Should you know who your SO is with?

[germain]

If the person you're in a relationship with goes out with a mutual friend, is it wrong to want to know who they are going to be around or where they're going? My girlfriend is going to a party, but she isn't sure where specifically. I don't care that she's going out. I want her to have fun, but it makes me a little uncomfortable not knowing where or with who she'll end up being around or that she doesn't feel the desire to share any of that with me without having to bug her about it, which I'm not going to do. I said this to her, but I ended up coming away from the conversation feeling like I'm just being jealous and controlling.

 

I usually offer up the information to my girlfriend, or she has hinted at wanting to know who I'm with in the past, so she seems a little inconsistent in her actions and what she is saying here. I don't mind telling her. I don't feel like she's not letting me do my thing by doing so. I know I've got some issues with trust - which is my problem, nothing specific to her for the most part. But I also want to know she will be safe, and that if anything were to happen to her, I would know where she is. Her response to that was she wouldn't put herself in unsafe situations and wouldn't call me to pick her up or help her out if she needed it. That didn't make me feel any better.

[Assasda]

Yeah, You do sound a little controlling.

You should leave her alone. Let her do what she wants.

 

Her answer to your safety question, seems like you're prying, so be water man, and go with the flow.

She's not your daughter, she s a grown ass woman

[Elle1975]

If the person you're in a relationship with goes out with a mutual friend, is it wrong to want to know who they are going to be around or where they're going? My girlfriend is going to a party, but she isn't sure where specifically. I don't care that she's going out. I want her to have fun, but it makes me a little uncomfortable not knowing where or with who she'll end up being around or that she doesn't feel the desire to share any of that with me without having to bug her about it, which I'm not going to do. I said this to her, but I ended up coming away from the conversation feeling like I'm just being jealous and controlling.

 

I usually offer up the information to my girlfriend, or she has hinted at wanting to know who I'm with in the past, so she seems a little inconsistent in her actions and what she is saying here. I don't mind telling her. I don't feel like she's not letting me do my thing by doing so. I know I've got some issues with trust - which is my problem, nothing specific to her for the most part. But I also want to know she will be safe, and that if anything were to happen to her, I would know where she is. Her response to that was she wouldn't put herself in unsafe situations and wouldn't call me to pick her up or help her out if she needed it. That didn't make me feel any better.

 

I don't think it's unrealistic, as long as you aren't picking on the details and turning the heat up on where, who, why, what?? Like a cop or a jealous bf.

 

I let my friends know where I will be, just chit-chatting really, part of the interaction I have with them.

 

Now if you feel she's really vague and really doesn't want to know where she'll be, that's another story.

[JungleLover]

Sounds like you are being jealous and non-trusting and she is fighting back but not telling you much. You are hiding your jealous and non-trusting personality under the guise of being concerned about her safety. You are not her father and I assume she is not 13 years old. I am sure she can take care of herself unless she is severely handicapped.

 

Learn how to let go and trust the people you date even after your trust has been violated in the past. It is just healthy for the mind.

[maysj18]

I disagree. I don't think you're being jealous. I always tell my boyfriend where I'm going and vice versa. Obviously not every little place I go, but if it's a big outing then I always do just out of respect and safety. It is NEVER out of jealousy. Ever. I think when two adults are exclusive it's perfectly fine to ask details about plans. I've also been with my boyfriend for years and we basically live together so maybe my situation is different than yours, but I don't know.

 

I will say though that you may be giving off a controlling vibe. Rather than asking casually, you come off as if you're taking tabs on her.

[d0nnivain]

If your GF genuinely doesn't know where she will be going, I'd Q her judgment. She needs to care more about her own safety.

 

An SO isn't a parent. They don't need specific details but I think its fair that you be told, I'm going to a party the next town over with my friend Jane.

[mattny]

Mine also always told me the details. Never had to pry it out of her mouth.

 

I would only text or call if she said she was going to be home at a certain time and she wasnt home by then.

 

Two times this happened. Once for a halloween party at my Crossfit Gym (i hada work the next day and couldnt go), just texted her to see if things were ok. I got a text back 10min later saying the party went well over and everyone was leaving. I know everyone there so I didnt have to proof her answer.

 

Second time was her older sisters bachelorette party. That needed no explanation lol. Other than that, she was free to do as she pleased and she never overstepped her boundaries. Was nice to have 'guys night out' and 'girls night out'.

[central]

If she's unwilling to tell you out of simple respect and courtesy, she may be hiding something. You can't control her if she's secretive, deceptive, or unwilling to reassure you that there isn't a problem, but you can break up with her over such behavior. If it hasn't reached that point, then you can treat her the same way (not sharing information) and see how the situation evolves before deciding anything.

[GemmaUK]

Two scenarios, two relationships, common denominator = me.

 

RS#1

Me: I'm off out on Friday straight after work so are you free Saturday to do something together?

Him: Yeah, sure! Have fun on Friday! Doing anything nice?

Me: Yeah, me and Cath from work are off to see a film and going for dinner, should be good.

Him: Cool! I'll give Jeff a call and get him out for a few beers. I'll be free Saturday.

 

RS#2

Me: I'm off out on Friday straight after work so are you free Saturday to...

(I don't get a chance to finish the sentence and he jumps in)

Him: Who are you going out with? Where are you going?

Me: Just a film and dinner with a friend.

Him: Which friend? A guy?

Me: Just a friend, so are you free on Saturday or shall I make other plans.

Him: Just a friend who?

 

In RS#1 his first thought was 'have fun!' He didn't show any signs of not trusting me - by trusting me he is being respectful about me having a life and also respectful about my choice of friends.

I am therefore more than happy to say who I am going with and what we are doing.

 

 

In RS#2 he didn't say 'have fun' and probably didn't even think it all he is concerned about is who I am going with. He has done this time and again and he is being disrespectful toward me as he immediately thinks I am going with a guy and that I will cheat.

I haven't ever given him any reason not to trust me and his questioning of 'who with' makes me think that he believes I am THAT STUPID that I would not be able to say no if another guy tried to make an advance on me.

If he were just to say 'have fun' and mean it instead of all the questions I am way more likely to offer up more information.

I used to dread when I would tell him I was going out. It upset me that he thought so damn little of me.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Sounds like you are being jealous and non-trusting and she is fighting back but not telling you much. You are hiding your jealous and non-trusting personality under the guise of being concerned about her safety. You are not her father and I assume she is not 13 years old. I am sure she can take care of herself unless she is severely handicapped.

 

Learn how to let go and trust the people you date even after your trust has been violated in the past. It is just healthy for the mind.

 

YES, this, thank you!

 

Anyway, OP when I say I'm out sometimes my guy wants to know with whom, where at and what city and will keep asking me in a half dozen different ways until I either tell him or shut it down. He doesn't even know any of my friends so I could tell him anything and it would make little difference since its not like he could verify.

 

Sometimes I find it endearing that he's showing a bit of jealousy but other times it's just downright annoying, not to mention insulting. As childish as it may be, my reaction to this varies but I usually become even more vague and stubborn; which is, of course, the exact opposite of what he was looking for.

 

I don't like being interrogated and I haven't been required to report my exact whereabouts to anyone since I was under 18 and still living under my parent's roof. Therefore it irritates me when I, a grown woman, find myself being repeatedly questioned or expected to hand over my itinerary. Especially since not only do I not ever do the same to him, but he can't actually provide me with a legitimate reason why he needs this information.

 

Half the time it annoys me when he does this because it feels invasive and basically screams "I don't trust you". It's insidiously accusatory. With that in mind, I think its fairly easy to understand why this could make your girlfriend even more reluctant to share.

 

OP, let's not pretend this is a safety issue. Admit that you're perhaps a little jealous and maybe even have some reservations about trusting her but please don't act as if your line of questioning is all perfectly normal and innocent. It isn't.

[firmness]

I will have to disagree with just about everyone else here. Nothing you have said makes you sound jealous or controlling. Those are off the shelf cookie cutter responses - with all due respect.

 

We all need to feel safe in a relationship. We need to know that our partners are not going to be deceptive or duplicitous. A good partner never lets the other feel this way - s/he would explain things up front.

 

"Hey, I am going out this weekend with Sally. I am not sure about the place yet - her friend invited her - but it is somewhere in West Bangor. I will drop you a note to let you know I got there safely once we arrive. We maybe there late - at least I hope the party is that good. So, how was your day?"

 

 

See how that works?

 

 

If she does not do this automatically, there are two likely scenarios - neither of them good. I will leave them to your imagination.

 

You will have to let her go. Let this relationship go in your mind. The more you worry about this, the less safe you will feel. And no matter what happens, never do this to her. Always let her know where you are going. Make her feel safe. Keep her in the loop on your details. Invite her into your life whether you are on the track to marriage or not.

 

If she does not reciprocate, then begin the slow process of uncoupling in your mind. Find a better woman. This does not mean that she is bad - just not a good fit. Some women value their secrecy over the safety of their partners and their relationships.

 

You are feeling that and it is ugly. Good luck.

[ThorntonMelon]

One thing I would say is that you can always talk to her outside of this particular event and tell her (after the party) it is your preference to share back and forth whats going on.

 

You really don't know her feelings about it. It is IRRELEVANT if we think its controlling.

 

What is relevant is her feelings about it. If she finds it controlling, you guys likely aren't a great fit for each other and you should think about the repercussions of that on your relationship.

 

The key is not to tie the conversation to a specific event or make her feel defensive, but to just share yourself openly and get her feelings openly.

[firmness]

YES, this, thank you!

 

Anyway, OP when I say I'm out sometimes my guy wants to know with whom, where at and what city and will keep asking me in a half dozen different ways until I either tell him or shut it down. ...

 

Sometimes I find it endearing ...but other times it's just downright annoying, ...

I don't like being interrogated and I haven't been required to report my exact whereabouts to anyone since I... he can't actually provide me with a legitimate reason why he needs this information.

... it feels invasive and basically screams "I don't trust you". It's insidiously accusatory.

 

... please don't act as if your line of questioning is all perfectly normal and innocent. It isn't.

 

This is a fair perspective, but this is not the behavior of an honest person. This attitude IS The problem. I hope that you find a person who is okay with this. You deserve this sort of man.

 

OP is sharing a legitimate concern and nothing he said sounds offensive or controlling.

 

When a partner is acting deceptive, withholding information, or shady in any way, this sets off alarm bells in our minds. Of course it screams " I don't trust you" because I don't!

 

I guess a distinction should be made here. The nature and duration of the relationship matters big time. I didn't think about that in my last response. If this is the first few months and the "getting to know you" phase, I would expect more space and privacy. OP's questions (in his mind) are reasonable, but you keep this to yourself.

 

If is a LTR (however you define this), then such concerns are much more understandable.

 

Men need to listen to women. I did and it has made all the difference. I have learned MUCH from the women in my life. One thing almost every woman says is "trust your instincts." If you feel that something is off, it probably is.

 

OP - you may be thinking of marriage. This is a legal contract that society and the government will hold you accountable to for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. If you think that even the slightest thing is wrong, then you should not ask her questions. Leave her be. She is not ready for you.

 

In a healthy, long term relationship, women should never act duplicitously, and they should never feel like you are controlling them for asking obvious simple question. Never ask. Just watch her behaviors. No games, no tests, no questions - just observe. This will tell you everything you need to know.

 

No matter how strongly your "feelings" tell you to stay, get out of there slowly but decisively. If you feel this way in the beginning, you will feel this way for the rest of your life.

 

She has the right to have fun and be treated like an adult. But in a relationship we both have a responsibility to build/earn trust and respect. If she has not worked her ass off to earn your trust and respect, what are you doing with her?

[phineas]

I disagree. I don't think you're being jealous. I always tell my boyfriend where I'm going and vice versa. Obviously not every little place I go, but if it's a big outing then I always do just out of respect and safety. It is NEVER out of jealousy. Ever. I think when two adults are exclusive it's perfectly fine to ask details about plans. I've also been with my boyfriend for years and we basically live together so maybe my situation is different than yours, but I don't know.

 

I will say though that you may be giving off a controlling vibe. Rather than asking casually, you come off as if you're taking tabs on her.

 

Pretty much this.

My wife and I always let each other know where we were going.

It wasn't even an agreed up thing.

 

When she started getting vauge about her whereabouts is when she started cheating.

 

Personally if someone you are supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with doesn't want to tell you where they are going I'd wonder why.

Consequently if someone you are supposedly in an exclusive relationship doesn't care where you are going I'd wonder why also.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It would seem abnormal in a relationship for me if my guy DIDN'T tell me roughly where he was going/who with... it's not a jealousy thing, surely you just share stuff with your partner? I mean I usually tell him what I'm getting up to (Dinner, a movie, drinks) and roughly where if I don't know the venue, and who I'm with. Ditto. There's no inquisition as to who else is going to be there, like some people want to know every last person who was at the party because they're jealous and mistrustful, I'm not like that but I would feel it was weird if a partner was being evasive and deliberately vague about their plans.

 

My current guy just went off on tour alone for a week, crashing at strangers' houses and playing dive bars, travelling around alone and making new friends along the way. We kept in touch every day multiple times but sometimes on an evening he was out of touch because his phone had died or he had no signal at the venue or maybe he was just having too much fun with the people he'd met and I hadn't specifically text him asking him to get back in touch, who knows. I just thought well, whether I hound and question him or not he will be doing whatever he wants with me not around to find out so trust the guy. If later on I'm proved wrong then so be it, but I'd rather trust someone than doubt them. It's nice to have a bit of freedom from time to time to be apart with your own friends and adventures, it's even sweeter when you reunite and you get chance to focus on your own life and friendships while they're gone, whether it's for a night or a month.

 

He volunteered who he'd met, told me a little about them, but I didn't ask him each day where he'd slept the previous night. Just didn't really enter my head, I assumed he'd found some digs and if there was a cool story I'd hear about it in due course.

[MissBee]

Healthy relationships have transparency.

 

My bf doesn't demand to know where I'm going and with who and neither I with him, because we automatically tell each other as common courtesy. Do you all live together? We don't...but even more so I can't imagine if you live together why you wouldn't do that.

 

God forbid anything happens and you can't even tell them where or with who your gf was last with. Even with roommates, just for safety sake, I always let someone know where I'm gonna be and with who, so in case anything happens they have something to go on. So with a bf, even more so.

 

You have different ideas about this and I think you should come to a compromise about it.

Edited June 29, 2014 by MissBee

[Joaquin]

I would think vague references to going partying and not saying where or what the occassion was etc would give most guys pause for thought.

[aussietigerwolf]

it depends on the way the op asked... Sure, we all volunteer the info if asked in a friendly trusting way but if virtually interrogated then I can understand being vague.

[todreaminblue]

with the world the way it is today.......

 

it is a natural right for someone who cares for another to know exactly where they are, to have an idea how long they may be there, to know of who they are with, what their plans are....i dont find this contolling at all.....i find it a defense against the not knowing where a person may end up at, or who with or things that can happen have a defense and a reason to be considered out of character ...so in other words a protection and the peace that brings to the person who sists at home giving a crap in the first place......

 

 

 

 

if no one knew missing person reports would not be filed until much too late to make a difference...murder happens rape happens..accidents happen..horrible things happen.....if no one cared to ask ...no one would know of something did happen or an out of character event could occur....to me its defensive and logical to let people know where you are how long you wil be...a partner should have first rights to this...it isnt control its common sense and its a giving of peace t soemone who would worry if you said nothing........... controlling would be saying nah youre not going unless you do this.......telling soemone where you are going is just etiquette and understanding of a partner who has the right to know and to care...................deb

[Lernaean_Hydra]

it depends on the way the op asked... Sure, we all volunteer the info if asked in a friendly trusting way but if virtually interrogated then I can understand being vague.

 

Exactly this. I think my initial reply might not have made this clear but this is what I meant. I don't just drop a vague "I'm out some place with a friend", I freely volunteer pertinent information but when the discussion becomes an investigation it turns me off.

[marcjb]

Anyone that pulls the "controlling" card has something to hide. They are projecting blame onto the other person. There is no such thing as "controlling" another person in a relationship. It's all about what someone is willing to put up with in the context of a relationship. If someone does not want to be honest and open while in a relationship with complete transparency, then they should remain single.

[GemmaUK]

While I agree that your 2nd guy could have asked you things in a better way, you also could have let him know from the jump what you are doing. judging by the way he asked you, he has probably been burned in the past, so I don't think it would take much effort from you to accommodate him by letting him know what you're doing. My current GF was cheated on by her ex, so I always make sure to do things in a way to alleviate any fears she may have. It's just relationship courtesy.

 

You misquoted me there and left out the part of my RS#2 post where I couldn't finish the first sentence.

His first response too has been missed out.

[GemmaUK]

I hit reply, and bolded the part I thought was relevant. I didn't touch your post in any other way. Regardless, you said you were busy Friday, then immediately moved on to Saturday. While I agree his attitude was off-putting, it could probably have been avoided by volunteering your plans on Friday without him having to ask.

 

My apologies, the bolding threw me off there. No, you didn't miss-quote.

 

The thing is I do happily tell an SO what I am doing.

It's very off putting when someone interrogates you over something though.

I recall one evening we were about to have a call and he was texting me. I was replying. Then he wanted me on the phone and I said 'sure, gimme ten mins'

He asked why I needed ten minutes said I was just finishing something and I'd be right there.

He asked what I was doing and I replied 'cutting my toenails' (all true!).

He asked 'why?'

 

I admit I chose to ignore that question.

We'd been together about 2 months at this point and I got questioned over almost anything I did outside of my work hours. It was pretty draining explaining everything as well as boring and repetitive.

[Fondue]

I don't really care where or with whom my girlfiend is out with, as long as she has fun.

 

I tell her to go out with her friends and enjoy herself. I think it is incredibly important to have a life outside of the relationship and enjoy the friends that were there BEFORE the bf/gf. So I advocate for her and encourage her to do her own thing when her friends are around.

 

I don't ask what or where or what's gonna happen, I just hope she enjoys herself. I would imagine she'd be a lot less thrilled if I started to demand some info about her time spent. THat would be weird.

 

I know she has guy friends, I know she has girl friends, I know she hangs out with both. Many of which I never met. It doesn't bother me. I trust her.

 

At the same time, we often volunteer information to one another. It just happens naturally.

 

In the end, I don't think it's expected that your partner should tell you the details. If he/she does, then that's that. If they don't and you trust them, that's fine, too.