MatrixLiz Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 About my BF (26) So I noticed the passenger seat in his car was very different than how I ever had it (reclined and scooted back). So I asked him "what did you do today" and if he had anyone in his car and he said no. I then asked if HE had moved it, and he said no (but I know for a fact that I never have the passenger seat like that). Is there another possible explanation or is he lying? He provided no explanation. Then he got very furious with me and yelled and swore at me and hit objects and started treating ME like -I- was the bad one. He said that me asking him that is implying that he's a cheater and a liar and that that makes him feel "small" He said, "I gave you my heart and now it's all for nothing.." And it seemed like he was breaking up with me... but the previous day he had just gotten done saying that I was his dream girl and that we're going to get married some day. He dropped me back off at my apartment furious as can be - he was being cold and distant and not loving and he would cry an then swear and then yell at me and punch the wall and such... he was being bad with me . . . I don't want to loose him... he has been so wonderful with me (aside from when we get into an argument/fight [like once every two months]) and our souls match so well... I've never felt such a strong connection as what I feel with him. But when he gets mad - it makes me wonder how we can work out being partners for life I don't know what to make of this or what to do next
marcjb Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 His reaction was definitely over the top. I don't think an innocent person would have that reaction. 12
deathandtaxes Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) OP - at the least he could have lied and said 'oh, I was cleaning out the car and have to move the seat' but I think you called him out on his **** and that's why he's reacting so negatively. Edited June 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 5
xxmusical Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 OP, I don't think you're at fault here. I would have asked the same thing to my bf. If there's nothing to hide, your bf wouldn't just say, "nothing" and proceed to throw such a big tantrum at you, and shifting the blame on YOU. On the other hand, I would be worried about him throwing objects and hitting things whenever you two have a fight. Most likely he will not change. Think carefully about what you want for your future. 3
leavesonautumn Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 WOW he for sure overreacted. How long have you two been together? Are there any other hints that something may be going on? Does he often get mad or rage at situations that to other people may not seem like a big deal? About the seat though, it literally could be anything. Maybe he dropped something and had to move the seat to find it? 1
Author MatrixLiz Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 - I want him to tell me the truth, a response that's logical and makes sense. He says that he's telling the truth . . . but how can "not knowing" possibly be the truth?? Am I missing something here? - Also, I don't want him to do a 180 on me as soon as he feels "offended" and blame ME for suspecting something and then YELL and YELL and YELL at me and be so full of rage. At one point he was pointing his finger at me and it was hitiing my rib, so I said "you're hurting me" and he said "I don't care; YOU're hurting ME!" and I thought to myself, oh my gosh - how can this be the man that is a PRINCE and KNIGHT and sweetheart to me every day? - before getting into the car, I had kissed him and so I know that he was totally sober - He was downright CRYING of emotional pain at some points... so since he was so hurt, does that mean that he wants me to see him as the good man that he is because he was innocent? - Where do I even take this from here?? Do I wait for a text from him? Do I call him in 2 weeks if I haven't heard from him? HOW can we set this right? I care for him so very much
Author MatrixLiz Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 "She spazzed out because his seat was moved in HIS CAR? She is out of line. I can only imagine what other kinds of things she gets paranoid about. His reaction sounds like a build up of her insecurities. I don't agree with throwing things or being violent. I have many family and friends in my car and my seat is always moved. So what?? Either you trust your mate or you don't . " -----> You don't get it: he has no family here, all he has is one brother here in the same state as us and I asked him if it was his brother in the car and he said no. Also, he doesn't work, so he has no fellow employee friends. and he doesn't have any guy friends (we are both new to Los Angeles). He SAID that NO ONE had been in his car.
Author MatrixLiz Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 WOW he for sure overreacted. How long have you two been together? Are there any other hints that something may be going on? Does he often get mad or rage at situations that to other people may not seem like a big deal? About the seat though, it literally could be anything. Maybe he dropped something and had to move the seat to find it? We've been together for almost a year. Well, the think is, it was BOTH moved back AND reclined. He would have remembered if he moved the seat because it would have just been within the 10 hours since I was last in the car.
travelbug1996 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 "She spazzed out because his seat was moved in HIS CAR? She is out of line. I can only imagine what other kinds of things she gets paranoid about. His reaction sounds like a build up of her insecurities. I don't agree with throwing things or being violent. I have many family and friends in my car and my seat is always moved. So what?? Either you trust your mate or you don't . " -----> You don't get it: he has no family here, all he has is one brother here in the same state as us and I asked him if it was his brother in the car and he said no. Also, he doesn't work, so he has no fellow employee friends. and he doesn't have any guy friends (we are both new to Los Angeles). He SAID that NO ONE had been in his car. Just me personally, I wouldn't want my mate asking intrusive questions like that. People deserve some privacy. Maybe it hurts him that you don't trust him. 1
Author MatrixLiz Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 "Maybe it hurts him that you don't trust him." Yes, that's exactly it; that's what he said. BUT what am I supposed to think when he lies to me (clearly, he must have been lieing because I see no other option) ? and every time that he feels hurt because it feels like I may not trust him (due to a big weird clue), he can't be yelling and screaming and swearing and hitting things and threatening to break up with me and taking me home right away so I just don't know hOw to salvage this
deathandtaxes Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Just me personally, I wouldn't want my mate asking intrusive questions like that. People deserve some privacy. Maybe it hurts him that you don't trust him. Privacy I understand. But his reaction to her question was unwarranted. I can't even begin to address OP's description of bf's behavior after - the finger poking, etc. That's all over the top and very, very concerning. Privacy is great until things happen that make you ask questions. Perhaps you haven't been on the receiving end of a string of lies, travelbug? That will make you chuck the privacy thing really quick. A mile in one's shoes, and all that. 2
leavesonautumn Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 We've been together for almost a year. Well, the think is, it was BOTH moved back AND reclined. He would have remembered if he moved the seat because it would have just been within the 10 hours since I was last in the car. Hmmm, I don't want to be presumptuous here but I feel like there may be something more going on here. Have you argued before about cheating? I was jealous in the beginning of my last relationship and I would often take a situation and make it more than it was. It took me a few months to figure that out and honestly, this situation sounds like something I would have done. My ex ended up getting angry a lot and getting emotional and hurt. I realize my paranoia did that, he was completely 100% innocent. It sounds like paranoia. I don't want to seem mean or like I'm blaming you for something. For all we know, he could have done something. But really, really look at this situation from an outsiders view and try to think about it logically. At the end of the day, from what you're saying, it seems like he probably has some anger issues. Is this what you want in a relationship? 2
travelbug1996 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 im not agreeing with his response. i think both of you were wrong. 1
travelbug1996 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Privacy I understand. But his reaction to her question was unwarranted. I can't even begin to address OP's description of bf's behavior after - the finger poking, etc. That's all over the top and very, very concerning. Privacy is great until things happen that make you ask questions. Perhaps you haven't been on the receiving end of a string of lies, travelbug? That will make you chuck the privacy thing really quick. A mile in one's shoes, and all that. i trust until given a reason not to. this is not a good reason in my opinion. he has a right to move his seat and not have to explain it.
xxmusical Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Assuming he didn't lie and didn't cheat (or anything), maybe he felt like reclining the seats is such a petty issue he didn't bother to explain in full detail (I admit I do that sometimes to my bf, not wanting to explain little bits because I'm lazy...bad I know). But nonetheless, his reaction afterwards was way over the top. I also want to ask, why did he assume you were accusing him of cheating immediately? Did you say anything about him cheating? Was cheating an issue you two have spoken about recently? Have you always been insecure about him?
Author MatrixLiz Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Hmmm, I don't want to be presumptuous here but I feel like there may be something more going on here. Have you argued before about cheating? I was jealous in the beginning of my last relationship and I would often take a situation and make it more than it was. It took me a few months to figure that out and honestly, this situation sounds like something I would have done. My ex ended up getting angry a lot and getting emotional and hurt. I realize my paranoia did that, he was completely 100% innocent. It sounds like paranoia. I don't want to seem mean or like I'm blaming you for something. For all we know, he could have done something. But really, really look at this situation from an outsiders view and try to think about it logically. At the end of the day, from what you're saying, it seems like he probably has some anger issues. Is this what you want in a relationship? I have heard him tell me before that he has anger issues. Anger I can handle I guess (since everyone has one fault or another), it's the LIEing and physically hurting me a bit (and saying "I don't care, you've hurt ME") that I don't like (and I couldn't accept cheating either.. IF that even happened). So then, if he's not cheating, why couldn't he just tell me, "yeah I dropped this guy/girl I know off at work" (or whatever the innocent reason is) ? It's the lack of a straight answer that REALLY seems suspicious. Have we argued before about cheating? Well, before him and I were officially a couple, this girl spent the night at his place because apparently she needed help or something. They didn't have sex, but she was in the same bed as him.. and she had seen a picture of him and I and she broke the picture... when he saw me, he told me that the airline broke it. I found out about the girl because I bumped in to her on the street (we all live in the same district of Los Angeles.. so you bump in to people). And also before we were officially a couple, he would get late night and early morning text messages from this Patrisha girl (whom he said "she's . . . someone that I know . . . you don't have to worry about her" and then changed the subject). And then once when we WERE officially together but just in an argument for 2 weeks... but he knew that I was planning to come see him again because we had established that - anyhow, so when we reunited after that mini 2 week separation, I saw condoms in his travel bag. and I didn't know why they would be in there if he only has sex with me because he doesn't bring that bag around when he's out with me (I just go to his house when we make love..and his condoms had normally been in a cabinet). and I also got sick (throwing up and everything) from him after reuniting after the separation... which made me think that maybe he had at least been kissing someone else and thus had germs that he doesn't normally have. but I mean, he has always treated me like a princess and has gone out of his way to make me feel like his number one priority. So, I feel bad that someone so great (my BF) can have a bad dark side that doesn't treat me well (that yells and swears at me and makes me afraid to bring up issues/questions to him). I don't know what to do
leavesonautumn Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Alright, just from what I'm reading I'm getting two things here... One is that he has done some super sketchy stuff that anyone would wonder about, especially when done at the beginning of a relationship. I can see why you don't fully trust him. The other is that you are being super paranoid (you got sick because he got germs from kissing someone else? How did your mind go there?). Again, I don't want to come across as mean, I just want to help you but being paranoid and worrying is only going to hurt YOU. Whether he has cheated or not, you're hurting yourself. I don't think you will ever fully trust him. My advice would be to end the relationship now before it gets worse. Besides that, could you live with his dark side? Could you live with never trusting him? 1
todreaminblue Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I think you should tell him how you feel and ask would he be willing to do anger management courses with you...offer to come with him......because honestly they dont hurt to do at all.....its shows a willingness to progress in your relationship as well..........he could be dealing with issues that he hasnt spoken of with you and it culminated in him over reacting when you asked him a question because he has other things on his mind causing an inability to relax and be calm..... i think anger management would benefit both of you...it would benefit you because then you learn the strategies he is learning and you can help him implementing them in every day life...people might tell you its not your responsibility but i say if you want a relationship to be good and progress it is your responsibility as well..not other people to say but yours to change......not just one sided change but a meld of strategies to develop stronger bonds....... one sidedness at effort well that builds resentment walls instead of breaking them down with good strong bonds of effort and time spent together in that effort, it all helps with communication and trust building,having and reaching a mutual desire of a strong weather proof relationship...relationships arent all plain sailing and fair winds by the head ..its slopping through the muck on deck as well during rogue waves and battening down hatches that spring open all the way through your journey...............good luck....deb
hoping2heal Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Oh gawd, I'm sorry. He is so guilty. His reaction says it all, especially the part about giving you his heart all for nothing? Yeah, guilty. 4
Andy_K Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Clearly guilty with that reaction. Also, clearly very bad tempered. And let's face it, not very bright either. Find someone better. Much better. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 He's done something he shouldn't have done. His reaction is hugely inappropriate and manipulative as hell. He justifies being physically aggressive with you? Oh, f*ck no. That is the talk of an abuser. Your boyfriend is an angry man who is dangerous to your well-being. Let's at least cut the crap on that. A knight and prince charming? I think not. Has he been physical with you before? Given his history, you already know he's shady. You know he's lied in the past about other girls. Why would expect him to suddenly be transparent now? By itself, a re-positioned car seat doesn't mean much. I would understand him being upset if this were an isolated incident and always having to defend himself against accusations of cheating. That is not the case here. Together with his background and wildly over-the-top reaction, it is extremely suspicious. He's an ass. Crying and hitting things because you've offended him by asking about this is absolute, 100% BS. Find a more mature man. 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I got asked this very thing by a partner once and I swear no one had been in my car at all
isisisweeping Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Did you accuse him of cheating or did you just innocently ask why the car seat was moved and he flew off the handle? If the latter, I'd be suspicious. Overblown reactions and turning things back on you are a sign of no-good. If you regularly act jealous and asked in an accusatory manner, then his reaction might be frustration of an innocent person. 1
GoreSP Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I'm going to play devil's advocate here but about his reaction - maybe he was having a really **** day and, I mean, you did get all suspicious about how his car seat was in a different position… We all have those days. Not that his reaction is ok… Also, if you are always on his ass for 'cheating' or 'lying' (And I'm going to assume you are because, you know, you just spazzed out out over a car seat….) it's kind of understandable that he would be fed up at some point. Again, not that his reaction is ok but this is how I'm seeing it from the outside. I think you (just you) need to start assessing your insecurities and get them in check. You either trust him and stay with him (and stop spazzing out over little details like this) or you decide that you don't trust him and leave him. No use putting both of you through this forever...
Diezel Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 No one here can 100% tell you without the proper context. We have no idea what kind of accusatory tone you might have used or not used. I've gotten the same question asked twice in my lifetime by two different people and one was completely facetious while the other was completely accusatory. Both times, it was due to laundry day or vacuuming of my car... but I can tell you that my reaction was a LOT more negative when I felt like I was being accused of something. I think this situation just brought up a LOT of trust issues that aren't going away anytime soon between the two of you. 1
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