would you date someone who hooked up with a married man or woman?

[Nickierose19]

I'm just wondering. My bf hooked up with a MM. He was his boss. I think it was actually a strategy thing more than anything. His boss had a wife and kids but he didn't seem to be disrespectful directly to the wife. He did that before in high school at this time he was 18. He had a friends with benefits relationship with another married guy and even dated a guy with girlfriend but it was mainly to get back at his gf really it seemed. He's never been unfaithful to anyone he was with he just broke up with them. In part I just always thought he never valued relationships much. He grew up without a dad so maybe that's why he's less committed. Yet he's constantly assured me he's been this way because he's always felt no one was the one like I am to him. I've always been aware of his feelings for me but just kept it as friends with benefits because I didn't think he could do it. He could commit. Reason I decided to give him a chance is because sometimes I felt a bit like jealous sometimes. Like I sort of always wanted to be in relationship but I just didn't want it to end. But it's like he's so quick to end things and break up over such small things now I always feel paranoid. Of people he may find to be better than me or if I do this or that wrong? Sometimes it just gets stressful. It just tends to make me feel a little insecure.

Edited June 29, 2014 by Nickierose19

[Grumpybutfun]

No, I wouldn't because, as you already said, they don't value relationships much. They also have a lack of morals I find I want in a person. He is telling you exactly who he is. Red flags are waving all over your post that this guy isn't an attachment kind of guy. Don't let one sentence about you being different blind you to his disregard for relationships and attachment.

Good luck,

Grumps

[MidwestUSA]

You're dating a guy who hooks up with guys? Doesn't that bother you at least as much as the fact that the men were married/taken?

 

Or are you a guy?

[DArtagnan2]

I wouldn't hook up with anyone who was with someone who was married.

 

You story, as written, would worry me as well. If it was me, it would be hard to be in a relationship if I had to walk on egg shells so not to upset someone since they seem to break up quickly if something goes wrong. Im more about working through things unless they are so extreme they just can't be worked through and I would want to be with someone who is similar in that thought as well.

 

If this worries you now, I am not sure I would suggest sticking with someone who would be quick to jump regardless of any "reason" (excuse) that they would use.

 

The past can certainly shape someone, but one would hope it would be that someone would take their past and step above it to be a better person, not to let it be their crutch to hurt others or an excuse for their actions. To me, its a choice one makes in how they act regardless of where they came from. Its his choice to be in the relationships and make the decisions he has.

[regine_phalange]

Situations can be complex. I will explain.

 

So, let's say there is a young man who meets an older woman who is beautiful and waiting for the divorce to be finalized. He starts dating her, gets attached.. Until he finds out that the woman lied to him, and she actually still lives with her husband and they never filed for divorce. If he was offended and disgusted because he values family, then, in this case, I would feel some sympathy.

 

And let's say there is this young man who knows beforehand that a woman is married. He knows she has children, and he knows that her husband is a nice man. Well, this man I wouldn't want even to have as a friend, because with his choice he could cause pain to a whole family. And I would think he doesn't value family in general, so I would never be able to see future with him.

 

Of course there is the case where a man dates a woman who is married, they break up, and he starts feeling very bad remorses after some years, because that's when he became wiser. On one hand I could sympathize, because everyone makes mistakes. But on the other hand, there are mistakes and there are mistakes.

 

In your case, his "you are unique" thing is a common line that cheaters say. What the hell, does he expect you to say "oh, thank you for the compliment darling!"? Or could be that he just wants you to feel inadequate, which by the way he managed to do skillfully. Please...

[Nickierose19]

You're dating a guy who hooks up with guys? Doesn't that bother you at least as much as the fact that the men were married/taken?

 

Or are you a guy?

No I'm a girl my bf is equally bisexual he's had relationships with women and men. The ones with women actually seem to last longer while the ones with men are just really sexual with not that much emotional substance but he's dated both guys and girls he's been involved with more guy from my observation though. And no not at all I've known him long enough to know he's not gay. If he were gay he wouldn't want to have sex with me so much or desire a relationship. As he's the one who has had the feelings for me since we met. And that was odd back then because socially he was considered gay. So I've always known he liked girls.

Edited June 29, 2014 by Nickierose19

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sweetie, this has crazy written all over it.

 

To answer your question, I would not feel comfortable dating someone who was so irresponsible. I'm a woman who is attracted to more than just looks and charm. A man's character and integrity is not only very important to me but extremely attractive.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't appear to value relationships in the least and instead chooses to be reckless. Is that really the kind of man you want to be with?

 

And P.S. if you're still sleeping with him, I hope you're practicing safe sex!

[aprilisi]

My mom always said a cheater never changes. So, the simple answer is no.

 

But it isn't always as simple as yes or no. Nobody is squeky clean, so no one has the right to judge someone else. I fell in love with a married man years ago. I knew him and his wife for years before. She is queen b***h. And I'm not just saying that to make the situation look better. She was, and still is a horrible person.

 

Yes, we had an affair. And no, I don't feel good about it. But it happened. Made a rule after that I wouldn't even date seperated guys and have stuck to it. For this reason I do not judge others that do.

 

Now serial cheaters....its impossible not to judge them.

[nerd]

People make their own choices. If the MW doesn't care about her marriage enough to turn me down, why should I do it for her?

[Nickierose19]

My mom always said a cheater never changes. So, the simple answer is no.

 

But it isn't always as simple as yes or no. Nobody is squeky clean, so no one has the right to judge someone else. I fell in love with a married man years ago. I knew him and his wife for years before. She is queen b***h. And I'm not just saying that to make the situation look better. She was, and still is a horrible person.

 

Yes, we had an affair. And no, I don't feel good about it. But it happened. Made a rule after that I wouldn't even date seperated guys and have stuck to it. For this reason I do not judge others that do.

 

Now serial cheaters....its impossible not to judge them.

Well he doesn't personally cheat he's even said he'd never be in a serious relationship with a cheater. He only had sex with the married guys nothing serious. When we were in high school he did date one guy who had a gf but it was more a ploy than anything at the time he was 15 so really immature basically. He never was disrespectful to the MM's W though.

[fortyninethousand322]

I don't want nor need to know about anyone's sexual or relationship history. So, ideally this would not be a factor.

[ascendotum]

People make their own choices. If the MW doesn't care about her marriage enough to turn me down, why should I do it for her?

 

I still think you should empathise with the MW's husband. Like put yourself in his shoes, and would hope your wife was not sucking off other opportunistic guys like you, behind your back. From your perspective its not cheating and you are a free agent, but I still view it as morally wrong, and being happy having sex with the cheating spouse, really should give any potential bg/gf/wife/husband a heads up that this person has flexible morals when it comes to cheating. No they have not cheated, but they don't view people who do negatively, and they are happy to facilitate it, and they don't have any empathy for husbands/wives who are getting backdoored (cheating term) behind their back, so I don't think it unreasonable for their partner to assume they could make the small leap and rationalize doing it to them. I find a lot of people these days don't feel any shame in shagging someone else's partner, and are happy to admit it, and in quite a few women's cases, happy to get sympathy as the OW.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Well he doesn't personally cheat he's even said he'd never be in a serious relationship with a cheater. He only had sex with the married guys nothing serious. When we were in high school he did date one guy who had a gf but it was more a ploy than anything at the time he was 15 so really immature basically. He never was disrespectful to the MM's W though.

 

Wait whaaaat?!?

 

So f*cking a MM isn't considered cheating in your world?

 

Oh and he "was never disrespectful to the MM's W"?!? Really???? So f*cking her husband behind her back was just him being neighborly?

 

Give me break.

 

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth and making absolutely no sense at all. Can you not see the crazy logic in your postings?

 

You sound very cold and detached the way to speak about his inappropriate and reckless behavior like it's a game that can all be justified.

 

Maybe you're a match made in heaven after all.

[Nickierose19]

Yeah but I'm not really happy being friends with benefits either and I love his company as he loves mine but what comes with it just is a big ball of stress. I should feel fully comfortable that he won't leave me for another woman or man. But I've seen him do it all the time. And he doesn't even seem to care after his break up like acts like it was good while it lasted but if it's an inconvenience he's out. I don't want to deal with that. But it's like whether as friends or a relationship I still have the same feelings I'm fighting. Our friendship is anyone like partners it's basically just denial but when we're friends I get jealous of when he's with someone else. Sometimes does it on purpose. When we started to become more than just normal friends he wanted to push it into a relationship. I declined. He went out and had pretty crazy weekend with some random girl we knew and sent me photos of everything making me feel jealous. There'd be that tension between us because we both wanted something other than what we actually getting. I know he's got a bad past but that's half of the problem it seems.

 

I wouldn't hook up with anyone who was with someone who was married.

 

You story, as written, would worry me as well. If it was me, it would be hard to be in a relationship if I had to walk on egg shells so not to upset someone since they seem to break up quickly if something goes wrong. Im more about working through things unless they are so extreme they just can't be worked through and I would want to be with someone who is similar in that thought as well.

 

If this worries you now, I am not sure I would suggest sticking with someone who would be quick to jump regardless of any "reason" (excuse) that they would use.

 

The past can certainly shape someone, but one would hope it would be that someone would take their past and step above it to be a better person, not to let it be their crutch to hurt others or an excuse for their actions. To me, its a choice one makes in how they act regardless of where they came from. Its his choice to be in the relationships and make the decisions he has.

[somedude81]

I seriously hope you've been tested for STD's recently.

 

As a woman, having sex with a bisexual guy is extremely risky.

[SmartDude]

Hmmm touchy subject for sure. I am more on the side of personal choice for the so called "cheaters" in marriages. Not every relationship lasts forever. Sometimes the transition to a new relationship takes place unexpectedly and going outside the marirage is what may bring it about.

 

Now of course the above paragraph sounds absolutely void of morals to some people, but when you think about it in terms of a whole life view, it is somewhat of a neutral matter. Marriages and relationshps do end. Its really foolish and more painful to hang on to this idea of permanancy and ownership over other peoples lives.

 

Married people have a contract with each other. If I decide to sleep with a married woman, I am not thinking about some guys wife and kids. There is no obligation on my part to honor his family just because its there. I have no relationship with the guy or the kids, my relationship would be to the cheating wife. Just because the guy had a family with her and married her does NOT mean he owns her for life....THough alot of guys think like that and are shocked when they find themselves alone.

 

Conversely, if I was a married guy and my wife was cheating on me, I would not try to go beat up the other guy or try to talk to him. Me and that dude have no relation to each other. My relationship is with my cheating wife.

 

Now having said all that, would I use discretion? Absolutely. It would have to be a case by case decision. Blanket statements such as "sleeping with married women is bad" fails to take into account real world complexities.

[Nickierose19]

I was addressing what she was talking about. She was saying her MM's W was a B***ch. He never talked poorly of the MM's W. He didn't fall in love with him either. He's the type wh can have sex with a guy he hates if he wanted to so he didn't have to make the connection. Or ruin anyone's marriage. That's all I was saying.

 

The MM was cheating I was just saying my boyfriend who hooked up with the MM never has cheated on anyone because he won't get into that drama he'd rather just break up which he does quite often.

 

 

Wait whaaaat?!?

 

So f*cking a MM isn't considered cheating in your world?

 

Oh and he "was never disrespectful to the MM's W"?!? Really???? So f*cking her husband behind her back was just him being neighborly?

 

Give me break.

 

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth and making absolutely no sense at all. Can you not see the crazy logic in your postings?

 

You sound very cold and detached the way to speak about his inappropriate and reckless behavior like it's a game that can all be justified.

 

Maybe you're a match made in heaven after all.

I'm not cold I'm just telling it like it is.

[ascendotum]

.... Sometimes does it on purpose. When we started to become more than just normal friends he wanted to push it into a relationship. I declined. He went out and had pretty crazy weekend with some random girl we knew and sent me photos of everything making me feel jealous. There'd be that tension between us because we both wanted something other than what we actually getting. I know he's got a bad past but that's half of the problem it seems.

 

Its not his past that's pretty ****ty, if he sends you pics of himself getting oral or whatever from girls he bonks on the weekends to make you jealous. Great strategy if its designed to make you desire him more as a sort after man. I'm being facetious, but It seems its almost working.

You really don't have many other guys show interest in you?

[SmartDude]

lol, I read the thread more carfully.

 

I must have been thinking of some other thread on here. whoops sorry.

[Nickierose19]

Its not his past that's pretty ****ty, if he sends you pics of himself getting oral or whatever from girls he bonks on the weekends to make you jealous. Great strategy if its designed to make you desire him more as a sort after man. I'm being facetious, but It seems its almost working.

You really don't have many other guys show interest in you?

 

 

That was his past it was when we started sleeping together which was years ago we were both 18 and didn't talk for awhile. But there have been others he's tried to push for me to make me feel jealous. Make me want to be with him more than I already did.

 

I actually have had bfs during the friendship I was in a 3 year relationship in high school then after that it got sketchy I've not really fallen since my first guy that hard. Well besides my current bf I have always felt those feelings but tried to fight them really.

[TheGuard13]

People make mistakes. And some of the mistakes are a little more complicated than just people being terrible people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I myself had a brief emotional/somewhat physical affair with a married woman a few years ago.

 

 

I dated a woman who had a nine year-long affair with her married boss.

 

 

The girl I'm dating now dated a married man for a while, then found out he was in fact, recently married, and had a bit of a time detaching.

 

 

I tend to care more about how someone treats me, not what they've done in the past. The fact that they "might" cheat doesn't really enter into it that much. Anyone might cheat.

[Nickierose19]

Situations can be complex. I will explain.

 

So, let's say there is a young man who meets an older woman who is beautiful and waiting for the divorce to be finalized. He starts dating her, gets attached.. Until he finds out that the woman lied to him, and she actually still lives with her husband and they never filed for divorce. If he was offended and disgusted because he values family, then, in this case, I would feel some sympathy.

 

And let's say there is this young man who knows beforehand that a woman is married. He knows she has children, and he knows that her husband is a nice man. Well, this man I wouldn't want even to have as a friend, because with his choice he could cause pain to a whole family. And I would think he doesn't value family in general, so I would never be able to see future with him.

 

Of course there is the case where a man dates a woman who is married, they break up, and he starts feeling very bad remorses after some years, because that's when he became wiser. On one hand I could sympathize, because everyone makes mistakes. But on the other hand, there are mistakes and there are mistakes.

 

In your case, his "you are unique" thing is a common line that cheaters say. What the hell, does he expect you to say "oh, thank you for the compliment darling!"? Or could be that he just wants you to feel inadequate, which by the way he managed to do skillfully. Please...

Well I never worried about him since the guys I was involved with were straight and plus he never did that to someone he was friends with because he tends to value friendships more than marriage.

 

 

I'm not but one thing that makes me doubt is like how come he's had undivided interest in being with me for 5 years now.

 

 

And also to mention yet again he's never dated a MM. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about my bf who doesn't seem to value relationships.

[Nickierose19]

I seriously hope you've been tested for STD's recently.

 

As a woman, having sex with a bisexual guy is extremely risky.

 

He's really responsible with condoms and stays protected actually. I'm quite the same I have never had an std from him or any std in my life. So I'm fine there thanks for caring.

[Nickierose19]

Sweetie, this has crazy written all over it.

 

To answer your question, I would not feel comfortable dating someone who was so irresponsible. I'm a woman who is attracted to more than just looks and charm. A man's character and integrity is not only very important to me but extremely attractive.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't appear to value relationships in the least and instead chooses to be reckless. Is that really the kind of man you want to be with?

 

And P.S. if you're still sleeping with him, I hope you're practicing safe sex!

 

 

I know like sometimes I think maybe he'll change with me logically I can't give a reason why besides that he's had an interest in me for 5 years now. He didn't get over it after it got physical either. I know he's not using me for sex. Because he'd have no interest in making it exclusive. How he treats me is different from the usual but I don't really get why. He doesn't value relationships so why would want one with me so badly? It makes no sense to me.

[phineas]

I think people talk way too much about their sexual past these days.

I don't care who someone slept with and its none of their business who I've slept with unless...its someone I we both know and will be around.

 

But I make that clear to women ahead of time.