CK1dad Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Hello Everyone, I will jump right in. I'm 44, she is 41 we have been dating for 3 months. We have know each other and been friends for about 2 years. We start dating and everything is going great. Nice dates, spending lots of time together, sleep overs, texting, talking on the phone. A month in or so I feel a change and ask about whats up. "I need space she says" Uhhh okay? Trust me I have been divorced I know the deal. I don't push, I don't cling .. do what you need to do. Things pick up again and we seem to just kind of continue on. So a couple weeks ago again I feel a change in the force. Texts are different, phone calls are clunky, sex stops, get kinda bitchy over stupid stuff. This time rather than comunicate I get into my head just wondering what is going on? Honestly I beat myself up quite a bit wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I know I know! Finally the other night she says "I know I have pulled away recently". I am not sure what is wrong with me. I'm not sure why I do this. I don't want to break up. I explain that I don't want to break up but this hot / cold stuff is very hard to deal with. She says she understands. So we hang out tonight. I feeling rough not sure what to expect. We have sex which is nice but feels IDK off / wierd / I'm not sure how to explain it. Then I drive her home. She can't sleep over on Saturdays but it just felt so unintimate. I have always found this girl very unintimate .. like sex is great but there is little intimacey after. I'm not used to that .. also I kinda don't like it. So any opinions on this? I feel kind of beat up and am not sure how to move forward from this point. Sorry for the long blurb 1
CarrieT Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 like sex is great but there is little intimacey after. I'm not used to that .. also I kinda don't like it. So any opinions on this? I feel kind of beat up and am not sure how to move forward from this point. Based on the above, I wouldn't bother moving forward at all; you tried dating for a bit and it isn't all there for you. Unlikely she is going to miraculously want to be that perfect girl for you so why bother investing more time and energy into something - and someone - who pulls away and isn't sure herself? 2
Feeorin Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Maybe she has intimacy issues. I tend to do this too. It's sometimes not intentional, I just pull away when things start going well in a relationship. Like self sabotaging. Do some research into it, sometimes people don't know or understand the reasons behind this push pull situation. Putting a name to it, sometimes helps.
Author CK1dad Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 Hi Thanks to you both, She definately does have intimacy issues! She admitted that. You are probably spot on things where going great and poof! She got scared I see that. So is there any way of helping to ease those fears or is that just not my role? I hear you on the why waste time comment as well. I'm bummed about it because when she just lets go we have a great time together and things just flow along in a really great way. It makes me really wonder how things can turn out. Unfortunately during this last "pull away" it really got to me. I mean I let it get to me which was totally my fault. Now I feel like I need a break!
ExpatInItaly Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Hi Thanks to you both, She definately does have intimacy issues! She admitted that. You are probably spot on things where going great and poof! She got scared I see that. So is there any way of helping to ease those fears or is that just not my role? I hear you on the why waste time comment as well. I'm bummed about it because when she just lets go we have a great time together and things just flow along in a really great way. It makes me really wonder how things can turn out. Unfortunately during this last "pull away" it really got to me. I mean I let it get to me which was totally my fault. Now I feel like I need a break! Well, does she want to improve this part of herself? You can certainly be a supportive partner, but it won't make a bit of difference if she's not putting an effort into it. At this stage in the game, I think I would move on. Only three months in and things are already up and down? That isn't fair to you, either. If you've spoken about this before and nothing has really changed, I wouldn't expect them to be dramatically different in the future. 1
Feeorin Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Well she does need to try help herself. I've been for therapy but it still pops up. Only this time I have a better understanding of it and so can process these thoughts. I will say to you however, that when I am in this mind frame, I prefer being on my own (ie space), as your thought process is so irrational that you don't want to make decisions based on these fears (ie end a relationship). Alot of people misplace this behaviour as someone who is not interested or can't be bothered, but it's not like that at all. The pressure you get from your partner to explain why this happens is also so over whelming that it just pushes you further apart. You are potentially dealing with the 'child' in us, rather than the 'parent' or 'adult' in us. (Hence irrational thoughts). Please note too, that this always hits me at 3 months into a relationship. Always! It depends if this is what you want I guess. For me, once I'm over this issue in a new relationship, I'm fully committed. And it's only in the beginning of a relationship that this happens. Look at abandonment /engulfment issues too... :-) Might help?
Author CK1dad Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 Thanks Expat and Fee, Well she did say she was going to go see a therapist about it after she had a discussion with her sister. But .. for me there are a lot of buts. Thats exactly what she does spends time alone (for the most part) or with others (please don't anyone take that as I don't want her to spend time with her friends and see her every second. Its the disappearance act I can't handle) and q uite frankly, that perhaps when I shouldn't, I did take it personally and it's still rubbing me the wrong way. I mean who wouldn't wonder WTF is going on? Of course in the back of my mind I just wonder when it's all going to go down again. It is a lot of ups and downs for three months when in previous relationships this just wasn't the case. I came out of a 2 year relationship spent a year doing my work and got myself ready to date so I could bring something to the table. I mean this whole unavailability thing, man with my divorce, and other another relationship after, I've been there done that got the fridge magnet. A lot to think about. Thanks for your replies
DArtagnan2 Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 As long as her actions are matching her words and she is seriously going to get help for whatever it is that has her acting this way, I don't see the problem. But at the same time, you can't let things go on indefinitely. There may be things you need in a relationship that she doesn't and if that's the case, you will always feel empty while she may not. Coming out of long term relationships/marriage can leave an imprint for a long time. She may not be ready to date or be that intimate at the moment whether you are ready or not. Could be the reason for the on and off switch. If that's the case, she needs to do this on her own in order to be healthy enough for someone else while in a relationship. I have tried to date a few who have been out of their marriage for years, they swore up and down they have moved on from that and healed, yet they really weren't past what had happened and those thoughts ended things before they could even really get started. Its disappointing and can hurt a lot, as you know.
Author CK1dad Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 I have tried to date a few who have been out of their marriage for years, they swore up and down they have moved on from that and healed, yet they really weren't past what had happened and those thoughts ended things before they could even really get started. Its disappointing and can hurt a lot, as you know. This! I asked her about this when we where friends just kind of deciding if we where interested in dating one another. She has done no type of work around her divorce or the last relationship she was in. I was shocked, her ex left her, as did mine I could barely stay out of the shrinks office when I was going throught it! She did swear up and down that she was over it and ready to date but what you said there is really hitting home with me. I guess, for now, I will stand back a bit and see what her actions are. For me my brain has settled down. Yesterday was a day when we would nomally hang out but I found something else to do. I just wasn't up for the wondering if it where a hot / cold day. I feel good today. We are supposed to go camping for a couple days together tomorrow so we will have to play it as it goes ... Thank you for all of the insiteful replies!
Diezel Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Why don't you just find someone else who you don't have to go through this type of situation with? This is supposed to be the best time of the relationship... not the most frustrating. If you stand back and wait to see what her actions are... guess what she's going to do... "pull". This isn't going to end anytime soon. It's the nature of this relationship. The relationship is at her convenience and that's unfair to you. 2
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I am with Diezel. You are 44 yo, went through a tough divorce, worked on yourself and are ready to reinvest yourself. You want to pick a woman with emotional-intimacy issues to move into the next stage of your life? 1
Leroy82 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I know its hard because you obviously like her. This is a tough call. I look at it like this. If she really liked you, she wouldn't be acting like this. It sounds to me she's not sure about how she feels about you. Like her heart in not ready for you. It sucks. I know that feeling. I say give her space and date other women. The lady that treats you the way you deserve could be right around the corner. It sounds she needs time alone to figure things out. Maybe that time alone could be what she needs to see what you mean to her. That's my 2 cents
Author CK1dad Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 Thanks to all of you for responding. Ah well we just came back from 3 days of camping. It was nice to get away but things are just different. I mean we get along but I feel different. These ARE supposed to be the most fun and exciting times and now I just feel I need to hold myself back around her. Like I can't bring myself to invest much more emotion in it for fear of being hurt. We used to touch, hold hands and make out all the time but that just seems to be gone. Nor do I have any intention of pushing. She had her period so sex was out (but I totally get that) not complaining. The deal is I do like this lady and when she lets go we have a really wonderful time together but the wall between us just seems to be getting bigger. Total backwards to the way it's supposed to be so I guess the writting is on the wall. Sucks is what it does, I was very curious about what could be between us, but I have no intention of standing around being pushed away by someone ... again. I'm pretty bummed about it
Elle1975 Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Seems like you're keeping her around hoping the situation will change. You aren't emotionally or physically satisfied.. Pull the plug. Up to you, but seems like you're wasting your time.
Author CK1dad Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 You are totally right Elle. Thats exactly what I'm doing. Which if I would be totally honest would be a past pattern of mine and not a good one. Be he change you want to see. She's not going to change anytime soon (if at all) and why would I sit around giving time and space to someone who just isn't going to engage in any of it. I kinda get the impression she wouldn't really care either way. I'm going to break it off with her tomorrow night. I have my kids today and tomorrow and just want to enjoy some time with them. Thanks to everyone!
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