tuxedo cat Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 (edited) I'm a 30-year-old woman. It took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to do with my life but about six months ago I moved to a big city to take an internship at an entertainment company that I felt would be a good fit for my talents and interests. I had no inkling of the nightmare that would follow. I'm looking for some advice about what I'm doing to antagonize other women because this is a problem I've had my whole life. I was working in an office with two older female bosses and one male junior supervisor. From the moment I started there I got the sense my female bosses disliked me but I tried to ignore their behavior and be the best employee that I could. I worked harder than any other intern and my boss exploited my eagerness to please by piling on more and more work until I was regularly working 12 hour days and even weekends (I had originally signed on for three days a week). I realize now that my biggest mistake was not drawing firm boundaries. Meanwhile, I became friends with my male supervisor and he pushed for me to get promoted but the other women told him that I was too "weird" and "awkward." They could never give him specifics on how. I was very reliable and I know I did good work for them but I also struggle with shyness. My efforts to push myself out of my shell to be more assertive didn't seem to help. At one point my boss told my friend that I have "no life" and was "obsessed" with her because I responded to some of her emails on weekends. It was incredibly discouraging to find out that my dedication was being spun as a negative. My male supervisor was as puzzled as I was. I can't seem to figure out what it was that I did to create this repulsion they seemed to feel toward me. I'm shy and a bit socially awkward but I'm also friendly, helpful, reliable and committed to my work. FWIW, I'm cute/attractive but not spectacularly pretty, certainly not enough to be a threat to other women. I've faced the same difficulty my whole life when it comes to making friends with groups of women, yet I've been able to maintain one on one relationships with relative ease. I also never have this issue with men. Any ideas on why this might be the case and how to modify my behavior in the future? Edited June 28, 2014 by tuxedo cat
AnneT1985 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Check out my post "Can't have female friends?" written June 26th under "general relationship discussion" for some perspectives to this question
FitChick Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Find another job. In the meantime, don't work overtime since your boss doesn't appreciate it.
thefooloftheyear Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Sounds like garden variety female "cattyness" to me, but what the hell do I know... Sorry for your troubles...Just get the fck out of there and start somewhere else.. TFY
MidwestUSA Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Is this the job you lost a week and a half ago? If so, no sense even trying to figure this out. Your energy needs to be focused on finding a new job. Use the male super as your only reference, and get moving on it. Put these women out of your mind for now; too much time reflecting will only add to your anxiety and lack of appetite. I'm sure you spend too many waking hours worrying about it, plenty of time to reflect later.
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Since you describe yourself as shy & bit awkward, and that is the reason they claim to be blocking your advancement, ask them to help you overcome the obstacles. I worked in a office with a female manager. The big boss was a man but she was Queen Bee & hated everyone especially junior women. While I didn't cow tow to her & had the backing of the senior guy, I did make a real effort to work with her. We butted heads more than anything else but after a while I earned her respect. If you are as you describe hard working, reliable, & friendly you should be able to turn them into allies. 1
ThaWholigan Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 First port of call IMO should be erecting strong boundaries. You absolutely need them, not just in terms of dealing with people on a surface level but dealing with your own emotional life contributing to your anxieties. As far as dealing with other women goes, I think it helps not to have a default disposition that they have ulterior motives in mind for you specifically, as that on a subconscious level can draw that kind of attention towards you without you even realizing it, thus forming a confirmation bias that other women just seem to not like you in the group. This is all under the assumption that you do actually feel this way normally. I overstand dealing with working situations where you take on a lot in an effort of endearment - but again, as you yourself pointed out, that presented you as weak in a way, too malleable and lacking boundaries for what you can offer to your work. Finding that balance can be difficult - being diligent with your work and simultaneously knowing when to yield and take time to yourself. Don't make yourself "too available" as it often goes. You will actually garner more respect that way. Erecting strong boundaries not only will increase your own personal confidence and help you to deal with others - you will also have an even greater understanding of the boundaries of others. It does seem strange to see what your boss said about you, but - rudeness aside - there might be food for thought in that. Your dedication is nothing to be ashamed of, but sometimes knowing when to switch off will be important, even in group settings. Everybody has their switch off! Hopefully things pick up soon. 2
Author tuxedo cat Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 First port of call IMO should be erecting strong boundaries. You absolutely need them, not just in terms of dealing with people on a surface level but dealing with your own emotional life contributing to your anxieties. As far as dealing with other women goes, I think it helps not to have a default disposition that they have ulterior motives in mind for you specifically, as that on a subconscious level can draw that kind of attention towards you without you even realizing it, thus forming a confirmation bias that other women just seem to not like you in the group. This is all under the assumption that you do actually feel this way normally. I overstand dealing with working situations where you take on a lot in an effort of endearment - but again, as you yourself pointed out, that presented you as weak in a way, too malleable and lacking boundaries for what you can offer to your work. Finding that balance can be difficult - being diligent with your work and simultaneously knowing when to yield and take time to yourself. Don't make yourself "too available" as it often goes. You will actually garner more respect that way. Erecting strong boundaries not only will increase your own personal confidence and help you to deal with others - you will also have an even greater understanding of the boundaries of others. It does seem strange to see what your boss said about you, but - rudeness aside - there might be food for thought in that. Your dedication is nothing to be ashamed of, but sometimes knowing when to switch off will be important, even in group settings. Everybody has their switch off! Hopefully things pick up soon. Yes, this is the most important lesson I've learned from the experience. Maybe it would be more fruitful to write down what I've learned: 1) work hard but set firm boundaries with people 2) double/triple check all of your work (I made too many careless errors on the job) 3) if you sense that somebody doesn't like you brush it off and focus on things you can control 4) cut your losses and look for other opportunities when you see a dead end ahead 1
Got it Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Yes, this is the most important lesson I've learned from the experience. Maybe it would be more fruitful to write down what I've learned: 1) work hard but set firm boundaries with people 2) double/triple check all of your work (I made too many careless errors on the job) 3) if you sense that somebody doesn't like you brush it off and focus on things you can control 4) cut your losses and look for other opportunities when you see a dead end ahead I am not seeing enough of a trend to see it as a gender issue. Sounds like just a bad work environment. I will say definitely SLOW DOWN if you are making errors. Better to be accurate then fast. And in regards to being liked, it is far better to be respected than liked.
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