Allosdiver Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 So there's this amazing girl who I've spend a year and a half with. From the get-go we connected very well, everything clicked, it felt like we were made for each other. However, I acquired depression overtime. She tried to help me with it, to motivate me, to snap me out of it, but nothing got through - from about 7 months ago until a couple weeks ago I was totally numb. Obviously, this depression, this not noticing her, wore on our relationship. I didn't pay her the attention she deserved, and so she eventually decided to leave. She was utterly right in this. Due to her leaving me however, I did wake up a little. I'm now recognizing my signs and working to stop them. Amazing how you don't notice getting depressed if it progresses so constantly! Now comes the hurting bit. She has no idea that I'm changing back to the man I used to be. She despises me for who I became, for my begging when she left me, and although she doesn't hate me (as she said), I highly doubt she's going to miss me. I lost her. Honestly I'd do about anything to get her back, but I recognized anything I would do would only hurt whatever chances I have even more, and so I chose to say a goodbye, to apologize for not treating her well, and to say one last 'I love you' before I forced myself to disappear. Her reaction to this wasn't exactly personal, to a painful degree, but in a sense this helps me move on. How do I force myself out of my depression and limering while I am fully alone save for friends whose time isn't exactly all mine? And please, don't suggest that I block her fully. The pain of seeing her moving on actually helps me (getting more depressed isn't a problem), and if anything I want to make it as easy as possible on her to miss me. To be honest I just need to talk. I've got barely anything to build on now, and currently I'm just about stuck wishing I'd seen the signs earlier, wishing she'd know what I'm thinking now. Heck, I'm an atheïst and I even pleaded with whatever god would hear me.
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 You can't force yourself out of depression but if you don't already have one get a good therapist & work on yourself Depression never really goes away. It just gets controlled. Once you are fully functional again, perhaps seek her out to apologize & ask for another chance.
FredJones80 Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Real depression is an illness and you need to see a doctor to have this fixed. They will diagnose you and prescribe you course of action either anti-depresents or antidepressants or some type of cognitive behavioral therapy depending on the severity. Real depression can't just be fixed yourself, as I said, its an illness. If you're just a bit down in the dumps or sad then that will come and go, ie; you can find joy in things and purpose, this is just being a bit under the weather. Only you will know how severe you feel and should make a judgement from that. If this was continual with no light for 7 months then you definitely need to seek help.
Author Allosdiver Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 Let's keep it on having been quite traumatized as a kid (absurd amounts of deaths in my family before I even turned 15), and then when my dog died (and in the run-up towards that) I just.. shut out the world. There was light, and that was her. I never told her so though, even treated her quite the contrary because I thought it'd all be better when if I could just be alone, huddle into a corner, do my duties, and wait till I die. Quite ironic, isn't it. Losing the second most important thing (my dog was that important to me) in your life, and having that make you lose the thing you care most for, and that waking you up.
Author Allosdiver Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Heya guys, I just came along this quote from Eleanor Roosenvelt : "Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway" For some reason this made me feel very strong. I feel like now that I am standing on earth with both of my feet again, I can take my fate back from whatever I handed it over to. Call me stupid, stubborn, clingy, or whatever you want to name it, but I'm going to fight for my ex. I didn't deserve her like I was, but that's different now. I can make her happy, I can overcome who I've become, and I can be the man she saw in me, the me below all the sadness. I know I should let her go, but then again, this situation isn't as commonground as most breakups where the ex left because the relation didn't come to expectations, or something stupid happened. I am sure that if she would give me a second chance, I wouldn't disappoint - I'm not going back in that pit of depression and agony again. Now how do I get her to see that, to see past her spite of what I've become? I will give up if she won't give me a second chance, but I'm not going to give up before every and any chance is lost. PS edit : just for the record, I'm not going to stalk her. I'm going to improve myself, to look ahead to a bright future in which one possibility is her coming back, and to, once it feels right, contact her and see if I can change anything. I'm a regretful ex, but not a creepy one, as far as I have control in the matter. Edited June 30, 2014 by Allosdiver
erklat Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I fought with depression for over a year. I improved myself in many ways, physically gained weight, went to the gym, became pretty good in what I do, removed people who brought me under from my life, I have a beautiful dog, all of which I would have none if she didn't dump me. Yet, there is nothing to fight for there. And I have a new gf who approach me with exactly these words, after seeing me and my dog, "You seem to have a life full of love and commitment, which I would like to be a part of." So, live the best possible life for yourself. I don't know a case where someone "fought" for his ex and haven't failed miserably in the end. Do not make that mistake because that is a loose - loose scenario, opposed to NC win win.
lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) I've had bipolar depression since 11 years. I've been able to lead a normal life with regular medication and doctor visits. Worked full-time for over 6yrs, an MBA, a good career etc. 8 mo ago I had very bad harsh breakup that left me shattered. This forum has helped me a lot but I still haven't recovered fully. Just yesterday I was crying but I think I'm better now thanks to this forum. I'm sure there will be bad times but life has its ups and downs. Hopefully the ups will compensate for the downs. You have to take care of yourself, If you're strong and healthy, everything will fall in place. I don't know this girl obviously but if she knew you were suffering from depression, I think it's very insensitive of her to treat you the way she did. She could have been more empathetic and asked you to seek help and at least point you to the right direction and maybe say, let's think about us, when you're better. She wouldn't have let you beg her, she would be by your side right now in a supportive role of some sort if not in the capacity of a gf. Are you taking medication or seeing a doctor? What is the status of your health currently? Do you have a diagnosis? I wouldn't do anything at this point or worrying about bringning her back one day. Just be patient but think about your time together and ask yourself is she really important enough for you to pursue? Will she deliver and be by your side when times get rough? Will she be supportive when you need comfort or will she run when the going gets tough. I'm just think being realistic gives us some perspective. Edited June 30, 2014 by lesdeuxsoleils
Author Allosdiver Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Erklat, thanks for your motivating words, although no success at all kind of disheartens me.. Is there no rate of success in showing a renovated me off and hoping that gives me a shot? Lesdeuxsoleils, due to my parents I am more than afraid to see a therapist (they have an absolute hatred to it and call every case of psychological problem hysteric bull****), so I'll have to face it the hard way. This does seem to go well now, though. I don't know if you're familiar with dissociation, but the fog that symptomizes it (which I've seriously had all around me for months on end before it ended) has only made an entrance for one hour in total, and besides I've been 'myself', for as far that means something now I'm reinventing who I am. She has actually told me to get help more than often, but due to my parents and my own apathy I dismissed it, just like any help she offered me. Also, besides my mental state, I'm in good health, so I got that going for me And this girl did truly care about me. She's stuck through with it for more than half a year, ever trying to help me. I just didn't seem to register any of it anymore, and she just about had to give up eventually. I mean, come on, would you expect someone around 18 years to stick through with a potentially endless depression forever? And as to if she's worth it.. Yes. Yes she is. I can move on without her, I know that, and I would live a happy life eventually. But I really feel like she's all I want in a girl, like I want to repay her for what she did for me, and because I want to share the happiness I'm going to find with her. (and I'm saying that with all her bad qualities in the back of my mind, in case you're thinking I'm obsessing. There's hardly a way not to sound obsessive when saying something like that .) Edited June 30, 2014 by Allosdiver
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