Len31 Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Yeah that's practically what my boyfriend of a few months told me recently. He also told me that's he's busy with work which I admit he is cos he has a crazy work schedule which I totally know coming into this relationships. So he can't spend much time for us which I think is effecting the relationships. Not sure what I want from posting this. Perhaps some thoughts or anything. I truly love this guy and I just can't see myself without him. And he says I'm fantastic just that he feel he's being unfair to me because of what he mentioned there about himself.
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 The writing is on the wall with this guy. If you're okay with him being this way and have no plans to change him then great. But if you think for even a moment that sticking it out with him and nagging him to death about putting in more effort after he CLEARLY is telling you that he won't or can't, you're going to be in for a world of heartache. Relationships are a two-way street. If he's already warning you that he's doesn't have the time or energy to even try then U think that says it all. Figure out what you're willing to life with and without. And remember, when people tell you who they are, believe them. Another great Maya Angelou quote to live by. Good luck. 1
Author Len31 Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 I have been thinking about this lately and I wonder whether I can really live with this. I love him so much that I can't even fathom the thought of leaving him for any reason. Although we hardly meet perhaps once a week or so but we keep communicating via emails daily. I try to see that as positive response that he is trying his best to keep me. But there are days when I lay awake at home thinking this will be another day where I won't get to meet my boyfriend. It just feels kinda depressing.
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 What kind of future you have with him? How can you develop a meaningful relationship over email? You like being with a man that puts himself down? He says he is boring, mechanical and not romantic and seems to be ok with that, why should he put any efforts in growing into something better, after all you are ok with dating a man with a mediocre attitude about life and himself.
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 My husband refers to himself as Mr. Nomance. A play on no romance. When I want him to do something romantic. . . I spell it all out for him in no uncertain terms. For example, we went on a cruise for our 5 year engagement anniversary. We went on the same ship where he proposed. For our anniversary I wanted to sit in the same booth in the same restaurant. My clueless husband had no idea how to arrange that. I figured out who had the power to make it happen. I pointed him at the person & sat back until I got my "surprise" romantic dinner.
Author Len31 Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 Hahaha that is a nice story to hear. So how do you handle having a husband that is not romantic? I suppose that they are many men out there that is not as romantic as we want or expect them to be. Guess I just want to know how do we handle having such spouse in our life? It's nice to hear people sharing their experience etc
Author Len31 Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 What kind of future you have with him? How can you develop a meaningful relationship over email? You like being with a man that puts himself down? He says he is boring, mechanical and not romantic and seems to be ok with that, why should he put any efforts in growing into something better, after all you are ok with dating a man with a mediocre attitude about life and himself. I can certainly say you are right on that matter. Somehow face to face is needed in any of the relationships to work. For extra details he is a medical doctor and his life simply revolves around his patients and hospital. It is little depressing knowing I can't compete and I shouldn't be competing with that.
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Hahaha that is a nice story to hear. So how do you handle having a husband that is not romantic? I suppose that they are many men out there that is not as romantic as we want or expect them to be. Guess I just want to know how do we handle having such spouse in our life? It's nice to hear people sharing their experience etc I point blank say I want romance. He usually replies So what amazing creative surprise did I come up with this time? I tell him. He makes it happen & I let him take all the credit. Sometimes he blows it & I cry. I was really upset the other day. He was his usual self -- not supportive. I know he loves me. He just doesn't do words. Anyway, I actually barked at him: When you blew it on the phone you should have had enough sense to show up with flowers but since you didn't, you're in the dog house. He apologized & we're fine but I was hurt. I'm still a bit miffed that it's been 3 days & there are still no flowers but I haven't been home for 2 days either.
Author Len31 Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 I point blank say I want romance. He usually replies So what amazing creative surprise did I come up with this time? I tell him. He makes it happen & I let him take all the credit. Sometimes he blows it & I cry. I was really upset the other day. He was his usual self -- not supportive. I know he loves me. He just doesn't do words. Anyway, I actually barked at him: When you blew it on the phone you should have had enough sense to show up with flowers but since you didn't, you're in the dog house. He apologized & we're fine but I was hurt. I'm still a bit miffed that it's been 3 days & there are still no flowers but I haven't been home for 2 days either. I like what you said here, "I know he loves me. He just doesn't do words." That is so true for me too
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 I can certainly say you are right on that matter. Somehow face to face is needed in any of the relationships to work. For extra details he is a medical doctor and his life simply revolves around his patients and hospital. It is little depressing knowing I can't compete and I shouldn't be competing with that. My brother is married to a doctor, she works ER. They are both mid 30s. They dated for 1 year and they saw each other several times a week even if sometimes she had to pull 48 hrs shifts. Yes doctors are busy but not to the point of seeing you only once a week or each 2 weeks. I also have a friend that dated a doctor and he saw her 3 times a week. 1
MissBee Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 No matter how busy someone is...look at Beyonce...come on ...they still make time for what matters to them. I know people dating doctors,residents and professional athletes who travel a lot and train a lot and while they're busy with hectic schedules they still find time for their SOs. Your bf telling you he is mechanical, unromantic and has no time is making it clear he isn't willing to try, what he should saying is "I'm busy babe but here's what we can do..." and coming up with SOLUTIONS. He has resigned himself to saying he's busy and also that he is mechanical and unromantic, which means "Don't have any expectations of romance OR time"...huh? How can that be a relationship?! If you can't be romantic fine...but to not be able to have any time or to offer anything else, what's the point? I know you "can't live without him" but in reality you can and if he keeps it up you'll be lonelier than if you never had a bf, as if you have a bf but feel like you don't have one because all you do is email and only infrequently see each other, then eventually you'll grow very tired of it. It takes TWO to make a relationship work. If you can't live without him but he can live without you or if you're willing to compromise and he isn't then it won't work. 1
travelbug1996 Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 boring, unromantic, mechanical= COLD Run away, don't walk. At least start dating other people if you know long term its not gonna work for you.
Author Len31 Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 No matter how busy someone is...look at Beyonce...come on ...they still make time for what matters to them. I know people dating doctors,residents and professional athletes who travel a lot and train a lot and while they're busy with hectic schedules they still find time for their SOs. Your bf telling you he is mechanical, unromantic and has no time is making it clear he isn't willing to try, what he should saying is "I'm busy babe but here's what we can do..." and coming up with SOLUTIONS. He has resigned himself to saying he's busy and also that he is mechanical and unromantic, which means "Don't have any expectations of romance OR time"...huh? How can that be a relationship?! If you can't be romantic fine...but to not be able to have any time or to offer anything else, what's the point? I know you "can't live without him" but in reality you can and if he keeps it up you'll be lonelier than if you never had a bf, as if you have a bf but feel like you don't have one because all you do is email and only infrequently see each other, then eventually you'll grow very tired of it. It takes TWO to make a relationship work. If you can't live without him but he can live without you or if you're willing to compromise and he isn't then it won't work. Sorry that it took me this long to reply. I was trying to rationalize everything and then I realize perhaps thats the problem. I keep on trying to pacify myself saying its ok but i realize i started to resent him for it. I agree with you, i can accept the unromantic part but not able to see each other even once a week and that is after i told him that i really miss spending time with him is just plain painful. Maybe its time for me to accept that this is really going nowhere. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 I think no matter what he offers or doesn't offer, you can decide what you're willing to accept. My grandma used to say, "you get what you settle for." and boy is it true. If you're resenting him for his unavailibility, and you make it clear what you want in a relationship and he is not able or wiling to change the situation, then you have to decide if you can live with it. If he's trying, you have to make allowances; the world is not a perfect place. But the others are correct: even busy people can find a way, even if it's a saucy text once in a while to let you know they're thinking of you, or a late night date becuase that's the only time they got off work. It's good insight that you're trying to make things okay in your head, which is the first sign of serious unhappiness. So what to do? I always opt for a frank conversation about needs. Dispassionate. It's not what you want from him, it's what you want for yourself. Ask him what he wants for himself. Maybe he really only wants a relationship that is more casual and less demanding. If that's his truth, then that's the way it is. The problem is only being in something when you can't deliver. So get out of it if you see that you two have different needs.
Recommended Posts