SoPeachy Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 I have been with my bf for a year and a half. We hardly argue, a nice guy, we love each other, makes me laugh and has nice friends. My friends and sister like him when they first met him. However, throughout our relationship there are a few things about him that I am concern about. 1) he owns a house and rents his place out to 2 tenant who are quite nice & he lives with them. One evening when we got home from work (his home) and I have just finished making him his favourite dinner which I treated him and we were also in a playful mood, laughing and joking and teasing each other. Then he told me that one of the flatmates used his home phone the day before without asking him and he was annoyed. He said it's not about the money but they do other things which start to make him feel that they disrespect him. I said well maybe she did not know that not using the home phone is part of the contract. Then he was like well then she should ask, I said well you were not at home and maybe she was desperate to use it. Then he said well then maybe she should have told him that she has used it and not wait until he found out himself by looking at the bills. Then I said just tell her not to use it and told him when I used to share with people we all used home phone and we shared the phone bills, maybe she assumed it is the same thing. I said all of this in a cool calm manner and about to eat my food. Then all of a sudden he started yelling at me saying why I am protecting her. She should do so and so, he said I'm on her side and not understanding him. He said do they think his house is a f**king B&b? (all yelling and shouting and more swearing). Then he went over to the phone and started slamming it to the table. I did not see cos it was in another room but I heard the banging and swearing and yelling. Then I just sat there and waited for it to be over, it only lasted 3-4 minutes then he came and sat down at the table and about to eat his food but still mumbling about the flatmate and mad that I was protecting her. I was about to burst into tears, couldn't believe what up he just did, from teasing and laughing and to this. I couldn't eat my food, stood up and said I will not tolerate this behaviour and walked out, soon he apologised and we made up hours later. 2) Another occasion we went shopping on my birthday, we went into Gap and when we came out I realised that I left a shopping bag in there so I quickly went to get it and told my bf to wait outside the shop. When I came out with the bag half a minute later, he had an angry and annoyed impression on his face but I was making a joke out of it saying oops, almost lost it and smiled. He was not smiling or anything, he looked annoyed and said 'I wonder where your head is sometimes, last time you forgot your iPod in the gym now you forgot again, you keep forgetting things' I don't remember exactly what he said more but I was not happy with the attitude. 3) Also another occasion we parked the car and he gave me his car keys to put in my bag. When we came back to the car I took the key out and tried to unlock the car myself but it didn't unlock, I was sort of struggling abit. Then he said to me 'are you stupid' then I gave him the key to do it himself. I also said next time unlock it yourself. I got really upset with him in all of these 3 occasions, I felt like there was no need to talk to me in such ways and if it was him forgetting stuff or doing something silly I would laugh about it. I also know that my friends won't talk to me like that. Am I overreacting or is this something normal in a relationship of 1 year and a half?????
Els Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 I think he sounds overall immature and inconsiderate. That being said, I think in #1 you didn't quite do the best thing, even though he also overreacted. IME when someone is venting to you, they want you to listen, not to play advocate to the other person's point of view. So listen, and offer feedback if they want it, but otherwise there is no purpose in tenaciously arguing on behalf of the person they are venting about. Unless it is a big thing - which, IMO, venting about a flatmate being annoying is not. I don't think that will save THIS relationship, but it is something to bear in mind in your future ones. What are the good parts of this R anyway? 1
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 No, this is not normal, you should end this relationship now. What you are experiencing is the normal cycle of abuse. After they swept you off of your feet they start slowly controlling and putting you down. At first you think it's an isolate incident so you let it slide, then comes a second incident, and a third. You are of balance, you cannot believe your bf acts this way. By standing by him through these incidents you send the message it's ok to treat you this way so the cycle goes on and escalate slowly toward full blown abuse. I know I have been there. 3
GemmaUK Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 It's not normal and it's not nice. In the first incident he doesn't like that you had a logical way of resolving the issue. He then took that out on you as he wasn't prepared to take responsibility for not having added that to the house rules for renters. I personally really don't like it when people are unable to take responsibility for their part in things such as that. I dated a guy who went off into a tantrum every couple of weeks that he got lost and ended up in the middle of nowhere when his company gave him a postcode (zipcode). He would plug the postcode into his satnav an drive to where it said. Often he would end up in a field. He was also given the name of the company and the full address when he was given the postcode and he did have access to the internet via either his company phone or his own mobile or laptop but he never chose to check the postcode matched the address. I suggested that he start doing that and being proactive on that front as it would make his own life and job a whole lot easier using just a minute of time to check a postcode. It seemed an easy, logical and quick solution to a problem that he kept having. Uh oh! I wish I had never said it! I should have just ummed and ahhed and let him have his rant. He was controlling and emotionally abusive - I only became aware of quite how much after I had split with him. The other two incidents show examples of emotional and verbal abuse. They may not seem like much at all but they can escalate. I would keep my eye on this behaviour assuming these are the only incidents of it. Perhaps there's some kind of a power struggle going on between the two of you and some competitiveness maybe.
Author SoPeachy Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 Thank you for replies so far. I know I should be on his side but he did not have to throw the phone and swears. He was very over reacting which was my concern. Sometimes he likes to joke about me paying for his holidays. Or joke about having 7 different wives in the future. First time hearing these jokes it was okay, yeah funny (not that funny for me) but he kept making the same jokes again and again and I hated it. Once I got irritated in front of him when he made the same joke in front of a flatmate. Then he said to me 'chill out, I was kidding, you can't take jokes?' I swear these are not normal behaviours. I felt stressed out when he make jokes about me paying for holidays. Ofcourse I never do, always make sure we split. But still something he says sometimes stresses me. Not sure if I'm over reacting there.
Author SoPeachy Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 He is fine most of the time. Like if I need help he will help me with cooking and chores and picking me up from a friends place if it is late at night. I don't usually ask him for favours but when I ask he helps.
Els Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Thank you for replies so far. I know I should be on his side but he did not have to throw the phone and swears. He was very over reacting which was my concern. Sometimes he likes to joke about me paying for his holidays. Or joke about having 7 different wives in the future. First time hearing these jokes it was okay, yeah funny (not that funny for me) but he kept making the same jokes again and again and I hated it. Once I got irritated in front of him when he made the same joke in front of a flatmate. Then he said to me 'chill out, I was kidding, you can't take jokes?' I swear these are not normal behaviours. I felt stressed out when he make jokes about me paying for holidays. Ofcourse I never do, always make sure we split. But still something he says sometimes stresses me. Not sure if I'm over reacting there. Yes, he definitely overreacted. I think I stated that in my post. For the record, I also think you should leave. So, I ask you again - what are the GOOD parts of this R? What is keeping you from leaving?
Author SoPeachy Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 Yes, he definitely overreacted. I think I stated that in my post. For the record, I also think you should leave. So, I ask you again - what are the GOOD parts of this R? What is keeping you from leaving? He is fine other times. Like if I need help he will help me with cooking and chores and picking me up from a friends place if it is late at night. He listens to me when I moan about bad day at work or arguments with friends. Always a good listener and give good advice. When I have friends coming over for dinners he will do all the cooking for us, making sure we are all entertained. He is a funny guy and life of the party. My friends like him. Other than the occasions I addressed earlier he doesn't swear or shout directly at me but when he is angry with others sometimes he overacts..like swearing at them and shouting at them. Saw him arguing with his flatmate in one occasion. One of his ex flatmates once told me my BF has threatened her. I thought oh my god, is this my Bf?
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 One of his ex flatmates once told me my BF has threatened her. I thought oh my god, is this my Bf? Yes beleive her. He has the profile for it. 1
Author SoPeachy Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 No, this is not normal, you should end this relationship now. What you are experiencing is the normal cycle of abuse. After they swept you off of your feet they start slowly controlling and putting you down. At first you think it's an isolate incident so you let it slide, then comes a second incident, and a third. You are of balance, you cannot believe your bf acts this way. By standing by him through these incidents you send the message it's ok to treat you this way so the cycle goes on and escalate slowly toward full blown abuse. I know I have been there. I did think that this is an early sign of abuse. I am really not sure which is why I wanna post here. He lets me do whatever I want and go out with whoever I want whenever I want. I thought abusive men controls their women and not let her go out.
central Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 He sounds controlling and perhaps a perfectionist - at least he expects that from others but doesn't see his own imperfections. I don't know if this is salvageable, but you can ask him to go to individual counselling and go along the first time or two to explain your concerns. If he won't, then probably break up.
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Then all of a sudden he started yelling at me Then he went over to the phone and started slamming it to the table. He was not smiling or anything, he looked annoyed and said 'I wonder where your head is sometimes, last time you forgot your iPod in the gym now you forgot again, you keep forgetting things' Then he said to me 'are you stupid' then I gave him the key to do it himself. I also said next time unlock it yourself. All these above are red flags. It would be an instant break up if a man called me stupid. OP, your boyfriend has anger problems. It will slowly escalate. Soon he'll be grabbing your wrists, if he hasn't already? The name calling has already started and you took it, expect more. 1
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 I did think that this is an early sign of abuse. I am really not sure which is why I wanna post here. He lets me do whatever I want and go out with whoever I want whenever I want. I thought abusive men controls their women and not let her go out. That will come later. An abusive man won't overwhelm you right from the beginning. He starts slowly, when he sees you take it and you remain with him then he moves up the scale of abuse. My ex started being abusive 3 years into our relationship. He escalated it very slowly. At first with little things I wouldn't notice then he moved toward bigger things. He started being physically abusive only when we got married.
Author SoPeachy Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 Thank you so much for your opinions...I guess I will have to get out because I have been in a bad relationship before. I am concern about my current's bf behaviours because these things I pointed out it reminds me of the past relationship. I read about my past relationship ex's trait online and in some books and it wasn't good news. I was single for a long time before I entered this current one, this current bf is 10 times better than my ex but I guess he still not not good enough. I'm too stressed out with him and I think it s a bad sign. 2
GemmaUK Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 I thought abusive men controls their women and not let her go out. Not always. Abuse comes in different forms. Everyone is different so no two people will be abused in the exact same way. He also shows other signs of an abusive nature from what you have posted. The life of the party My friends really like him ..are both common things with abusers as they are manipulators. Part of that manipulation is to come across to everyone that they are a great person so that the abused won't tell others - no one would believe them. You say his ex-flatmate was threatened by him? What happened? It's a strange thing to say from out of nowhere.. How did that come about in conversation? 1
Author SoPeachy Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 Not always. Abuse comes in different forms. Everyone is different so no two people will be abused in the exact same way. He also shows other signs of an abusive nature from what you have posted. The life of the party My friends really like him ..are both common things with abusers as they are manipulators. Part of that manipulation is to come across to everyone that they are a great person so that the abused won't tell others - no one would believe them. You say his ex-flatmate was threatened by him? What happened? It's a strange thing to say from out of nowhere.. How did that come about in conversation? I was in the middle of an argument between him and his ex flatmate once. But I was in and out so didn't hear or see the whole thing. When argument was finished i told him off for swearing. Then I went to see his flatmate. She was a nice girl, her and I got along. He swore at her which I was shocked and thought was unnecessary so I went to apologise to her. She said he threatened her by saying if she doesn't leave the room he will do something. When I spoke to him he denied it. He said he said something else. I did not know who to believe but it doesn't matter. I thought it was out of line that he swore at her.
Author SoPeachy Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 GemmaUk you said Perhaps there's some kind of a power struggle going on between the two of you and some competitiveness maybe. What do you mean? What competitiveness? Am I abusive too?
GemmaUK Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 I was in the middle of an argument between him and his ex flatmate once. But I was in and out so didn't hear or see the whole thing. When argument was finished i told him off for swearing. Then I went to see his flatmate. She was a nice girl, her and I got along. He swore at her which I was shocked and thought was unnecessary so I went to apologise to her. She said he threatened her by saying if she doesn't leave the room he will do something. When I spoke to him he denied it. He said he said something else. I did not know who to believe but it doesn't matter. I thought it was out of line that he swore at her. This doesn't sound good. Someone is hardly likely to dream up something like that so quick. He really does have a temper on him! My ex did too, he always played the victim as well and insisted everything was someone else's fault.
GemmaUK Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 GemmaUk you said Perhaps there's some kind of a power struggle going on between the two of you and some competitiveness maybe. What do you mean? What competitiveness? Am I abusive too? It can happen that both have some kind of abusive behaviour. But no, I'm not implying that..but it's like..you are similar to me to the extent I would stick up for myself and also stick up for what I believed was right. (eg the postcode and the flatmate and phone issues) Sticking up for oneself can exacerbate the situation. I realised not long into my relationship that it wasn't going to go anywhere good and I did try to get out of the RS but he did the sweet talk charmer bit on me so I gave in at the time. I did on a few occasions just stop bothering to defend myself when he picked on me for certain things.I would literally just listen to his vent and change the subject. I think he then felt I had listened and taken it all in and would 'behave correctly' in future. I just found that sometimes shutting up gave me an easier ride. But then he communicated problems and issues, things I was doing wrong about twice a week - so it was a lot - mostly a lot of very insignificant things to be honest. He might feel like you are being difficult when you stick up for yourself so then he has to become more aggressive to get his point across...in other words he may feel he has to compete..and win of course. I don't recommend not defending yourself - just trying to explain what I meant by what I posted.
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 ...................but also learn not to push him to that state in the first place. I strongly disagree with this. You are inviting her to stay quiet around him so his bomb doesn't go off. You are telling her to be a good girl so the big bad man doesn't get mad at her. You are telling her to custom herself to his mood swings. Anyone, I mean anyone, should be able to disagree with their bf-gf and not fear being attacked with words, put down, swear at or having phones broken down. 3
GemmaUK Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 I strongly disagree with this. You are inviting her to stay quiet around him so his bomb doesn't go off. You are telling her to be a good girl so the big bad man doesn't get mad at her. You are telling her to custom herself to his mood swings. Anyone, I mean anyone, should be able to disagree with their bf-gf and not fear being attacked with words, put down, swear at or having phones broken down. Absolutely agree! That's why in my earlier post I didn't want to recommend 'shutting up for an easy life'. I only did that once or twice and on a phone call, not face to face. The only other time that I kinda 'shut up' was the last weekend I saw him and he raised his hand to me during an argument - I ran and locked myself in the toilet. I didn't see the point in sticking up for myself over that one. Self preservation was the only instinct I felt. He was almost a foot taller than me and weighed double what I weigh.
Author SoPeachy Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 I strongly disagree with this. You are inviting her to stay quiet around him so his bomb doesn't go off. You are telling her to be a good girl so the big bad man doesn't get mad at her. You are telling her to custom herself to his mood swings. Anyone, I mean anyone, should be able to disagree with their bf-gf and not fear being attacked with words, put down, swear at or having phones broken down. Thank you Gaeta. That's what I thought too after I read that, I will be walking on eggshell then? I want to be able to say whatever I am not happy about in a relationship. I don't wanna be in a relationship that I have to be careful of what I say. I am not a crude person so I believe things I say will be reasonable and only to help relationship progress. Like when I forgot my shopping bag, I had a feeling already that it was gonna annoy him, dunno why. I was like **** **** **** when I went over to get it but tried to laugh about it....but nope he didn't find it funny.
Author SoPeachy Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 You said 'But then he communicated problems and issues, things I was doing wrong about twice a week - so it was a lot - mostly a lot of very insignificant things to be honest' What sort of things did he pick on?? My bf doesn't really pick on thIngs I do.
DArtagnan2 Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 My guess is he did want you to be his cheerleader when he started to go off about his roommates. My other guess is that he is having trouble with those he lives with. Whether they are doing something or he is just annoyed that others are living with him, in his house, using "his" things, and the like. While he may rent it out for the money, he may feel that its still all "his" stuff and he doesn't like sharing. So he should possibly not rent his house out if he is feeling like that. As for going off on you the other times, it could be he has an abusive nature, it could be that he is frustrated with other things and just taking it out on you because he is comfortable in the relationship and feels he can. Its not right and you have every right to say so. I would have a calm discussion with him to stress these points. Don't raise your voice or accuse, it will only make him defensive and it would be counterproductive in getting to a good median. If his behavior worsens or doesn't change, then its just who he is and then time for you to decide if you are ok being in a relationship with someone who isnt growing with you and is just that type of person.
GemmaUK Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 You said 'But then he communicated problems and issues, things I was doing wrong about twice a week - so it was a lot - mostly a lot of very insignificant things to be honest' What sort of things did he pick on?? My bf doesn't really pick on thIngs I do. All kinds of things but it's not relevant to your situation. I would call calling you stupid and some of the digs he has made to you 'picking on' but maybe you don't see them like that. I'd also be worried just in general about his temper. You posted as you thought perhaps something was wrong and many of the replies are saying yes, there is. It's unlikely he is going to change. He will probably continue to switch between nice and nasty but as I said and others have said too these things can escalate.
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