oldfashion Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 Hi everybody. I really like reading postings here. It gives me ideas about the american way of living and marriages. Well my story is like that, I have met my fiance while i was studying in the states about 3 years ago. We got along pretty good. When i was done with my studies , i got back to my country. I am kinda European. My fiance and i are getting married in a short time in my home country and moving to the states. He is a soldier and he has been to overseas for a long time. Once he told me that, he has thought Japanese girls were the most attractive girls on the world but he has changed his mind the day after he has met me. I even found a Japanese girl picture on his computer once, but he told me that he downloaded this picture years ago and did not really look into his folders on his computer by that time.. I mean, i am quite beutiful , has even been modelling before, educated and coming from a good family. He is not very good looking, not very educated and not even coming from a good family. Sometimes he thinks that i look down on him. But i dearly love him. He is a very nice guy and i feel like a princess while i am with him. He even converted to my religion and took a religious name. My fear is , if he will be the same guy or will change after we get married and will be interested in other women. I am even afraid of going to Japan or any Asian country with him. I mean, when i have been to Asia by myself for vacation, every men was staring at me but this is not the same thing. I only have eyes for him but i am still scared if this marriage will work because of these reasons. Maybe i do not trust him completely but he trusts me with everything he has. I am just scared to death about losing him and being unhappy after leaving my country, my job, my car, my home, my family and everything here. Please give me some advice... Thanks.
Summerday Posted February 18, 2005 Posted February 18, 2005 If ever in doubt, DON"T DO IT. Doesn't sound like he's given you any reason for you to not trust him, or for you to feel insecure. However, it does sound like you have issues of your own that you need to work on. I would figure these out before taking such a huge step. Maybe seek counseling... just a suggestion. Good luck to you.
madcat Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 Hi, I understand how you feel. I have similar issues with trust because of my own childhood. What I'm doing now is some counselling to work on my own fears, and I talk to my husband, and tell him all my fears and anger and feelings. This is difificult for me because I don't want him to get upset and not love me anymore. I am in depression because I am so afraid, of my own issues, of the future, of my husband not loving me. I am getting some medication and counselling. I have also decided what I want in my marriage. If I am going to be afraid of what I say to my husband, if I am going to hide my feelings from him, then it's not the kind of marriage I want. I feel that our marriage is worth the risk and worth me fighting fear for. If it succeeds, what a great marriage it would be for us! If it doesn't succeed, I don't know. I try not to think about that. But I do know what I want in our marriage. I'm not in the position to offer advice, but I just wanted to relate what I have done and hope that you could find some ideas or thoughts in it that may be useful to you. Perhaps ask yourself what you really want from marriage -- I have the impression you want absolute devotion, commitment and honesty (as do I!) -- and talk to your fiance about it. Does he want the same thing? What do you want and what do you need, as you work on your own issues? Is your fiance willing to work with you? I think now that it would have been a great idea to put everything in words and have it be clear to each other before my husband and I got married. I think we both want each other to be happy and we want a fulfilling marriage. But how do each of us go about that? How do we contribute and what do we have to take into account of each other's deap-seated issues? I think any marriage would benefit from an absolute honest discussion about this, preferably before marrying so that things can be ironed out and the way can be paved for easier, less painful success. I wish you courage and self-belief.
oldfashion Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Hi madcat and summerday, I want to thank two of you for your advices and help. They really helped me to get over things before we get married. ( we are getting married in 9 days ) I tried to talk to him earlier about my fears and this is what he told me exactly.. " I'm glad you look at this topic as a child thing because that's what it was even to this day but certainly not as strong as when I was a kid I've always liked old time martial arts movies. So maybe that's why I liked Asian women. Well I still like martial arts movies with ninjas and samurai but I don't like again women anymore. I don't find them good looking anymore. I think that's because one- they aren't you , two- it I've grown out of such things and i'm older, three- they just don't appeal to me anymore, simple. I'm glad you believe me, trust me about this because it's important to me that you do. believe me when I tell you that my little childhood fantasy about this is gone, although sometimes I still wish I could have grown up a ninja o samurai- I think they are so cool! I'm with you now and that's all that matters to me" That answer satisfied me but as you can guess i have my own fears about losing my loved ones. I am marrying him for nothing but honesty. I am not looking for leaving everything and move thousands of miles away for him , start a new life, giving up on my great paycheck, family and so on. I just want to be happy and do not want to regret it. He broke my trust two times when we first started dating. They were not biggies but i can not get over things easily. it takes me forever. it stucks into my head and makes me a nervous , aggressive person. Maybe i need concelling about taking things easier. I really appreciate your help. Thanks alot.
jmargel Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Honesty is what he has and shown it to you by telling you. I am sure you think other guys out there are attractive. There is nothing wrong with it, it's only when you act on it. If my wife thinks a certain guy is good looking, she'll point it out. I don't mind. I do the same for her, if I see a beautiful woman I'll tell my wife 'Look at her, she's hot'. Most of the time she'll agree with me. If he had alot of pictures of these japaneses women, talking to them, etc.. and not telling you that would be an alarm. Right now it's your insecurity about all of this. The best way to get over jealousy and insecurity is to do the following: When that bad feeling comes up and you get that feeling in your stomache, close your eyes.. Take a few deep breaths and pick out a time that is memorable that is between you & your fiancee. Focus on that memory for the next few minutes. Try to remember great details about it and relive it in your mind. This will not only get the focus off the 'bad' insecurity feeling, but you will be training yourself to eventually stop all these feelings together. He's with 'you' for a reason. Love is a risk, there are never any guarantees. But if you continually push this issue you will scare him into thinking you are somewhat controlling. We know your not, you are just uncomfortable in this situation, so by following what I provided this will hopefully help you through this.
oldfashion Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 jmargel thank you very much for clearing things and make them easier for me. Maybe it is because of the long distance relationship we have had for the last 3 years and i have been insecure about it. We do not have any problems when we are together. But when he goes away, i am starting to make up stories and making everything even worse by thinking deeply . I hope my fears will go away once we get married and are together. I really appreciate all the support you guys gave me.
Yet I stay Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 Hi i need help very fast my boyfriend is as everyone says is said to be a bad person. He is very aggressive, and over protective, and he hurts not only physically but emotionally bad..... He is always calling me names checking my phone and oh yeah he fist fights with all my guy friends. and wins....... He hurts me and i am afraid to leave him. i love him,but i am afraid 4 my life..... Please help me.....
Recommended Posts