maximus23 Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 (edited) I work in an office building and there are two offices on my floor. There's a girl from the other company that I used to bump into or see every now and then and I thought she was really cute. Then my co-worker became best friends with her. I noticed they were hanging together so I told my co-worker that I couldn't believe she happened to be come friends with this girl and that I thought she was crazy cute. So my co-worker told this girl that and the girl asked what my name is. Weeks go by and I ended up getting minor surgery so I was in the hospital briefly. After I'm recovered the girl walks into our office and chats with my co-worker, and then comes right up to me, asks for my phone number, says she needs help with her website. We meet for drinks after work. Eventually we're not even talking about the website, but life and stuff. Then she mentions that when I was in the hospital she was thinking of coming to see me. Another day we get lunch. She asks if I have a girlfriend, and then she asks if I have ever dated a girl of her ethnicity. At this point it really feels like after she heard from my co-worker that I thought she was cute she came up with an excuse to have us hang out. So, fast forward a bit. She's asked for my email, friended me on Facebook and today we spent a whole day together at a coffee shop and then had dinner. It was her suggestion to get dinner. Now, this time we actually did get some work done on the site, but we talked for hours about other stuff and had a great time. Later that night I "casually" mentioned a train that runs along the Cali coast from LA to San Fran (we both live in LA) and she said that we should take a long weekend and take the trip. So, a couple of my closest friends think that I'm a complete moron for not seeing the writing on the wall and they're convinced that she's not so subtly telling me that she's interested. And, dammit, I want to believe them. But there's a few things that she said that night that make me think that she may just be a strangely gregarious person that doesn't really think about the implications of telling a guy that she wants to spend a long weekend out of town with him in a non-romantic way. One thing that really stuck with me is that she mentioned worrying that her current hair style wouldn't attract guys when she goes out for drinks, and that she wouldn't be able to find dates. If you're into someone and want them to know why mention potential dates with other people? Am I overthinking this? I guess I'm worried that I won't ever make a move for fear of making things awkward with someone that isn't truly interested, or that I'll stand pat and miss out on something great because she grew tired of me not making that move. What should I do here? I really cannot do the friend thing with a girl like this. No way. Ladies, any insight? Edited June 29, 2014 by maximus23
Daisydance Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Make the move! It sounds like she is very much interested. The hair comment could be her fishing for compliments or trying to be subtle in saying she is interested in dating. Anyway I think you should go for it
morrowrd Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 One thing that really stuck with me is that she mentioned worrying that her current hair style wouldn't attract guys when she goes out for drinks, and that she wouldn't be able to find dates. If you're into someone and want them to know why mention potential dates with other people? Am I overthinking this? I guess I'm worried that I won't ever make a move for fear of making things awkward with someone that isn't truly interested, or that I'll stand pat and miss out on something great because she grew tired of me not making that move. What should I do here? I really cannot do the friend thing with a girl like this. No way. Ladies, any insight? Dismiss her comment, could be she was trying to see what your reaction would be. It's obvious that she's interested so don't ruin it by getting all insecure about worthless comments like that. There's a good chance that you yourself said at least one thing that possibly made her wonder the same thing, (is he actually interested in me or not?) You want advice? Go with the damn flow, and stop worring about the small stuff, you aren't in a relationship - yet. Play your cards right, and you might be. Go on the long weekend trip, and in fact, get on that. Start setting it up now, and move this along. The more time you two spend together having fun, the less likelihood of having awkward misunderstandings will take place. You will have developed a comfort level with each other. However, it takes a little effort, time, and patience. Relax, and go have fun with her.
Author maximus23 Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) Hey everyone, so I wanted to wait until I had an update on this before I replied. Before I go on I want to thank you for your responses and apologize for the lateness of mine. OK. Basically, this situation took a REALLY strange turn. Here's what happened: After I posted here about the girl, I'll call her Christine here, mentioning a trip to San Fran I let a couple of days go by. I really thought I was in a cool situation as all of you here and all of my friends thought she was giving me a fairly heavy hint that she was interested in me. During the week I was satisfied to take your advice here, relax and let things play out. In the meantime I looked into planning that San Fran trip. Everything seemed cool. On work days, on my breaks, I take walks around the office park. During my walk break on Wednesday I happened to bump into my co-worker, Christine's friend. She asked me how dinner went with Christine that previous weekend. I told her that things went well, and that I was really starting to think that Christine was showing a lot of interest in something beyond friendship. Immediately my co-worker began to warn me that she's seen Christine behave the same with all of the men she interacts with. She said that Christine actually told her that she purposely flirts with guys, will even let them hold her hand and other seemingly intimate stuff like that, but when they feel the runway is clear and go to make a move she cuts them off, and puts up the friend-zone wall as if they should have known the whole time. My co-worker then went on to describe Christine as a 'fake it til you make' type and used words like devious to further describe her. My co-worker said that Christine has also verbally described Christine's type as men in their 40's with lots of money, nice car, etc. She also said that Christine has described her current dream in life is to own a Maserati. So, needless to say I was pretty blown away by all of this. I'm 34 and working a full-time job as a web designer, but I drive a Prius, not a Maserati or something slick like that, and I'm by no means what you'd call wealthy. I have ambitions, but at the moment I'm no Daddy Warbucks. So, when I started putting the pieces together I realized what this girl was getting out of me if she was indeed manipulating me. I mentioned before that I was helping her with her website, and she had also mentioned that she needed to shoot videos for her real estate ventures. Now, I didn't want to jump the gun and just believe what my co-worker said without giving Christine the benefit of the doubt. So, the next time she texted me, and it was about the website of course, she asked if I could help her out again and if we could meet on Thursday night. I agreed. Then I casually mentioned the San Fran trip and asked if she was still interested in going, to which she replied, "Oh, ha ha, that was just a thought. Maybe next time." Keep in mind that when she mentioned going on the San Fran trip, she specifically said that we should go over the long weekend (this holiday weekend) and forget about a hiking trip with her friends that was happening on Saturday. It's not like she mentioned the San Fran trip as an off-handed, maybe-someday type of thing. She was specific about it. So, when she brushed it off over text as 'just a thought' I knew where I stood and I had my answer: she isn't into me, and she never was. She was comfortable telling me what I wanted to hear and making me feel good by telling me things like she was going to visit me in the hospital in order to get what she needs out of me. It's really frustrating and a bit devastating, mostly because even if you have feelings for someone the worst you expect is for them not to return those feelings. That hurts enough on its own. In this case I'm dealing with a whole other level of being hurt in that she was using me and purposely manipulated me with her charms to get what she needed from me. It's been about 2 years since my last relationship, and I was finally feeling ready to move on and start something meaningful with a new girl. It's hard to deal with the fact that I went in with the intent of making a real connection with someone, opened myself up for the first time in a long time, only to find out the girl has ulterior motives that have more to do with money and manipulation/control than love and intimacy. Sucks. Edited July 4, 2014 by maximus23
aprilisi Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Is this co-worker friend a female? I wouldn't really call the co-worker a friend of Christine's either. She could be jealous. Women can be viscious when jealous. Even if its true, so what? My dream car is a Chevy Impala like in Supernatual. If I had the money I'd get it in a second. But it isn't happening. I also prefer younger men but I date all ages. Just because she prefers men in their 40s doesn't mean she's not interested. And the San Fran thing confuses me. From what I read she's hesitant to go. Maybe she brought it up as a thought but is hesitant to go with a man she bearly knows. I dunno, I think you are jumping the gun here.
Elle1975 Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Glad that you got to the bottom of it. You seem very grounded and smart. You'll have no problem finding someone who won't be after your "maserati"
Author maximus23 Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 Is this co-worker friend a female? I wouldn't really call the co-worker a friend of Christine's either. She could be jealous. Women can be viscious when jealous. Even if its true, so what? My dream car is a Chevy Impala like in Supernatual. If I had the money I'd get it in a second. But it isn't happening. I also prefer younger men but I date all ages. Just because she prefers men in their 40s doesn't mean she's not interested. And the San Fran thing confuses me. From what I read she's hesitant to go. Maybe she brought it up as a thought but is hesitant to go with a man she bearly knows. I dunno, I think you are jumping the gun here. I totally agree that those things on their own are not bad things. I want a Corvette, but that doesn't mean overly superficial. Her dating older men isn't an issue for me either. What bothers me about this whole thing is that she was the one who mentioned the San Fran trip and was specific about it, not me. So, when I ask about it and she blew it off that's bothersome to me. Your reasoning is sound, that she may have just been resistant to go there with a guy she barely knows. That's totally fine. But why not explain that? Why let me feel stupid for even asking by only answering with, "Ha ha, just a thought." At that point I was clearly fishing to see if she's really interested in me, so why not let me know that even if she's not sure there is some attraction there? She could have done more to take responsibility for the San Fran notion I believe. That's how mature adults communicate in my opinion. I feel with all of the hints and flirtations we were past not saying what we meant. Because she didn't communicate more it does give me a sense that some of her behavior fits into the picture that my co-worker painted as someone that's basically using me like she does other men. I agree that it's possible I'm jumping the gun, you could be totally right about that. But my co-worker has no motives to be THAT jealous of Christine and I'm concerned that if I play this thing out and it turns out that Christine really is devious then I'm going to get even more hurt.
Elle1975 Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 I agree that it's possible I'm jumping the gun I don't think you are. 1
Author maximus23 Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) Can't believe I forgot this part, but after I had the text convo with Christine concerning the San Fran thing, I emailed her this: "I don't think I'm comfortable continuing to help you with your website project and I won't be able to meet with you on Thursday night after all. Things got a little personal between us a little too quickly for me, and recently I've been confused about the nature of our friendship. I think your intention was for us to be just friends, and I always try to respect those types of intentions between people. But when you mentioned the idea of going to San Fran together, even though for you it may have been just a meaningless, fleeting thought said out loud, for me it sounded like a hint that you were interested in something more than just friendship. I'm sure you can understand why that would confuse someone. Who knows, perhaps we have different ways of communicating our intentions. Either way, I anticipate that miscommunications and confusions like this will probably continue if we keep meeting up. Normally I keep my feelings to myself if I notice the other person isn't interested. I'm not a big fan of this kind of awkwardness. But we have a project that we've been working on. In all honesty if I continue to help you with your website project I'll feel used. So, I think it's best for both of us if we don't work together on Thursday or any time in the future." Her response was: "Thanks for letting me know. And I apologize for the confusion. Wish you the best. Take care." I think if she was ever interested in me she would have mentioned that in her email response. Edited July 4, 2014 by maximus23 1
Elle1975 Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 I think if she was ever interested in me she would have mentioned that in her email response. Yep! I am very impressed by your email. Very well written.
Author maximus23 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 Thanks! One thing I'm really missing now though after having said my piece and ended this whole thing, and it's making me slightly regretful about my decision, is that I could have used that hiking trip with Christine and her friends. Would have been nice to expand into a new social circle. A lot of my friends are homebodies and I was looking forward to moving into new social territory. They also all live out near where I work, which is 25 miles from where I live, and I was really interested in meeting people from the area as I'm planning to move out there soon. The counter to that though is I think that I would not have been able to be just friends with this girl. I feel like I would have as much or more emotional distress hanging out with her over time, even just under the label of friendship, one way or another.
Elle1975 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Thanks! One thing I'm really missing now though after having said my piece and ended this whole thing, and it's making me slightly regretful about my decision, is that I could have used that hiking trip with Christine and her friends. Would have been nice to expand into a new social circle. A lot of my friends are homebodies and I was looking forward to moving into new social territory. They also all live out near where I work, which is 25 miles from where I live, and I was really interested in meeting people from the area as I'm planning to move out there soon. The counter to that though is I think that I would not have been able to be just friends with this girl. I feel like I would have as much or more emotional distress hanging out with her over time, even just under the label of friendship, one way or another. If you have enough people in your area, try MeetUp. I go to the movies with my group sometimes.
Author maximus23 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 I always feel like that could be awkward. How does those MeetUps usually turn out?
Elle1975 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 I always feel like that could be awkward. How does those MeetUps usually turn out? I met nice people. Some are there to date, some are there just to do something with other people, and maybe make friends. I haven't seen any "weirdos" yet. I go to the movies though, so not a lot of room to talk. One of the guys was hitting on me, but I would have felt like a troll dating him, he was 5 inches shorter and probably 40 pounds lighter. I would like to find a week end gate away to go camping. I am just wondering if that would be all that safe.. probably not.
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