! Before everyone jumps on me, I have been very good about paying my share PLUS I paid for our two coffees that day, one of which was pretty expensive since it was in a fancy place he picked. Yet it seems I'm not even worth 3$. He's very strong minded about his money. I understand that. Maybe he was mooched off by women before. I don't know. But I am not sure what to say about this without offending him. But I'd like to say something because I feel insulted. I make barely anything at all and I hand over my debit without question because my boyfriend is worth more to me than my paycheck. I have no doubt that my bf is into me. He is constantly making time for me despite his busy schedule, tells me things he tells no one else, constantly tells me how much I mean to him, how he likes me very much, how amazing and beautiful I am. He picks me up from my house and drops me off every time, he always wants to go and do whatever I want to do. We text a lot throughout the day, he always says good night to me. I don't want to push him away if this is not a big deal. Please help!
JungleLover Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Just keep focusing on the last paragraph of your post. Whenever your mind starts sweating the whole measly $3 thing, Keep repeating that last paragraph to yourself. Enjoy your relationship. Just do your best to enjoy it. 1
Elle1975 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Well, he's cheap, but you knew that when you started dating. Thinking about it, maybe you two shouldn't be dating if you can't afford it, or only engage in activities that are free. 3
Author CrystalCastles Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) JungleLover, thanks so much, that made me feel a lot better. Elle1975, his being cheap doesn't bother me. Money is important to me, I'm very frugal about my money, but it isn't everything to me. I have many more important qualities I am seeking in a man than how much he spends on me. I've also been taught to be very respectful of things like other people's finances, it makes me uncomfortable when men pay for me so this arrangement works fine for me. Edited June 30, 2014 by CrystalCastles
Author CrystalCastles Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 It's ridiculous but just give him the $3 back. Sometimes it is best to put feelings out of the way. If he explicitly asked for it, then just give it to him. You both know how broke each other are so just do it. No need to get upset about feeling cheap or worthless. I gave it to him. I have just 8$ left in my bank account and 6$ in my purse at the time. I was very tempted to just take out the 6$ and give it to the cashier because I'm tired of this record keeping. It's stupid. I have almost nothing left to give but I'm still not the one keeping a record.
Els Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Okay, since you have said that he's definitely into you and shows it in other ways, I'll take your word on that. In that case it all depends on how you view such a calculating move. I mean, I was a Masters student myself. I still wouldn't even ask $3 back from a FRIEND especially if they paid for my coffee that day. It just feels so... petty? I agree with people being thrifty (for instance, if the cashier had overcharged him $3, he should bring it up with her), but not at the expense of people who are close to them. If it matters to you that he is being calculative (and it would matter to me!), I think you should tell him exactly that. I think everything that you said in your opening post is fine - it addresses the issue without being antagonistic, so say that, or show him this thread if you want. Edit: Also, uh. I don't want to rag on you, but if you literally had $8 left in your bank, I don't think it's a good idea to be going out for a movie. And, does he know about your financial situation? If he did, how could he pick an expensive place and let you pay for him?? That part makes me very wary about this whole thing. Edited June 30, 2014 by Elswyth 14
Snakechammah Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Gosh, that is a rough situation to be in. $3 in a first-world country does not mean much. To explicitly ask for it back screams a total miser to me. Especially since you paid for coffee TWICE! I've never been in that situation so I really wouldn't know what to do either. Are you able to talk to him about this? It may offend him, but if you approach the subject with tact and kindness, it will allow him to explain his point of view on the situation? I don't understand why he would be making a big deal out of $3. I'm so sorry for you. I hope you can be the better person in this, and I sincerely hope your financial situation improves soon. Edited June 30, 2014 by Snakechammah 2
Author CrystalCastles Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Okay, since you have said that he's definitely into you and shows it in other ways, I'll take your word on that. In that case it all depends on how you view such a calculating move. I mean, I was a Masters student myself. I still wouldn't even ask $3 back from a FRIEND especially if they paid for my coffee that day. It just feels so... petty? I agree with people being thrifty (for instance, if the cashier had overcharged him $3, he should bring it up with her), but not at the expense of people who are close to them. If it matters to you that he is being calculative (and it would matter to me!), I think you should tell him exactly that. I think everything that you said in your opening post is fine - it addresses the issue without being antagonistic, so say that, or show him this thread if you want. Edit: Also, uh. I don't want to rag on you, but if you literally had $8 left in your bank, I don't think it's a good idea to be going out for a movie. And, does he know about your financial situation? If he did, how could he pick an expensive place and let you pay for him?? That part makes me very wary about this whole thing. Oh no I am due to get my paycheck in a week. As I mentioned, I live with my parents, I don't have to worry about things like rent or groceries or utilities. My parents don't make me pay for any of that, they are well off people and they have not had problems supporting me- this is something we've discussed. So the newspaper money I make is for everything else- some recreation fees, clothes, shoes, going out, etc. Its very little and I live in an expensive city but I can make it last if I'm careful. I did talk to him about this, he apologized and said that wasn't even something he realized was bothering me. He also said that he hadn't been keeping tabs. Apparently at the movies, I had gotten my money out before he even turned to me. I don't think I mentioned that I was making significantly less than him to his face, or maybe I did and he wasn't paying attention, I don't know. But he seemed very remorseful about it. The movie tickets were covered by a coupon he had, it just happened to be a 3D screening which is a feature not covered by his coupon so we had to pay an extra 6$ (the regular price for a 3D ticket is something like 14 or 15$). He agreed that 6$ isn't something that should be split, he even said that he'd gladly pick up more tabs than me, seeing as I make much less than him, it's not a problem as long as I'm happy. Here are his exact words (not all of them, most of them): When you brought out the money, I thought that it was something you wanted to contribute. I thought it was odd, but you had it, so I thought it's what you wanted to do. I think I just wasn't thinking or paying attention. So he listened to all of what I said, I'll be seeing how he applies that in the future. This did upset me because I felt like I wasn't worth 3$...not to mention I'm his girlfriend. I'm not asking for a Louis Vuitton bag, or anything, but seriously 3$ is hardly anything to split money about. Edited June 30, 2014 by CrystalCastles 2
Mascara Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 This is why I think it's better to take turns to treat, rather than splitting the bill every time. You pay for one date, he pays for the next. That way, each person can pick a date that's within their means when it's their turn. 4
rocketman122 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 it doesnt matter hwo much the money is. you go on dates 5-6 times a week. its hurting his pocket. women dont understand this. but I can tell you when I dated my exgf, my pocket was hurting. id pay almost always and that was the way I wanted it, but be aware that having a GF is a huge hit to the pocket. my gf asked to pay a lot of timesd but I did not let her. she says let me pay but she would not like it after she sees how light her wallet would become. I dont care how much it is $3 $30 $300, for him its enough to bother him. if you say hes cheap, thats ur opinion. he doesnt have a lot of money so for him $3 is a lot. I salute him for still dating when he has no money. I feel for the guy and have to take his side 100% here. he has nothing yet still tries to give. he cares, and loves you and treats you right. hes a student and doesnt have money and youre crying about $3, that to him is a lot. when youre broke, $3 becomes very important. I have a friend who I work with who says id rather go to a hooker once a week, get a BJ/Fk, go home, get a nights sleep and be done with it. cheaper and better. no bs games, no mediocre sex, no courting and wasting time. its the reason many men dont want to commit and are looking for fwb. why do they need to shell out so much money and get back so little. I wouldnt do it but I can understand him completely. I dated a women 2 months and didnt get sheet but giggles when I kissed her. im pissed at my best friend who convinced me to stick with it. hurt my pocket very badly. so I can understand your BF. and to those women who dont understand jack and usually dont pay, sure you can go to cheap dates like ice cream, or a walk or go to the beach, but then what? restaurants movies, shows concerts, that will have to come some time or another. having a GF is a HUGE expense.
regine_phalange Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I understand that you are upset, because in the end is not about the amount of money, but because of his calculating attitude. I think that people who are so calculating with money are calculating with their feelings also. That would turn me off as well. Generosity in a relationship is not about the amount of money. Someone can be generous even by making you a special coffee at their house, with the total cost of 0.05$ + love. 3
Emilia Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Maybe because you go on dates 5-6 days a week? That's a lot, I gather it all adds up? 2
todreaminblue Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Hey all! I recently started seeing this guy, we've been in a relationship just shy of one month. We go on dates 5 - 6 times per week. Early on, he made it clear that he is not well off (he lives on the poverty line, he's a master's student and he lives on scholarships and grants, which cover the barest of needs). He said he doesn't pay for women on dates, he prefers going dutch. That is and was perfectly fine by me- I am uncomfortable with people paying for me anyways, so that was not a problem. So far, we've gone dutch on activities or lunch, but coffees we trade off. I did tell him that I make almost nothing- I live with my parents and I'm an undergrad so my studying doesn't allow me to have a proper job (I need good study time so that I can earn high marks for grad school). I deliver newspapers and make ~70$ a month. Yesterday we went for a hike, coffee two times and a movie. I paid both times for coffee for both of us. My bf had coupons for the movie tickets and popcorn. But since the showing was in 3D and the coupons didn't cover that, there was a total of 6$ extra that we had to pay. The thing that I'm a bit upset about is that my bf asked me to pay him my share of 3$ back. I don't really get that. I mean, 3$? He goes out to lunch every single day with his friends when at work, lunch costs 6$. That's 6$ a day and he couldn't even pay 3$ for his girlfriend! Before everyone jumps on me, I have been very good about paying my share PLUS I paid for our two coffees that day, one of which was pretty expensive since it was in a fancy place he picked. Yet it seems I'm not even worth 3$. He's very strong minded about his money. I understand that. Maybe he was mooched off by women before. I don't know. But I am not sure what to say about this without offending him. But I'd like to say something because I feel insulted. I make barely anything at all and I hand over my debit without question because my boyfriend is worth more to me than my paycheck. I have no doubt that my bf is into me. He is constantly making time for me despite his busy schedule, tells me things he tells no one else, constantly tells me how much I mean to him, how he likes me very much, how amazing and beautiful I am. He picks me up from my house and drops me off every time, he always wants to go and do whatever I want to do. We text a lot throughout the day, he always says good night to me. I don't want to push him away if this is not a big deal. Please help! I have no doubt that my bf is into me. He is constantly making time for me despite his busy schedule, tells me things he tells no one else, constantly tells me how much I mean to him, how he likes me very much, how amazing and beautiful I am. He picks me up from my house and drops me off every time, he always wants to go and do whatever I want to do. We text a lot throughout the day, he always says good night to me. I don't want to push him away if this is not a big deal. this for starters i consider price less well worth the three bucks to slide.....if you are seeing each other six times a week i would suggest doing freebie dates for four of them...... i know that datign a person who counts pennies is soemtimes disheartening but soemoen has to int eh relationship.....i cant...i just dont count money....i like free dates.,.....i like the pressure off so ill pay what i can and i dont care if its more.... if i were you i would consider free dates pack some coffee some munchies a blanket and find things to do for free......free movies in the park at night are romantic a drive in maybe ......when you run out of vouchers.....recuperate your three bucks that way.....and then....smilin....you have more for soft serve vanilla cones from maccas drive thru on the way home....they are fifty cents i prefer hungry jacks soft serve its creamier......and they are a real treat ......simple things amuse simple minds ....thats me.....and an obsession with soft serve..... i understand you are upset .....but if it continues and you feel put upon talk to him honestly.......and openly.....and go from there........best wishes...loads of soft serve to ya.....smilin...:bunny:..deb Edited June 30, 2014 by todreaminblue
Treasa Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 It really sounds like a lot of dates per week, and too much money spent on them. See if you can cut back on things that require money. My fiance and I both have good jobs, and we don't go out anywhere near as much as you do. For now, just focus on how you treat each other. 4
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Since you are both students money will always be an issue until you graduate. The amounts don't matter as much as the philosophy behind the spending habits. He's not just frugal he's is miserly / not generous. That would bug me to no end. If coffee is such an expense why doesn't one of you invest in a thermos to bring along coffee from home? The way people react to money can change a relationship. Somebody keeping score would turn me off in a heart beat 4
Diezel Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 OP, trust me, as a guy who used to do this in the past... he is ALWAYS going to keep score... even after you guys are students. Some things you just can't change. I used to do this to a much worse level and thankfully am seeing someone who understands this and was willing to communicate with me about it. It took a few conversations and even though I still "sort of" do this mentally to a much lesser degree, I know it's something that's not evaporating anytime soon. Something needs to happen, be spoken about, or give. If it bothers you this much and you let it slide, it is a foundation for resentment. Maybe he doesn't change overnight but work with him over time. 3
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 You go on too many dates per week. People with high paying jobs don't even go out on 5-6 paying dates a week. Find things to do that are free. He is calculative and he may always be. I have a friend who's girlfriend makes 180K per year. She is the most calculative person one can meet. She wants everything split in the middle and she has no problem asking my friend to give her back $10 for gas she spent on a date. He spoke to her about it, she hurt his feelings many times. She says she's sorry and a week later she's back to her cheap self. 3
Elle1975 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 JungleLover, thanks so much, that made me feel a lot better. Elle1975, his being cheap doesn't bother me. Money is important to me, I'm very frugal about my money, but it isn't everything to me. I have many more important qualities I am seeking in a man than how much he spends on me. I've also been taught to be very respectful of things like other people's finances, it makes me uncomfortable when men pay for me so this arrangement works fine for me. I understand being on a budget, and living within your means, as I am a student myself (can't wait to graduate!) I would suggest paying for your own from now on. No more splitting, since it starting this bickering over 3 dollars.
Zahara Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Aside: He's not well off and you're making almost nothing and you both go out 5-6 dates a week?! Maybe that's why he's penny pinching?
ktya Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 You both may be short on money, but getting worked up over $3 is rediculous. You could add up all the numbers in your OP and it would still be less than some of my dates. You are both broke starving students. Hes your boyfriend now, try hanging out at eachothers houses.
MissBee Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) I get that you say on one hand that you don't care about money and that you don't care that he's cheap...but come on, you made this thread because you were OBVIOUSLY bothered, not about money, but what it means that your bf is that cheap that he can't spend $3 on you without getting it back. I'm sorry but it bothers me when people act like ANY care at all about money means you only care about money. People's attitude about money reveals a lot about them and correlates to other areas. It's not that spending more means you care more, but certainly a man who avoids spending at all cost or is willing to spend more on his friends than his gf says something. Finances are a TOP hot button issue in relationships and if overtime you're constantly biting your tongue about these things, then is it really not that big of a deal? I always say cheap isn't about money...it's a mentality. Cheap people come in all income brackets. Being frugal isn't the same as cheap. My bf is frugal but he likes quality things so when he spends he pays more for stuff so that it can last and he does his research for deals and what's best quality before spending, and he's a big saver, but when it comes on to me and gift giving or going out he doesn't count pennies and I would be insulted if he asked me for $3 after he paid for something for $6...for me that is ridiculous and a negligible amount. You are frugal but not cheap, in that you generously turn over your debit card because he is worth it, even though you make $70 a month...that's the difference. Cheap people just have a stingy, tit for tat, penny pinching attitude that is very annoying because it tends to spill over elsewhere. Anyway, be honest with yourself going forward. You don't have to bring this up right now...but if as you continue seeing him you feel bothered by cheap behaviors don't try to tell yourself you feel fine about it. If you feel you are more generous with him than he is with you, then bring it up P.S. if he has no money and you don't either...why go out 6 times a week? I don't get it. If you wanna see each other, make dinner at home, watch movies, go on walks, but don't make most of these dates things you have to pay for. Edited June 30, 2014 by MissBee 6
MissBee Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 You go on too many dates per week. People with high paying jobs don't even go out on 5-6 paying dates a week. Find things to do that are free. He is calculative and he may always be. I have a friend who's girlfriend makes 180K per year. She is the most calculative person one can meet. She wants everything split in the middle and she has no problem asking my friend to give her back $10 for gas she spent on a date. He spoke to her about it, she hurt his feelings many times. She says she's sorry and a week later she's back to her cheap self. Case in point that cheap isn't about how much money you have... you could have millions and still be cheap and stingy and still need to ask for your $2 that you paid for toll . While you could make $70 but have a generous spirit and won't ask for negligible amounts of money or need to split everything down the middle. 1
iiiii Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 In that case it all depends on how you view such a calculating move. I mean, I was a Masters student myself. I still wouldn't even ask $3 back from a FRIEND especially if they paid for my coffee that day. It just feels so... petty? I agree with people being thrifty (for instance, if the cashier had overcharged him $3, he should bring it up with her), but not at the expense of people who are close to them. Petty is a good word for it. For a solid relationship it's important that both people are demonstrably investing time and energy into the relationship. But I think it's detrimental for the relationship for either partner to keep close tabs on petty things like spending $3 more than the other person. 2
Author CrystalCastles Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Oops. I think I forgot a big detail because people are assuming things that aren't true (not your fault guys). MOST of our dates ARE free! Out of the 5 or 6 dates per week, 3 to 4 of them are totally free! We go on many hikes, spend time on beaches, etc. Cook at one of our places. So no, most dates are free. Its not about the money, its more about his miserly attitude. Thanks for the replies guys! And yes MissBee. You said it right. Which is why I have no problem paying for dates because he is more important to me than my money (though money is important to me too, which is why I do my best to be careful with how I spend it). It just felt very insulting to me that my boyfriend should think that his girlfriend is not worth spending 3$ on. 2
FitChick Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Pack sandwiches and bring a thermos of coffee and go on a picnic. By the way, the dollar sign goes in front of the number, not after it.
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