such_is_life Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Alright, please don't judge me too harshly, but I'm having a bit of a dilemma. Simply put, I think I'm scared to date. I have very little (read: none at all) experience in the dating world, and I'm worried about being rejected because of my appearance. I think I have a pretty kickass personality (not to brag) and a nice face, but I'm not skinny, and I know that is a deal breaker for a lot of guys. I'm worried about putting myself out there just to be rejected because of that fact (especially if I meet the person online and build up an interest online or it's a blind date and they don't have a clear indication of what I look like before hand. Pictures only tell so much!) Anyways, my current situation: I went out on the town with a girlfriend last weekend, and we used a cab service because we were drinking. The cabbie who picked us up was adorable. I mentioned this to my friend as we were walking back into my place, and she ran and got his number for me. I've been texting him for about a week now, and I'm terrified of the idea of meeting him for a date. I know he saw me briefly when driving us home, but it was dark, and I don't think he really got a clear picture of what I look like. I know I'll be alone forever if I assume every guy I'm interested in is going to reject me, but saying "Just do it. You'll regret it if you don't and there are other fish in the sea if he's not into you and blah blah blah" is a lot easier than actually DOING something. Anyone ever find themselves missing out on the dating world because of fear? If so, did you conquer this fear and how? How do you deal with being rejected for something superficial? I really want to say "yes" if he asks me out, but I'm really afraid of there not being a 2nd date if he determines on the first one that the junk in my trunk is not for him.
LostOnes05 Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Hey such_is _life, I understand how you feel from a male perspective. To put it frankly, I am not tall. I stand about 5'5'' but I am told that I am a good-looking guy. I work out about 5 times a week. With that said, your post really resonated with me. When I was in college, a girl I was friends with told me that other girls would like me more if I was taller. I was kind of shocked because 1)they were talking about me 2) the only impediment I had to dating some very beautiful girls was that I was relatively short. This did bother me for a long time until I realized that I had a host of other qualities (intelligence, goals, humor, etc.) that superseded the need to keep my height as a stumbling block. Now, have I been rejected?...of course!!! Did it sting? Was I upset for a little while?...yep! But accepting myself and improving myself (for my own satisfaction) has helped me become more confident. I'm not someone who dates in general, but I will say to let your personality shine through on the date. Don't worry about your looks. Be the best "you" that you can be. If he doesn't like it, he isn't right for you. Best of luck! 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 (edited) When I was overweight I was tremendously afraid to date and rarely put myself out there. Thankfully I too had a "pretty face" so I got approached from time to time but I was still really insecure about myself and my looks and especially afraid of being intimate. I was about 20-21 at that point and I already knew I couldn't live in some sort of isolated bubble of singleness forever. So, I decided to join some meetup groups for plus size women. All very reputable places and none of that 'chubby chaser' or 'fetishist' stuff was tolerated. I met some really cool people and came out of my shell. By doing so I was also sort of forced to really pay attention to my "presentation". I started dressing better and finding more stylish, tailored clothing that was flattering to my body type and worked out which hair styles/colors suited my face; I even got into makeup. All of that helped me slowly build confidence which then enabled me to learn to flirt and simply just talk to people without feeling self-conscious. With all those things combined, I was then able to better handle the prospect of rejection because I didn't feel as though every rejection made me a complete failure and might have been my very last chance at romance. Edited June 29, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra 1
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 The cabbie was probably more observant than you think. Meet him. See what happens. At worst, you won't click. At best something may start. Even if it turns out badly, that quick pain will still be better then the paralyzing case of "what if" regrets you will harbor for the rest of your life if you don't try.
Author such_is_life Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Thanks for all your advice and sharing your experiences. They really helped me perk up a bit about the situation. Somewhat unfortunately, I sent him some photos of me (after he sent me one of himself) a couple of days ago, and I haven't heard back since. I gave him the option to cut and run if he didn't like big girls, and I think he may have taken me up on it (or perhaps he just got busy?) Again, thanks for all your feedback. I'll give myself a few days to get over the disappointment and then jump back in the saddle, I guess.
lollipopspot Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 If weight is supposed to be an important quality for women, job success is supposed to be one for men. Let's be real: he's a cab driver. There's nothing wrong with that, and if I liked him I would date a cab driver, but it's not like this is a guy who is society's perfect man either. Don't let yourself feel inferior. 1
Assasda Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Hey, Such_is_life, are you going to post the same thing every week?
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Thanks for all your advice and sharing your experiences. They really helped me perk up a bit about the situation. Somewhat unfortunately, I sent him some photos of me (after he sent me one of himself) a couple of days ago, and I haven't heard back since. I gave him the option to cut and run if he didn't like big girls, and I think he may have taken me up on it (or perhaps he just got busy?) Again, thanks for all your feedback. I'll give myself a few days to get over the disappointment and then jump back in the saddle, I guess. Did you tell him that? If somebody I expressed interest in gave me too many "outs" I would no longer want to date them either. It's almost insulting because you are in essence saying, I know you asked me out but you really ought not to have done that because I'm a big girl & you can do so much better so I don't understand why you would want to waste your time with me. Would you want to spend time with somebody who gave you that impression?
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Anyone ever find themselves missing out on the dating world because of fear? If so, did you conquer this fear and how? How do you deal with being rejected for something superficial? Yes I lost a few years because of fears when I was overweight. How I conquer it? I lost 125-lbs and since then I have never been rejected, not even once. Now I do the rejecting. Give yourself the gift of life like I did. Change your life, lose the weight. 1
Diezel Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I'm going to draw the ire of some people here... but let me tell you based on MY experience. I stand at 5'8 and at one point weighed 235 lbs. It greatly put a hamper on my self-esteem, let alone my dating life. Know what I did? I started losing the weight. It did wonders for my self-esteem, not to mention, my body and the way I looked at the dating world. I WAS afraid of dating for these reasons and just assumed anyone who would get to know me would like me for me... well, guess what, I didn't even like me for me and how was ANYONE to supposed to get to know me better if I was covered in layers of fear. Right now, I'm a lean, mean, 160 lb machine and the worries of yesteryear are all in my past. Not only that, but I don't have that fear of dating anymore. That all seems trivial now.
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