Fear or intimacy or does she really don't care for me?

[JFW86]

My first post here. So here's my story.

 

I was dating this co-worker for 4 months. She's 25. I'm 27. We had a real great bond, but she would never get intimate with me. Kissing was fine, hugging was fine, but anything more than that was a no no. Everytime i moved my hand down she would push my hand away. I asked why this was and she said, she had bad experiences in the past and it could take years for her to be comfortable enough towards me to have sex with me. I said i would take things slow if i had to. We really had a great time after that, still no sex(no sex during the whole relationship in fact), however when i mentioned relationship stuff she started to panic. I once told her she made me happy and she would turn really cold after that. When i mentioned i maybe wanted to meet her parents some day, she really really panicked and said i shouldn't say such things. After a while she became really distant, no more kissing and hugging and she became a little quiet. I hadn't seen her in a week and when we meet up she decided to end things. She said the relationship was giving her too much stress. She couldn't sleep, she was always afraid to be with me etc. She also said she didn't feel comfortable in a relationship, which is defined by society(meeting up with parents, staying over etc.) and would get really angry with me if she would keep this up any longer. She thought i was too nice for her to put me through all of her problems.

 

The breakup was a month ago.She contacted me through text a couple of times during a period of 3 weeks. I was hesitate to react towards her, because we were no longer together anyway. After a while i heard she didn't eat well and decided to contact her through text. I asked if everything was alright. She was fine she said. I also noticed she was looking at me all the time at work and she showed up outside of work, everywhere i was. I also caught her crying in a supermarket once. And at work she was the nicest she's ever been towards me. Anyway, i decided to text her some more, because deep down i wanted her back. She was really responsive and acted happy. Last monday we even flirted back and forth at work. Thought i had another chance with her, so i asked if we could meet up. She agreed and was really happy.

 

Last thursday we meet up to have a walk, we didn't discuss the relationship. I wanted it to keep it light. After the walk she invited me over for some wine. We talked for a couple of hours and everything was really really nice. Then i brought up the topic of "us". She said, there is no us, we are broken up. Deal with it. She also said she was having sex with a guy(who was the only guy she ever had sex with) that she saw right after we broke up. This guy she was seeing for about 4 years she said before me, no relationship, just sex. I.e. she never had sex in a relationship with feelings before. I was heartbroken. She really missed the good times we had, but didn't have any feelings. She wanted to stay friends she said, i didn't want to. I said she could only contact me if she wanted me back. Then i left her house. When saying goodby i asked for a goodbye kiss, she tried to kiss me on the cheek. I kissed her on the mouth. She said we shouldn't be doing this. Then i kissed her again and she even kissed me back. I would say it was the most passionate kiss we ever had.

 

Yesterday i apologized through text if i had said something the night before that put her off or that would offend her. She got REALLY angry with me and accused me of calling her a slut. I said it was never my intention to hurt her and never called her that. I also asked if she was dealing with fear of intimacy/vaginismus, because a psychologist i know said it would most likely be that. She again got angry and said it was none of my business. She said she didn't feel a connection with me, it happens in relationships and never loved me and told me to get over it and leave her alone.

 

Now i'm wondering what the hell went wrong? What will happen? Will she come back or is it true that she doesn't love me, yet all the signs are there?

Edited June 28, 2014 by JFW86

[dumbass2]

My first post here. So here's my story.

 

I was dating this co-worker for 4 months. She's 25. I'm 27. We had a real great bond, but she would never get intimate with me. Kissing was fine, hugging was fine, but anything more than that was a no no. Everytime i moved my hand down she would push my hand away. I asked why this was and she said, she had bad experiences in the past and it could take years for her to be comfortable enough towards me to have sex with me. I said i would take things slow if i had to. We really had a great time after that, still no sex(no sex during the whole relationship in fact), however when i mentioned relationship stuff she started to panic. I once told her she made me happy and she would turn really cold after that. When i mentioned i maybe wanted to meet her parents some day, she really really panicked and said i shouldn't say such things. After a while she became really distant, no more kissing and hugging and she became a little quiet. I hadn't seen her in a week and when we meet up she decided to end things. She said the relationship was giving her too much stress. She couldn't sleep, she was always afraid to be with me etc. She also said she didn't feel comfortable in a relationship, which is defined by society(meeting up with parents, staying over etc.) and would get really angry with me if she would keep this up any longer. She thought i was too nice for her to put me through all of her problems.

 

The breakup was a month ago.She contacted me through text a couple of times during a period of 3 weeks. I was hesitate to react towards her, because we were no longer together anyway. After a while i heard she didn't eat well and decided to contact her through text. I asked if everything was alright. She was fine she said. I also noticed she was looking at me all the time at work and she showed up outside of work, everywhere i was. I also caught her crying in a supermarket once. And at work she was the nicest she's ever been towards me. Anyway, i decided to text her some more, because deep down i wanted her back. She was really responsive and acted happy. Last monday we even flirted back and forth at work. Thought i had another chance with her, so i asked if we could meet up. She agreed and was really happy.

 

Last thursday we meet up to have a walk, we didn't discuss the relationship. I wanted it to keep it light. After the walk she invited me over for some wine. We talked for a couple of hours and everything was really really nice. Then i brought up the topic of "us". She said, there is no us, we are broken up. Deal with it. She also said she was having sex with a guy(who was the only guy she ever had sex with) that she saw right after we broke up. This guy she was seeing for about 4 years she said before me, no relationship, just sex. I.e. she never had sex in a relationship with feelings before. I was heartbroken. She really missed the good times we had, but didn't have any feelings. She wanted to stay friends she said, i didn't want to. I said she could only contact me if she wanted me back. Then i left her house. When saying goodby i asked for a goodbye kiss, she tried to kiss me on the cheek. I kissed her on the mouth. She said we shouldn't be doing this. Then i kissed her again and she even kissed me back. I would say it was the most passionate kiss we ever had.

 

Yesterday i apologized through text if i had said something the night before that put her off or that would offend her. She got REALLY angry with me and accused me of calling her a slut. I said it was never my intention to hurt her and never called her that. I also asked if she was dealing with fear of intimacy/vaginismus, because a psychologist i know said it would most likely be that. She again got angry and said it was none of my business. She said she didn't feel a connection with me, it happens in relationships and never loved me and told me to get over it and leave her alone.

 

Now i'm wondering what the hell went wrong? What will happen? Will she come back or is it true that she doesn't love me, yet all the signs are there?

 

She's not anywhere near ready for a real relationship. If you want a relationship with this woman, then you are going to be disappointed and in for some pain. If you are looking for a woman to have a relationship with, then move on, she is not the one for you. You have feelings for her and she does not have the same towards you. It takes two to make a relationship work and I do not see that happening with this woman, based on what you have said. You want something that is just not there.

[spiderowl]

Sorry but she does not want a sexual relationship with you and she knew you wanted more than a casual friendship. She's admitted she's sleeping with someone else, so she seems able to have sex as long as it's does not involve attachment. This woman has had the opportunity to be your girlfriend and turned it down.

 

I can see that she has muddied the waters by allowing hugging (mostly OK in friendships) and kissing (not OK in just friendships), so that would be confusing for you. But, regardless of this, she's not interested in more and you would just find this endlessly frustrating and hurtful if you carried on hoping something will work with this woman.

 

There are women who would feel differently about you, so why not look outwards towards them instead of wasting your time on her.

[JFW86]

Sorry but she does not want a sexual relationship with you and she knew you wanted more than a casual friendship. She's admitted she's sleeping with someone else, so she seems able to have sex as long as it's does not involve attachment. This woman has had the opportunity to be your girlfriend and turned it down.

 

I can see that she has muddied the waters by allowing hugging (mostly OK in friendships) and kissing (not OK in just friendships), so that would be confusing for you. But, regardless of this, she's not interested in more and you would just find this endlessly frustrating and hurtful if you carried on hoping something will work with this woman.

 

There are women who would feel differently about you, so why not look outwards towards them instead of wasting your time on her.

 

See that's the thing. She did get sexual aroused by me, BIG TIME. She let me play around with her tits and occasionally i could touch her down there, but after a minute or two she would just freeze up and get my hand out of there. She also said how she fantasized about me etc. However the last few weeks this faded out. So no this wasn't just a friendship, i even asked her that, since i was confused. She said no, not a friendship, she did love me once.

 

I also might add that she had a lot of mood swings. She could be happy one day, sad the next day(lots of crying) and angry the next day(not even just at me, but at random stuff or people). To give you an example, she would get really really concerned if i didn't show up within 30 mins of agreeing to see her. She would literally think i would be dead or something. She also had a lot of fears. Fear about failure, she cut her self when she was in high school to prevent her from going to school, fear for large audiences, fear for making new friends etc.

 

AND i just heard from a mutual friend that her "****buddy" is most likely made up. The guy were talking about is in a serious relationship and has been long before we started dating.

Edited June 29, 2014 by JFW86