Is it better to settle?

[coralsmith]

I've never really dated properly. I would say I had done so with 3 guys, 2 of them becoming boyfriends. I've always been of the attitude that I shouldn't go out with someone unless I really liked them - physically very attracted to them and our personalities get on well. I don't take things like money,career etc. into consideration. I won't go out with someone I don't immediately "click" with.

 

However I have noticed a LOT of my friends seem to "settle". For example, I had a friend ( Friend 1) who had been hooking up with a guy for months, then finally became official with him, after he'd made it very clear he was very into her. She told me a month afterwards (at which time they'd been hooking up for almost a year) that she didn't even like him that much. I was baffled as to why she'd agree to date someone who she didn't even like after that length of time. She would go a week without seeing him and tell me she didn't miss him, whereas I missed my ex boyfriend if I went a day without seeing him.

 

Friend 2 took months and months to "decide if she liked him or not". Surely you know fairly early on if you like someone?

 

The thing is, I'm single and my last relationship only lasted a few months. before which i'd been single for 2 years. I'm independent and would never go out with someone for the sake of having company.

 

But Friend 1 has now been going out with her boyfriend for a year and has had him there for her during difficult times, when i've had to go it alone.

 

Friend 2's boyfriend has basically funded her through college, paying her rent, food and taking her on holidays.

 

So my question is - Is it worth it, holding out for someone you're crazy about?

 

Or is it better to "settle" and go with a guy who can offer you stability, company and in the case of my friend, financial security?

 

I'm honestly begining to think my approach is the wrong one, when all my friends are going into relationships with guys they aren't fussed on. Should I do the same in the hopes that feelings will come after a time?

 

I'm 23 and feel that I need some advice from experience!

[Assasda]

Your friends seem totally normal.

 

Women dont just fall in love with people they see.

This is not the movies.

 

They can get to know and care about people after they get to know them better. So your friend's arnt "settling" - its actuially the opposite.

They actually know they're lovers with a deeper connection.

 

 

You could learn a lot from your friends

[coralsmith]

Your friends seem totally normal.

 

Women dont just fall in love with people they see.

This is not the movies.

 

They can get to know and care about people after they get to know them better. So your friend's arnt "settling" - its actuially the opposite.

They actually know they're lovers with a deeper connection.

 

 

You could learn a lot from your friends

 

How do you know they have a deeper connection?

 

Friend 1 knew her boyfriend for a year before deciding to go out with him, and said she didn't like him very much. She said she didn't even miss him after he'd been away a week - is that really a "deep connection" ?!

[henderson14]

Your friends seem totally normal.

 

Women dont just fall in love with people they see.

This is not the movies.

 

They can get to know and care about people after they get to know them better. So your friend's arnt "settling" - its actuially the opposite.

They actually know they're lovers with a deeper connection.

 

 

You could learn a lot from your friends

 

There is know way to know this is true. People do serttle.

[coralsmith]

I feel I should also stress I don't fall for people I "see"

 

all 3 of the men I mentioned I was not initially attracted to. I got to know them a bit better and the attraction came shortly afterwards. something just clicked with them that made me REALLY love/like them. it didn't take a year to figure out.

 

I am not arguing that you should immediately fall in love with someone, but asking if it's better to hold out for someone who gives you butterflies, makes you feel head over heels

 

or go for someone who doesn't make you feel like that, but can offer the other things mentioned.

[JungleLover]

I'm 23 and feel that I need some advice from experience!

 

 

I think the last sentence of your post is the key. You will not always find your ideal relationship. I am a strong advocate of dating for experience and companionship. It can be very crushing to finally find someone you truly love only to lose them because you did not have the relationship experience and wisdom to make it work (the one you let get away).

 

I am not advocating just dating anyone or someone you have no attraction to like your friend did. I am advocating losing up a bit and learning to enjoy dating even the not so ideal person. There is still a lot of opportunity to grow in them and you can even be so surprised to grow to really have strong feelings for the person. It happens all of the time.

 

So you don't have to be crazy about him but you can one day turn out to be crazy about him.

[coralsmith]

I think the last sentence of your post is the key. You will not always find your ideal relationship. I am a strong advocate of dating for experience and companionship. It can be very crushing to finally find someone you truly love only to lose them because you did not have the relationship experience and wisdom to make it work (the one you let get away).

 

I am not advocating just dating anyone or someone you have no attraction to like your friend did. I am advocating losing up a bit and learning to enjoy dating even the not so ideal person. There is still a lot of opportunity to grow in them and you can even be so surprised to grow to really have strong feelings for the person. It happens all of the time.

 

So you don't have to be crazy about him but you can one day turn out to be crazy about him.

 

That does make a lot of sense. With my previous boyfriend, we got really close in a short space of time and I was head over heels for him. I think my inexperience and not knowing how to deal with certain things got in the way a bit.

 

But at which point do you draw a line? in the case of Friend 1 mentioned, she'd been seeing him a year and wasn't fussed on him. She agreed to date him officially and 2 years down the line, she doesn't even miss him.

 

She might care for him and have deep feelings for him because obviously being in a relationship is intimate. But ultimately I don't think she is in love with him. She might love him, but not in love.

 

So if I date someone, develop feelings and grow to love them, have I not maybe missed an opportunity to be with someone I could fall in love with?

[SummerDreams]

Whether you settle or not really depends on whether you can handle being single (and alone), without a partner, sex, companionship or not. Independent women don't settle cause they've learnt to enjoy life mostly by themselves and they consider others to be walkons in their happiness. Women who need a bf to feel fulfilled and happy may very easily settle. This doesn't make them bad or mean, but in a way insecure and dependent.

 

Personally I settled for idiots when I was younger but the moment I knew who I was and what I needed in life I stopped settling and then I met my bf.

[GemmaUK]

I have tried the 'give a guy a chance' thing three times.

 

I would rather be single forever more than do that again.

 

All three situations were 'not the best'...the last one was horrific!

[Stumble]

I've never really dated properly. I would say I had done so with 3 guys, 2 of them becoming boyfriends. I've always been of the attitude that I shouldn't go out with someone unless I really liked them - physically very attracted to them and our personalities get on well. I don't take things like money,career etc. into consideration. I won't go out with someone I don't immediately "click" with.

 

However I have noticed a LOT of my friends seem to "settle". For example, I had a friend ( Friend 1) who had been hooking up with a guy for months, then finally became official with him, after he'd made it very clear he was very into her. She told me a month afterwards (at which time they'd been hooking up for almost a year) that she didn't even like him that much. I was baffled as to why she'd agree to date someone who she didn't even like after that length of time. She would go a week without seeing him and tell me she didn't miss him, whereas I missed my ex boyfriend if I went a day without seeing him.

 

Friend 2 took months and months to "decide if she liked him or not". Surely you know fairly early on if you like someone?

 

The thing is, I'm single and my last relationship only lasted a few months. before which i'd been single for 2 years. I'm independent and would never go out with someone for the sake of having company.

 

But Friend 1 has now been going out with her boyfriend for a year and has had him there for her during difficult times, when i've had to go it alone.

 

Friend 2's boyfriend has basically funded her through college, paying her rent, food and taking her on holidays.

 

So my question is - Is it worth it, holding out for someone you're crazy about?

 

Or is it better to "settle" and go with a guy who can offer you stability, company and in the case of my friend, financial security?

 

I'm honestly begining to think my approach is the wrong one, when all my friends are going into relationships with guys they aren't fussed on. Should I do the same in the hopes that feelings will come after a time?

 

I'm 23 and feel that I need some advice from experience!

Been there done that. I am the same as you, independent, wants to fall in love, have a good job, want a man who clicks with me and makes me laugh. I never settled with anyone unless I was genuinely attracted to them. I was single for a long time while my friends have BFs who some they aren't even in love with (similar to your situation) I could not understand how they can sleep with someone they don't love.

 

One year I thought okay maybe I should settle with someone, Im sick and tired of people asking me why I'm single and I also wanted a relationship...then a guy who I have known for 2 years started to show interest in me, I was not into him at first but we hung out more and more, he was a very nice guy and charming but I was not sure whether we are very compatible enough but I gave him a chance then started to fall for him slowly then we were official. Dated for a year and a half, then I realise this is not what I want, I was still in love with him but he was not someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The worse part was having to break it off with him. I thought it would be easy cos I ended it but it was painful and heartbreaking to see him upset and putting him through the break up. I cared about him and I had relationship with him but I had to end it sooner rather than later so we can move on quickly. The sooner I give him the chance to meet the right girl the better...and I can go and be with someone that I truly love. Yes I did not want to be single after that, I missed his company, god know how long I was going to be single for but I would rather be alone than being in a relationship with someone who I don't want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Don't do it unless you have a cold heart. Hold out for someone who gives you butterfly and *****

[coralsmith]

Whether you settle or not really depends on whether you can handle being single (and alone), without a partner, sex, companionship or not. Independent women don't settle cause they've learnt to enjoy life mostly by themselves and they consider others to be walkons in their happiness. Women who need a bf to feel fulfilled and happy may very easily settle. This doesn't make them bad or mean, but in a way insecure and dependent.

 

Personally I settled for idiots when I was younger but the moment I knew who I was and what I needed in life I stopped settling and then I met my bf.

 

which one would you advise though, based on your experiences?

 

Is it better to opt for security?

 

Or to wait it out until you meet someone you're crazy about?

 

I know you say you settled for idiots, but the guys mentioned are decent guys. You can still settle for a decent guy, because you fall in love with someone based on a connection, not just on how nice they are (otherwise friend-zones wouldn't exist!)

 

Or am I being an idealist?

[coralsmith]

I have tried the 'give a guy a chance' thing three times.

 

I would rather be single forever more than do that again.

 

All three situations were 'not the best'...the last one was horrific!

 

oh dear! What was bad about them? did they turn out to be jerks ooor?

[JungleLover]

That does make a lot of sense. With my previous boyfriend, we got really close in a short space of time and I was head over heels for him. I think my inexperience and not knowing how to deal with certain things got in the way a bit.

 

But at which point do you draw a line? in the case of Friend 1 mentioned, she'd been seeing him a year and wasn't fussed on him. She agreed to date him officially and 2 years down the line, she doesn't even miss him.

 

She might care for him and have deep feelings for him because obviously being in a relationship is intimate. But ultimately I don't think she is in love with him. She might love him, but not in love.

 

So if I date someone, develop feelings and grow to love them, have I not maybe missed an opportunity to be with someone I could fall in love with?

 

 

If I had a dime for every time someone thought they were not crazy for someone, took them for granted and when they finally lost them they lose their minds to trying to get them back.

 

Your friend has grown attached to this guy, takes him for granted and does not realize it. She will realize how deep it is once he is gone or no longer interested in her. Watch the tables turn quickly. Just watch.

 

 

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. If you are in a relationship and enjoying that person, don't focus on what you may be missing. You may think you are missing something that you already have or that is not easily obtainable.

 

Go with the flow and try not to rock the boat in relationships. It is very simple but very practical advice.

[travelbug1996]

I want someone I'm crazy about and vice versa. I will never settle. I embrace the times I'm single and look forward to actually falling in love. I don't want to be with someone who only cares for me but I just feel meh about them. Its not fair to me or them.

 

I have friends who have sex and are in relationships with men who they don't love. Personally, I couldn't do it. Being single is not that bad. I have plenty of men asking me out but I don't entertain a man that I have no physical attraction to. That is very important to me. I have male friends that I hang out with that are platonic so if I just need male company, I hang with them.

 

There's one guy whose like 15 years older than me that wants to take care of me and possibly marry me but I don't like him like that so I told him I only see him as a friend. I'm not into wasting time. Its too valuable.

[todreaminblue]

it normally takes me a long time to develop intimate feelings for someone..to trust ...if i dont trust i dont develop feelings....my heart leads though so i follow that.....i am wary when i develop feelings without knowing the guy first....i have settled in the past longer than i should have settled i have a never give up policy ...which woudl eb great if it were to eb the right guy for me

 

 

 

 

i can develop feelings over time.....my heart invests before my brain catches up....and i believe that i have learned from my relationships and that i have improved on relationships with guys every time......so i have no regret..my heart always guides....and i follow....on guard of course....lol....

 

 

 

the joy of being a multiple is my heart has back up...im the back up......the voice of reason and control when my heart is a foolish idealist thinking of rainbow kites and dancing when a heart shouldnt be dancing.....but it takes all types ....so one day.....is my favorite catchphrase.....and there wont be settling.....just joy......all hearts should have that joy............deb

[SummerDreams]

which one would you advise though, based on your experiences?

 

Is it better to opt for security?

 

Or to wait it out until you meet someone you're crazy about?

 

I know you say you settled for idiots, but the guys mentioned are decent guys. You can still settle for a decent guy, because you fall in love with someone based on a connection, not just on how nice they are (otherwise friend-zones wouldn't exist!)

 

Or am I being an idealist?

 

It really depends on your character, your idea for life, your plans for the future. You have to ask these questions to yourself: Can I be happy if I am with a man who I love and respect but I'm not in love with? Is security in a marriage more important than passion and lust, probably good sex as well? Do I consider better the idea of a man who fulfills me sexually and passionately or emotionally and makes me feel secure? Do I want to have kids? Do I care about what others expect me to do in my life? Can I be alone waiting for the one man I'll madly fall in love with? Can I take rejection in case this man won't love me back? Can I live without sex until I find such a man?

 

I know not settling is the answer everyone wants to hear, but realistically we do settle for things everyday and nobody can judge us for that.

[Stumble]

It really depends on your character, your idea for life, your plans for the future. You have to ask these questions to yourself: Can I be happy if I am with a man who I love and respect but I'm not in love with? Is security in a marriage more important than passion and lust, probably good sex as well? Do I consider better the idea of a man who fulfills me sexually and passionately or emotionally and makes me feel secure? Do I want to have kids? Do I care about what others expect me to do in my life? Can I be alone waiting for the one man I'll madly fall in love with? Can I take rejection in case this man won't love me back? Can I live without sex until I find such a man?

 

I know not settling is the answer everyone wants to hear, but realistically we do settle for things everyday and nobody can judge us for that.

Well Coral smith clearly said 'I've never really dated properly. I would say I had done so with 3 guys, 2 of them becoming boyfriends. I've always been of the attitude that I shouldn't go out with someone unless I really liked them - physically very attracted to them and our personalities get on well. I don't take things like money,career etc. into consideration. I won't go out with someone I don't immediately "click" with.,

 

This says a lot already of what is ideal for her. I agree about marriage thing, luckily I don't wanna get married so I'm okay to wait. Also, You can still have sex if you're single. Rejection is part of life, no one likes it. I been rejected by guys I was very into and learn to move on, still feel better than sleeping with someone I'm not in love with or find unattractive.

[GemmaUK]

oh dear! What was bad about them? did they turn out to be jerks ooor?

 

All three were 'nice guys' self proclaimed nice guys.

 

Two turned out to just be jerks.

All three lied about various things.

The third turned out to be a jerk as well as controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive and I ran and locked myself in a room before he hit me so I can't say he was physically abusive. I got away when he raised his hand and arm.

 

Luckily for me these were all short lived mistakes on my part.

Only one rs lasted over 6 months.

 

To be honest I don't count one of them as a rs at all..it was too short a time!

[Versacehottie]

I think the last sentence of your post is the key. You will not always find your ideal relationship. I am a strong advocate of dating for experience and companionship. It can be very crushing to finally find someone you truly love only to lose them because you did not have the relationship experience and wisdom to make it work (the one you let get away).

 

I am not advocating just dating anyone or someone you have no attraction to like your friend did. I am advocating losing up a bit and learning to enjoy dating even the not so ideal person. There is still a lot of opportunity to grow in them and you can even be so surprised to grow to really have strong feelings for the person. It happens all of the time.

 

So you don't have to be crazy about him but you can one day turn out to be crazy about him.

 

Great advice above. Here's how I see what's going on with your friends. Some people approach their relationships very differently even though as friends you probably seemingly have a lot in common. Some girls are quite comfortable being put on a pedestal by a guy who doesn't necessarily give them butterflies but does give them a lot of attention. In addition, they want to be a girlfriend or a wife and progress through stages of relationship as a priority whereas are somewhat flexible on the actual person. In meantime, the guy is around and feelings either really develop or your girlfriends' goals remain same in which case he is still needed and in the picture. For some girls, this kind of relationship makes them as happy as what the rest of us think of as a more balanced or even relationship where neither person is settling. So that's what's going on with them. I will say that sometimes these kind of relationships end in an ugly way because girl was selfish and guy was just filling role and it was unbalanced--so the girl leaves abruptly and moves on to some other guy etc or cheats.

 

As far as settling goes--there's is a difference between settling and approaching dating and relationships with an open mind. In my opinion and my recommendation is not to settle. I think if you're asking the question, you probably aren't the type to do what your friends are doing anyway (which pretty much sounds like settling). As one poster said, once you get involved you are really just wasting your time and you can care for your guy enough without being in love with him that you end up staying way longer out of guilt, etc. It is just messy. Being open-minded is great and I highly recommend. Go on dates with guys for the experience if there's a bit of a feeling there or a chance you might like him. Try not to be judgmental on things like looks, status or job/money because you may be passing up a great guy with a good heart that is perfect for you and will be right for your life. Something I think it's helpful is when you are out doing your day to day stuff and see couples (especially close to your age and that feel similar to you OR if the girl someone you would admire--looks, demeanor, etc), pay attention, observe and take a good look at her boyfriend. Often you will see that even the prettiest girl, who seemingly have a life that looks ideal to you have boyfriends that if the guy approached you initially wouldn't be interested in. Observe them for a bit if you get the chance. After a while you will be able to tell which are in good enough relationships---and the more you observe these guys you will see that they come in all shapes and sizes and it will open your mind some. Without observing others "good" relationships and what they are composed of, too often we can get stuck in fantasy land--celebrities' looks and just the handful of hottest guys that everyone likes and don't necessarily make the best boyfriends--all the while missing out on all the other great ones. For example, like a lot of girls, I never thought I would date a guy that was on the short side. Once I opened my mind to it, not only have a dated some that were great but I also realized that before I opened my mind about it--I probably missed out on some great guys that were short. Good luck with it all and have fun.

[Leigh 87]

You will hear advice from many older, single people who will tell you that they will never settle. Then you will run into people like me. I am happily involved with a great girl that I know I can trust, and count on if I need her.

 

I don't know why, but somewhere along the line people started using the word settle to describe any person that doesn't immediately inspire panties to fall off. Sure, there are cases when you could date someone more attractive, but is that all there is in life? I think not.

 

 

 

My boyfriend honestly thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world in his eyes. He knows very well I'm not a supermodel or even a model look alike. But to him I am the most attractive woman because he didn't settle. He went for a woman he felt instant chemistry with and who he was sufficiently attracted to. He didn't need a supermodel in order for him.to want to rip a girls clothes off. Just natural chemistry with the right woman.

 

If you have some degree of natural excitement, chemistry and spark then you won't even factor in that " yes they weren't the most attractive partner available but they are good to me". Rather, my boyfriend did want to rip my clothes off even though I'm obviously not all that. To him I was. He was realistic, didn't need a.supermodel and was able to fall head over heels for an average girl due to natural chemistry.

 

We also look similar and have that natural chemistry.

[Eggplant]

I've decided never to settle. I want love. I'll be happy if I'm madly in love with him and he's madly in love with me.

 

 

Otherwise, actually I'm really introverted, and love my work, and can basically be happy enough.

 

 

I have 0 desire to just somehow tolerate and tie myself down to a so-so person I don't enjoy talking to. I totally want my space.

 

 

I want children, but I am so loathe to the idea of settling that I'll just forget having kids before I give myself over to somebody I don't love.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

It sounds like you believe there are only two approaches to dating and relationships and that if you're not head over heels in love, you're settling.

 

We're the same age however I harbor no illusions about love or the act of falling in it. The idea of being simply swept away by romantic feeling for a lover is well and truly foreign to me. It's not that I don't "believe" in it or feel it will ever happen for me, but it certainly isn't something I look for and frankly don't feel it's a thing I could handle right now anyway.

 

But I date and get into relationships any way because I am fond of that person for whatever reasons. While I may not be in love with partners, I still care for them and would be saddened by the loss of them nonetheless.

 

There are people who spend their whole lives looking for love, dreaming of being in love or feeling disappointed and alone if it doesn't happen for them and I feel really sorry for people like that. They live in a kind of fantasy world and they tend to miss out on a lot of great relationships (that may even have go on to become more) because they didn't get some dizzy, butterflies in the stomach breathless sensation right off the bat.

[Leigh 87]

Getting butterflies and feeling exciting about a second date really isn't that ground breaking.

 

 

I don't think my boyfriend and I are an anomaly.

[Leigh 87]

It sounds like you believe there are only two approaches to dating and relationships and that if you're not head over heels in love, you're settling.

 

We're the same age however I harbor no illusions about love or the act of falling in it. The idea of being simply swept away by romantic feeling for a lover is well and truly foreign to me. It's not that I don't "believe" in it or feel it will ever happen for me, but it certainly isn't something I look for and frankly don't feel it's a thing I could handle right now anyway.

 

But I date and get into relationships any way because I am fond of that person for whatever reasons. While I may not be in love with partners, I still care for them and would be saddened by the loss of them nonetheless.

 

There are people who spend their whole lives looking for love, dreaming of being in love or feeling disappointed and alone if it doesn't happen for them and I feel really sorry for people like that. They live in a kind of fantasy world and they tend to miss out on a lot of great relationships (that may even have go on to become more) because they didn't get some dizzy, butterflies in the stomach breathless sensation right off the bat.

 

That's interesting.

 

So you feel sorry for us folks who dont wish to date friends just for the sake of having a warm body next to us at night?

 

I have a few great friends who fell in love with me. They had money and I really, really liked hanging around one of them. But ya know, there is really no need to feel sorry for me for not opting to date a man whom I didn't have true romantic feelings towards.

[guest569]

You either want to be with someone or you dont. Being with someone you "dont even like" is wrong and extremely unfair to the person you are dating!! Why would you?

 

I'm not talking about being instantly madly in love with someone. But if there is zero attraction or interest, why on earth would you date or pursue a relationship with them? I think people who claim to "settle" are blind, they surely hold some interest in the person.