lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 (edited) Hi Friends, I was in a 1 yr long relationship with a guy and it seemed like this relationship was rock hard, unbreakable! I'm in my mid-30s. It was my longest so far We both thought we were perfect for each other. We had a lot in common. We dreamt about future vacation spots, talked about our family and had even talked about marriage how/where. So it was a really serious relationship. At the time I would think, it's too good to be true and it was...just didn't realise at the time. We were very close, lived together, shared everything in life for a year. Before that we were good friends. We use to tell each other that we would stay together for ever, in this life and the next! Now I think it was childish! I met all his friends his parents. We travelled together to holiday spots beaches etc. I was so heartbroken. He left me one day prior to our 1 yr anniversary. We had booked tickets/hotels to return to San Diego for the weekend as it all started there. Anyways, I left that city because I couldn't deal with the memories. I ran, as I did before and before that as well. I'm not sure if I'm meant to be with someone, don't really believe in THE ONE anymore. I came back to my parents house and was very depressed. Actually my prolonged depression was complicated because I had a major back problem that prevented me from travel, so I resigned from my job. So I was in financial, personal and physical crisis. I did everything people would think of telling me. I took him off my Facebook the day left me, all mutual friends, I severed all connections, the last one was Linked In and I severed that 2-3 mo ago too. Didn't want to see his updates. Texted a bit in the beginning but then DONE. There are still sometimes I go to this Facebook page but very rarely. Shouldn't because it brings only sadness. 8 months later, a couple of minutes ago, I had a sec to think about life. Actually it was because I had a headache so was lying down. I've been distracted, busy applying for jobs, my physical condition is much better and I'm fitter. Also planning a move to New York. The moment I think about life, he comes into my mind, then everything comes back hard, emotions & feelings, I look in the past and I see myself happy which is not reality. I started crying like a baby. I had blocked him from my mind for the past 8 mo. I tried therapy but didn't like the therapist, thought i'd do it on my own. THE PROBLEM: I've realised that I have a great deal of feelings, emotions, broken dreams bottled up in the back of my mind with a lid on top which was ever so slightly taken off and it's back on now after a lot of crying and grief. I don't know what to do, been playing tennis, working out, applying for jobs, not meeting a lot of people. I don't want to date. I don't feel healed and can't think of being with another person, only to have heartache again. I could stay alone but I feel this sadness will not leave me. Don't people say it takes half the time to get over someone that you've been with? It has to be wrong. Edited June 29, 2014 by lesdeuxsoleils
smackie9 Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Well you did just about everything right except releasing the pain. You need to face your pain, feel it, and then let it go. Look up this link The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central This will guide you through the grief and help start the healing process. You should also keep a journal to write down your feelings, your thoughts, and express your anger. Write letters to him, but don't send them. This will help you with that release. best or luck on your journey to happiness.
Author lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 Believe me, I cried cried cried for days, weeks a month, longer and then I had to put an end to it because I had to do things to start a new life, apply and get a job. If I continued to cry, I wouldn't be able to do anything. For me actually it's even more complicated. I'm depressive in Bipolar. So I think I was more depressed that normal people even. I was put on heavy dozes of medication when all this happened. I still take them because I have not normalised completely, dunno if I will. If I get really upset I need to take medication for the sake of my health. I typically use a relaxant when I cry because of relationship issues because then it never stops...any other ideas?
zen2475 Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 I agree with the previous poster. My break up occurred just about one year ago. It was THE hardest thing I've ever been through. One thing I did allow myself from the beginning was to allow myself to feel all the emotions that came with it. There were many days spent crying and wondering why he left me out of the blue. There were many days I was very angry and it the anger was just so overwhelming. But grief is not a linear process, and I knew I would be on an emotional roller coaster for a while and that it would just take time. There are no time frames for healing. Every person is different, as was each relationship. You have also had physical and other issues to deal with, and that only exacerbates the healing process. Allow yourself more time to heal, and feel those emotions. Eventually things do get better, bit by bit. It doesn't happen over night. Just focus on your new life and what will make you happy.
Author lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 I understand it takes time, thanks for your thoughts. Best wishes.
smackie9 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I'm not a believer of medication, especially when it goes into long term because it can eventually have adverse affects, or lead to dependance. So maybe, like the other poster mentioned, the medication is causing this to prolong itself because it is stopping you from getting those feeling and emotions out. Since you have a condition that is life long, dealing with traumatic situations will take a little longer. Tip: not all therapists are not the same. If you feel you are not getting the help you need, find someone else. Your best bet is to pay another visit to your doctor and find another game plan. I truly believe you can beat this soon, you have done way more than most I have given advise to.
sugarlove Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Allow yourself to experience the ups and downs, some days will be hard, that's life, the man is gone, but the memories remains. Moving on needs time but not just time, you have to make a conscious choice to move on. My break up was almost 3 months ago and very similar to you. But looking back now to the first time I posted on LS, it's almost like 2 different people. At first, I too was disheartened and disappointed in myself that I can't let go, I can't give up and I can't move on. But eventually, I did. And so will you. Allow yourself to feel all the grief because eventually you'll get tired of feeling like this. Whenever a thought of him pops up in my head, I blocked it out by will. I refused to allow myself to put him on a pedestal because if I did, I'll be sad of his loss. Get perspective from friends and family, those who see him clearer than you. This guy you missed and grieved over, he is gone. He is not your soulmate because he left you. A guy who runs when things get tough is not suitable for marriage so be thankful to the heavens that he left. This is his fundamental flaw as a life partner. Remember that you deserve someone better. So you can do it, you seemed like a very strong person to have got to where you are, it's admirable. Keep going, you'll get there. 1
smackie9 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 lesdeuxsoleils did you get proper closure?? did he tell you why?
Author lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Sugarlove, it seems like I did exactly what you did, blocking him off my mind. It has been useful so far. I've been able to strengthen my back, play tennis which s my passion, work out and even lost 20 Ibs that I wanted to lose for a long time! I've also managed to get interviews for jobs so let' see. The blocking allowed myself not to think of him but still there were bad times. I suppose I have to continue on with this until I'm indifferent although I can't see this being in the near future but I'll keep trying. He just meant a lot to me. I did everything for him that a wife would do, literally. Smakie9 I got somewhat of a closure... For some background: I was on disability but I was being paid by workers compensation so I was not financially dependant on him at all. In fact I paid all the bills and took care of everything, he just reimbursed me. It was my apt to begin with and he moved in with me, sharing the rent and costs etc. I also had a car, mini cooper and let him use it all the time without thinking about it even once. He also used it when I was out of town taking his friends out when they visited us etc. I'm also very fashionable and into designer wear. I even write a blog, in case you guys are interested:La Mode Mondiale I believed in buying things of quality and not quantity and I could afford them. He had an issue with this. He was extremely conservative in spending and had a problem with me buying things from my own money. I bought him more designer wear than I bought for myself though. Moving on to the closure. The day of the breakup my back was hurting so I was lying down and he called me from the kitchen. I went and he was sort of crying a little and said "I love you but I cannot marry you so I'm leaving." I was stunned. He put the keys down while I cried and left in 5m. I went to see later and his closet was empty. I couldn't believe it. I texted him in the evening as I was shocked and asked him that I need an explanation so he said he could come the next day. He came, I even offered him OJ when he came. I also let him pick up some stuff that was left later, that too was very painful for me. Someone else would have thrown it away or burned it! I was too hurt to do so. His explanation was that I was excessive in everything, spending and cleaning and that we cleaned the entire weekend. That was a lie, I did everything, he only did laundry once a week which I did sometimes. He said I was financially unstable and he couldn't not plan a future with me, having a family etc. because I don't save. If we had a family I would obviously put their needs first and spend less on myself, he didn't understand this, I had told him before as well. Then he said we cannot even play tennis together anymore. I am an advanced player and played at a private club in the past years for 6+ years before injury, always matches. He always wanted to rally. I did in the beginning when I restarted. Once we had a fight on court and he really hurt me. I told him I would just join the club and play there with other players. He used to play with other friends and not invite me to play with them. He told me you can't join the club because you don't have the money!! I told him I do and I will. The next day I joined! He did apologise but I suppose he didn't mean it. I said what's the guarantee the next girl you meet will even play tennis! He continued to say that we had nothing in common, you want to go to France and I want to stay here. He was French. I knew this before we started our relationship and said that I would not leave without him. He told me that I made him promise that we would go after a few years, I didn't force him, he made the promise! He also said that he came to America a year ago and wanted to adventure and discover new things which was not possible with me. I was surprised because we went to many vacation spots and used MY hotel points to live in hotels like Hyatt for free. He didn't even pick up the room service bill once and we split the next time. I didn't think much of it as I could afford it. As far as the major issue concerned, I told him that we didn't have to decide on marriage then (which we had agreed we would at the 1 year point) We could do it later when I rejoin work. He said, "NO I REALLY NEED A BREAK." I said to him I have nothing more to say to you, you can leave. He sat around a little bit and said O you took me off Facebook. I said yeah, you left me!!! He said yeah but I would like to keep in touch to know how you are doing etc. And I said forget about me! He also said I do love you and I told him that You Think You Love Me and you don't actually love me because if you did we wouldn't be talking about this right now. He used to say I love you like one says "Hi." He said maybe. He finally left and I was even more upset than before. He blamed me for everything! I did see a therapist and she was trying to get me out of a self-blame mode, a talk did help but I couldn't continue on with therapy. I needed more than that. That's when I decided to leave the city. I couldn't bear being in the same place as him, living in the same apt we shared. I thought I would go back to France, where I studied, after all I stayed in the U.S for him. Long story short, this was the closure I got... Edited June 30, 2014 by lesdeuxsoleils
sugarlove Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) My dear, you don't escape the hurt, because it'll bite you back later down the road. What you wrote tells me that he is a commitment phobe and will use anything to blame you for the relationship not working out. My issue is similar but somewhat different... he wanted to marry me but I wasn't ready due to a bad marriage so I did pick something to cause him to initiate the breakup. It was a cowardly move and this is what your ex is doing as well, using excuses to break up. I wanted him to fight for me, but he never did.. so screw him eh? I find that if you can't agree with your ex with the small issues, you won't be able to work through the big issues. Now that you've written everything down, it must have been hard, trying to recollect the memories. But stop it now, erase the last remnant of the breakup scene in your head. Remember his face, how cold it was and how unloving he looked. Remember that face and every time you miss him, remember how surreal and hurt you feel. I find it helps a lot for me to remember the bad crap at the end, to the point I no longer remember how he looks like when we were happy. Strange but it will happen to you as well! Keep going, i did seek counselling and it was really the best thing I did for myself. Friends are great therapists albeit abit biased but they will eventually talk you out of the pain. I hope you have someone close you can share these worries with.. if not, posting here will definitely help. Edited June 30, 2014 by sugarlove 1
Author lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Thank you for your kind words. I just deleted an album of our photos on Facebook which I had and then uploaded it again, it's gone now! I think i'll remember his face when he said, "No I really need a break!" every time I think of him. It will remind me that he couldn't care less about me a day after a he left me and was cold! I agree with everything you said. It's really helped me my friend. I wish you all the best if life, health, wealth and happiness 1
emotionalMess Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 How often do you check his facebook page? How can you do this if he is blocked? You are purposely hurting yourself as soon as you check. Get rid of your facebook account until you are healed. Start it up again after. Checking his facebook page is like stalking. Stay out of his business or the pain will continue.
Author lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Well, I checked it last night but honestly I don't check it often. I didn't block him, just removed him from my friend list. I won't look again until I'm healed. I know what you mean.
sugarlove Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Thank you for your kind words. I just deleted an album of our photos on Facebook which I had and then uploaded it again, it's gone now! I think i'll remember his face when he said, "No I really need a break!" every time I think of him. It will remind me that he couldn't care less about me a day after a he left me and was cold! I agree with everything you said. It's really helped me my friend. I wish you all the best if life, health, wealth and happiness Glad to help.. I've been there and sometimes I do still regress but we can only move forward and upwards! You'll do better, I promise. He wanted a break.. give it to him. And don't take him back, you can do this! In fact, better yourself and let him suffer the consequences of his decision. Living better is the best revenge.
Author lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Yes, he deserves much worse! I told him at the time that what goes around comes around, he's bound to be doomed at some point. It's my well wish for him I feel so much better after all the responses, this forum is great! I will definitely try to help others as well. 1
emotionalMess Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 When you feel the urge to check on him, post here. I couldn't stop myself from checking out her profile page every once in a while so I got rid of it. Each time I did, it hurt bad. Don't be like me or be like me, and get rid of it for a period of time. You can always start up again later.
Author lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 I will post here. But I feel so much better now, that I don't think I'll look at his page anymore, if so, just out of curiosity. Actually his page still has his postings with me in them, from the time we went to Miami to meet his parents and then after that, the time I took him as a guest to the tennis club, he just changed his profile picture, unless he's made other things private but I don't care anymore!
Author lesdeuxsoleils Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 I've posted on this forum a lot but only 2 threads concerning me. The links are: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/483281-breakup-shock-no-recovery-8-mo-later http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/483476-always-complications-failures-relationships I've had zero relationships that lasted so far and that has become unacceptable to me, the centre of my attention. The last breakup 8 mo ago has a major part to play in the condition I'm in now. I'm bipolar since 11yrs so I know that I am having an anxiety attack but I've never had one before so it's all new territory. I just took relaxant and waiting to hear from my psychiatrist. Any thoughts would be appreciated. All my close friends are abroad. I did share with my mom because she knew about my last long-term serious relationship and how it ended.
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Not too many people on here are doctors. Did yours ever get back to you? Maybe you should just concentrate on your breath right now and slow it down. Breathe from your stomach because it's a deeper breath. If you are able to slow it down enough, breathe in for ten seconds and out for ten seconds. I hope you're okay... 1
Author lesdeuxsoleils Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Not yet. Waiting, resting, put on some music, doing nothing really, overwhelmed
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Not yet. Waiting, resting, put on some music, doing nothing really, overwhelmed That sucks I wonder what triggered it?
irresolute Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Calm down. A panic attack is not dangerous, it's just botthersome.
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Know the saying "curiosity killed the cat" ? Stop looking. I know what you are looking for when you visit his page, and yes it will kill you. He has no purpose in your life anymore, there is no reason for you to "look" not now not ever.
Author lesdeuxsoleils Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 I agree with you. Dunno how I would react to anything I see on his page so it's better not to. I had a bad panic attack yesterday because of this breakup and all failed relationships prior to this breakup which was the worst of them all. I should stay away. Thanks for your response.
Author lesdeuxsoleils Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 OMG it was a nightmare. I've never had a anxiety/panic attack before in my 11 years of Bipolar history. I've always known what happens when it happens and what to do. It was because of my last breakup of the 1 year long relationship. I had bottled up all the feelings and blocked them for a months and everything came rushing out last night along with thoughts that all my relationships have failed so far. There was also self blame, because my ex blamed me for everything. Reasons that were not to be blamed for as well. He was a cold hearted bastard in the end after all the love I gave him. I talked to my aunt who is a psychiatrist on the phone and she asked me to take another relaxant that I had already taken a couple of hours ago. Then I took my night medication and went to sleep. I never wake up this early but I woke up at 6:30am where I'm at. Strange. Also spoke to my psychiatrist a while ago on the phone and she said, they are not dangerous like the previous poster said. At least I'll know what to do, if it occurs again god forbid. I'm very vulnerable, I thought I was past the initial misery but it's come back to bite me.
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