Is it better to settle?

[Ruby Slippers]

I've had a number of clear and generous offers from men to take care of me for life. If I were on a less romantic and more pragmatic wavelength regarding love, I'd be married, living in my custom-designed home, and taking vacations around the world. But without real love, true love, none of it would mean anything to me. I came to the clear and unmistakable realization in my last relationship that I'd rather live a simple life with real love than have every material thing I could want but have to go without real love. This is who I am, and I like myself this way.

[Leigh 87]

I've had a number of clear and generous offers from men to take care of me for life. If I were on a less romantic and more pragmatic wavelength regarding love, I'd be married, living in my custom-designed home, and taking vacations around the world. But without real love, true love, none of it would mean anything to me. I came to the clear and unmistakable realization in my last relationship that I'd rather live a simple life with real love than have every material thing I could want but have to go without real love. This is who I am, and I like myself this way.

 

And people who feel sorry for us have no business in doing so.

 

Like they know we are miserable alone?

 

And they're any " happier " dating a man who is secure and stable and treats them well yet who they are not in love with?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

That's interesting.

 

So you feel sorry for us folks who dont wish to date friends just for the sake of having a warm body next to us at night?

 

I feel sorry for people who put so much stock in the fleeting feelings of "love" they become blind everything else. I feel sorry for individuals who pass up on dozens of opportunities because they didn't feel some immediate overwhelming spark or "love at first sight" sensation on a first date. I feel bad for people who spend 5, 10, 20+ years alone and lonely, or in toxic relationships because their desire to love and be loved in such a powerful way it takes control over their lives.

 

No need to take this personally Leigh as it's not like I named you specifically but bear in mind, people like me aren't necessarily getting into relationships while not being 'in love' instantly aren't doing so because we just want a warm body next to us (I feel sorry for people like that too, mind you). Many people are simply capable of finding a happy medium and not running around expecting to be madly in love with everyone we go out with.

[Leigh 87]

I feel sorry for people who put so much stock in the fleeting feelings of "love" they become blind everything else. I feel sorry for individuals who pass up on dozens of opportunities because they didn't feel some immediate overwhelming spark or "love at first sight" sensation on a first date. I feel bad for people who spend 5, 10, 20+ years alone and lonely, or in toxic relationships because their desire to love and be loved in such a powerful way it takes control over their lives.

 

No need to take this personally Leigh as it's not like I named you specifically but bear in mind, people like me aren't necessarily getting into relationships while not being 'in love' instantly aren't doing so because we just want a warm body next to us (I feel sorry for people like that too, mind you). Many people are simply capable of finding a happy medium and not running around expecting to be madly in love with everyone we go out with.

 

 

All I can say is...

 

Last year I fell head over heals for a 32 year old English man who was chubby, had receding and majorly thinning hair and who lived with his parents.

 

I then met my boyfriend. The last guy I felt crazy chemistry for was a prick. At first sites, my boyfriend thought I was gorgeous and adorable. I also felt instant chemistry. I found him to be very attractive.

 

We fell head over heels and both got and still get butterflies.

 

But I'm 28 and still finishing my first college degree and I work minimum wage as a nanny fulll time.... He has a brain injury which makes him forget things plus he can't drive due to his injury issue he sustained it at age 19; he also has very limited employment prospects as he cannot study a degree since he cannot retain all the information he reads.

 

So yes we all settle in terms of wealth, looks and that stuff. Technically we cannot have it all unless we are supermodels who partner up with other supermodels and have a high paid job and live an affluent, luxurious life with the most beautiful person we lay our eyes on.

 

At least for me though, I adore the **** out of my partner and am madly in love as he is with me. We both felt sort of like love at first sites but hey, technically we settled according to some people since we aren't wealthy professionals. We didn't " get it all"

 

My partner and I think we found the love of our lives and couldn't give a damn about our financial statuses although it's difficult at times because of little money. To us, settling is being with a partner whom you're not madly in love with.

 

On the other hand, to others, being madly in love isn't important or it isnt the be all or end all; they far prefer an academic with a professional income and stable life when compared to a man they have true love with yet who is poor and not into reading academic literature.

 

Settling is relative.

 

I feel ridiculously happy with my boyfriend and just know he's the one for me.

[Daisydance]

I don't like the term settling, it's so negative. If anyone goes into a relationship with that frame of mind they deserve everything they get. I've had two crazy in love relationships from day one which were full of drama and both ended in disaster. All of last year I just casually dated just for company but intentionally not seeking a relationship. Most recently I met a guy who was totally different. My friends can't see what I do, they think it's really odd that I am with someone so opposite to previous boyfriends. But I think im at the stage now where I'd like security and peace. I went into this not thinking this was going to be the greatest love of my life but it turns out live grows especially when you get to know someone slowly without rose tinted glasses. I respect that he has worked so hard to save a deposit for a home and that he really cares about his career. I am free to have my own time and I don't feel like I've lost a limb everytime we go a couple days without seeing each other. It sounds wired but I am so much happier with this guy than I have been before, I feel so much more secure in myself and with him. Although my friends assume we are not suited or may even say I've settled

[Eternal Sunshine]

It depends on what kind of person you are. If you can be happy alone, then wait. If you hate being alone, settle. The sad reality is, many people are not going to find that crazy love. Most chose to settle for the sake of having a family, comfort, security or as one of my friends put it "moving to the next stage of life". For many it's a pragmatic decision.

 

I am much older than you and I am going for "all or nothing". Even at my age. I just know that I am never going to regret not hooking up with someone that I could barely tolerate. It's not ideal but I have made my choice and am at peace with it.

[Leigh 87]

I don't like the term settling, it's so negative. If anyone goes into a relationship with that frame of mind they deserve everything they get. I've had two crazy in love relationships from day one which were full of drama and both ended in disaster. All of last year I just casually dated just for company but intentionally not seeking a relationship. Most recently I met a guy who was totally different. My friends can't see what I do, they think it's really odd that I am with someone so opposite to previous boyfriends. But I think im at the stage now where I'd like security and peace. I went into this not thinking this was going to be the greatest love of my life but it turns out live grows especially when you get to know someone slowly without rose tinted glasses. I respect that he has worked so hard to save a deposit for a home and that he really cares about his career. I am free to have my own time and I don't feel like I've lost a limb everytime we go a couple days without seeing each other. It sounds wired but I am so much happier with this guy than I have been before, I feel so much more secure in myself and with him. Although my friends assume we are not suited or may even say I've settled

 

My boyfriend has a house deposit saved. He's great with saving. Totally responsible.

 

I feel so secure in his love for me now that I dont feel like security and comfort and passion are mutually exclusive. At all.

 

My friend is also completely secure in the knowledge that her partner is still head over heels, madly in love with her. They have a stable and happy relationship full of supreme comfortable. totally drama free.

 

They also had crazy chemistry. Yes she is very attractive but not that much prettier than me and she and her partner are by no means freaks of nature.

 

If my good friend and myself ended up in madly in love style relationships with men we were very attracted to and had fireworks with then it obviously isn't that impossible to find for the majority. It just takes time, luck and for some it never happens. But I personally know a few more couples like me and my mate; crazy in love and stable and secure.

[Leigh 87]

I'll just add,

 

My mate and I both seem to garner very strong chemistry with men. She always seems to find men who have strong chemistry for her and I am the same....

 

Some people like us seem to generate natural chemistry easily. Sure we both have great smiles and are slim. But that's not it: my other friend is prettier than me yet she NEVER generates natural instant chemistry with men. She's a model for her profession too and no she's not fussy about a man's appearance.

[Snakechammah]

Like Leigh says, settling is relative.

 

I am older and have 'mutually ended things' with previous exes because I didnt want to 'settle' with them. By settling, I mean, I was never in love with them and could never imagine myself marrying them, no matter how financially secure they are, or what they believe they can provide for me.

 

So I chose to be single. I waited. And I waited. But I never stopped believing I will find 'that elusive love' someday. And I was happy!

 

Many many years later, with cobwebs in my hair and dried pigeon poops on my shoulders, sometime this year, I finally found the guy who ticks all my checklist. The one guy who gets me sexually excited. The one guy who makes me emotionally secure. That elusive love!

 

Am I glad I didn't settle for the previous dudes? HELL YEAH! If I had married one of them, I would have been miserable all my life.

 

So yes, through this assessment of my own life experience, I believe that "if you think you can do better, it means you can do better."

 

The best part is, with my guy, it's a two-way obsession. We both know we've struck the jackpot and so grateful to have waited for each other.

 

Like Eternal Sunshine says, it's all or nothing. Something good is always worth waiting for.

[littleplanet]

I've had a number of clear and generous offers from men to take care of me for life. If I were on a less romantic and more pragmatic wavelength regarding love, I'd be married, living in my custom-designed home, and taking vacations around the world. But without real love, true love, none of it would mean anything to me. I came to the clear and unmistakable realization in my last relationship that I'd rather live a simple life with real love than have every material thing I could want but have to go without real love. This is who I am, and I like myself this way.

 

 

I tend to agree with exactly this. (and I've known both sides)

As my grandpa used to say, "If a thing ain't true, then it's probably false."

And true?

For me the true part has to do with balance.

Often enough we may try to settle - only to find that one side feels what the other doesn't.

And that can be an awful lonely thing.

 

Buyers and sellers.

Men are still conditioned to buy it. The 'purshasing power' of a man.

Women are still conditioned to sell it. The 'market value' of a woman.

Powerful traditions..........

 

Yet the minute love gets commodified, it all goes to hell in a handbasket.

The profit value of valentines, flowers and chocolate boxes.

 

I was a romantic kid.

My IQ was average.

But brains never had much to do with romance.

 

Maybe it's just one of those intangible things......the kind of thing that makes you comfortable inside your own skin.

(and pretty comfortable with the beloved's)

[varonny]

This sounds like me all over. I've only had a few relationships, but all were with men that weren't what I was looking for, but I figured I'd give a chance. Obviously they didn't work out, and I'm glad that they didn't. Perfectly fine guys, just not the ones for me. As a mostly single girl with a relationship chucked in every year or so, I feel like I've gotten to that point where I'm happy with who I am, and don't feel like I should sell myself short on guys that I don't think I'd be compatible with.

 

That being said, I know that I should be more open minded to dating. What you first think of someone might be completely different to who they are. Right now I'm young (23) and excited to be working on my career, but I don't want to be alone forever. Maybe saying yes to a first date wouldn't be so bad every now and then? It's not like we're saying we'd marry them.

 

 

I say, you have a right to be picky, don't put up with dating someone that you don't like or that you think is ok, but you don't have similar aspirations with. Just because all your friends are in relationships, doesn't mean you have to be. Besides, you never know who you'll meet in a week, a month or a year.

[coralsmith]

You will hear advice from many older, single people who will tell you that they will never settle. Then you will run into people like me. I am happily involved with a great girl that I know I can trust, and count on if I need her.

 

I don't know why, but somewhere along the line people started using the word settle to describe any person that doesn't immediately inspire panties to fall off. Sure, there are cases when you could date someone more attractive, but is that all there is in life? I think not.

 

I'm not saying that at all, I mentioned in a previous post I wasn't initially attracted to my previous boyfriends initially

[coralsmith]

All I can say is...

 

Last year I fell head over heals for a 32 year old English man who was chubby, had receding and majorly thinning hair and who lived with his parents.

 

I then met my boyfriend. The last guy I felt crazy chemistry for was a prick. At first sites, my boyfriend thought I was gorgeous and adorable. I also felt instant chemistry. I found him to be very attractive.

 

We fell head over heels and both got and still get butterflies.

 

But I'm 28 and still finishing my first college degree and I work minimum wage as a nanny fulll time.... He has a brain injury which makes him forget things plus he can't drive due to his injury issue he sustained it at age 19; he also has very limited employment prospects as he cannot study a degree since he cannot retain all the information he reads.

 

So yes we all settle in terms of wealth, looks and that stuff. Technically we cannot have it all unless we are supermodels who partner up with other supermodels and have a high paid job and live an affluent, luxurious life with the most beautiful person we lay our eyes on.

 

At least for me though, I adore the **** out of my partner and am madly in love as he is with me. We both felt sort of like love at first sites but hey, technically we settled according to some people since we aren't wealthy professionals. We didn't " get it all"

 

My partner and I think we found the love of our lives and couldn't give a damn about our financial statuses although it's difficult at times because of little money. To us, settling is being with a partner whom you're not madly in love with.

 

On the other hand, to others, being madly in love isn't important or it isnt the be all or end all; they far prefer an academic with a professional income and stable life when compared to a man they have true love with yet who is poor and not into reading academic literature.

 

Settling is relative.

 

I feel ridiculously happy with my boyfriend and just know he's the one for me.

 

I'm glad you're so happy with your boyfriend.

 

When I said settle, I didn't mean settle for someone unattractive or less financially secure. I meant settling for someone you didn't have feelings for. From your posts, it sounds like you haven't settled in this regard.

 

I would prioritise finding that connection and love with another person, more than I would value how they look, how wealthy they were etc.

 

so from my POV, it doesn't sound like you have settled.

[readynow]

I have fallen head over heels in love with many, dated some, got engaged to some and married one but I have come to a realization that the love that lasts is the one where we make a conscious choice of.

 

When you fall head over heels at first sight or first chat or whatever, it's out of your control and fueled by the right chemicals operating at the right time. Well what happens when those chemicals change - perhaps with a change in circumstances or even diet? We're left with a huge gapping hole of nothing and wondering why you are with this person. That's when you hear the words, 'we need to talk - this isn't working - I'm not in love with you anymore'.

 

I feel like if we chose partners in a sensible way, where you like them, and get to know them and grow to love them, then we have found true love.

 

This is not settling, it's allowing your heart and head work together to come up with something real and not some feeling that will die in 5yrs - or 2 weeks.

Edited June 30, 2014 by readynow

[Diezel]

You are only 23! You should be more worried about where your next jello or tequila shot is going to happen.

 

Just let life happen and then maybe you'll meet someone who will render this whole thread void and null.

[coralsmith]

You are only 23! You should be more worried about where your next jello or tequila shot is going to happen.

 

Just let life happen and then maybe you'll meet someone who will render this whole thread void and null.

 

 

Ahaha I worry about that too!

[HappyLove]

There's no right or wrong answer. People make choices based on their life experiences. Settling to me is being with someone who doesn't respect you, lies, cheats, deceives, and uses you. Plenty women fall head over heels for men who treat them like crap. I could never bring myself to accept such a miserable relationship and live such a miserable life.

 

Then you have some who settle for the down and out guy who you'll spend the rest of your life struggling with. I'd like someone who can contribute to the household a man working as hard as I am. Someone I could build a future with and have children with without wondering how we are going to feed them.

 

 

Using someone is never right. If you can be practical though and you meet a man who treats you with respect, loves you, you can laugh with, share the same values, and can contribute to life's challenges and build a future with him...just because he doesn't make your heart skip a beat everytime you see him doesn't mean he isn't the right guy for YOU.

 

It's very lonely in life when you don't accept just any ol man to be with. It takes a while just to find a half decent human being these days. But settling for me is more about not requiring basic respect, love, morals, work ethic.